Husband admitted one night stand

[Purplefi]

I was admitted to a&e and had surgery for a condition with 75% cause as an sti. I said well that's not my cause, I've been with husband 15 years married for 10. We have 2 children.

Home from hospital kept thinking. Asked husband outright had he been unfaithful. He said no several times.

5 days later he stepped out the shower and told me he'd slept with someone. Had a one night stand. 6 months ago. Drunk at a nightclub. He rarely goes out drinking and clubbing. Once or twice a year with work.

He also told me he's got addicted to watching porn. Thought what he had wasnt enough, then had a one night stand and realised what he had was.

Oh and he got into debt 2 years ago. business failed. Didn't tell me, buried head in sand and now what he owes is tripled and owes over 10 grand.

I'm devastated, always felt we were a good team, friends, partners etc. It seems so out of character for him. I can see how past couple of years we have made less of an effort with each other. He started job with massive daily commute. separated our lives. But there would have been better ways to deal with it.

I could have worked through the debt, the porn, but I always thought infidelity was a breaker for me. plus all the lying makes me uneasy. Now I'm faced with it I don't know.

If I hadn't have got ill, I'm not sure he would have admitted it. Since the admittance he's looked up counselling, sti clinics, stopped the porn, looked into sorting the debt to stop it mounting up more, arranged the children to go to his parents so I have recovery time physically and mentally. basically made the effort that had gone.

I'm confused and upset, its only the third day after finding out. Do we split or stay and try and rebuild our relationship. He's been selfish, immature and passive. Currently it seems like a wake up call but can he really change. I still love him but hate him too. He apparently loves me still. Yes I know, if he loved me why sleep with someone else, with no respect or thought for me.

Sorry so long, but my head and heart are all over the place.

[ImperialBlether]

I just wanted to warn you about hysterical bonding. You may feel you're going through a kind of honeymoon period shortly afterwards (you might not be able to believe this now) where you have lots of sex and make plans to change your lives together.

There's a thread about it here.

Be very careful.

I was concerned where you said your overwhelming feeling was relief - I went through that, too and it was immediately followed by the hysterical bonding. It's a kind of putting your mark on him, of trying to prove to yourself that you are a couple, you always were.

Take care of yourself.

[ImperialBlether]

How are you feeling today, Purple?