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Original poster

Ex Wife and Partners Family

55 replies

Deecee1012 · 14/08/2013 15:00

Hi..
I'd really appreciate some thoughts on a situation I'm in. It's troubled me for some time and I just don't know how to react or if it's actually me that's being / feeling unreasonable!

I've been with my partner for 4 years - he's a lovely man and we are very happy together.
When we met he'd been divorced for about 12/13 years..
I was nothing to do with his marriage ending.

When we first talked about his ex' he told me she kept in touch with his family - I thought that was rather nice, very "adult" and good for his kids - to be fair they are now young adults 21 and 23.
Then when I met his mum, during our first conversation, she told me that she adored , his ex and that they met for lunch etc.
To be honest, I did feel like she was laying down the rule / law to be followed and from that moment on, felt in a way like I'd NEVER quite measure up!!

Anyway, the years have passed and while his family are all really nice and welcoming to me - I still feel second best.
His ex visits all the family on a regular basis.
Holidays with them too....in a way her "role" has never changed.
At Christmas - planning a visit was done carefully so SHE didn't feel awkward.
When we visited his brother - he said "oh came last week with (his son), I asked my partner and he said, she's just visiting with the kids. He's 23!!!!!!!

To be fair, her realtionship is with his family, not him.
I also tell myself, it's quite sad in a way that she's clinging on - my personal view as I always think it's telling that his family never visit her - she visits them.

She was totally distraught over the marriage ending and for a long time hoped they would get back together.
She does now have a partner.

Am I wrong in my feelings - it's like she's a ghost that won't go. I have an ex too and while I have no animosity towards any of his family, I don't visit them / go on trips either.

Any thoughts would be really welcome

OP posts:
Angelfootprints · 14/08/2013 17:26

I feel sorry for you op. How can you build a family life like this?

mynewpassion · 14/08/2013 17:30

Has your dp broached his family about excluding you from most family gatherings? Or do they exclude him too?

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 14/08/2013 17:32

Perhaps they enjoy each others company and get on well. I split with XP four years ago and am really very close to his mum and sister and her family, I love them dearly and they me, I hope. :)

XP is absolutely nothing to do with it, I have no feelings for him, he is with someone else. He has never taken his partner to visit his mother nor his sister and family, I'm sure she feels as you do, as would I. But, this is to do with XP not his family, she would be welcome, I would have no issue with her being there and when all said and done, it is nothing to do with me. He has decided to not to take her, he has made a void between her and them.

In my opinion it is more to do with the way your partner is dealing with this perhaps?

Oh and my daughter who is 5 is much younger than your partners children, but 21 or 5 I would be the same.

:)

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 17:33

You are not wrong in your feelings at all. They are perfectly valid. The kids are old enough to see grandparents ect independently. I think it's odd she is hanging on to such an extent and would find it very annoying. Even more annoying is your DP's mother telling you she adores the ex, very tactless!

It's not nice feeling second best but if you and your partner are able to discuss it then even if things don't change in the short term at least you'll know he's on your side

JoylessFucker · 14/08/2013 17:34

Deecee its lovely that you're so understanding of your partner's feelings and situation viz: "My partner still feels guilt...he left the marriage. He hates conflict."

But ... how is he feeling about YOUR situation. If he feels that much guilt over his ex, he shouldn't have dragged you into the situation. He should have spent the time alone until he'd worked his way through it. He's relying on your caring nature to allow him to wallow in the guilt and avoid conflict with his family. THIS IS NOT ON ... you know it and you need to tell him. Talk to him, ask him to think about it and ask him whether he really feels the situation is fair on you.

If he's not prepared to make things right for you, he's simply not committed enough to you & your relationship ... or he's a weak man. Up to you whether that's OK or not.

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 17:36

flatcap your absolutely right, it's the partners response to it all and the way he deal with it that makes the problem ( well in my case anyway)

Hippychickster · 14/08/2013 17:39

I would hate this, and it would be a deal breaker for me. I am not a jealous person at all and actually got on really well with my exh's sister, but had to accept there is collateral damage when a relationship breaks down and I would NEVER in a million years have made a new partner feel so uncomfortable.

I think your partner's ex is being very unreasonable, and I don't think this is normal. Nothing is stopping her being friends with his family, but she is not part of that family anymore (although of course her children are) and she shouldn't be included in family gatherings at the exclusion of the OP.

I really feel for you OP because I could not live like that xx

maddy68 · 14/08/2013 18:20

As annoying as it is for you this has nothing to do with you. She has been in there family for a long time and now she has become friends with them. Fabulous for the children (no matter that they are adults they are still their children)
I think it's one of those things you have to suck up otherwise you are the waked step mother!

Vivacia · 14/08/2013 18:29

As annoying as it is for you this has nothing to do with you.

Even if it means she's not welcome at family events?

Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 18:31

Of course it's something to do with the OP she is now supposed to be part of that family also

BoozyBear · 14/08/2013 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hippychickster · 14/08/2013 18:53

To be fair, it doesn't really matter what the OP should or shouldn't feel. You can't control your feelings and if she feels uncomfortable then it's a valid feeling and her DH should take that into account.

Deecee, I would feel the same as you.

JustinBsMum · 14/08/2013 19:33

Surely Deecee is uncomfortable because the family is pussyfooting around the exes feelings and deliberately leaving Deecee out. That's ridiculous.
Ex can certainly have friendship with her ex inlaws.
But Deecee should be welcomed into the family not be treated like a pariah.
And DP needs to man up and stop assuming Ex is still devastated at the split, how arrogant is that, Ex has moved on and has new DP.
So all should be happily at family events without this piss-farting around.

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 19:43

Maybe they talk about the ex a lot to OP to try and make her feel more comfortable about her. Should she never be mentioned? Maybe they think OP would be uncomfortable and don't really know how to get them BOTH involved so stick with what they know. Maybe there's no malice in it all but the ex is important to them and they'd like for everyone to just get on without any drama.

More communication is needed it seems to me. What events were you excluded from OP?

Mixxy · 14/08/2013 20:10

If this arrangement with the family is so "grown up", bite the bullet and ask to meet her. You might get on great. That way, you remove any possible management of holidays and parties etc.

maddy68 · 14/08/2013 23:57

The op is welcome at family events. It seems that the family are trying to accommodate ex wife as well as her. Obviously she will feel irritated by this but the family don't need to choose!

ourlittlestreet · 15/08/2013 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 15/08/2013 06:25

ourlittle I totally agree, why wouldn't it be like this? I was never married to XP however I see his family as mine, I am the Mother of their grandchild and niece, to me that makes me part of their family. XP doesn't feature in our relationship at all.

Vivacia · 15/08/2013 06:27

She is obviously always part if the family unit which involves the children. I don't think she should be with the ex-in-laws.

MissTweed · 15/08/2013 06:40

Does she have close family of her own? Maybe she doesn't want to let go of them if they are a kind of adopted family and doesn't want to feel alone? It is weird though!

Sparklysilversequins · 15/08/2013 10:36

It's NOT weird. She's developed good relationships with some people. It happens to be with her exes family. Most likely because there were CHILDREN involved. What would be weird and really nasty is if she was suddenly dropped and those relationships disbanded because there was a new partner on the scene.

I agree that OP should get to know her, there's more than likely room for one more in this family situation.

However as the OP hasn't been back or answered any questions or responded to any advice I think this is probably a storm in a teacup and some foot stamping from the OP in a situation that doesn't quite suit her but where everyone else seems to be quite happy.

ourlittlestreet · 15/08/2013 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 15/08/2013 11:24

I think it's different to a friendship because it's a network of relationships with a family unit.
I think it's weird because it's led to the OP being excluded from family occasions.

Sparklysilversequins · 15/08/2013 11:35

I've asked OP what family occasions and she hasn't answered that.

ourlittlestreet · 15/08/2013 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.