DH won't agree to 2nd child, Im devastated.

[LUCKYLOSER]

We have DS 7. We had a terrible time after he was born PND, DH depressed, lots of other stuff going on at the same time and it hit us both hard. It took me three years to get back to myself. We both agreed no more, not for us. We love our DS to bits but no more.

However in January I had a total change of heart. I spoke to DH and he totally flipped, didn't understand how I could change my mind, thought it was a phase etc. We both agreed to think on it. Four months later he told me he'd told someone "never say never" on the subject of having more kids. I was surprised but held hope that he might change his mind, we agreed that we would discuss it at a later date.

In January i'd hoped we would have sorted this by August as I turn 35 this month. I'd hoped we'd be TTC, a stretch but I hoped!! personally I don't wish to leave it any later so I really feel its now or never.

With this personal deadline in mind we had a chat about it. DH was a lot calmer about it and still says no. His reasons are that the sleepless nights are a killer, back to square one, possible damage to our relationship, delaying getting back to normal so we can have 'our' time together, go out more etc. concern for me physically and mentally.

I know if I put my foot down he would go with it, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to celebrate my birthday its just too depressing and upsetting. DH just asked if I would go to a works xmas party in dec and my thought was I should be 4 months or so pregnant. Only I wont be, but I know it will be on my mind.

SO...what do I do. Deal with a big fat no and sob everytime I see a baby and flush my dreams away and hope I don't resent or hate him.

bully him into having one and hope it all pans out happily...

by the way it you say to deal with it please tell me HOW!

THANK you if you read this far.

I can only give you the other perspective on it. I had severe PND after my son. He is 2 now and while I am doing so much better I am not completely off medication and need to work on remaining happy and balanced.
I do not want another child, the mere thought of risking a similar hellish time makes me feel sick. My DH didn't cope very well with my depression and ended up depressed himself.
It's only in recent months our lives have started to feel normal again.
However, he would like another baby. Every so often he mentions about having "another one" and I tell him straight that there will not be another one.
I don't think our marriage would survive anothe child. And my marriage is what's important here, I want my DS growing up in a happy home with happy parents.

You simply cannot bully someone into having another child. Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine your husband forcing the issue when you don't want it to happen.
I understand how you must feel but unfortunately when it come to a decision like this, the no vote wins.

What are your reasons for wanting another?

I have seen both sides, I WAS the one with PND, 3 years and beyond. I agreed with him for 7 years having been through that. Now I HAVE seen the other side of it and HE does not.

There is no proof I would have PND again, I would keep in close contact with gp with regards to this as I do not wish to repeat history.

I would love my DS to have a sibling, I wish to experience motherhood and ENJOY it and remember it. PND destroys any chance of that, as Im sure you know. Things are very settled at the mo, no house moves, parent fall outs, job changes, weddings. Things are VERY different now as am I.

I do not wish to bully him, I have explained how I feel. I always wanted three kids, dh 2 or 3. I wanted a house full of coming and goings, big family Christmas, grandkids the works. I want my ds to have someone once we are gone cos once we have there will be no one. the love I feel for my son is overwhelming and I think How could I NOT want another? My ds is amazing and makes my laugh is my best mate and I love watching him grow up. I want to do it again, is that so unreasonable?

Things are great right now and this makes me want it all the more. I KNOW, No trumps the yes and Ive always stood by that and DH knows that.

I do wish to add that for the last 7 months we have been using the withdrawal method as dh refuses to use condoms, so that's messed with my head too. He cant be THAT agaist it! And yes I have explained how silly he is being but he thinks its low risk...

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting another, but maybe after 7 years your husband is thinking the same, things are great right now so why rock the boat.
I can see both sides, don't get me wrong. I'm just trying to place myself in your husband's shoes and see his reasoning too.
Would he consider couples counselling? You might be able to thrash things out better with a counsellor, somebody neutral?

Siblings dont always get on!

Me and my sister are not close at all and there is only 3 years between us.

His concerns would be my concerns in his situation too.

My DW wants another and I've said no. I always told her I would only have one as initially I didn't want any. She agreed to this as she said being with me was more important but now she is changing the goalposts and I am the big bad guy in both her and her parents eyes.

As I told her this within 6 weeks of meeting, she should have move on if she wanted a bigger family.

The withdrawal method is not a reliable form of contraception. If you carry on doing this, you will probably end up pregnant at some point. You need to sit him down and tell him this. If he is so against having another child he needs to do something about contraception.

I don't know what to suggest but the current method of contraception is very risky! If for health reasons you don't want to be on the Pill and for comfort he won't use condoms, maybe if he is adamant about no more children he'll consider a vasectomy?

The withdrawal method is pretty much useless so if he refuses to change that then you'll probably end up pregnant anyway.

I had PND after DD was born. Plus she was a rubbish sleeper so I could barely function at all with the tiredness.

My take on having a sibling for her was that we should do it sooner rather than later so we could get it over with and never have to do the newborn bit again.

DS was born when DD was 19 months. I didn't get PND badly that time and the whole experience was far easier, even though I had a toddler to deal with as well.

I think it's far harder with your first. The second is much less overwhelming. If your life is more settled generally, I think you'd stand a good chance of having a much easier experience.

I don't think it's her you need to convince!

You need to have a serious talk about your use of contraception.

What about in my case? Even though this was clearly spelled out at the start of the relationship and my
DW was given the option to walk away if she wanted a
Big family? I kept my part of the deal in having one. Should she not do the same?

I thin it's unreasonable for anyone to make a firm commitment to how many children they want before they have even started.

You can say "I want no children" or "I want at least one child" is sensible, but beyond that you can only guess, not promise. Have one, see how it goes is the only sensible approach.

I am sorry for anyone who finds themselves in this position.

Sometimes some people do genuinely change their minds. Sometimes some people agree to something to avoid rocking a boat but secretly assume you will change your mind or they will be able to persuade you to change your mind.

Unfortunately love is very often conditional on whether you provide the requisite number of children required and if you aren't prepared to budge, you get jettisoned to find someone else who will.

Problem with me is I have seen how its gone and it just backed up what I already felt. I am 43, it's hard work and I don't want anymore. I knew I would feel like this. What can you do? Should she leave me as she is 36 and still has time?

Re: deal with it. You have a few options.

1. Keep talking and hope he changes his mind. He sounds pretty adamant and like he feels you've moved the goal posts, so I wouldn't count on this.
2. Keep using the withdrawal method and you might get pregnant anyway.
3. Go to couples counselling and try to thrash this out with a neutral person present.
4. Be grateful for what you have and realise that for the sake of your relationship you have to accept and respect your DH's POV. If your life is in a happy and settled phase after many years of difficulty it's hard to argue that it's a good idea to throw a bomb into the middle of it, which a new baby and another bout of PND would do. Do you think your relationship would survive if history repeated itself and you had a re-run of what happened the first time?

P.S. If you do have a second and history does repeat itself, would your DH blame you, since you're the one who's pushed so hard for a second? Just a thought.

Have you discussed what you would do if you became pregnant? Would he expect to terminate the pregnancy?

I think you should at least discuss this.Also consider that you may both change your minds, I have a DC same age and would say I have felt broody, perhaps its a stage for you as well.I'm working on the basis that my broody feelings may end.I regret not having another child after ds but it wasn't too be and I will just have to go on with my life and accept what I do have.

I don't think you can have a child if one partner doesn't agree as its bound to impact the relationship which in turn impacts the child.

Would you consider adopting, perhaps an older child?

I know what you are saying. I feel bad about the way I feel but I can't help it. I don't enjoy the loss of independence, I dont like the endless tantrums, the lack of sleep and the fact that life is just bloody hard work with kids.

I am not close to my sister so dont have that must have a sibling feeling. I am mid 40's too and the thought of having to financially support another child until I am 65 is frightening. I am In a stressful job that I hate but need to do to support the family and working until I am 65 is not something I had planned.

It a mess really! Maybe I should have ended things years ago knowing ago I would end up feeling like this and denying someone what they want.

Anyway OP, sorry for hijacking the thread!

OP i am in same boat here i never felt this desperate need to have a child but didnt want to miss out on the experience and DH and I agreed to try and we now have a wonderful little boy. DH is not keen on another and believes we always agreed to one. I dont think he is wrong in that i always said i wouldnt just have children at any cost and there are a lot of complications from his side (work, health, finances he is also pushing 40 and feels too old) which are putting him off but there is something within me who just doesnt care about any of those things anymore. It is completely selfish of me i know and i hate myself for bringing it up with him as feel like am just piling on the pressure but I am 33 next year i think it is the biological clock time bomb that is making me this way.

I am left in the position where we continue debating it at length to the extent we will for years until it is too late, accept his decision and end up resenting him for the rest of my life or make the decision to leave when everything else is good but give me a chance of meeting someone else which of course may never happen.

Having been crying in my car at lunchtime today over this as am so conflicted i feel your upset but unfortunately have no suggestions for you.

Hi everyone, thanks for your responses. To answer a few questions and points;

Maleview: I know siblings don't always get on, I've not seen nor spoken to mine since I was 16 through no fault of my own. This if anything strengths how I feel. I know there are no guarantees in life but I can only try. Family is important.
As for your wife wanting to start a family...you agreed, yes only to one but perhaps she felt that you would fall head over heels in love with your own child. I suspect your child is only young and I've found the older our ds gets the more my dh adores him. they interact, laugh and have fun doing bloke 'stuff'.
Yes they are hard work (but by god worth it) and you really do sound like your mind is made up and I respect that you know yourself well enough to say no. Why did you agree to have a baby in the first place?? Big question is it because you love you wife, you didn't want to lose her, because when she is happy your happy?...Id be interested to know. I really suspect that there is not much difference between one or two when close in age...anyone wish to comment on that??

As for our contraceptive method, I know, I know!! I told dh he is being a idiot and its risky but the response was that its low risk. I asked what would happen if I fell pg and he said "we'd cope". Hes an adult and he knows what hes doing and if I fell pg then tough! Im not on pill as he knows due to side effects. he totally agrees with and understands this. I did tell him in feb to get snip to which he replied "but its not what you want"....what do I say to that!!

I agree a 2nd would be easier for a whole host of reasons.

moving on up: TOTALLY agree with your posts, thank you.

Figgygal: huge hugs, I understand your pain, I too find myself crying at random moments, its incredibly hard, if only I knew the answer!

I did tell him in feb to get snip to which he replied "but its not what you want"....what do I say to that!!

He has an answer for everything, if he were 100% anti a second child I guess he'd get the snip.

Arguably he is thinking of quality of life for the three of you if you opt for DC2. As he suffered from depression too I can see he would be reluctant to imperil his health too.

Bottom line, he knows that he can still father a child for many years to come whereas you have to take into account reducing fertility and eventual menopause.

In your shoes I would take a look at finances and calculate how to manage solo if another pregnancy happened and he then walked out.

I agreed to one because she didn't have any and I already had one. I have spent my whole life from the age
of 23 having responsibility for children. Having another would take me through to 65. 42 years of having the financial responsibility and hard work that children bring.

You may think this unfair that I already have two and she only one but you can't help the way you feel. The thought of having another 3 years like the three I have just been through doesn't fill me with excitement. I get no sleep, I find the tantrums wear me down and my wife has also turned into everything she said she wouldn't. She has gone from being an exciting individual with aspirations and ambitions to someone who is now happy working 2 days a week and
Spending the week at toddler groups and putting all the responsibility on me to fund this.

Maybe I am just too selfish to see the bigger picture, I just don't know.

Maleview: so you already had a child and KNEW what to expect and still agreed to another even though you knew you didn't want to do it again..? To say I had one, she didn't seams a bit tit for tat, given how strongly you feel. I still don't understand why you agreed to have a 2nd.

I do understand the first three years are hard and I understand the age and finance aspect though.

Are you not proud of your children, do you not feel overwhelming love/connection? I ask this as you don't come across as if you do, do you feel they prevent you from doing what you want and the life you want for yourself?

Your wife has adapted to her life with a child, this is to be expected. I hated those years, thought it was a waste of my life and now I regret not enjoying it and living in the moment, wishing away my life. I was not better than anyone else because I had a big career and had bigger and better things to think/talk about. Be glad your wife is happy with where and who she is now. Are you not proud of your wife being a good mother? Im sure your wife still has aspirations being a mother does not change that.

Your funding your wife to spend time at toddler groups...mmmm do you think its more your funding your family. Your wife takes your child because it benefits your child, helps your wife chat to other mums etc. You just said she works two days a week...what does that go on?

I hope you don't mind my comments/feedback, Im just trying to understand and get you to think a bit outside the box and you did hijack ;-)