Is it part of 'compromising' in a relationship to accept being a verbal punchbag when dh is in a foul mood?

[SpinningSpider]

Whenever something goes wrong (today it is the car breaking down), dh takes his frustration/anger/disappointment/worry out on me - and sometimes the dc.

Its like he can't cope with it himself so has to release on us. I would understand if this was a general release, but he can control himself with others, its just his family he seems to vent on.

For example, something was playing on his mind the other day, he was his normal self with his colleagues, with a friend he bumped into on the way home from work, but as soon as he gets in, we all have to suffer his foul mood.

I have tried explaining that the problems are not my fault, that I am not the cause and depending on how much of a mood he is, he may accept this but still carry on stropping. Afterwards he agrees that neither I or the dc, deserve it. But its not really good enough because it doesn't stop him doing it the next time.

Also, when I am in a less than generous mood, it can cause arguments as I take offence to his attitude and then we can go off on a tangent arguing about something irrelevant to the original issue.

So is it part of a normal relationship that I accept his moods and the fact he takes them out on us? I mean other than keep mentioning it to him, what else can I do really?

He manages his anger with everyone else just fine, it would seem.

I like Crumbled and SGB's posts.

My ex was just like this. Hence he is an ex. It is the sort of behaviour that rots relationships.

DH is a bit like this. When he can't manage his anxiety he becomes an arse. I don't really think it's ok, but I can be a very difficult as well, especially when pre-menstrual. So we tend to be able to forgive each other for our nastiness.

Spinning spider: you said this

He doesn't realise the way he expresses anger is more damaging. Not helped by the fact that people think he is calm and quiet.

This is not good. I dealt with this by saying "you are being extremely aggressive, just because you're silent doesn't mean you're not being aggressive" and I said it EVERY TIME it happened so that he realised. At first he would defend himself and say no I'm just avoiding a row, YOU'RE the one starting the argument. And I would just say, no this is not normal, you don't normally ignore your wife and children, you don't stay silent and tightlipped which yoru family speak to you, this is aggressive behaviour. But just keep saying it, like a broken record, every time. He will get the message, I promise.

I'm sorry but this man is abusive and going to get worse, not better. He has decided that he can do what he likes to you ie control and punish you. The fact that he does things like take the house keys is a seriously bad sign. He's on a path towards becoming physically abusive. It might already have started. Does he 'accidentally' bump into you, tread on your feet, shut a door on your hand? It will be pushing you 'out of the way' soon, and after a while it will be a slap, because you 'wouldn't shut up'.

Spinningspider,

You perhaps think this is about him and his anger; it is not. Its about power and control hence the removal of the keys. This is learnt behaviour from his childhood. Look in particular at what his controlling (i.e abusive) mother taught him, these lessons last and have been transferred into your life with him now.

Interesting as well to note that he does not feel he needs anger management.

Do not go to counselling with him under any circumstances, sole counselling for you is warranted however. Joint counselling where there is abuse present is a recipe for disaster.

What do you yourself get out of this relationship now?

What do you think the two of you are teaching your children about relationships here?.

majestic DH has anxiety and can also be an arse when he came manage the anxiety (it seems to consume him at times).
Where he differs to the OPs DH is that when his anxiety is back under control, he acknowledges his behaviour, apologises and does not do things to make my life difficult in the midst of an anxiety attack. He is also like this with everyone when he's over anxious, not just me, and he is also undergoing counselling to help. A lot of this stems from his upbringing, and the fact his family tend to trey him like he's exaggerating all the time, and never take him seriously.

I guess my point is that he realises this is not normal behaviour and is doing his damnedest to improve things. When the anxiety takes hold, he can't control it for anyone. Your DH on the other hand is capable of self control, he just chooses not to with you, and fails to acknowledge what he's doing. He really needs pulling up on this.

That's should read can't manage the anxiety, not came

Gah! And treat not trey

I knew a woman whose h was like this. Charming man, until he got home and then whatever frustration/anger he had accumulated during the day came out. She told him that if he was feeling like that then he had to disappear until he was able to act sensibly - she told him calmly and sensibly after an episode when everything had calmed down. They devised a system whereby he would go and shut himself in their bedroom at a signal from her, emerging later when he had enough control of himself to behave civilly. After some time, he didn't need the signal from her. i have been there when he's come in from work, muttered hello and gone straight upstairs.

You might think it's worth a try. You might think it's just papering over the cracks.

I could not do what that woman did, Jux. I cannot treat a spouse as a child. It's equal and respectful partners or bust, for me. I can be quite uncompromising on the big issues, though (hence now separated!). Each to their own though. An assertive stance now from OP however is an absolute must, though.

OP, I have a quick temper and get stressed easily. In the past I have taken this out on my partner by shouting and getting very upset over meaningless things. He walks away from me now and I know that the problem is not him; it is me and it is me that has to calm down. He doesn't have to alter his behaviour in any way. It is all down to me.

What I DON'T do is take credit cards, keys etc. and attempt to control my partner as yours is doing. This is scary. He had no right to do this. He is a grown man for goodness' sake and he sounds incredibly abusive to me.

In response to your very first question, the answer is no. You are not compromising, you're doing anything for a quiet life on the whole which is not the same thing.

Your DH sounds like Jekyll and Hyde :(

Well there's no way I would put up with it.
He either gets therapy/counselling and sorts it out or you get him out until he realises what he's lost and that he needs to sort himself out.
As others have said though, he actually sounds abusive from your further posts and I know I would be ending the relationship.

Slippery, I wouldn't be OK with it myself, but it worked for them, and I just thought it might be somewhere to start for OP.

This is very definitely emotional abuse and it is wrong of your dh to put his loved ones though this.
I grew up with a parent who could get angry and shout at me for no discernable reason. I'm in my 30s now and still have issues regarding it. It took me many years to realise that the anger that was taken out on me was not actually my fault, and although I know it logically, I think on some level I still think it was.
I can remember this kind of thing happening from at least the time I started school. I haven't read every post and don't know how old your kids are, but you do need to ask yourself how long you are willing to put them through this. They already think it's normal. If they grew up and had spouses who treat them the way their father does, what advice would you have for them?
Later on you can tell your kids to have more respect for themselves than to put up with this from other people, but they will act on what has been modelled to them in their lives.
If he could move away from the family home for the duration of some counselling it would at least show willing on his part to consider your dc's feelings.