Ive got myself in a right situation.

[Shitwhatnowagain]

Im not sure whether I can press send on this. Theres so many details that could identify me. Im going to have to be really careful as I know several people RL on here.

Ok here I go.

I have two children, a toddler and infant school age child. Their father is a nice person. Hes a brilliant dad (this will be thrown right back at me, I can see it coming) but he is terrible, just terrible at relationships.

I met him when I was 17 and he was 30 (some 15 years ago). We have been on and off all those years. Hes never 100% committed to me in all those years. I have come to realise recently that Im in my 30's and Ive never had a normal relationship and I dont think I know what one feels like.

We havent had sex since our youngest was made. So a few years, we are not together. I live alone with my children. He is a free spirit where ever he lays his hat thats his home. He works hard and pays taxes but he doesnt officially live anywhere.

Let me really get this across, he does not and never has, lived with us. He stays the night 2-3 times a week comes for tea 4 nights a week. He has no post come here, has no belongings that are here, no clothes nothing.

But he comes here often to see his children.

Ive been deeply unhappy with this situation for the last year. I feel as though I cannot move on, have space, time away from him, be a 'single' person. Ive begged and pleaded him to see the kids every other weekend (as opposed to every weekend), Ive told him I want to be 'properly single' that I want us to really, really divide. I dont want him ever staying round any nights at all or coming for tea.

But I think he always thinks I say it when Im in a bad mood or something because he ignores it. Assumes the next day is a fresh day, my mood is over and he'll continue as normal. Im too tired to fight again. But it comes again every few weeks. Always it gets ignored.

Heres where it gets really, really messy.
My landlady works directly next door to my (her) house. She is an evil, awful woman, reknowend in this tiny village for being awful and Ive got on the wrong side of her (I had a very serious problems with my electrics, she sent an electrician round who found no problem (?!) so she sent me the bill for the work. I refused to pay, saw citizens advice and told her I sought legal advice). She reported me to the DWP for benefit fraud. Said my childrens father lived with me.
Im guessing she thinks he does, after all if she finishes work at 6pm each night she will drive past see his car here four nights a week and think he is 'coming home' from work, she doesnt know hes here for an hour. Comes, eats my food, puts kids to bed and leaves.

So I get an interview with fraud. Takes a while. Long and short of it, they dont give a shit what my situation is, or what I say. They dont believe he doesnt live there, I will be prosecuted "or we can end is right now, you can stop your income support claim if you tell me xxxx is living with you."

I refused. No way was I going to say he was living with me when he wasnt! I called Shelter and got advice, but the long and short of it is, I move my ex boyfriend in and tie finances or face prosecution.

After lots if tears and panic, I call up, stop my I.S claim and tell housing benefit that someone is moving in with me.

That was 2 months ago and Im so depressed. Im stuck 'living' with my ex. Im angry and resentful all the time, its not healthy for the children.

What the HELL can I do? I cant tell him to move out, and claim HB again because they will investigate and prosecute.

I have 2 choices - either save 2.5k and move house and start again, not let ex anywhere near the house and refuse him see the kids unless he rents a room and takes them there.

Or get a job (which will be easier said than done, Im caring for a toddler who gets higher rate DLA and the system considers me his career, he cant go into usual childcare because his very serious health issues,but hopefully will get better with that in the next few years) and find the rest of the rent that way.

Either way, Im stuck, my children and I are stuck my ex is stuck, we are all STUCK 'living' together, tied finances for at LEAST 1-2 years.

Im utterly depressed. Literally, on anti depressants because of this.

What the actually fuckering fuck do I do?

(I didnt hang up on a human being but a recording)

That seems the most sensible option.
Regarding a license agreement, no it's just a contract (one page) signed by both of them to say he lives in the caravan (or spare room or whatever) and pays £x rent. It will have something in about notice periods (72 hours I think) and that's it.
Of course you should only do it if it's accurate, ie if he really was staying in the caravan, regardless of whether he actually paid rent.

Im googling but nothing is coming up about license to live in a caravan.

Actually, I wonder if Shelter would know??

Been on the phone to Shelter. Omg im beaming.

First of all, they said get it writing from DWP that the case is closed so they cant drag it up when I restart my claim.

Second of all, because my ex is on low income despite working full time and hes older (not old) hes entitled to a one bedroom flat with help (HB)

This means several things, I can be FREE of him, he can have the kids at HIS! I can have FREEDOM!!

Im literally welling up im so pleased there is light at the end of the tunnel. im absolutely beside myself with this.

Ok so its going to take a few months to sort out 2 or 3 but Im more than happy to get through them now I know it isnt forever.

Thank God and thank YOU all so, so much. Thanks for your advice, for the push and for the support you have no idea how much you have helped.

This will literally change our lives.

Thank you.

That is fantastic news. Well done.

But please bear in mind that if your ex does not agree to leave you alone and sort out his own housing and see the dc there then it IS harassment and domestic violence including harassment so please don't feel bad about ringing women's aid. They really will help and talk you through the options.

Good luck x

Yes its slowly dawning on me that he has to actually agree to do this.

I hope the persuading factor will be that it will be more affordable to live alone than it will be paying the rent on this place with food and bills on too of us not getting along.

To be honest the last few weeks have been awful, Ive been getting more depressed not getting on with him at all. He hates the situation as much as me, so I just hope he takes advantage of being able to live somewhere safe.

Its that or stop him seeing the kids (mean) until he gets somewhere sorted. I dont think it will come to that because he utterly adores his children can barely go a day without seeing them so for me to stop it until he finds somewhere has got to be motivation.

I will talk to him tonight and just hope he agrees to it.

You've made massive steps towards change though OP...HUGE ones. You won't feel so down soon because you won't be powerless anymore. Half of the problem has been down to not knowing your rights....and the other half down to your ex.

Hello Im back. I'm ashamed to be so.

I thought I was strong enough to sort myself out in the first place by clearly I Am not. Fuck you capital A watch me burn.

So this is still anon and I still called Woman's Aid and she was still amazing.

She said it was pm when I crumbled. She said it was ok when I said I didn't think I could keep my shit together.

She said IT WASN'T MY FAULT

When he he had had said it was 100 times

She said dont listen when I leave him and he guilt trips me.

He's already got his female BFF to text. To guilt me

You can do it.

You can.

Another adding a voice to the you can do this cheering squad.

You can be free of him,what he does is his choice, not yours, but you, you can make a happy home for your family and have your freedom.

Sorry about the mish mash hard to understand message above. I'd had wine last night, it's what lifted the lid on everything.

I did something terrible yesterday. Really awful.

I threw a chair at him.

I'm not a violent person, please hear me. I don't condone violence against women and I do not condone it against men. It's always wrong.

I didn't hurt him, I actually wasn't intending to. I just wanted to throw it. I was just so angry.

Since I started this thread, when it was mentioned that he controlled me and I denied it, I've not stopped thinking about it. And the more I thought about it, the more situations were arising in my head, examples of his control.

For example, I passed my driving test last year. But this meant for 14 years I was sometimes reliant on him. My brother was getting married and we were supposed to go (it was 2 hours drive away) but he did what he always does when he knows Im relying on him for something, he would start an argument about nothing then pull out the "That's IT you can find your OWN way there"

I did too, on the train.

If he knows I have to rely on him for anything, he will remind of it. Or just not do it. To exert his power over me.

I asked him for a lift to town once, he said only if he can do me up the arse.

His words.

I've begged and pleaded him to leave, to finish it yet he won't go.

He has never 100% committed to me. He has never 100% left me.

Leaving me would mean I could move on.

I did manage to get out of it once, I started seeing someone, he destroyed that and charmed his way back in with me.

I know it's wrong to throw things, to shout and scream but I couldn't keep it in any longer. I told him. I screamed it at him, I hate him, he controls me, if he thinks he is losing me he turns on the charm and he's got me again. No more, I have him the phone number for the rent deposit scheme, I told him where to go to look for flats I told him I would change the locks if I needed to.

We had a minor argument last week when I asked him to leave. His response to that was "I pay 2/3 of the rent now. You never tell me when to fucking leave."

I told him yesterday though.

You know what bothers me most out of all this, more than him wasting all those years of my life (I was 17 when we met, he was 30), more than not leaving when I've begged him, what bothers me the most is the thought of one of my (our) sons doing this to a woman when they are older. I will do everything in my power to not have them repeat history.

You ARE strong enough to follow this through.