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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has agreed to leave but how can he with no job and no money

59 replies

pleaseleave · 14/08/2013 23:09

my back story is very long and complicated.
I could post a link but am exhausted.Some may recognise me.

Partner of many years, father of our 3 young teenish age kids and I have endured a crap relationship for far too long .
We never married partly because I always feared deep down he was workshy ( he is) and I owned my home and business long before we met. .

I dont want to go into all that here. He is a good if grumpy dad.

The relationship is killing my soul. He agreed last month to an amicable separation.
I should have done this YEARS ago

At that point he was in the first job he had had in many years.( been in job 3 months or so)

Then he got the sack.

Now he has NO job . ( this has been part of the problem for years, his reluctance to work )

I have decided I will probably have to remortgage the house to buy him a small house locally so the children can come and go and maintain a relationship with us both. I realise we are very fortunate in being able to do this.it rankles a bit ( he has absolutely taken advantage of me over the years and I should never have let it go on so long )but I see this as for my children as much as him .

but he will have NO income . Looking into benefits etc it seems he will get about £70 a week. Does that sound about right ? I absolutely do not want to be financing him for the forseeable future, far less forever and a day.

I am not looking for legal advice - he won't be making a claim on my assets or pension ( he has no legal right )

How do others do it? I can taste freedom and a new life without his soul sucking negativity

OP posts:
Mixxy · 14/08/2013 23:14

Problems fall into two categories: 'your problem' and 'not your problem'.

After the split he falls into the 'not your problem' category.

He was your "partner", not a wayward son.

EachAndEveryHighway · 14/08/2013 23:17

Is there any reason why on earth you should pay him anything?

You owned the home and business before you met.

Did he actually contribute anything of significance to the mortgage over the years?

He would presumably be entitled to housing benefit if he had to move out.

Was he a SAHP when the DCs were younger? Did he work before that?

Harryhairypig · 14/08/2013 23:28

He rents, he gets housing benefit to pay the rent until he gets work. Once you are no longer bankrolling him he may find he can work. As you are not married I'm not sure what claim he'd have over the house etc. he won't claim he's the primary carer and get the kids will he? assume you've had advice on this. Don't buy him a house, maybe pay a deposit etc for a rental place if it helps move him on quickly.

Original poster
pleaseleave · 14/08/2013 23:33

Thanks Mixxy, that is a very good point .

Eachandevery, I never had a mortgage,(owned outright ) he contributed to bills etc for a brief period many years ago when he did have a part time job.

He was sort of SAHP but I have only ever worked 2 ( long ) days a week in my own business. Effectively he was SAHP for 2 days a week, I was for the other 5.

my reason for mortgaging my house to buy him one is to get him out and to give the kids a place to live.

He actually has several thousand in savings ( all of which i gave him over the years, ISAs I set up for him etc ) so could walk out the door and rent a place tomorrow but wd not be entitiled to benefits .

I have suggested he puts his savings into a house to buy and I will contribute the rest

OP posts:
Mixxy · 14/08/2013 23:35

But who will cut his meat for him!?!

Seriously, not your problem OP.

Twinklestein · 14/08/2013 23:35

Why on earth would buy him a house? You know you'll be paying the upkeep, insurance & bills for the rest of your life right? He will say JSA isn't enough to on its own & you'll need to fund him. He'll never any motivation to keep himself employed or to finance himself.

He needs to grow up & become a responsible adult. And you need to set an example to your kids that you can't sponge & doss your way through life.

Original poster
pleaseleave · 14/08/2013 23:36

no he wont make a claim on me

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/08/2013 23:40

You can have savings and claim housing benefit, I think you can have £8k that they disregard. Buy the time he puts down a deposit and pays x month up front he may well be under that limit!!!

It really isn't your problem, he has no financial claim on you at all and I'm afraid you need to be ruthless and evict him. If you in anyway help him out with buying etc you are maintaining a financial tie...

EachAndEveryHighway · 14/08/2013 23:44

I would unceremoniously kick his arse out of the door. With 'his' savings, he can pay the rent.

You say your reason for remortgaging the house is to buy him one to get him out and give the kids a place to live.

Well .... you can get him out without doing that. And ... are you saying 'give the kids a place to stay when he has contact with them'?

That's his problem. If he loves the kids he'll sort it. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you into bankrolling him for ever.

Original poster
pleaseleave · 14/08/2013 23:45

I am so glad I posted here as you are all making me see things differently. I want to be generous but dont want to be a mug.

He has quite a bit more than 8k, which of course I am now slightly regretting giving him!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 14/08/2013 23:46

x post

If he already has several thousands that you've given him (lets be honest they're your savings not his) - then he can use them to put a deposit down on a flat & get a job to pay the mortgage for the rest.

Yes he may have to spend time on the dole until he finds a job, but unless he has a mortgage to pay he will never get a job.

To get round his eligibility for benefits in the short term, he could transfer those savings to your name, until he gets himself established.
I don't see that as dodgy as it is actually [i]your[/I] money. And the alternative would be for him to live off those savings until he has so little that he qualifies for benefits.

Do not contribute to the house. That money should be kept for your children's uni funds & deposits on their first property, your pension & health fund etc

Your children have a home with you - that's their home - they don't need another one. They will go visit their dad wherever he lives & if it's small they can go for days out.

If you buy him a place he may expect to have Christmases with the children etc -

Harryhairypig · 14/08/2013 23:47

I really think you need to tell him that he has the savings, he sorts himself out. If pushed he will work, he'll have too. Or find someone else to fund him, sounds like supporting him is a habit you are finding hard to break at the moment, you will see clearer once you have the distance between you.

Twinklestein · 14/08/2013 23:49

I think it's £3000 not £8000. From £3000 - £8000 there's a rising scale of reductions in benefit.

Original poster
pleaseleave · 14/08/2013 23:50

twinklestein, yes I did think exactly all that. But if he transfers savings to me I will be tax liable

OP posts:
Harryhairypig · 14/08/2013 23:51

Ps. Dont transfer savings back, they will want to see details of finances and run checks on things like bank accounts now, it would be seen as fraud if they found this as its done with the intention of him getting the benefits.

RandomMess · 14/08/2013 23:53

Well stuff it he can rent somewhere - he may well have to pay 6-12 months up front if he has no job anyway. You have provided those savings so he no reason what so ever not to go.

Truly honestly I would give him written notification that he has to leave and if need be evict him or quite simply change the locks and tell him to eff off!

He only needs a 2 bed place, he can share with the ds' and dd(s) can share if they choose to stay over with him.

Twinklestein · 14/08/2013 23:53

Let's be clear OP, you sound lovely, and you've already been overly generous and a enormous mug. Smile

You might be able to get some of the money back, but not without huge rows.

If you want to pay him off - let that be his golden handshake. Enough for a deposit & to tide him over & the rest is not your problem.

Original poster
pleaseleave · 15/08/2013 00:01

you lot are amazing and I am crying

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 00:01

Harry - it's not his money - they could truthfully argue that all of that money was a gift that the OP reclaimed when they split up.

If it was genuinely his savings I would agree.

Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 00:02

x post again. Don't cry! ((((hugs))))

RandomMess · 15/08/2013 00:07

Yep treat the savings as a golden handshake to set himself up.

Give him notice to go of a few weeks and then change the locks!

Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 00:10

Btw - I should say that those figures I gave above were from, I realise now, nearly 10 years ago - so it must have gone up.

Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 00:10

(DDS figures I mean)^^

Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 00:14

DSS even. Confused

Original poster
pleaseleave · 15/08/2013 00:15

he could actually move in with his parents for a short while. They have a biggish house round the corner and the kids would be very welcome there

OP posts: