Ive got myself in a right situation.

[Shitwhatnowagain]

Im not sure whether I can press send on this. Theres so many details that could identify me. Im going to have to be really careful as I know several people RL on here.

Ok here I go.

I have two children, a toddler and infant school age child. Their father is a nice person. Hes a brilliant dad (this will be thrown right back at me, I can see it coming) but he is terrible, just terrible at relationships.

I met him when I was 17 and he was 30 (some 15 years ago). We have been on and off all those years. Hes never 100% committed to me in all those years. I have come to realise recently that Im in my 30's and Ive never had a normal relationship and I dont think I know what one feels like.

We havent had sex since our youngest was made. So a few years, we are not together. I live alone with my children. He is a free spirit where ever he lays his hat thats his home. He works hard and pays taxes but he doesnt officially live anywhere.

Let me really get this across, he does not and never has, lived with us. He stays the night 2-3 times a week comes for tea 4 nights a week. He has no post come here, has no belongings that are here, no clothes nothing.

But he comes here often to see his children.

Ive been deeply unhappy with this situation for the last year. I feel as though I cannot move on, have space, time away from him, be a 'single' person. Ive begged and pleaded him to see the kids every other weekend (as opposed to every weekend), Ive told him I want to be 'properly single' that I want us to really, really divide. I dont want him ever staying round any nights at all or coming for tea.

But I think he always thinks I say it when Im in a bad mood or something because he ignores it. Assumes the next day is a fresh day, my mood is over and he'll continue as normal. Im too tired to fight again. But it comes again every few weeks. Always it gets ignored.

Heres where it gets really, really messy.
My landlady works directly next door to my (her) house. She is an evil, awful woman, reknowend in this tiny village for being awful and Ive got on the wrong side of her (I had a very serious problems with my electrics, she sent an electrician round who found no problem (?!) so she sent me the bill for the work. I refused to pay, saw citizens advice and told her I sought legal advice). She reported me to the DWP for benefit fraud. Said my childrens father lived with me.
Im guessing she thinks he does, after all if she finishes work at 6pm each night she will drive past see his car here four nights a week and think he is 'coming home' from work, she doesnt know hes here for an hour. Comes, eats my food, puts kids to bed and leaves.

So I get an interview with fraud. Takes a while. Long and short of it, they dont give a shit what my situation is, or what I say. They dont believe he doesnt live there, I will be prosecuted "or we can end is right now, you can stop your income support claim if you tell me xxxx is living with you."

I refused. No way was I going to say he was living with me when he wasnt! I called Shelter and got advice, but the long and short of it is, I move my ex boyfriend in and tie finances or face prosecution.

After lots if tears and panic, I call up, stop my I.S claim and tell housing benefit that someone is moving in with me.

That was 2 months ago and Im so depressed. Im stuck 'living' with my ex. Im angry and resentful all the time, its not healthy for the children.

What the HELL can I do? I cant tell him to move out, and claim HB again because they will investigate and prosecute.

I have 2 choices - either save 2.5k and move house and start again, not let ex anywhere near the house and refuse him see the kids unless he rents a room and takes them there.

Or get a job (which will be easier said than done, Im caring for a toddler who gets higher rate DLA and the system considers me his career, he cant go into usual childcare because his very serious health issues,but hopefully will get better with that in the next few years) and find the rest of the rent that way.

Either way, Im stuck, my children and I are stuck my ex is stuck, we are all STUCK 'living' together, tied finances for at LEAST 1-2 years.

Im utterly depressed. Literally, on anti depressants because of this.

What the actually fuckering fuck do I do?

I looked into this when friend in this same position - there is NOTHING in the legislation about sleepovers - it doesn't mention it at all, so whether it's none one two three or seven nights a week sleepovers - irrelevant. It is all to do with showing whether you share a household - so do you shop, cook together etc, who pays the bills, are you seen by family friends neighbours as a couple living together - all that sort of thing. What helps challenge this is having bills or anything in his name that show he lives elsewhere. Trouble is, often it's pretty grey area - but always always worth arguing (appealing).

Feck I think if OP could show all bills in her own name then that would help...ARE they all in your name OP?

What was your financial arrangement with him?

What neo said. This is completely sortable. Either sort it out or don't. But don't sit there with some oaf on your sofa while you can't access the money you're entitled to and pretend its all hopeless and there's nothing you can do.

All bills are in my name, none are in his, none of his bills come here.

I said this to the interviewer again and again, he said he made no difference, he said it looks like he is part of the family and no different from a father who 'works away'.

where does he sleep when not with you?

McBalls he would give me some cash each month or buy the kids shoes/nappies etc if I needed them. No input to bills or food etc.

Chubfuddler Im not in AIBU.

But the point is from now on he will not be spending three nights a week on your sofa. The only adult who will be staying the night will be you.

Forget about what happened before. Get on with sorting it out.

Ninah one of several places. His best friends sofa, his other friends sofa, or a caravan on his friends land.

I know you're not in AIBU. I keep it hidden. I haven't told you you're being unreasonable.

I'm actually trying to help you, but I shan't bother any further.

I was wondering if you could get supporting statements. Chub I imagine op is worrying not so much about a new claim as about prosecution retrospectively if she decides to open one, which it sounds like she's been threatened with - is that right op? (can't call you shit)

I dont feel as though you are helping me, I feel as though you are attacking me and accusing me.

You know what, I may have lost my balls. But Im my fucking knees here. I hate every single aspect of my life, apart from my children, I have no life, never see my friends, I cant work because of my youngests health, Im stuck in a horrific non relationship and have been for 15 years. Im suffering with depression because of all of this shit, so Im sorry if Im struggling to 'woman up' and 'get of my sofa and (apparently) just sort it' because from my point of view, its not that bastard simple.

ninah yes. Thats exactly what Im worried about.

I am failing to see how op could be prosecuted for her previous claim now or if she opens a new one as she has not been prosecuted by now. As far as they are concerned she was living with her partner, she admitted it (in their eyes), it's all moved on.

So if she NOW splits up with him and opens a new claim how could they prosecute for the old one?!

They have shot themselves in the foot by not doing it before at the time.

Now it would just appear to be a legitimate new split of a relationship which happens all the time.

He must be living somewhere. Where is he living the nights he didn't stay at your house. And have an address to which payslips are sent. I think you have to decide whether you are a couple or not. That would be the first step. You say it's been on and off for years. Don't let him stay overnight and don't make his meals.

shit and yet you say the relationship IS NOT abusive ....I am sorry but everything you're saying points to the fact that it IS! He is controlling you!

WE ARE NOT A COUPLE!!!!!!!!!

You're depressed, you feel powerless...you're being abused....not physically but in other ways. You're scared to tell him not to come anymore.

I NEVER said you were a COUPLE! I said you were being abused...and the "relationship" is abusive. It doesn't have to be a "couple" type relationship....but you interact so it's an abusive relationship...in that he's the Father of your DC and he won't fuck off out of your house!

Would women's aid be worth a ring tomorrow?

They might even be able to get someone to speak for you to the benefits people on your behalf which would strengthen your claim.

Fairylea Yes...they would help....OP will you call Women's Aid? Tell them everything. You don't need to worry about them they;re on your side.

I feel as though I cannot move on, have space, time away from him, be single

he'll continue as normal. Im too tired to fight again. But it comes again every few weeks. Always it gets ignored.

I hate every single aspect of my life,

I'm suffering with depression

tied finances for at LEAST 1-2 years. (don't understand this one) but most of the things you say above all point to an abusive relationship given the context.

can you take advice on this? even sound out benefits office to say you are asking him to leave and see what you are told?
I get that with a dc with health issues it's not been easy. Maybe if you draw up formal access times you can show in future?
It can't be great having the current relationship with landlady either. You must feel permanently stressed.

So your boyfriend is 45 and living with you now. You don't want him to live with you (from what I am reading) but you feel pressured into this because otherwise you would have your benefits suspended.

You are what, 33 now? Could you not get a job? Living on benefits has a cost in terms of what the benefits people think and how intrusive they are. Why have you not worked? Can you not find a way back through education and training to financial independence?

wuldric read the thread
she's a carer for one of her dc