Ex Wife and Partners Family

[Deecee1012]

Hi..
I'd really appreciate some thoughts on a situation I'm in. It's troubled me for some time and I just don't know how to react or if it's actually me that's being / feeling unreasonable!

I've been with my partner for 4 years - he's a lovely man and we are very happy together.
When we met he'd been divorced for about 12/13 years..
I was nothing to do with his marriage ending.

When we first talked about his ex' he told me she kept in touch with his family - I thought that was rather nice, very "adult" and good for his kids - to be fair they are now young adults 21 and 23.
Then when I met his mum, during our first conversation, she told me that she adored , his ex and that they met for lunch etc.
To be honest, I did feel like she was laying down the rule / law to be followed and from that moment on, felt in a way like I'd NEVER quite measure up!!

Anyway, the years have passed and while his family are all really nice and welcoming to me - I still feel second best.
His ex visits all the family on a regular basis.
Holidays with them too....in a way her "role" has never changed.
At Christmas - planning a visit was done carefully so SHE didn't feel awkward.
When we visited his brother - he said "oh came last week with (his son), I asked my partner and he said, she's just visiting with the kids. He's 23!!!!!!!

To be fair, her realtionship is with his family, not him.
I also tell myself, it's quite sad in a way that she's clinging on - my personal view as I always think it's telling that his family never visit her - she visits them.

She was totally distraught over the marriage ending and for a long time hoped they would get back together.
She does now have a partner.

Am I wrong in my feelings - it's like she's a ghost that won't go. I have an ex too and while I have no animosity towards any of his family, I don't visit them / go on trips either.

Any thoughts would be really welcome

"but she is not part of that family anymore (although of course her children are) and she shouldn't be included in family gatherings"

This can be a bit tough on that family: for years they have been encouraged to think of the ex as a daughter/sister/close member of the family, during this time closeness will have developed

My db left his partner very suddenly last year. I am struggling with the fact that the woman I had been encouraged to think of as a sister for 15 years and whom my children see as their aunt is suddenly not to be mentioned at all. It's confusing for my dc. She has done nothing wrong, at least nothing we didn't know about for 15 years, she has been a big part of our lives and suddenly she doesn't exist any more, just so the new woman is to feel comfortable. It's particularly horrible when her son is present and we have to sit there not mentioning his mum; it feels like we're pretending that all those years together didn't mean anything.

I have a landmark birthday coming up (I know, silly, but in my culture they are) and would love to invite ex-SIL - in fact, the initial plan before she was dumped was that she was going to host it for me.

I have nothing against db's new partner, but I can't seriously pretend she is as big a part of my life. But I suppose (rather grudgingly) that she will have to be invited and ex-SIL disinvited.

I second (or third?) the suggestion you make an effort to meet her and get rid of the tension - you can all then behave like grow ups !

I was a member of ex H's family for 25 yrs, lots of good solid relationships built in that time - especially with his mum - it's just bonkers to think that should have changed because he decided to end the marriage. I love those people and they love me, that is not going to change, nor should it IMO.

In my case the new wife (ow) doesn't want to acknowledge he had a family before her, so it's a different scenario, but I certainly would be more than happy to meet her and make sure we could both be present at key events like Birthdays, weddings and funerals. Actually this is making me think that maybe I should try to arrange this before we get a crisis like a fUneral to deal with.....

They've been divorced for 12 years? You've been with him for 4? You've not met her? But you both go to family events, carefully arranged so you don't bump into her? What the hell are his family doing??? You're both adults. The children are adults.

I think his family need some attitude readjustment. You're not 'the other woman', having you there isn't an insult to her. You should both be invited. Once that starts happening his ex will either accept it or see less of them.

I separated from my H at the beginning of the year (his choice) and his family just dumped me. I have very little contact with them at all and am no longer invited to anything - even though I have to take my DC along and drop them off ansd then collect them afterwards. My family live abroad and therefore, I now feel incredibly isolated and the special relationship I thought I had with my MIL (as my surrogate mum) now feels like a sham. Not helped by the new P being invited to everything and being welcomed with open arms - it is horrendous.

I know you weren't involved in your P's marriage ending and it has been years but I can fully understand why the ExW may want to continue having contact and spending time with people who are an important part of her life. I know I would if they were interested.

It's not clear from the OP whether the ExW has family living close by herself but having been dropped like a shitty stick because H decided we were through and he'd rather be with the OW - well, it's like a second bereavement in addition to me losing my marriage. So I actually think that, yes his family could be more tactful and you should be invited to these events BUT I think it's pretty great of them to continue to treat the mother of their grandchildren/neices/nephews etc as part of their family.

As many have pointed out, it is up to your P to mention how you feel to his family and make it clear you are to be included in addition to his ExW. The fact he is struggling here makes me think you need to spell out exactly how you are feeling about this and then work together to make sure you are properly integrated. After 4 years, it's not like you're a flash in the pan.

Out of interest, do you spend much time with his DC as a family unit - I know given their ages, it's not going to be trips to the park etc, but meals out or your family events for example.