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Original poster

XP always late - do I have to put up with this for the next 15 years or is there something I can do

73 replies

BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:30

Separated from VA/EA XP over last Xmas.

I just had enough, trying to be in a reasonable healthy relationship with someone who couldn't engage was pointless. I detached, kicked him out. It's not perfect but at least I'm not living with a grumpy abusive sleeping non-listening man.

2 DD's - 2 & 5.

I've always said we need to talk and I would do so when he was ready to have an open, frank and honest conversation without any shouting or bombastic lecturing (his speciality). 8 months on and we've not really talked. Just saying this as clearly there are massive unresolved issues between us - but I have to accept this as he won't engage reasonably. I'm "dealing" with everything by being detached.

We are able to have brief discussions re parenting and he is on board with seeing the DC.

But he is ALWAYS late - every fucking time. Late to collect them. Late to drop them off - this in particular causes me huge anxiety. Even though I know he is always late, I always get very anxious waiting for the DD's to come home (they are driving).

He promises over and over he won't be late. He has never once been on time.
He actually said to me last week he isn't late very often - so he is deluded too. He doesn't consider half an hour late! Sometimes he is 2 hours late bringing them back though he insists he making huge efforts to get them back to me by 7. It seems leaving in time is too much of an effort.

I usually am very detached about it. I do mention it, calmly from time to time especially as late returns on a Sunday leads to nightmare Mondays (esp after the DC have gone to bed very late while staying with him - it takes 3 days to get them back to 'normal' after their weekend with him.) It's just all about HIM and his needs/wants. But I've taken the route of staying as calm as possible thus far and any appeals are on a "what's good for the DC" basis.

This morning though I am really fucking angry. He is taking DC for the day. I made it very very clear I need him to collect before 9am. he promises to do this. I have to get to work as he well knows. He turned up at 9.25. I was late for work. He has no respect for my work and has made this very clear (HIS work on the other hand must come before everything - and is often as excuse as to why he is late). He sent a txt claiming tube trouble - maybe so. But as he is ALWAYS late, I think it is irrelevant. he has an excuse every.single.time.

My work has been so supportive and helpful. I already work less hours than everyone else so i can drop DD at school and collect them from CM after work and I really hate to be late if it can possibly be avoided. They support me and I don't want to take the piss. My boss is irked by lateness. The support of my work is hugely important - I have no family in this country and XP's family haven't spoken to me all year - they support him with the DC but not me. So my work support is doubly important.

I feel completely powerless in the face of this. And now I am mad. Am I going to have to eat this shit for the next goodness knows how many years? OR is there actually something I can do to make him be on time and respect that his issues with timekeeping have knock on effects for me and his DC?

Gosh it's long. I'm really in need of some MN wisdom today.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:34

Part of my anger today stems from me wanting to believe him when he says he'll be on time.

And then feeling stupid, when, of course he's late :( I feel like such a muppet for having a glimmer of hope that he will actually show some respect and do what he says he'll do.
He doesn't!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 10:38

That is a disgraceful way for him to behave and so disrespectful.

For one thing, I wouldn't let him have the children for such long periods if it takes them days to recover. It's not good for them. If he has them overnight on Saturday, tell him to return them on Sunday morning.

Is there any way you could drop off and collect, or is that too inconvenient?

fifi669 · 16/08/2013 10:39

How about say you've going out at x o'clock so he has to be there. More than 5 minutes go out for the day with your kids. He's taking the piss. A few minutes either way is one thing but 2 hours late on a school night! I think I'd say if you can't get them back for that time, get them back 2 hours earlier.

Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:42

I've offered to collect them - but he won't tell me where he lives now.
We both have PR. As resident parent can I say when he has them? Am I in charge of that decision?

He has them every second weekend and though I'm still struggling on those days, I do kind of need the break. Though I thought I'd have weekends of fun and delights without the DDs - but in reality I get quite depressed.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 10:43

Good idea. Say "Please be here at 10 am as I need to go out. If you're not here I'll have to take the children with me." Then do it.

It's a control thing with him, isn't it? He can't see why you should be telling him what to do. As you say, you'll have years of this if you don't act fast.

Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:43

I'd say if you can't get them back for that time, get them back 2 hours earlier.
I've said this many times.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 10:45

I think it would be better if he had them every Saturday for example rather than all weekend every other weekend. That way it wouldn't matter if he brings them home later on. Of course that then means you don't get the chance to go out.

I know what you mean about the way you feel when they're not there. I really hated it.

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 10:46

Is there anyone who he would listen to? How do you get on with his family?

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 10:47

Just seen that you don't know where he lives. I wouldn't let my children go at all unless I knew where they were.

Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:49

yes It's a control thing. And these days he is grasping at straws.

I was 5 minutes away from taking the girls to work this morning and texting him to say come and pick them up from there. But then that would have impacted on me and my colleagues and the DD's - but not really him.

He usually now collects them on a Friday early evening - so it's hard to go out with the girls. But I can and will do this.

I have done the going out thing when he has been late on a weekend. He then comes and meets us wherever we are - so it still doesn't really impact on him.

Next time I will just take them - but then I have 2 very upset young girls who love their time with him to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:51

I thought I got on with his family. Clearly I don't.
Not one of them has been in touch with me since we split. He's probably fed them a pile of tripe.

We used to do one day every weekend - he insists on Sundays as that is when everyone goes to his Mums.

I do need the weekend breaks. And I do like having the girls for a whole weekend myself.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2013 10:51

I'd do as imperial says.
I need you here by X time. If he is not - then go out!
Not always that easy I'm sure but do it when you can so he gets the message.

Wellwobbly · 16/08/2013 10:51

Being late is a boundary violation. It shows profound disrespect of your time (and you).

Google it if you don't believe me! So just confirming your feelings of irritation are valid, believe them.

You have to set a boundary with him and deliver consequences. Is there any babysitter you can give the children to when if he doesn't turn up?

Could you go out in the evening requiring him to sit in a car w two increasingly fractious children for the evening an hour before you return? On a Sunday - what can he do.

The mistake we make is to continue to pick up the pieces, follow the rules. Give him a clear warning. Make sure he has heard it. Then follow through.

fifi669 · 16/08/2013 10:52

I wouldn't be happy with my DC going to his house if I didn't know where he lived! Worst case scenario he doesn't bring them back at all.... What do you say to the police? I'm not saying in any way that's going to happen, but there's a whole list of reasons you need to know where they are.

Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:52

"That is a disgraceful way for him to behave and so disrespectful."
Thanks for saying this. its pathetic how wonderful it feels to be validated by a stranger on the www

OP posts:
Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:54

I believe you wellwobbly. I know it and I feel it.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 16/08/2013 10:54

I wouldn't let him meet up later to take them, he's there or he's not. There are times when he'll be unavoidably late and you need to show flexibility then, but all the time is ridiculous.

beginnings · 16/08/2013 10:55

I think you really really need to know where he lives. No way would I be letting him take them without knowing. Can you reach out to his family?

Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 10:55

Could you go out in the evening requiring him to sit in a car w two increasingly fractious children for the evening an hour before you return?

I've been tempted to do things like this. But its the DDs who will suffer, not him. Besides if he's 2 hours late then I could still get home before him!!! arrgh!

OP posts:
Lanceolate · 16/08/2013 10:58

How shitty. Is there a friend or family member of yours who could do the handover? If he's doing this to get a reaction from you, not seeing you at all might take the payoff out of his behaviour.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/08/2013 10:59

What an utter knob. So disrespectful and deeply, deeply annoying! I thought you were going tosay 20 minutes late but 2 hours?!? WTF?

How about these?

With collecting:

"I have to be out by 10 o'clock. If you are not here by then I will have to take them with me and you can collect them from there"

With dropping off:

"I will be at xyz point to meet you. If you are late by more than 10 minutes I will phone the police and report them missing"

Littlefish · 16/08/2013 11:00

If he is not there to pick them up on time, then he does not get to take them at all. I know this is very hard on the children, but he is just playing control games and needs to learn that it is not going to be allowed to happen.

I would also consider saying that if he is 2 hours late dropping them off, then he will have them for 2 hours less the next time.

I also agree with the others that if he is incapable of returning them on time, you will have to insist that they are returned on a Sunday morning.

If necessary, you may need to consider a strongly worded solicitor's letter.

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 11:00

This is the problem, isn't it? He doesn't give a shit about what's best for the girls. He doesn't think they might like to see you for an hour and get to bed at a reasonable time. All he thinks about is himself.

Because you love the girls you don't want them to be messed around. He doesn't think the same. Shame on him.

Original poster
BeCool · 16/08/2013 11:01

OK so things I can reasonably do:

Demand to know his home address.
Enforce the drop off times HE HAS AGREED TO. Ie return by 7pm on a Sunday. (NOTE we did recently discuss this and he has sworn to leave by 6 to be with me by 7. He was then "just" 45 minutes late - which means they left at about 7.

If he is late on Sundays what do I do?

His family have been a huge disappointment. I thought we had nice relationships - I was especially close to his brother - who it tuns out was bringing cocaine over and secretly taking it with X in our loo, up to several times a week - all behind my back. I'd sooner post him a poo than ask him for any help.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 11:01

I think you should have taken the girls to work. When he came to collect them, your boss should be there, eyeballing him.

It's the thought he can get away with this shit that makes him act in the way he does. There's no way he'd turn up at your workplace more than once if he saw disgust in your boss's eyes (particularly if your boss is male.)