Husband admitted one night stand

[Purplefi]

I was admitted to a&e and had surgery for a condition with 75% cause as an sti. I said well that's not my cause, I've been with husband 15 years married for 10. We have 2 children.

Home from hospital kept thinking. Asked husband outright had he been unfaithful. He said no several times.

5 days later he stepped out the shower and told me he'd slept with someone. Had a one night stand. 6 months ago. Drunk at a nightclub. He rarely goes out drinking and clubbing. Once or twice a year with work.

He also told me he's got addicted to watching porn. Thought what he had wasnt enough, then had a one night stand and realised what he had was.

Oh and he got into debt 2 years ago. business failed. Didn't tell me, buried head in sand and now what he owes is tripled and owes over 10 grand.

I'm devastated, always felt we were a good team, friends, partners etc. It seems so out of character for him. I can see how past couple of years we have made less of an effort with each other. He started job with massive daily commute. separated our lives. But there would have been better ways to deal with it.

I could have worked through the debt, the porn, but I always thought infidelity was a breaker for me. plus all the lying makes me uneasy. Now I'm faced with it I don't know.

If I hadn't have got ill, I'm not sure he would have admitted it. Since the admittance he's looked up counselling, sti clinics, stopped the porn, looked into sorting the debt to stop it mounting up more, arranged the children to go to his parents so I have recovery time physically and mentally. basically made the effort that had gone.

I'm confused and upset, its only the third day after finding out. Do we split or stay and try and rebuild our relationship. He's been selfish, immature and passive. Currently it seems like a wake up call but can he really change. I still love him but hate him too. He apparently loves me still. Yes I know, if he loved me why sleep with someone else, with no respect or thought for me.

Sorry so long, but my head and heart are all over the place.

[Purplefi]

I'm due one now, 3 years since last. Not sure relevance?

The problem I had was a higher pelvic problem. Apparently unrelated to my cervix.

[Purplefi]

Thanks fairienuff

Thats where I'm at right now. problems in marriage - yes. sleep around to solve them - no.

and the lies.... even when directly questioned.

[Mixxy]

Well it would rule out certain complications from the remaining STIs on the table. Develolment had a time frame. If your last PAP and STI check were clear...

You seem like you want to work it out with him. What do you want him to do?

[Iamnormalish]

Gosh how awful for you.

Sadly I think there is more behind this than a 1 night stand.

OK we all know it can only take once to get an STI but its also damn unlucky. Also, you only have to read on here how cheaters (no matter how prolific or it was just the once) minimise their actions.

I suspect if he is into porn he could as easily be into local meet for a shag sites too. These mean you simply meet up to do the deed so not much spare time needed for wining and dining - chat and the pre doing it banter takes place on line before even meeting. I have friends who H's have partaken in this kind of thing - really otherwise nice and decent men who are family types and doting and hardly any spare time to have an affair - but time enough for the odd half hour - 2 hours here and there for a random shag.

Obviously - only your H knows where he has been and how many times. He could be telling the truth but the cynic makes me doubt this. He may have had more than one other partner or maybe an affair or maybe a night night stand or maybe something as seedy and similar to what I have put above.

Sadly, the lack of respect the risks he has taken on your health would make this unforgiveable for me. Maybe because I am on the outside I can be clinical at the way I look at this but I just see this situation (so similar to a good friend of mine) and think- if he chose to have sex with someone else (forgetting the obvious moral issue) that was a risk on his health he chose to take. He knew in his mind that by shagging someone else there was a risk of an STI (the same anyone risks when having sex with someone for the 1st time). To then come home and have sex with you, without giving you the knowledge to make choices about your own sexual health is just so wrong. That is just as disrespectful as the moral and infidelity issue.

He as all cheaters - has been a selfish shit.

I really dont think I could forgive someone with so little respect for me. I suppose you now need to establish if this is forgiveable for you and whether his apologies and regret are genuine to the core of what he has actually done or down to the fact he has been caught out because there is the difference between the 2.

[Fairenuff]

He doesn't have much time away apart from a genuine commute, over 2 hours each way, daily

But he has a lunch break, right? And could knock off early sometimes. Or even take the odd afternoon off. Where there's a will there's a way.

Also he either has an addiction to porn or has stopped looking at it these last few days. He can't have both. If he was addicted he would need professional counselling to help him stop.

What he means is, he likes looking at porn, very frequently, and is happy to pay for it. He calls in an 'addiction' because then it sounds like it's not his fault or his choice. Bull.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm so sorry for you - it must have been a body blow.

Just to say that my ex was having an affair with someone from work who was also married. He very rarely went out in the evenings or out at weekends. Most of their affair was conducted at work and immediately after work.

In my experience, people admit the very minimum in the hope the true level will never be accepted. I'm really sorry, but I would push harder to find out if anything else has gone on.

[Purplefi]

Thanks iamnormalish.

That's exactly where I'm at with my thinking. Can I, should I and do I want to see beyond it to rebuild a relationship.

Had I read this about someone else before it actually happened to me. I would have said, split the only option. Now I'm in it, with emotions. 15 years of relationship and memories. 2 children. I'm confused

[OctopusPete8]

I know you all have the right motivations and want to warn the OP.
I think maybe saying your husband has obvs been having hookers,hook up sites, dogging,swinging god knows could be a little over frightening,

She needs to process the info she already has.

[Purplefi]

Thanks imperialblether.
That is a concern. He works so far away and it does seem like a separate world.

[Iamnormalish]

Yes its much easier when its not you to look at a situation and think " thats it game over and I am walking away" but having s een a close friend go through something pretty similar I do have some perception of how complicated it becomes when emotions are involved. Its not so black and white.

I suppose you need to think about what you would hope your future relationship would be like if you can work through this and if you will always wonder what actually is behind this infection. Will he ever be honest about exactly how, where and why this happend or will you still be mulling it over (probably in a numbed down state) in 5/10 years time - always wondering if it was "just" a ONS or something else.

[ownbrand]

Sorry this has happened , its a terrible shock . Ive got my own thread about something similar that happened nearly two years ago . Expect to be in a state of shock for a while , it takes time to be able to think clearly .

I would want to know more about this Ons . Where did it occur ? Did the people he was out with know about it ? I would assume at this point he is telling you the bare minimum as there is a lot he has kept from you .

Do you have access to his emails , facebook , phone ect ? If you dont have access , dont ask for it as he will delete anything incriminating .

[OctopusPete8]

I hope you come back OP.

[Purplefi]

Thanks ownbrand. It was such a shock. I will have a search for your thread. I think I'm expecting to know what to do and think clearly now when really I'm an emotional mess.

Hope your fairing better now 2 years on?

[Purplefi]

I'm so glad I posted and also not! You wise people. Thank you for everybody's replies.

You were right. Of course there is more to it. He's at work, I texted told him I didn't believe I had all the information and then he phoned during his lunch break. I have more info now, pieces of it atm. It was more than a drunken one night stand.

I've told him when he returns tonight from work I need it all, any more lying and that's it permanently.

I was going to try and work through it but he is going to have to move out while we sort the mess out and I find clarity for the future one way or another. But I need and want answers and information first.

I'm so sad, and so shocked, at how gullible and stupid I've been. Plus scared, how do you physically move out and have a new life at nearly 40, with little support, 2 children and no career and no money. How very stupid of me to be so trusting.

[something2say]

Oh purple fi I'm so sorry. What a terrible shock. I was hoping there wouldn't have been anymore, and was about to post that, and then I read your last post.

Shit.

But listen you were not stupid in any way. He has been. That's the mess that has to be cleared up. His mess.

Do you have friends you can at least call on the phone? Someone to take the kids?

[Purplefi]

Thanks something2say

The children are currently at his mothers, which was arranged for recovery after my operation. Probably organised out of guilt, before the lies started to untangle.

I've arranged to see a friend tomorrow, but somehow telling someone everything in real life seems too painful atm. Although it will become obvious when he/we move out. But I know she will offer some caring and support.

I don't have a particularly supportive family. They think they are, and financially they would, but my emotional relationship with my parents has in itself always been dysfunctional. My mum doesn't support well, she will interfere, be nosey. Gets very anxious and over involved in everything. All keeping up appearances.

I know he was stupid, but I feel stupid too. I gave up my career to become a SAHM which I love and wanted to do. I felt so sure of our relationship I trusted that it didn't matter, that I was dependant financially on him. I thought we were going to grow old and grey together, walking along hand in hand. How romantic and naive.

[Doha]

Yes he has to move out. Have your talk. Tell him he has once chance and only one chance to tell you everything if there is any hope that you might consider to stay in this relationship...and stress might consider--promise nothing and yes he has to leave for however long it takes.
If he fails to tell you something and you find out information after tonight. It will be the end-no second chance straight to divorce.
Keep strong you will get through this

[OctopusPete8]

Oh dear, what was the other info sorry to be nosey...

Yes I would deffo say clear your own head first, you need to look after yourself, v, easy to get sucked into a pity party.

stay strong!

[IslaValargeone]

So sorry to read this.
I think you are definitely doing the right thing getting him to move out while you give yourself time and space to think about things.
I don't think it's appropriate to say what any of us would do in your situation with regard to rebuilding or not.
The only thing I would say is, don't let the fact that you are nearly 40 and would have to start again frighten you into making a wrong decision. You may live until you are 100, don't waste 60 just because you have invested 15.You have to decide how those 60 years are going to be, with him or without him, but definitely in control of them.
Wishing you well.

[something2say]

Is he home yet Purple?

Also, re your mother, it seems you may have to support her while she comes to terms with what is happening in your life.....a joke in itself doing that, so could you postpone it for a while?

I'm so very sorry.

But look, plenty of women manage this, you'll be fine in time.

It's just the now bit isn't it.

[Fairenuff]

Just take it one step at a time. Keep posting for support. You don't have to make any decisions until you are ready.

[Purplefi]

Thank you for the kind words, and honesty.

IslaValargeone - your right i am frightened of starting again, I need to not let that cloud my judgement. I'm hoping time will help. I'm still raw, feeling very emotional atm

something2say - no he won't be home for a couple of hours yet, after 8, that's his normal commute. It is the now bit, scary, lonely, thinking about stuff you never thought you'd have to.
Thanks for reassurance I do need to remember plenty of women have done this before, time will help hopefully.

I know I haven't posted often before, and I've mainly lurked. But I'm so grateful to everyone for their help and guidance today. I wasn't ready to face my real life friends with it yet, like admitting makes it real and I didn't want it to be real. It's still raw, still feels like a bad dream, waiting for time to re wind and all be ok again. It's slowly sunk in today what's happening and what's ahead of me now.

[Angelfootprints]

I really feel for you- what a horrible time you have had.

What you need more than right now is the full truth from him tonight and then lots and lots of space while you gather your thoughts on this.

You must be hurting so much :(

[Angelfootprints]

When you say you have more pieces of information what are they?

[Fairenuff]

Put the kettle on and sit down with a cuppa and a pad. Make a list of things you want to speak with him about, so that you don't forget in the heat of the moment. We can help with that if you like.

Maybe make another list of reminders to yourself like, I am in control, I will not accept any blame, I will not be derailed by him bringing up other issues, I have done nothing wrong, I deserve some answers, etc.

Have you been able to eat anything? Could you manage a piece of toast or something?