Is it part of 'compromising' in a relationship to accept being a verbal punchbag when dh is in a foul mood?

[SpinningSpider]

Whenever something goes wrong (today it is the car breaking down), dh takes his frustration/anger/disappointment/worry out on me - and sometimes the dc.

Its like he can't cope with it himself so has to release on us. I would understand if this was a general release, but he can control himself with others, its just his family he seems to vent on.

For example, something was playing on his mind the other day, he was his normal self with his colleagues, with a friend he bumped into on the way home from work, but as soon as he gets in, we all have to suffer his foul mood.

I have tried explaining that the problems are not my fault, that I am not the cause and depending on how much of a mood he is, he may accept this but still carry on stropping. Afterwards he agrees that neither I or the dc, deserve it. But its not really good enough because it doesn't stop him doing it the next time.

Also, when I am in a less than generous mood, it can cause arguments as I take offence to his attitude and then we can go off on a tangent arguing about something irrelevant to the original issue.

So is it part of a normal relationship that I accept his moods and the fact he takes them out on us? I mean other than keep mentioning it to him, what else can I do really?

Sounds to me like there is an element of entitlement here from him, OP.

What does that mean slippery?

No this is absolutely not OK.

My dp was like this, not really with the kids bit with me and moody as all, you could literlayy feel the atmosphere as soon as you walked into the house. I spoke with him many times about it but in the end said sort it or this relationship is over, to the point of making plans to leave.

He has and counselling and now controls his moods, he knows it so not OK to use me as an emotional puncjbag and I will not be held ransome to his moods.

He needed the d reminder, just a 'look' but when it came down to it he knew it was wrong and he has dealt with it.

Interestingly a lot of to stemmed from the way he was brought up, very non communicative parents/family where emotions etc all brushed under the carpet, both parents just do the sulk if annoyed, his dad is dead now but his mum still does it, I ignore it!

By 'entitlement' I mean he feels there is no real reason to reflect on his behaviour, hence the useless responses, such as 'I did it without thinking'. He can simply behave the way he behaves.

He thinks he is entitled to make your life hell just because he is in a bad mood OP. Do you change your behaviour to try and avoid these moods?

'Being held ransom to his moods'

Thats exactly how I feel.

I hate that his bad mood can ruin my day, even if I'm not with him. A phonecall can be enough to change my outlook on the day ahead.

I can be fine, he phones from work pissed off about something and then boom! - we're in the middle of an argument that came out of nowhere and I'm stressed for the rest of the day.

I hate myself for being that easily led by him.

Sorry that should say Do you change your behaviour to avoid him getting in these moods?

My STBXH was like that. Sometimes he'd launch into a rant before he'd even said hello to me after returning from work. When it got to the stage where my 4yr old DD was telling him to stop shouting at mummy, I knew the situation was not healthy for us. We left after a scary incident where he completely overreacted and scared the crap out of all of us. We never went back.

I think he doesn't feel a need to reflect because in his head everything is my fault.

I don't know if I change. I am now trying to be calmer and not rise to the conflict he seems to need to create to make himself feel better.

Its absolutely not OK, I would go as far as saying its emotionally abusive.

Seriously it nearly ended my relationship, we had talked about it, argued about it. I had ignored etc and in the end I just said enough. This is your problem, deal with it or I am gone. It wasn't easy but I couldn't live like that any longer, its not a nice way to live and it is not a healthy atmosphere for children to grow up in.

Everything is your fault? Does he say you drive him to these moods?

If you are having to modify your behaviour in order to ward off any outbursts, this is emotional abuse. It took me years to realise that.

It did end my relationship. I gave my h an ultimatum: sort out your anger or I'm gone. He went to GP, got antidepressants. Three years later (and still on antidepressants), back to square one. I asked him to leave. He is now gone. He never acknowledged the effect on me or the kids. I would say if you can't get him to truly appreciate what it is like being held hostage to these moods, then you are not likely to see a resolution to the situation.

Honestly? I don't think it is normal and I would say it is a form of emotional abuse. It might not be conscious and he might not think it is doing any harm, but it's not fair on you to have to put up with this and it's not your responsibility to police it by ignoring him or any other thing - it's his responsibility to deal with his bad moods without it negatively impacting on you and the DC.

It is telling that you say he thinks everything is your fault, too. Most people accept there are two sides to every argument.

Am I allowed to just respond to your first post? No, it's not acceptable at all. I have dealt with this. Part of the answer is naming it - stating clearly "we have done nothing to you and you are being unkind to us because of bad things that have happened to you. We could help you feel better but you are being cruel instead. Go away until you can stop being unkind to us, go to our room, go to the pub, go for a drive but get out and get away from us".

The next part, if he won't get out, is to disengage, not respond, not beg, just repeat repeat repeat: this is unfair to me and the children and I won't tolerate it.

Even if it doesn't change him it makes you feel better and feel stronger. Eventually of course there would be some sort of crise, and you would know how to deal with that.

"Compromising" in a relationship to me is more things like compromising on holiday destinations or your chosen wallpaper or the little irritations that come from sharing a house with somebody like having to listen to their music sometimes or their different way of stacking the dishwasher to you. Sometimes having to put yourself out to help them because you know they would do the same for you. That kind of thing. Not putting up with being a verbal punchbag and having your whole life dictated by somebody else's moods.

Well I think it's emotional abuse even if you aren't modifying your behaviour to avoid the moods SpinningSpider because you are still having to manage the fallout from his moods (and you've already said you have had to alter your approach to this). In addition he is deliberately making life difficult for you, even more so if you call him on his bad behaviour and he blames it all on you, taking no responsibility for his own behaviour. All that is abusive. Sulking is also a red flag and abusive behaviour. If he used to sulk and now is being more verbally/emotionally abusive it could be a sign he is ramping up the abuse.

Well you can Crumbled but OP has already responded to that point.

matchsticks it took me years as well but eventualy I laid it on the line and I told dp it was abusive. Literally laid it out in black and white, and how it affected me and said it ends or we are over.

It wasn't easy at all and there were a few wobbles but dp has stepped up and deaslt with his issues. He knows there are no second chances over this, I am not prepared to let my kids grow up thinking this is a normal/OK way to treat people.

Op you need to decide what you want to do, but you can't make him change he needs to realize this isn't normal or OK. If not then you need to decide what you want. And for your kids sake if not your own and you cannot let this continue.

Ok thanks Yoni.

I think counselling would do us good. I also spoke to him about anger management before but he says he doesn't need it.

I think because I can easily express my anger he thinks I need it.

He doesn't realise the way he expresses anger is more damaging. Not helped by the fact that people think he is calm and quiet.

Absolutely do not go to counselling with him. It is not a good idea to go to counselling with an abusive man because they will use it against you and turn everything around to blame it on you. Like he already does.