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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has agreed to leave but how can he with no job and no money

59 replies

pleaseleave · 14/08/2013 23:09

my back story is very long and complicated.
I could post a link but am exhausted.Some may recognise me.

Partner of many years, father of our 3 young teenish age kids and I have endured a crap relationship for far too long .
We never married partly because I always feared deep down he was workshy ( he is) and I owned my home and business long before we met. .

I dont want to go into all that here. He is a good if grumpy dad.

The relationship is killing my soul. He agreed last month to an amicable separation.
I should have done this YEARS ago

At that point he was in the first job he had had in many years.( been in job 3 months or so)

Then he got the sack.

Now he has NO job . ( this has been part of the problem for years, his reluctance to work )

I have decided I will probably have to remortgage the house to buy him a small house locally so the children can come and go and maintain a relationship with us both. I realise we are very fortunate in being able to do this.it rankles a bit ( he has absolutely taken advantage of me over the years and I should never have let it go on so long )but I see this as for my children as much as him .

but he will have NO income . Looking into benefits etc it seems he will get about £70 a week. Does that sound about right ? I absolutely do not want to be financing him for the forseeable future, far less forever and a day.

I am not looking for legal advice - he won't be making a claim on my assets or pension ( he has no legal right )

How do others do it? I can taste freedom and a new life without his soul sucking negativity

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 00:20

Perfect. I love your username btw.

I'm off to bed. x

Original poster
pleaseleave · 15/08/2013 02:06

thanks x

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 15/08/2013 07:48

look, my ex H got a big pay off from me and a sizable chunk of my pension pot - I was always the higher earner - he ahd no ambition and 'no interest' in getting a better job. He moved in with his parents while the financial settlement was agreed. Years later he is still there. The dc cannot stay overnight but he is not motivated to support himself eve with a big pay off. I wish I had fought harder to give him less as it has not benefited my dc one little bit.

he's a adult. You are not his mother. He HAS money that you gave him. Thats it.....

pregnantpause · 15/08/2013 09:05

Don't throw good money after bad! I'm really struggling to understand why someone with over 8 grand in stolen savings can't set up alone? You're nor his mother or carer. in fact, when your DC leave home will you really give them over 8grand in cash and more on top? Or will you expect them to be more independent, helping when it's needed. What if you lost everything you have today, save for 8 grand? Would you be homeless? Or would that sizable amount in savings ensure your children have a home over their heads? Maybe not a perfect home, but a home, yes?Buy this man a house, and he will have a personal bank, a ticket for free money until he loses it all. He will remortgage, leave bills unpaid and potentially take out loans secured on it. You know he is feckless. Oust him. No more dragging this out, he is still taking advantage of your generosity, still emotionally blackmailing you. PrickAngry (him not you)

Reality · 15/08/2013 09:13

'Can I move in with you?

I won't contribute financially but I'll shag you once in a while and I'll be a GREAT parent to your DC (what does that mean exactly? Don't beat them or starve them? I can do that!).

I can't be bothered to work but you seem to have it all sorted so I'll just live off you, oh and if you could give me money to save that woudl excellent too.'

You'd laugh him out of your life if he said that at the start, I woudl hope. You sound so lovely and kind and he has taken advantage of you for all this time.

GilmoursPillow · 15/08/2013 09:22

Twinklestein has made some great posts.

Also, think of it this way: you buy your partner a house. Six months down the line he moves a new partner in. His shagpad. That you're paying for.

Madamecastafiore · 15/08/2013 09:26

You are allowing him to behave like a feckless teen. You are an enabler yet you are not happy doing it???

He has money for a rental deposit and will need to sort himself out a job and take some responsibility
.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 15/08/2013 09:28

Definitely don't buy a house - you then rely on him getting a job to pay the mortgage (doesn't seem likely!) Whereas if he rents when the savings run out he can get housing benefit, or living with his parents works fine too.

He's got 'savings' he'll be fine, you aren't responsible.

EasterHoliday · 15/08/2013 09:35

is there any likelihood that he will claim to be the primary carer of the children? if so, surely you're just as likely to be on the receiving end of a Schedule 1 Children Act claim for place for him to live while he looks after the children until the youngest is 18 as any man who has a non-working partner?

scarletforya · 15/08/2013 09:35

Give him nothing. Fucking hell OP. Kick his arse out, he's not your problem.

It's his job to provide somewhere suitable to have his kids. Don't spoon feed him any more. He sounds like a right parasite. Urgh.

EasterHoliday · 15/08/2013 09:41

Scarlet - what if this was one of the MN women - "I've given up my career to look after our three children while he's always in the office and now the relationship has broken down adn I'm left without anything"?
I appreciate I'm coming over a bit Xenia here, but OP does say that he's been the SAHP

Reality · 15/08/2013 09:43

No she doesn't, she says she worked two days a week and was the primary carer the other five.

GilmoursPillow · 15/08/2013 09:44

For two days a week, OP took care of the other five days. If he was taking the children to live with him then the OP would have to contribute financially but it sounds like the children will remain with the OP.

EasterHoliday · 15/08/2013 09:53

It wouldn't take a good family lawyer to turn two long days sole care / 5 days shared care into dominant carer though.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 15/08/2013 10:30

He can get full housing benefit for a one bed flat
All his council tax paid for
£70 a week to pay bills and food
Sure he will be broke but he won't be destitute. Maybe he will actually bother to go to work if he doesn't have anyone financing him.
He will need around £1.5k to set up in a flat, which he has.
End of story.

Ruprekt · 15/08/2013 10:33

How are you going to sort this today pleaseleave? SmileSmileSmileSmile

Val007 · 15/08/2013 11:32

I am gobsmacked and speechless!

OP, you need a REAL shake up, get angry, lose the loser NOW, don't look back EVER!

onefewernow · 15/08/2013 12:00

Yes who will cut up his meat, indeed!

OP I do think you need done counselling about your enabling behaviour . You need to get that tendency out if you before you have another relationship.

Val007 · 15/08/2013 12:02

Also, your title is misleading, OP, as you said he has money! Shock

Original poster
pleaseleave · 15/08/2013 18:16

thanks again everyone.
lots of food for thought.
interestingly on my old thread ( when deliberating about leaving ) over a year ago I was strongly criticised for being calculating in not marrying him to protect my assets in a split.
many were very sympathetic to his plight

OP posts:
Dirtymistress · 15/08/2013 18:54

Anyone who criticised you previously doesn't have their head screwed on. You owe him nothing, you have subsidised his lazy lifestyle for years, enough already. Use your money for yours and your dcs future. Stop allowing him to be so pathetic. And for what it's worth, I adore my DP, love the very bones of him, and he is a hard working man who treats me and our children like we are the centre of his universe. But will I marry him? No way. The house is mine and that's the way it will stay. You just never know when a partner might up and leave. You have to protect yourself and your children.

Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 19:03

Maybe you were more honest in this thread? Maybe you sounded more positive about him last year? I don't know, I wasn't around then.

WaitressRose · 15/08/2013 20:29

I didn't see your thread last year but I would have wondered why, if he was such a loser, you had 3 children with him.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2013 22:03

The only benefit for you that buying another house would bring, as far as I can see, would be if you wanted it for an investment.

But I can forsee all sorts of problems with that one.

Ezio · 15/08/2013 22:17

OP, i wouldnt marry a man, who was workshy, no ambition and lazy if it meant protecting my assets.

Hes got 8k, people work with less, boot him out and let him get on with it.