How do you get on with your ILs?

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How do you get along with your in laws/future in laws/partners parents?

I am just curious, sorry for the nosiness.

Myself, I get on okay with them ish, but had a fair few problems with them to be honest and although I know everyone says this, I really haven't done anything to them, DF can even vouch for that.

They have:
--Accused me of being a gold digger (well this was his Mum) I have no idea why as this was in the early days I had lent him more money than he had ever lent me, so makes no sense.
--Been angry with me and my DF and stopped talking to him because he hadn't told them that he was coming up to visit me (lived in his own flat at the time, so nothing like needing to let him in or anything).
--Swore at me when my DF bought up some washing to do (which I know sounds a bit cheeky but as had bad flu and was in bed most of the week he said his parents wouldn't mind doing some. But saying we aren't able to would've been fine, but his Dad started swearing at me. When I kindly told him to not talk to me like that and stop being threatening his response? 'You think this is threatening? Continue like that and I'll show you threatening'). They have also admitted to DF that they 'just don't like me'.

However, I do go and visit them sometimes and in general in day to day life we get on fine although I do feel uncomfortable with them sometimes. They seem a lot better now I have had my daughter, but not sure how they'll be when/if we stay overnight at theirs (I really don't want to, but can't put it off forever).

So just curious as to how everyone else gets on with their ILs?

Would love to hear some nice stories, but also some frank and honest ones.

They will be my inlaws when DF and I get married in 2 years. We've been together 5 years tomorrow. :)

*--Not trying to slander my DFs family as he obviously loves them dearly but these things have hurt me and caused some arguments in our relationship.

i get along with my inlaws "ok". We used to go out for drinks with them etc after being together with dh for a couple of years and (due to us moving miles away from them) we used to spend a weekend every couple of months at theirs which i could tolerate. i wouldnt say we were close, and as the years have gone by we have become less close. MIL has just gone through a midlife crisis point and left FIL for a younger man (a few years ago), and has taken the opinion that if she is happy and doing what she wants then everyone else has to fit in around that. i think she has been a little heartless with her family and therefore have taken a step back from her because i am a little tired of hearing how wonderful her life is. (Maybe i am the one being a little horrible by doing this but i cant change how i feel). Money is always an issue to her now and i dread the time we have to go and stay with her because other family members have stayed with her and she is always complaining how much it costs her for them to stay (ie extra electric, food etc)!

Now on the otherside of it my DH gets on great with my mother and father and they treat him as they would treat me and my siblings. he sees them as second parents.

Not well - MIL is a childish idiot!

Ah yes, know that one alright.

I get on really well with my MIL, and her partner. She's like a second mum to me and, having lost my mum to cancer earlier this year, I'm very grateful for her advice and support now I'm pregnant with our first.

My FIL has never been much of a dad to DH, DH gets on with him fine but always says he doesn't expect anything from him. He considers him more of a drinking buddy than a dad. I get along with him ok as long as I ignore some of what he says (he's quite good at twisting the truth!)

I get on extremely well with mine. They are lovely people.
My mil offers advice when you ask for it but keeps her nose out. She is fully fair and if she thinks dp is being a dick she will tell him so.
Fil has bailed us out financially big style a few years ago. He never speaks to me about it or offers any help as he respects that I'm stupid too proud for my own good. He is the one we go to for advice on anything.

They have an excellent sense of humour and dote on dd but in a true gp way.

If I had to pick something negative I would say they wait on their kids too much. Sil gets a lift down to work half through Sunday lunch despite it being a 5 minute walk (she's in her 20's) and up until recently mil has ran bil to work at 7am every morning after waking him doing his flask etc.

It bugs me that they don't seem to realise what a gem of a mother they have and seeing her looking old and tired whilst they don't do anything for themselves.

It's a shame they are getting on, they, out of all the gp are the ones that I would love dd to have lots of time with.

My ILs are very nice people and over the years have come with us on holiday, spent time with me by myself and such like. They are very good and help us with the kids and, when we had a large expense unexpectedly this year, helped us out even though they could ill afford it. My MIL has her moments even with all that mind you - she is really defensive if anyone dares say anything negative about her family..this includes ME if I get on at my own kids!! bizarre

My ILs are ok. MIL & FIL divorced before I was ever on the scene and this has generally always been held up by MIL and DH's brother (only sibling) as the Great Tragedy, which has cast a big shadow over things in the family for a long time.

I get on great with FIL. We don't see him very often but he's very relaxed and nice. MIL can be hard work - she expects things done a certain way and I think she is secretly very resentful that we have moved to an area that she is snobbish about and don't live in the style she would like. That said, we don't rock the boat and I generally have a nice relationship with her. She has no daughters so I brought her to see my wedding dress and she is always welcome here even if DH isn't around. We have only ever clashed over one issue when she threw her toys out of the pram big time and me and DH had an epic showdown with her about it. It was resolved in the end and things are fine now.

BIL is a strange case. He has a LOT of issues about his parents split and I don't think he has a great relationship with FIL. He lives near MIL and they are very close but he and SIL are also very hard work and tend to make mountains out of everything. BIL is an even bigger snob than MIL and I think we are just too different to get along all that well. It's all fine on the odd visit but the two times we have tried holidaying with them have been disasterous and we said after the last time that we won't ever do it again.

Simple answer: I don't (get on with them) They are the sort of people who appear nice but it's a case of 'behind closed doors,' it's a different matter.

My 'major crime' was marrying their Son and they've never got over that. DH and I have been together nearly 20 years and for the first 12 years, I 'sucked it up' for DH's sake and put up with the shouting/swearing/abuse. I've been accused of wanting to split up the family and stopping DH from visiting/calling, been ignored when we visited (I used to sit for hours by myself in their lounge, while DH sat with them in another room), was treated like a servant and ignored when they visited us and been left out of 'photo sessions' by FIL. We averaged an 'IL tantrum' a year and after each one, I was expected to 'sweep it under the rug', pretend it didn't happen, no apologies, let's not mention it again and get back to playing at 'happy families.'

That was until 7 years ago, when DH (and I know he's half the problem as he's never stood up to them), said to me during a row about his parents (and we've only ever had major rows about them) that, "husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family." So I quit and washed my hands of them. They now only visit once a year to ruin Christmas and I haven't visited them for 9 years. In a way, they've got what they always wanted in that DH now visits alone so they should be happy. But they're not ~ when they visit, FIL shoots me filthy looks and MIL gives me crappy Christmas presents ~ there was a smelly shower puff one year (which I thanked her for because I'm never going to do what she wants and descend to her level by throwing a tantrum back.)

DDs (the only GC my ILs have got) don't know them and DD1 (aged 14), actually hates them as she's seen how I've been treated and the tears I've cried because of them. The saying 'you reap what you sow' very much applies to my ILs as they have no friends, they've alienated a lot of family and are going to continue having a very lonely old age.

I'm currently no contact with my ils me and dh have been together 5 years and during that time they have done the following

First meeting at they just happened to be watching a video of their wedding anniversary as I arrived that just happened to be paused on a clip of dh kissing ex

Pil constantly told me they didn't think relationship would work we were too different apparently

Stayed with them for Christmas mil bought me a top asked me to try it on I'm a size 14 top was 'small' no way would it have fit without breaking it incredible hulk style

Same day asked me to take a picture of all family saying she didn't want me on it as it would be awkward to look at when me and dh split up!

When we got engaged phoned me to tell me many marriages end in divorce she didn't expect me to get an engagement ring or wedding.

When we got married cited to my mum and told her she wished my dh had married his ex as she loved her but wasn't even sure if she could grow to love me

Told my friend she was shocked I'd let her be a bridesmaid as she was cocky and overbearing.

At the same time fil was telling another friend he didn't believe she was s teacher as she seemed such lower class!!!

The day after our wedding which they really didn't like as it was so low key (20 guests) invited me dh and my family to a meal when we turned up we realised they had invited 150 of their friends to celebrate our wedding complete with flowers, cake, decorations all chosen by pil with dj and photographer...I saw red and snapped. Which apparently caused mil to 'have a nervous breakdown'

We saw them after wedding they told dh (who was unemployed at the time as the company he worked for had judt folded) to put most of our assets in his name 'so when you divorce her she doesn't get anything'

Last straw for me and dh we stormed out of the house didn't see them again for about a year decided to be nice and see them when dc was born.

At which point they set out what they wanted from us the list was
Daily phone calls from dh
Skype contact with dc x3 per week
Weekly photo updates in dropbox
Us to drive to them (2 hour drive) every other week with ds
Them to visit us for the full weekend every 3 weeks
Me to text regular photos of ds to them

I know some of the above request are reasonable but not when you are being allowed back into someone's life you have spent years being nasty to!

We wouldnt agree to all of this mil had another breakdown hates me, hates dh we are now at stalemate and deciding where to go from here...what I have posted is just the tip of the iceberg too if I post more im sure I'll be outed. When I write it down it looks too crazytoto be true I only wish it was!

I don't. I hate them. They are divorced but I try to take nothing to do with them. Luckily DH isn't mad on them either which always makes things easier.
I've put on here before some of the ridiculous shit mil comes out with/have done. I'm surprised I haven't throttled her by now.

I wouldn't bother with you your in laws if I were you. They sound rude and hard work. Fuck them is my motto.

'All unhappy families are unhappy in different ways' never a truer word spoken.

Your ILs sound hideous. But in a way at least they are openly hideous. I think they have given you plenty of good reasons to avoid them and leave DP to his relationship with them.

Mine? Mine are hideous but insidiously hideous which makes it all a bit trickier. They are just a bit bonkers.

Good luck.

belle - none of those request are reasonable as your MIlL sounds vile.
My FIL was lovely, sadly he died. My MIL was a pain in the arse. She too wanted (now XH) to marry his previous gf. Why do these people think its OK to treat their dc's partners like shite ? My MIL barely acknowledged my dc - but spent a fortune on her other GC.
Belle - in your shoes I would stay NC, and I would not let your dc be infected with her toxicity.

I get along fine with my ILs. It probably helps that they live 300 miles away! They have always been kind and generous to me. They have both been utter wankers to DP on many an occasion though and that's part of the reason I don't feel any great affection for either of them.

Compared to many ILs on here though, they are absolute golden treasures!

belleandsebastian, they sound unbelievably toxic. They sound deeply narcissistic and utterly unhinged. It sounds like everything will have to be on their terms forever more. My guess is that you would all be so much happier without these people in your lives. Believe me I do not say that lightly and I know from bitter experience how very painful these situations are. Good luck with it all

Yours sound pretty awful, tbh.

Mine are fine. I get on well with FIL and his partner. We've been for weekends away with them a few times. I can't seem to find much in common with MIL but she is ok.

I love my ex-in-laws. They are lovely people. me and XP split up 13 years ago when DCs were 5,3 & 1 - although XP told them I had had an affair (it was him.) They were never judgmental, always broadly supportive. when it emerged that he had lied through his teeth to them, they apologised to me. Have always supported me with looking after the DCs when I have needed a break or had to very occasionally work away from home...they have bailed me out financially as well, when XP hasn't been working and hasn't supported teh chiuldren financially himself.

My own parents died long before my children were born and If I could choose parents, I would choose DCs GPs.

Mine are lovely, always been kind and supportive to me...
BUT they hate DP's ex wife with a passion that shocks me to the core. The way MIL speaks about her with such venom is scary, as she is quite a mild mannered woman in every other way. I often think I would be on the receiving end of that if DP and I ever split (God Forbid).

My PIL experience was not the typical problematic one in that they were nice to me (mainly because my job impressed them) but never very noice to DH, who had a rough time as the family scapegoat growing up. Their marriage wasn't good and it didn't always make them easy people to be around.

But now MIL has died, FIL can't be bothered (and neither can DH be bothered with him) and DH is not in contact with SIL (mad and bad).

Which sounds fine, except that DH grieves over it. No contact is no easy option. He is sad he couldn't have a better family life, and very embarrassed when anyone asks about his family as there is quite a stigma attached to this kind of thing. My family all know not to ask about it now. I just hope that with time it will get a bit better, but I'm terrified that when FIL dies DH will be wracked with guilt and regrets.

I've always made it clear that if he changes his mind about contact with FIL and SIL I will help him in every way (though I dread having SIL anywhere near us, especially the children).

I don't have to get on with them because they have disowned us. It is the best thing in the circumstances but I wish I had nice ILs.

My MIL disliked me so much, (even though she had never met me!) that she refused to come to our wedding, and prevented FIL from coming.
Fortunatey DH's siblings came.
DH insisted I came with him every time we visited, and I never told DH how unbelievably rude she was to me when he was out of earshot, as I used to just smile at each insult and never reacted. She gave up in the end.
We developed a sort of decent relationship over the years, and once she had died we saw much more of FIL and became quite close.

I now have a DIL and I have no idea what she thinks of me!!

They had a hissy fit and walked out of our lives 7 years ago. Haven't seen them since.

So great actually

Love my MIL and FIL. It's SIL who needs a kicking.
They have been super supportive of me and made me feel welcome from the early days. I have also noticed my DH has become closer to them since I've been around.

They hate me. No idea why. We have mutual acquaintances who genuinely thought DH must have been married before, because the stories they had heard about his wife couldn't possibly be about me!!

I thought DH was in contact with them (I haven't been for a few years) but he recently told me he hasn't heard from them in months and doesn't intend to pursue it. They have met the older children a couple of times, and never met the baby. I don't want them anywhere near my kids tbh. Not only because of the way they treated me, but because of what DH's childhood was like. They are abnormal.

My SILs are darlings though, and DHs real mum is lovely. Just FIL and SMIL that are bonkers.