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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it part of 'compromising' in a relationship to accept being a verbal punchbag when dh is in a foul mood?

65 replies

SpinningSpider · 17/08/2013 18:11

Whenever something goes wrong (today it is the car breaking down), dh takes his frustration/anger/disappointment/worry out on me - and sometimes the dc.

Its like he can't cope with it himself so has to release on us. I would understand if this was a general release, but he can control himself with others, its just his family he seems to vent on.

For example, something was playing on his mind the other day, he was his normal self with his colleagues, with a friend he bumped into on the way home from work, but as soon as he gets in, we all have to suffer his foul mood.

I have tried explaining that the problems are not my fault, that I am not the cause and depending on how much of a mood he is, he may accept this but still carry on stropping. Afterwards he agrees that neither I or the dc, deserve it. But its not really good enough because it doesn't stop him doing it the next time.

Also, when I am in a less than generous mood, it can cause arguments as I take offence to his attitude and then we can go off on a tangent arguing about something irrelevant to the original issue.

So is it part of a normal relationship that I accept his moods and the fact he takes them out on us? I mean other than keep mentioning it to him, what else can I do really?

OP posts:

waddlecakes · 17/08/2013 18:15

I am ashamed to say that I can be like your partner, taking my moods out on my sister or Mum. There is only one way to deal with it: disengage. Do not communicate. Do not reply. Often, people like this feel a mood with no reason. Getting into an argument or trying to coax someone out of it simply provides a new justification for the mood, so the mood somehow seems valid.

If you do not engage, the person with the mood ends up feeling unfair and ridiculous and at a loss, and will get over the mood by themselves. Try it.

foolonthehill · 17/08/2013 18:16

No, it is wrong to treat those you love in this way. However, many people are brought up in families where it was thought to be the place where you can "let it all hang out and be yourself".

Is your communication good enough that you can address this with him when he is not feeling "wound up" and get him to find an appropriate way to let out his feelings without making you or your DC the scapegoat?

LEMisdisappointed · 17/08/2013 18:23

I think it depends very much on how he takes it out on you. It makes you unhappy so i would say its unacceptable.

CailinDana · 17/08/2013 18:29

Imo no. My dh gets headaches and used to be snappy and rude during them. I told him that if he wanted to be in a relationship with me he'd have to grow up learn to say "i have a headache so i won't be great company" and either say something civil or nothing at all after that. Nowadays he barely mentions his headaches. I know his mother pandered to him when he wasn't well so i suspect his attitude was more about me not fawning over him rather than genuine upset or pain. If i'm in a mood i just tell him. I might ask if i can vent at him but if he says no (rare) i just keep quiet until the mood has passed.

Being upset is not an excuse for acting like an emotionally immature twat.

Purplerain80 · 17/08/2013 19:03

I get the silent treatment, I used to rant and rave at him but over the yrs( with wise old age,mmm) I've come to learn that if I carry on withy day/plans he snaps out if it quickly enough. So yeh I suppose not engaging and I guess a bit of acceptance that that's who he is,lets face it we all have our faults so as long as your relationship is happy and healthily most of the time, then just ignore the bad moods or don't interact with him when he's one if he's moods. Sorry if this doesn't help but this is what I do and works for me:)

slipperySlip000 · 17/08/2013 19:25

Mmm, how often is he like this? I think if it affects you and dc it is unacceptable. My ex was like this, sort of, though it was more of a constant anger which husband tried (unsuccessfully) to suppress, and gradually got used to 'barely suppressing it' all of the time. Are these distinct moods? Is he otherwise cheerful? My ex was never cheerful at home. Even if he is otherwise cheerful I think 'putting up with it' is not what you should do. I agree you should discuss with your dh when he is not in a bad mood.

Original poster

SpinningSpider · 17/08/2013 19:29

When he's happy and all is well with the world then he is a lovely bloke to be around.

But if something is upsettting him or worrying him, then we all suffer.

He used to sulk. He doesn't do that anymore. Maybe he has replaced it with this?

OP posts:

waddlecakes · 17/08/2013 19:36

It's possible he has a mental health issue that causes him to have mood swings. He probably feels as frustrated as you by them. Can you not try and have a talk with him about it?

I would say you can be sympathetic to him whilst not engaging.

Bluestocking · 17/08/2013 19:40

Completely unacceptable. My father is like this. He made our childhood pretty hellish and now I'm the only one of the three of us who will spend any time with my parents - and I only do it for my DM's sake. This will blight your life, but more importantly, it will blight your DC's lives, and they have no power to change the situation. Either he gets this under control or you make him get out so you and your DCs can have some tranquillity.

colditz · 17/08/2013 19:45

He can control himself completely. He just considers you and the children to be unworthy of the effort of doing so.

Only you can decide if you accept that.

wordyBird · 17/08/2013 19:47

Well, we are all lovely to be around when we're happy and our world looks good. The challenge with being an adult is in coping, and maintaining composure, when things are not so good.

Being in a mood, snapping, having a row - things like that happen in life. Apologies can be made, and accepted. But someone who makes a sustained attack on you whenever things aren't going well for them needs to be pulled up sharp, or sent packing.

So no, I don't think being a verbal punchbag is part of compromising in a relationship. Every time it happens, some damage is sustained. Keep it up, and there is no relationship.

MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2013 19:47

You should not have to walk on eggshells.

What does he say after he calms down from a rant, does he acknowledge he was an arse?

Purplerain80 · 17/08/2013 20:01

He still shouldn't take it out on you and the kids though, do he's work colleagues and friends know that he behaves like this? Agree that you need to talk to him when he is in a better mood. How would he like it if he was your"verbal punchbag" when things go wrong?

slipperySlip000 · 17/08/2013 20:23

What Wordybird said

Original poster

SpinningSpider · 17/08/2013 20:32

Yes he knows hes been an arse but always excuses it because of the situation so today, for example, he would say 'I know I shouldn't but I was just stressed about the car'.

He did once try to say he couldn't help doing it, until I pointed out that he can control it with everyone else. So he can 'help it'. He hasn't used that excuse since.

I can talk to him calmly and he can understand and apologise. But not a lot changes.

That said, thinking about it, I think maybe he is better with the children if I pull him up on it. So if he is being shouty with the dc and I point out that it isn't their fault that X has happened, he does seem to make an effort to be calmer with them. Maybe he is slowly learning.

I wouldn't of thought anyone outside this house knows he can be like this. They all think he is a lovely, quiet man.

He is extremely passive aggressive. Finds it very difficult to communicate. A long standing issue we have is his inability to tell me when he has a problem with something. A trick of his (and I'm not sure if he knows he is actually doing it) is to start a random argument over something minor, and then in the midst of his anger he will say what has really been bothering him. Then he'll feel better that he has got it out in the open and want everything instantly to go back to normal. Oblivious to how much upset he has caused in the process. I put this down to his relationship with his mother, he was unable to discuss anything at all with her and she was very controlling. Although maybe I am just finding excuses for his behaviour?

I find it difficult to deal with this way of living as I am very direct and blunt. If I have a problem, I will tell him and talk about it. I don't see how that can be so difficult. Its not fair to wish he was the same as me, as we are all different, but life would be easier if he was.

OP posts:

WhiteandGreen · 17/08/2013 20:32

It is up to you what you want to compromise on, and to what extent.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/08/2013 20:35

What would happen if you said, 'You are being unpleasant, please leave the house and don't come back until you are in a better temper.'? Or if you picked up the kids and left the room/left the house yourselves, without a word to him?

If the answer is that he would refuse to go/prevent you from going and/or escalate to physical force then I strongly recommend ending the marriage because he is abusive and considers you a possession he can mistreat or break.

LotsaTuddles · 17/08/2013 20:36

My DH is very much like this.

If he's pissed off at anything, he takes it out on me. When he does this, I ignore him or only talk to him if really necessary.

It seems to work with him. He soon snaps out of it and apologises.

slipperySlip000 · 17/08/2013 20:47

SolidGold's suggestion is spot on: that phrase is assertive and will remind him that OP is her DH's equal. I think his reaction to this would demonstrate what he really believes in terms of his respect for you.

I'm sorry but 'I was really stressed about the car' is not good enough.

Purplerain80 · 17/08/2013 21:00

How you have been raised is a huge part of who you become, but he's an adult now and he can do something about his behaviour. But yes what the others have said it is up to you on what you deal with in your relationship, although it is hard to deal with" his moods". Maybe try saying to him that you are not prepared to interact with him till he snaps out of it and treats you better...

Original poster

SpinningSpider · 17/08/2013 21:00

He would leave in a strop if I asked him to. Possibly taking things with him to make my life difficult ie bank cards, car keys or both sets of house keys.

He would be apologetic later on. But would do his best to create chaos the whole time he is in a mood.

OP posts:

ouryve · 17/08/2013 21:08

What would you tell the DC to do if one was in a foul mood and laying into the other because of it? What would you tell the one who was having to bear the brunt of it? You would tell the angry one that it's only human to feel grumpy about things but that they shouldn't take it out on other people. And you wouldn't tell the other one to just take it on the nose because it's part of life. Nor should you. If he had any respect for you, he would recognise his mood and channel it into something less destructive than sniping at his family. Like going for a long walk, or cutting the grass.

Purplerain80 · 17/08/2013 21:12

Taking bankcards and house keys ??!! Why does he do that? My dh is childish and moody but he's never walked out and taken the house keys and bankcards, does he say why he does this?

slipperySlip000 · 17/08/2013 21:14

If he is likely to take bank cards or keys to make your life more difficult, he is not really 'out of control', is he? He chooses to do that. He chooses to be in these moods, and subconsciously, he chooses not to do anything to change the way he behaves. Not good.

Original poster

SpinningSpider · 17/08/2013 21:16

Its always an 'accident' or he did it 'without thinking'.

The real reason, which he won't admit is that he is childish and wants to make my life difficult. Its all goes back to the fact that if he is in a bad mood then everyone has to suffer.

OP posts:

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