Husband admitted one night stand

[Purplefi]

I was admitted to a&e and had surgery for a condition with 75% cause as an sti. I said well that's not my cause, I've been with husband 15 years married for 10. We have 2 children.

Home from hospital kept thinking. Asked husband outright had he been unfaithful. He said no several times.

5 days later he stepped out the shower and told me he'd slept with someone. Had a one night stand. 6 months ago. Drunk at a nightclub. He rarely goes out drinking and clubbing. Once or twice a year with work.

He also told me he's got addicted to watching porn. Thought what he had wasnt enough, then had a one night stand and realised what he had was.

Oh and he got into debt 2 years ago. business failed. Didn't tell me, buried head in sand and now what he owes is tripled and owes over 10 grand.

I'm devastated, always felt we were a good team, friends, partners etc. It seems so out of character for him. I can see how past couple of years we have made less of an effort with each other. He started job with massive daily commute. separated our lives. But there would have been better ways to deal with it.

I could have worked through the debt, the porn, but I always thought infidelity was a breaker for me. plus all the lying makes me uneasy. Now I'm faced with it I don't know.

If I hadn't have got ill, I'm not sure he would have admitted it. Since the admittance he's looked up counselling, sti clinics, stopped the porn, looked into sorting the debt to stop it mounting up more, arranged the children to go to his parents so I have recovery time physically and mentally. basically made the effort that had gone.

I'm confused and upset, its only the third day after finding out. Do we split or stay and try and rebuild our relationship. He's been selfish, immature and passive. Currently it seems like a wake up call but can he really change. I still love him but hate him too. He apparently loves me still. Yes I know, if he loved me why sleep with someone else, with no respect or thought for me.

Sorry so long, but my head and heart are all over the place.

[Purplefi]

Angelfootprints - more pieces of information are that he was twisting information. It wasn't a drunken one night stand after a night club. It was a person met online and emotional email relationship formed and then unprotected sex on at least 2 occasions.
That's what I have so far from a limited telephone conversation at lunchtime.

Yes I am hurting, a lot.

[Purplefi]

Thanks for the practical advice Fairenuff. Very welcome. My brain is fog. I will use this next couple of hours to try and work out what I want to know.

No I've eaten nothing today, I just feel sick. I don't think I could stomach anything.

[Angelfootprints]

Personally I would be going through his pc/laptop/ ipad etc right now to get as much information as I could.

You need to see his emails and history to get a full picture.

[Angelfootprints]

P.S You are very calm, which is a lot more than I would be x

[clam]

"It was a person met online and emotional email relationship formed and then unprotected sex on at least 2 occasions."

Also known as An Affair.

So sorry.

[Purplefi]

His laptop and phone, which he uses are with him. He uses them on the train journey. Obviously for more reasons than I previously realised. So i can't go searching.

I don't feel calm inside. Half raw and emotional, half detached as though it's not really happening.

Hour and a half till he's home.

[something2say]

Massive hugs xxx I am driving home and will be thinking of you and sending strength xxx

[Angelfootprints]

Are you on a pc now? Does he ever use it? If so check his history.

I would demand full access to his phone and laptop when he is home.

He will need to give you all passwords. Don't warn him this is your intention or he could delete information and you will be forever left in the dark.

[mousebacon]

Good luck tonight purple. I hope you finally get the truth.

[Tiredemma]

Hope you get some answers

[Lovingfreedom]

Be prepared for a lot of bullshit. He will tell you only what he thinks he has to especially if he thinks you will forgive him.

[Mixxy]

I'm really sorry if I busted in all guns blazing when you were looking for support and comfort. It just made me so mad that a H would look at his wife pre-surgery and lie.

Sorry this is happening. Sorry I was so pushy with my responses.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm so sorry. It's so disappointing that these people always follow a pattern of denial, minimisation, admittance to something and then you know what follows, don't you? Blame. Watch out for that one.

[Purplefi]

Thought I'd update as you were all so helpful yesterday. We talked till 4am! And I've hardly slept since, my minds too active.
I do believe I may finally have the truth at least about the one most recent affair. Which actually lasted 15 months! So definitely not a one night stand.
Weirdly now I know, whilst being devastated and upset. I feel relief at having the information. knowing that whatever I did to try and make the marriage better was never going to work and doomed to fail while he was solving problems by going out side the marriage.
I'm still nervous about long term future. For now, 1 day at a time. Husband is moving out, so i have head space.
Still concerned about the children and supporting them through this. The poor innocent ones in his mess. I have a few days until they return from grand parents.
Once again thank you everyone. I didn't find anyone pushy. I actually needed reality checks. That's what made me question further.

[Fairenuff]

How did it go OP? How are you this morning?

and for you.

[Fairenuff]

Ooops, x post

Good to hear that you feel a little bit better for the moment. The next few days, weeks, months will be very up and down emotionally but all you need to do is get through each moment.

Keep posting, you have the mn army marching alongside you.

[bluestar2]

Well done op for holding everything together. Him moving out it right thing. I'm sure I we the next while your brain will find many questions abt things that he said has happened. Write them down and if you want to ask then do when your ready.
Are you telling dcs yet? Glad you have found some clarity though its of course not what you want to hear.

[something2say]

Hello, glad to hear from you but sorry to hear the content.

Your husband seems like a very weak person, lying and cheating for so long, and running up debts. You are going to be better off away from him I reckon, but what a shock it must be for now. And he said it was a drunken shag in a club? What a liar. I think that's the worst bit isn't it, when you realise you have been duped.

I hope you are as ok as can be expected and have plenty of support in the coming months. X

[OctopusPete8]

15 months? the one most recent one? Oh dear, well at least u know now, you can have been lead right down the garden path.

try and relax must be so tough.

big hugs xx

[littlemog]

Oh gosh OP that is dreadful. Look after yourself and take time to process what this shit has done to you and your family. And remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I could not even contemplate a further relationship with such a lowlife but you have to make your own decisions. Be wise and kind to yourself.

[mummytime]

CAB can help with advice re:tax credits and council tax and any benefits. Make sure you know of all bank accounts, insurance, credit cards, mortgages etc. start looking for a good lawyer and getting your and his financial affairs separated. Talk to your bank/ mortgage company.

If you can't eat then can you drink milk shakes? Slim fast or ensure (?) might help.
Talk to your doctor too, they maybe able to give specific advice to help you recover from the OP.

[something2say]

I wonder as well if a freeze ought to be placed on joint credit cards, if that is something he has racked up? Is it possible to get him to agree to foot the debts that he ran up, even though you are married? He may be willing, at this guilty juncture, to sign something agreeing that he ran them up - he pays them, even though you are married?

I always have the urge to get out across the fields by myself at times like these. A house doesn't seem big enough to cope with the feelings that times like this bring up. I seem to get out in the big space and look at the sky and the trees and think about what has happened, and make my peace with it.

You sound like such a lovely lady, and it read to me that you thought things were really good between you. You spoke of him as your friend and as though you were a team, and it really bothers me that he has treated that team so badly, when it probably could have been the making of everyone.

Therefore a spell of time by yourself thinking it through may be in order, to realign the reality with what you thought was reality. And then some seriously practical decisions.

I help many women to leave marriages, with all sorts of desperate conditions attached. The main thing first of all is your safety and security, which includes somewhere safe to live where he cannot access. It is important not to let him into the home as well.

From there it is about your health, including emotional health. Get support and don't be alone. It doesn't matter where the support comes from - here, telephone through work, paying for it, friends and family. If people are not supportive, put them on ice for 6 months, or at least (in the case of your mother) manage them so that they do not become what you don't want them to become ie a drain on you, when you actually need the support yourself. Try to eat and sleep where possible, and do what you know to be right at this difficult time. You sound like a lovely decent woman so may not need to be reminded about this, but just in case.

Also consider your financial and legal position. It is better to be absolutely ruthless here, and to find out the bottom line, so that you know what you are dealing with. You cannot build a solid foundation on what is not solid. I have seen many a woman get scared at this point, but its all sortable - a place to live, money, child support, paying off debts. These things become normal once the shock has worn off. Plus you are living away from the issue itself, ie the man you know is not what you thought, so slowly things do get better.

And lastly, a social life and friends - maybe the last thing on your mind now, but there is life after this, and in time you will enjoy it again.

Take good care xxx

[ImperialBlether]

I am so sorry. I'm glad he's leaving to give you some space.

When I found out something similar I felt as though I didn't know my own history - when I looked back I couldn't work out what was true and what was false.

I don't think he can understand the damage that's been done. It's all-encompassing.

Do you think he's been seeing someone very recently/now?

[Angelfootprints]

Im so sorry op I cannot imagine what your feeling.

[LifeIsSoDifferent]

So sorry more has come out op.