How do you get on with your ILs?

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How do you get along with your in laws/future in laws/partners parents?

I am just curious, sorry for the nosiness.

Myself, I get on okay with them ish, but had a fair few problems with them to be honest and although I know everyone says this, I really haven't done anything to them, DF can even vouch for that.

They have:
--Accused me of being a gold digger (well this was his Mum) I have no idea why as this was in the early days I had lent him more money than he had ever lent me, so makes no sense.
--Been angry with me and my DF and stopped talking to him because he hadn't told them that he was coming up to visit me (lived in his own flat at the time, so nothing like needing to let him in or anything).
--Swore at me when my DF bought up some washing to do (which I know sounds a bit cheeky but as had bad flu and was in bed most of the week he said his parents wouldn't mind doing some. But saying we aren't able to would've been fine, but his Dad started swearing at me. When I kindly told him to not talk to me like that and stop being threatening his response? 'You think this is threatening? Continue like that and I'll show you threatening'). They have also admitted to DF that they 'just don't like me'.

However, I do go and visit them sometimes and in general in day to day life we get on fine although I do feel uncomfortable with them sometimes. They seem a lot better now I have had my daughter, but not sure how they'll be when/if we stay overnight at theirs (I really don't want to, but can't put it off forever).

So just curious as to how everyone else gets on with their ILs?

Would love to hear some nice stories, but also some frank and honest ones.

They will be my inlaws when DF and I get married in 2 years. We've been together 5 years tomorrow. :)

*--Not trying to slander my DFs family as he obviously loves them dearly but these things have hurt me and caused some arguments in our relationship.

Before I met the IL's DP always told me that his family were great, get on with everyone and are generally awesome.

The truth is very different.

His sister is fucking bonkers

I don't speak to FIL at all, neither does DH, it has been over 18 months now. He was a useless father, is emotionally stunted and generally a thoughtless arsehole. We ahve removed the opportunity for him to also be a shit grandfather to our child.

MIL, although we ahve not technically fallen out with her, is a lazy, poor excuse for a mother and we ahve seen her once, very briefly during the last 18 months. She has never once asked to come and see DD, she is too lazy to make a brief train journey to see her grandchild or son, so we basically no longer bother with her either.

Superficially I make the effort to "get on". In fact, FIL is a misogynistic, condescending, contrary, arrogant bully. MIL is an attention seeking, thought less, ignorant old fool, BIL is basically his father but add in aggression. SIL is her mother with an added note of self centredness and exhibitionism. So fuck knows how DH turned out so (relatively) normal.

Christ I could fill a whole thread on their dickheadedness. But it would reach 1000 posts before anyone else got a chance to post on it. I'm getting tense just thinking about them!

Mine are ace! I love them. I spend time with them without my husband and don't find it a chore a all.

Whopping I think I only really care because DF does and it has upset him. Personally I wouldn't be overly bothered if I didn't see them again which sounds harsh, but true. I do want DD to have a relationship with them as long as they are nice to her, act appropriately and don't slander me infront of her when she is older. Otherwise I'm happy for them to see her every once and a while and I bite my tongue.

But I already feel I have what I want. DF would rather come to me or my parents for advice and we have a beautiful daughter together. I don't need their approval on anything really, because I am my own person.

Thanks so much for your input. Sorry you don't really get on with your in laws. Your MIL sounds like a controlling cow. Perhaps the others would be fine without her calling all the cards, but who knows?

I think it matters a whole lot how your partner handles it. If they are supportive then it really doesn't matter. If they blame you or don't support you, I imagine that makes life a whole lot worse.

Problem is there is no guarantee that such people would act nice to your DD seeing as they acted so awfully and continue to do so. Not all grandparents and kind and loving by any means.

A good piece of guidance I read on toxic grandparents is that if they are too toxic or difficult for you to deal with then they are way too toxic for your vulnerable and defenceless children to be in contact with.

Great. So long as I dont ask them for anything at a time that is going to disturb their routine. Mil's world crumbles if she has to for instance do her washing on a tuesday instead of a monday.

Complicated. Fil is a is an insecure manchild who uses grumpiness and racist/misogynistic comments to big himself up. He is a very strange combination of entitled git and vulnerable immature bully. I've had some lovely conversations with him where i've genuinely enjoyed his company but other times i've felt something close to hatred for him. He can be snappy grumpy and rude at times his behaviour is almost toddlerish.
Mil is a lovely strong woman who married the wrong man. Her upbringing was quite weird and i think it made her feel constantly in the way and unworthy. Fil has just added to that over the years with his behaviour. When she's not with him and especially when she's had a drink and is more relaxed i get on great with her - she is funny and interesting. When he is around she can't relax and drives me mad with her mithering. She can be quite interfering too. But she is an absolutely wonderful gran and my kids are extremely lucky to have so much as she might irritate me at times i bite my tongue because i know her intentions are good.

Sorry for getting you worked up Bonzo.

Their are other things too about my future ILs but again, I'd be here quite a while.

When they stopped talking to DF for about 4 or 5 months as he didn't tell them he was visiting me it was I who suggested he called them to see how they were as it was putting a lot of pressure on his nan (Mum's Mum) and that I could see it was getting him down. Hardly the bitch I am portrayed to be there then, am I?

But oh well, you can't choose your family and you can kind of choose your ILs but I'd much rather have my DF in my life because anything non related to his family he is so amazing in relation to. He has turned out so different from his family, something I am more than delighted about.

My parents have been infuriated with their behaviour and wanted to 'talk' with them. I told them it's really not worth it and to just be polite and leave it at that, as a fight is obviously what they want.

When I was in hospital with DD I was in hospital for 5 days as I had pre eclampsia and DD lost a bit of weight when she was a day or two old. They were 1 1/2 hours away but didn't have any visits. They did text to see how I was but honestly didn't even say, 'I would really like to come down but work have asked me to come in today' or something like that. DF's Mum said she wouldn't come to the hospital unless it was the one nearer to hers. I got one that is nearest to my parents because my Mum wanted to keep an eye on me in the last few months of pregnancy and the reviews of that hospital are excellent and they really did look after me so well!

Happily we no longer see any of our ILs. The occasional text from BIL, but DH ignores it. It's a relief as his parents split up when he was young, and they put him through hell. So frankly, no of them are any loss. (also makes Christmas a whole lot easier!)

I'm sorry to read that I am not the only one with vile IL.
Someone on MN recommended a book called Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward this week and I downloaded it onto my Kindle.
Not finished it but can I just say it is brilliant!
I would heartily recommend it to anyone who is suffering like I've been doing.

Mine have always been great, welcoming from day 1 and easygoing and uncomplicated.

The always say nice things, like that they think I look nice, am a great mum, their DS is lucky etc.

We can have a laugh and also know each other well enough to voice opinions even if we do not agree on something.

I wish they did not smoke all the time, but they try to be considerate about this.

I am sure we have at times said things that may have hurt the other's feelings, but as we are not looking for problems, nor thrive on drama, it has always been fine.

I am at anyone who is lucky enough to have lovely IL.
DH is very lucky because my own P are wonderful to him.
It makes me very sad and I feel robbed of what could have been tbh.

Bloody great relationship, MIL lives in UK and we have lived in Cyprus for nine years. FIL was a darling but died about ten years ago.
DH does visit her once a year but I don't go because we have cats, too many to pay for a cattery, a fine excuse for me not to go. Yay.

I do, most of the time.
Occasionally mil will pull a stunt that leaves me speechless - she picked my wedding dress up for me as I couldn't get down to London that week and then proceeded to show anyone calling in at the flat my dress! I found this at the wedding when sil said "oh it looks much better on, than on the hangar". Splendid.

She has pampered her children ridiculously and sometimes dh will need reminding that it's not my job to pick up after him and having arms that work means he is entirely capable himself.

They are generally lovely people. Fil can be very mischievous and I'm his partner in crime for sharing a good bottle of red wine. Mil would have a go at him for drinking it if I wasn't joining in.

My PILS had the potential to be the most controlling, intrusive pair ever.
It never happened because the first time they pulled an epic stunt, they were politely asked to leave our house. DH never for one moment took their side.
He was expected to apologise, he calmly told them no way, it was them who had behaved outrageously.
Every time MIL attempted to control our lives or DC lives, she has been told in no uncertain terms of the error of her ways by us both.
As a result, she is very wary and respectful towards me, keeps her criticism to herself and never again attempts to manipulate our DC. FIL is her bitch so he has got with the programme too.
We get on wonderfully well, no major blow outs for at least 4 years, in fact, we were on holiday together a few weeks ago and it was great.
My BIL is a darling and I adore him, my SIL and my DNeph. However, poor SIL is far nicer than me and suffers torments with MIL.
Married over 20 years, all is good

They're both very wrapped up in their own way of doing things - they have no friends or social life and are very fixed in their outlook on life.

FIL is a massive hypochondriac (moaning about how his thyroid was 'about to go' as my mother was dying of cancer...) and the whole way they parent and grandparent is very claustrophobic. They assume dh does all the household admin and that I do all the cooking and shopping - which grates after a while.

both my Mum and my Aunt told me I should make more of an effort with them as they are my PIL, but frankly life is too short. We are all happier if dh visits them with the dc and without me. I will have to grit my teeth through some Christmases but that's it for me.

FIL: nice, passive, cooks a lot. Loves MIL.

MIL: controlling, vaguely dishonest, selfish and dramatic. Uses generosity with meaningless objects instead of consideration. Loves FIL and BIL.
We are further down the food chain especially me and ds

I'll be honest... I don't. Luckily my family live not too far away and treat my DH like the son they never had. And always grandparent according to our rules and parenting styles.

My MIL is, quite frankly, not at all ok. She's never ever been left alone with DD, and never will be. I cope by gritting my teeth and smiling and nodding. And very occasionally muttering in German about her being an idiot. (Breastfeeding isn't natural, cloth nappies are disgusting, it's ok to smoke in car with grand kids if her window is open...)

I have only met FIL 3 times. He's very strange, but always sends me a birthday card and always sends DD birthday money and Easter/Christmas money to us to buy her something she'll like (and includes a gift tag from him to go on it).

I get on quite well with PILs. They are generally nice people and always ready to help out, even at the drop of a hat. I probably see them more than DH does, as they often take ds2 out and will stay for a chat (MIL saying the same thing in ten different ways, usually )

However. MIL is plainly used to being 'Queen Bee' in their family unit and does not like to be told 'no'. We had a run-in a couple of years ago over ds2's birthday, which ended in me getting a bit hysterical on the phone to DH (in Sainsbury's, FGS) and her boohooing about how hard done by she was. The end result was that they 'graciously forgave me'- even though she was in the wrong.

And, in a similar episode to the PP whose MIL showed everyone her wedding dress- DH ordered my engagement ring from the jewellers they used as a family in SA. The PILs brought it over when they came to visit. After we got engaged, I was admiring my ring and she said "Oh yes! It's lovely! I tried it on when I picked it up." I was , tbh- not just that she tried it on, but that she told me about it!

Essentially I'd say we get on well, but I am slightly wary of MIL and her dramatic, must-be-centre-of-attention tendencies.

My PIL are great MIL and SFIL have welcomed me with open arms, before me DP was not close to them at all and they didn't know much about him... Since I've been on the scene they have grown a great relationship and PIL have said on many occasions its down to me... They have very much spent a lot of money on us (dressing it up as gifts) "setting us up in life" as they call it and I couldn't be more grateful! My parents are amazing with DP also.

My EX-DP parents however, were horrible horrible people and hated me before they met me, glad I havnt got that again as it is so hard to deal with, hands down to all you people who will deal with horrible PIL forever more...

Mine are nice enough (although some ILs nicer than others) but they're not really my kind of people.

Neither myself nor the children have seen / spoken to them this year, although I don't think anyone is particularly bothered by that. The DC never mention them, DH used to see his parents after work occasionally, but I think that fizzled out. He never mentions them, they never phone, DH never phones them. There's no animosity, just no real relationship there. Basically, they never bother, DH never bothers and everyone lives busy lives.

However, everyone seems happy enough with this arrangement, so there are no issues, and DH / my DC are very close to my family (who are close and we spend lots of time socialising with them).

I have a very rollercoaster relationship with MIL. She can be very generous but with it comes controlling, interfering, demanding...to the point that I came very close to leaving DH over. At its worst I confided in BIL (he is much more willing to tell her where it's at than the rest of the family) and his partner and I suspect they may have had words as have only had one flare up in the last couple of years (touch wood).

FIL is an absolute sweetheart .

We used to get on well... Then when DH and I started planning the wedding FIL didn't like that I wasn't prepared to have all if his friends at the wedding. Very very very long story short - FIL ignored me on our wedding day, not even so much as a 'hello'

DH and I haven't spoken to FIL since.