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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex Wife and Partners Family

55 replies

Deecee1012 · 14/08/2013 15:00

Hi..
I'd really appreciate some thoughts on a situation I'm in. It's troubled me for some time and I just don't know how to react or if it's actually me that's being / feeling unreasonable!

I've been with my partner for 4 years - he's a lovely man and we are very happy together.
When we met he'd been divorced for about 12/13 years..
I was nothing to do with his marriage ending.

When we first talked about his ex' he told me she kept in touch with his family - I thought that was rather nice, very "adult" and good for his kids - to be fair they are now young adults 21 and 23.
Then when I met his mum, during our first conversation, she told me that she adored , his ex and that they met for lunch etc.
To be honest, I did feel like she was laying down the rule / law to be followed and from that moment on, felt in a way like I'd NEVER quite measure up!!

Anyway, the years have passed and while his family are all really nice and welcoming to me - I still feel second best.
His ex visits all the family on a regular basis.
Holidays with them too....in a way her "role" has never changed.
At Christmas - planning a visit was done carefully so SHE didn't feel awkward.
When we visited his brother - he said "oh came last week with (his son), I asked my partner and he said, she's just visiting with the kids. He's 23!!!!!!!

To be fair, her realtionship is with his family, not him.
I also tell myself, it's quite sad in a way that she's clinging on - my personal view as I always think it's telling that his family never visit her - she visits them.

She was totally distraught over the marriage ending and for a long time hoped they would get back together.
She does now have a partner.

Am I wrong in my feelings - it's like she's a ghost that won't go. I have an ex too and while I have no animosity towards any of his family, I don't visit them / go on trips either.

Any thoughts would be really welcome

OP posts:

LovePotatoes · 14/08/2013 15:09

Hello. I didnt want to read and run...
My thoughts are that maybe she has kept ties with your partner's family for her children's sake. It isnt a nice feeling to feel like you maybe in the shadow of someone else!
I don't think you will be able to change the set-up though. At least she has a partner now and in sone way may feel less of a possible threat maybe.... What do you think op?

Original poster

Deecee1012 · 14/08/2013 15:17

I appreciate the response...I could totally understand if the kids were young / younger but not now.
I think you can be cordial / friendly without 2/3 visits a week, almost daily phone calls etc.

One of my partners sisters came home last year - she'd been working abroad for three years. His ex partner was there that night to greet her - i'm told they were not that close!

I just feel out on a limb, not "threatened" as such.

OP posts:

LovePotatoes · 14/08/2013 15:23

It is very strange that she is in such regular contact with her ex's family. It feels like she needs to move on and reduce contact but that is something that may happen in time especially if she is happy in her new relationship. You and your partner are happy and i would just cherish what you have. The ex needs to move on but no-one can make her...

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 15:37

Why is it strange ?

She has relationships with these people that's she's built up over many years due to her being the mother of THEIR blood relatives.

Honestly I can't stand this attitude that all relationships that have been functioning well for years and years should just stop because a new partner is on the scene.

Grow up.

Original poster

Deecee1012 · 14/08/2013 15:51

Sparklysilversequins - perhaps I should have added this to my original post. During the marriage, she wouldn't visit his family, she didn't really like or get on with them.

It was only after the divorce that she "thawed".
I presume to let the children keep in touch, which is as it should be.

I also think I have "grown up", I would be more than happy to meet her. I just find it difficult that I am excluded from family events so that SHE doesn't feel awkward.
Surely grown up is accepting things have changed? My feelings are that she hasn't.

OP posts:

Mosman · 14/08/2013 15:54

I bet she was a lot closer than your DP is letting on, my st ex's first wife sent my s t b e x m I l photos of her children - with her new hubby - Christmas cards etc, all bit odd as they were only together five years and have been divorced 15 years but some people are like that I guess.

JoylessFucker · 14/08/2013 16:13

Deecee if you are being excluded from your partner's family events so that his ex doesn't feel awkward, that is very much a bridge too far. You need to let your partner know how this makes you feel. If he is properly committed to your relationship, he needs to step up to the plate and draw a line and do it publicly. In particularly, he needs to let his family know that whilst he is delighted if they socialise with his ex, it should not be at the cost of your inclusion in family events.

Families can be dense as to what is the right way to behave - mine continued to include my ex in all family get togethers without being in any way aware of how unhappy or awkward it made me feel. They had to have it spelled out and in very big letters! So, your ILs are more likely being thoughtless, or maybe waiting for your partner to lead the way.

mynewpassion · 14/08/2013 16:14

Why would she need to move on? I can understand them wanting to keep her happy for the kids' sake when they were young but not when are all grown up and can keep their own contact. Yet the family still invites her to family gatherings and phone contact outside of the children.

They have developed their own good relationship outside of your dp and the children. You just have to accept that is the way things are.

IAmNotAMindReader · 14/08/2013 16:23

Being excluded from family events is a big NO. If they're all that adult then there's plenty of room for both of you and her partner too as he comes as part of the package with her.

You need to find out if you haven't already where this is coming from, your partner your in laws or the ex. Broach the subject with your partner first then sit everyone else down and thrash it out like adults.

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 16:33

In your OP you say in a way her role has never changed. Then you say that she was never that close to them during the marriage. Which is it?

She used to be married to a family member, after the split she probably facilitated contact between them and the children, they've grown closer and now she's a friend. I can't see the issue.

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 16:35

And OP wasn't excluded. A visit was planned carefully.

Vivacia · 14/08/2013 16:36

I feel a bit different to the majority view. I don't think that this is normal and I wouldn't want to tolerate it.

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 16:39

But why should have a say in who they choose to be friends with?

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 16:49

OP I understand EXACTLY how you feel. My ex's children were quite young so I could understand it to a certain extent and would never expect ties to be cut. However I totally understand that 'out on a limb feeling'. I too somehow felt I'd never measure up or wasn't as important.

His sister got married last year and I wasn't invited, his ex was and so to all intents and purposes they were like a family unit, he hotly disputes this he didn't stand up to his family and say he wanted me to be there. I should,ve realised then that he wasn't going to put me first even though we'd been together 3 yrs by then. If we visited his family they seemed pleasant enough to me but she would always be brought into the conversation even though they regularly saw her anyway

His attitude to my hurt is what broke us up I was never allowed to express it. So I can understand how your feeling as regarded the situation. My ex was nasty if I got upset though, hopefully yours isn't and you will at least be able to talk it through with him and he can empathise even if he can't do much to change the situation x

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 16:50

Fully agree THAT situation is crap jackie completely unacceptable but to be honest it sounds like you're well rid.

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 16:52

Why do you think my situation is crap and not the OP's? Just curious as I'm still getting over the breakup and my heads everywhere

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 16:53

I think I need validation and reassurance that I'm well rid iyswim

Angelfootprints · 14/08/2013 16:55

Deecee1012

I understand this. My dad is still besotted with my mums side of the family and keeps hanging on, even though they split up 10 years ago. He never bothers with his own side of the family.

He has managed to estrange her own dad from her too.

I know its a control thing, I think he also thinks they might end up back together if he keeps in touch.

It causes massive problems.

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 16:56

Sorry didn't mean to hijack x

mynewpassion · 14/08/2013 16:57

It sounds like they don't exclude the op just time slots them

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 17:06

Because it doesn't sound the same. OP is included but seems to want ex not to be. Her DP seems to be understanding about her concerns too, she didn't mention otherwise.

Your ex was happy to go and play family unit on extended family occasions and tell you to like or lump it.

Like previous poster said OP is not excluded just time slotted.

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 17:12

Fair enough. I do understand what she means when she says she feels out on a limb though and that the ex's role doesn't appear to have changed.
Thank you you have made me feel a tiny bit better about it ending and that it wasn't me being unreasonable as he always wanted me believe

JoylessFucker · 14/08/2013 17:18

Sparkly (and others) see the OP's post of 15:51:51 where it says:

"I would be more than happy to meet her. I just find it difficult that I am excluded from family events so that SHE doesn't feel awkward."

That specifically says that the OP is excluded and the ex is included, hence my post.

Original poster

Deecee1012 · 14/08/2013 17:19

To clarify, I am excluded so his ex doesn't feel awkward. I did say that in my 2 nd response.
Xmas was time managed...that's the exception.
My partner still feels guilt...he left the marriage. He hates conflict.

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 17:25

What would you like to see happen? What would make you feel better about it all?

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