XP always late - do I have to put up with this for the next 15 years or is there something I can do

[BeCool]

Separated from VA/EA XP over last Xmas.

I just had enough, trying to be in a reasonable healthy relationship with someone who couldn't engage was pointless. I detached, kicked him out. It's not perfect but at least I'm not living with a grumpy abusive sleeping non-listening man.

2 DD's - 2 & 5.

I've always said we need to talk and I would do so when he was ready to have an open, frank and honest conversation without any shouting or bombastic lecturing (his speciality). 8 months on and we've not really talked. Just saying this as clearly there are massive unresolved issues between us - but I have to accept this as he won't engage reasonably. I'm "dealing" with everything by being detached.

We are able to have brief discussions re parenting and he is on board with seeing the DC.

But he is ALWAYS late - every fucking time. Late to collect them. Late to drop them off - this in particular causes me huge anxiety. Even though I know he is always late, I always get very anxious waiting for the DD's to come home (they are driving).

He promises over and over he won't be late. He has never once been on time.
He actually said to me last week he isn't late very often - so he is deluded too. He doesn't consider half an hour late! Sometimes he is 2 hours late bringing them back though he insists he making huge efforts to get them back to me by 7. It seems leaving in time is too much of an effort.

I usually am very detached about it. I do mention it, calmly from time to time especially as late returns on a Sunday leads to nightmare Mondays (esp after the DC have gone to bed very late while staying with him - it takes 3 days to get them back to 'normal' after their weekend with him.) It's just all about HIM and his needs/wants. But I've taken the route of staying as calm as possible thus far and any appeals are on a "what's good for the DC" basis.

This morning though I am really fucking angry. He is taking DC for the day. I made it very very clear I need him to collect before 9am. he promises to do this. I have to get to work as he well knows. He turned up at 9.25. I was late for work. He has no respect for my work and has made this very clear (HIS work on the other hand must come before everything - and is often as excuse as to why he is late). He sent a txt claiming tube trouble - maybe so. But as he is ALWAYS late, I think it is irrelevant. he has an excuse every.single.time.

My work has been so supportive and helpful. I already work less hours than everyone else so i can drop DD at school and collect them from CM after work and I really hate to be late if it can possibly be avoided. They support me and I don't want to take the piss. My boss is irked by lateness. The support of my work is hugely important - I have no family in this country and XP's family haven't spoken to me all year - they support him with the DC but not me. So my work support is doubly important.

I feel completely powerless in the face of this. And now I am mad. Am I going to have to eat this shit for the next goodness knows how many years? OR is there actually something I can do to make him be on time and respect that his issues with timekeeping have knock on effects for me and his DC?

Gosh it's long. I'm really in need of some MN wisdom today.

Oh, he won't tell you his address. He's a real pain isn't he. Maybe you can work it so you can do the pick up somehow?

Oh, he won't tell you his address. He's a real pain isn't he. Maybe you can work it so you can do the pick up somehow?

They are always at his Mum's on Sundays. I have offered to collect them before - not agreed.

But that is a good point. In my 'formal' moving forward plan I will insist he gets them back to me by 6 at the latest, and if he can't keep to that then I will collect them from his Mum's at 5.

He DOES NOT want his Mum (currently believing all his delusions and lies) and I to talk. Because he is afraid I will have a big mouth and grass him and his B up. Which I will.

When I say "grass him up" I mean be honest with her about the effect his repeated secretive cocaine abuse, fully supported by his WolfInSheepsClothing B, and the amount of family money spent of it (that we couldn't afford) had on me and the girls.

That sounds like a plan. Good idea doing it via email, so you have it all in writing. And use balloonslayers wording re not having them before work too. Good luck. Its hard, but you can get that control back, you just have to show him he can't get away with it.

Is he still abusing cocaine ? If he is I wouldn't be happy at all to let my daughters be with him unsupervised. Frankly if I even suspected it, contact would be pulled with immediate effect - especially if his mother had been supported his habit (??!!).

Why don't you contact his mum rather than waiting for her to contact you. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, it's understandable she would want to support her son.

DPotter I don't think so. He can't afford to now I'm no longer subsidising his lifestyle. It's pure economics though - not because he faced his issues and stopped because of the damage it was doing to himself & his family. But he seems to be feeling very holy about it. It all happened in secret and he still refuses to discuss it.

he doesn't live at home. I don't know if his Mum knows. Probably not but possibly. The whole family seem to exist in a world of denial.

Sadly I don't think I have the right to stop him seeing the DC even if he was still taking it. The courts order drug abusing parents to have access to their DC all the time.

I don't want to contact his Mum because it's pointless. But if I do see her, I am not shy of being brutally honest.

They may award access but surely not unsupervised?

Then his family would supervise.
His family of liars who are thick as thieves.
He spends most of the time he has the DD's with them anyway - he can't cope on his own.

And how do I prove his drug use?

I can't afford a solicitor.

He is in complete denial about it and his family will lie lie lie to back him up. How would I even begin down that road?
And as I said he probably can't afford to buy it now anyway - so in his mind he has no problem at all.

You are probably not depressed so don't worry about that. What you are though, is caught up in the claws of an abusive, bullying man and he has probably been doing it for years.

Right now it's all still very raw and neither of you have mentally detached, that can be a very long process. Although you don't live together now it takes a long time for patterns of behaviour to change and you are still reacting to him as you did when together. Still feeling trapped and believing him to have far more power than he actually does. Counselling would probably help, though I never had any, I seriously got everything I needed right here on MN, so many wise and wonderful posters .

I would do what everyone else says, if he's late go out, don't tell him where you are. Get a solicitor to iron out the details. My ex never wanted solicitors involved so often just the threat of getting one was enough to get him in line. The being late coming back must be excruciating for you and I honestly think I would cut contact if this happened. No one is benefitting except him. Oh and use the Mum may yet find out about your cocaine use for all it's worth.

He does not have as much power over you as you think, but it will take time to actually FEEL that. I was terrified of what my ex MIGHT do, your post reminds me a lot of myself at that time. Now I look at him and just think you're SUCH a twat. You will too quite soon, I promise.

The CM should charge him double time for being late. She could also say that because of him she has had to miss a train or an appointment. I think he'll be on time if someone like a CM or a teacher or your boss confronts him.

TheCM contracts with me.
You don't think someone this rubbish at basic timekeeping could actually organise anything like a good CM do you

I used to have to organise everything re home and family. Still do but these days it's easier without the lead weight!!

And sparklysequins is so right. He doesn't have any power over you, but it does take time to realise that. Your post also reminds me of myself a few years ago, but now it's so much easier. You need yo think clever - how can you get him to do what you want? You know him really well, use that to your advantage. When the illusion of power finally falls, it's such a good feeling :)
So think it through, set your boundaries, and really stick to them. In the end, he will have to fall into line.

youknow how horrific you had to go looking for your DC. That's truly low.

Dear MNers you were wonderful today. I'm getting an action plan together. I will be cool and slowly work this out. Thanks for turning around my day. I was so pissed this morning.

To whoever said use what I know about him (I'm on phone now) you are spot on. Thanks.

Pissed off. Not drunk.
Though now I'm having

BeCool - I could have written your OP, my X of 4 years is always, always late. He never apologises and thinks I'm a control freak for getting angry that he's late.

He never makes sure the dcs do their homework or hears them read. He feeds them crap and fizzy drinks and keeps them up late so that they'll sleep in in the morning.

He's a well respected person in his field at work but is only interested in portraying his dcs as cool - so that it's an extension of how he is 'cool' himself.

He's a an idiot. And I have 13 years and 7 months more to put up with him!

You're not alone. Get a plan and play the long game...

mavis my sympathy!

How old are your DC?

I would definitely get your CM to inform him if he is late she will have to charge him a late fee, and then get her to invoice him.

It is worth going to see a doctor and talking all this through, complete with behaviour leading up to split as well as more recent problems.

If GP is then willing to write a letter to say you could be affected by DV, then you might qualify for Legal Aid, so that you could get more heavyweight if you need to.

Good luck with the firmer approach, though. I think my STBXH will be like this about contact, too, and I'm glad to have read your thread and thought through the issue in advance.

My ex is like this, although his maximum has been one hour late with phone off. I was going spare so I can't imagine what two hours must have been like.

His regular excuse is that ds didn't want to come back to me, just to get another little dig in.

I think you've had loads of good advice. And I think you will feel better to do something about this, just the action of not letting him get away with it should help.