DH won't agree to 2nd child, Im devastated.

[LUCKYLOSER]

We have DS 7. We had a terrible time after he was born PND, DH depressed, lots of other stuff going on at the same time and it hit us both hard. It took me three years to get back to myself. We both agreed no more, not for us. We love our DS to bits but no more.

However in January I had a total change of heart. I spoke to DH and he totally flipped, didn't understand how I could change my mind, thought it was a phase etc. We both agreed to think on it. Four months later he told me he'd told someone "never say never" on the subject of having more kids. I was surprised but held hope that he might change his mind, we agreed that we would discuss it at a later date.

In January i'd hoped we would have sorted this by August as I turn 35 this month. I'd hoped we'd be TTC, a stretch but I hoped!! personally I don't wish to leave it any later so I really feel its now or never.

With this personal deadline in mind we had a chat about it. DH was a lot calmer about it and still says no. His reasons are that the sleepless nights are a killer, back to square one, possible damage to our relationship, delaying getting back to normal so we can have 'our' time together, go out more etc. concern for me physically and mentally.

I know if I put my foot down he would go with it, but I don't want to do that. I don't want to celebrate my birthday its just too depressing and upsetting. DH just asked if I would go to a works xmas party in dec and my thought was I should be 4 months or so pregnant. Only I wont be, but I know it will be on my mind.

SO...what do I do. Deal with a big fat no and sob everytime I see a baby and flush my dreams away and hope I don't resent or hate him.

bully him into having one and hope it all pans out happily...

by the way it you say to deal with it please tell me HOW!

THANK you if you read this far.

Lucky - not everyone feels that insatiable desire to parent in the way you do and I'm not sure it's on you questioning Maleview in the way you just have. "Are you not proud of your wife being a good mother?" Not wanting another child does not mean for one moment he is not proud of his wife.

Having children is a CHOICE. One person's choice not to have children is no more valid than one person's choice to have a child. People who don't have children get quizzed a lot as to why they don't. Yet those who do very rarely get asked "why DO you want kids?"

Why should Maleview have to think "a bit outside the box"? His feelings are just as valid's as his wife's.

I still don't understand why you agreed to have a 2nd.

Perhaps because he wanted his wife to be happy, and thought that having a child and her being happy (but him being a bit less happy) would be better overall than not having a child (and him being a little more happy, but her being a lot less happy).

Sometimes we do things that are not what we would absolutely choose for ourselves, because it makes our partners happy, and we judge that the amount of happiness it gives them is worth it.

To play devil's advocate, 7 or 8 years is quite a big age gap. Your DS may find it troublesome adjusting to another child in the home who will require attention and from his viewpoint, actually do very little to gain smiles and instant affection. Just at an age where DS is starting to be a little more independent and is an easy companion, spontaneity goes out of the window and family activities are obliged to consider baby's welfare.

There will also be financial implications. Will you need a bigger house, DS would be at school but can you afford childcare either side of school hours for him and nursery or nanny care for DC2 if you need to work, what if the main breadwinner loses work, can you afford to maintain current lifestyle?

I hadn't thought to ask, is DH around the same age as you? Are his parents both still living, does he worry he might not see the younger child reach 21?

PS maleview70 resentment leads to stress which is a killer - don't fume and feel hard done by, please figure out what options there are and talk honestly to your wife.

Well, I'm a lone voice on this thread, but I have to admit that in your shoes I would push the point and push to have another child. You'd have to be prepared for a possible marriage breakdown though, and really think through how you would cope with that. I have respected DH's wishes not to go for DC4 - however, I am not sure that I could have accepted not having DC2 and DC3.

"my wife has also turned into everything she said she wouldn't. She has gone from being an exciting individual with aspirations and ambitions to someone who is now happy working 2 days a week and
Spending the week at toddler groups and putting all the responsibility on me to fund this."

This^^ is what led me to ask if maleview was proud of his wife, its a fair question given this comment. Imagine how his wife would feel reading this. I totally get that not everyone wants children, maleview knew after his first child he didn't want anymore, and yet went on to have a 2nd and now his wife wants her 2nd child.

Maleview knows his own points of view, whats wrong with asking a few key questions to get himself thinking about the situation he has openly posted and responded to about on my thread.

Maleview sorry to talk about you rather than directly. My last comment was that I 'd hoped not to offend you.

Maleview's post about his wife's toddler groups and lack of ambition highlights the problems that leaving the child rearing to one partner while the other works often creates. I think it's really hard on a relationship as its difficult to empathise with the other persons daily life.

To the OP - I would be wary of having another while your DP is still unsure as if it is tough like the first it WILL cause resentment. He does sound like he could come around to the idea though. Perhaps you can put support strategies in place, like a night nanny for the first few months?? I understand his pov I myself am apprehensive about having a second for similar reasons my dd is 8 I am more independent now, my relationship with my partner is great, we just about get some 'us' time. My mental health has just about recovered now dd is 8...

I suppose I would also proffer the view - how would you feel if you don't have a child and for one reason or another your relationship with your DH breaks down in 5 or 10 years time - will you be eaten up by the fact that you didn't have that child?

Not having a child you desperately want in order to 'save' a relationship can be a mistake too (not as bad as having a child to 'save' a relationship, but still damaging).

Ps my dd is from prev relationship. In theory I'd love a baby with my DP but I would want both of us to be 100% ready and at a point in our careers where we can both spend equal time at home with our child. I also know from experience how tough having a baby is on a relationship in terms of tiredness lack of independence social life etc etc

Bubble chum I would push too if it were me.

I have a big age gap (10 years) between ds1 and ds2 and it has worked out really really well, so I would say that isn't necessarily a big deal.

I agree with donkeys about dealing with the resentment you so obviously feel maleview. I'd be devastated if I thought for a second my dp felt the way you do.

So sorry you and your dh don't agree on this lucky it's heartbreaking. I spent nearly 10 years yearning every day for another, wondering if it would ever happen, I was so unhappy. I hope somehow things work out for you all.

I am you 6 years ago. My DP didn't want a second child. However, I fell pregnant (similar scenario, withdrawal method) and my DP acceptedit had happened. He was supportive even though he wasn't keen. Sadly when I went for my 12 week scan, I had miscarried. I was devastated and this made me even more desperate for another child (DS 1 was 3 years old at the time). My DP made it clear he didn't want another and couldn't deal with the heartache of another mc (I was 37 at the time). I kept asking DP and he kept saying no. I eventually decided to keep quiet and say nothing. Two months later, he got up one morning and said "the answer is yes". I was elated. Luckily, I fell pg quickly and had my DS2.
Fast forward nearly 6 years. My DP and I have recently separated. One of the reasons he threw at me was that I "bullied" (his words) into having another baby. Whilst he loves our son, I do think it affected our relationship.

sadly, my DH to changed his mind after our first but didnt actually tell me this until it was too late to be able to make a decision for myself. I feel a lot of resentment towards for not talking to me. We even tried relate but whilst they helped us in other aspects they seemed to skirt around the elephant in the room

Now Im miserable and cant get over every single time I see a pregnant woman and wished it was me

I wish I knew what to say, other than I know exactly how you feel, but with no chance of things changing in our situation other than me either getting over it or leaving him

Update:

spoke to dh last night as he wanted to talk about what was wrong (with me) I explained how I was feeling and said I needed to know if his answer was 100% no chance of a 2nd baby. DH said it was a def no but couldn't say if he might change his mind, after all I changed my mind.

I explained that I don't have the luxury of time as he does to wait and see so I needed a firm 100% no so I could try and move on.

The conversation didn't go well, he seamed pissed off and bored with the topic, very un sympathectic. This morning I told him I didn't want to go to the xmas do I'd been invited to and he demanded to know why as it was months off, implying I should be over this by then. I'd just said I didn't want to go initially but he pushed for the real reason so I told him. Dh said the very idea of me being four months pregnant made him feel utterly sick and having to go through all that again..

So that's one topic finished. To say Im devastated is an understatement. I feel angry too.

As its the school hols Im going to take our DS away for the night or two as I need the space, I just cant look at DH at the mo. Ill see how it goes. Lots of fun stuff planned for ds. Im also thinking about getting a PT job too, get some independence and space...

I also told my mum yesterday that I didn't want anything for my bday (she was asking again what I wanted) I don't even want a card and said I would actually be more annoyed if she got me a card and to just leave it as I didn't want to celebrate it and to let the rest of the family know too. Ill concentrate on my ds.

I'm sorry you are so unhappy.

OP -
Biological clock ticking can be a massive imperative for some people, and it might be useful to give your DH some of the research info that is out there on why you are feeling as strongly as you do. He needs to know that this is not a fancy you have cooked up, and are now "punishing" him for rejecting, but feelings over which you have little control.

It is very hard to argue the emotional/hormonal POV over the practical aspects your DH is putting forward, but I do think that an "accident" is not a great way to go, if you are intending to 'help' that accident along a little.
If he is saying "if it happens, it happens" though, I think you are already creating a chink in the armour. Drip-dripping the subject may work better than confrontation ?

It might also help if you can talk to him about being able to deal with any PND much more swiftly, if it should happen, because you would identify and seek help at the very start. It can be very scary for a husband to watch the person he loves be in a place he cannot reach, and that might be informing his decision. Are you able to go through a checklist of the other areas which were very difficult ....and have answers/preventions for each? Logical arguments will help the case!

Keep talking to your husband and sharing your emotions and dream. Do not push him and do not fixate on your imaginatory deadline of 35. Can you move it to 40? Lots of women have children in their 40s too. Please don't force it. Make up with your husband and in time start sharing the dream again. Slowly and cheerfully. Good luck, OP!

Hi OP

I just wanted to add another perspective into this. My relationship is currently breaking down, and the main reason is that my partner didn't want a baby when I did. He has 3 from a previous rel. I have one. I always wanted another. He was vague at first, but put it off and put it off and then eventually (3 yrs in) said he didn't want to start again. His youngest was then 10.

I do understand why he didn't, and I didn't force the issue.

Despite this we carried on having sex and using the withdrawal method, and occasionally not withdrawing in time! Every month I'd wait and hope that maybe it had happened. He also said "We'll deal with it if it happens"

Well it didn't happen and earlier this year the doc confirmed I was post-menopausal (aged 38). I knew this was a possibility due to cancer treatment when I was a teenager. I'm now on HRT and the ship has sailed.

I'm OK with this most of the time because I know I'm lucky to have my lovely daughter and life is generally good, but every time we have sex I feel completely flat and have to choke back tears, because I hadn't realised how much of my enjoyment of sex was also knowing that it could be the time I conceived. I feel really bitter towards him, that he's got his lovely 3 kids and he has taken away my chance of having any more.

It's basically destroyed our sex life. I know that my hormones have played a part in this, but I'm also not prepared to do anything for him in that department, because the minute he starts trying it on I just think FUCK OFF!

I hope you can move on from it and still maintain your relationship, but I wouldn't assume that having another one is the only way your relationship will suffer. One of you will have to concede, and whoever does may well feel bitter and angry.

Good luck

Thanks for responses,

Donkey, you made me cry, I didn't realise my last post was so sad.

Mumngran, Ill look into the bio clock ticking thing if only to understand myself better. I wish to make it clear I have never mentioned nor would I engineer an 'accident'. totally out of order on so many levels for me, really not my style! I've already said to dh about discussing PND prevention with gp both before, during and after pg, I do not wish history to repeat.

Val007 35 to 40 is a HUGE jump and not one for me, I look at the bigger pic. 61 with a 20 yo coming hm from a club with the muchies!! And likely to old to really help with grandkids...?? Im far from positive right now.

thanks everyone

Difficult subject, really difficult.... I was desperate for 4dcs and I had to work really hard at convincing dh for the 4th. In the end he did 'give in', as he said it would have been detrimental to our relationship in the future (4dcs had always been on the cards, I am terrible at being pregnant, have problematic pregnancies, have had a stillbirth with my first pregnancy and have nine months of morning sickness). I guess dh knew that despite our rough ride when I am pregnant, I am pretty determined. I was 40 when I had dd4, my oldest at the time had just turned 5.

I guess we are still in the 'zone' - sleepless nights, nappies etc. while I was pregnant, dh was a bit of an arse and when times were tough he make some comment regarding the pregnancy. However, dd4 is now 18 months and he adores her. We still find everything pretty hard at the moment: we have a 6, 5, 3 and 1 year old and no family support. However, dh is good about it and definately with each child has pulled his weight a lot more despite working ridiculous hours.

I wish I had some useful advice to give you op, but I just wanted to relate my experience. I can understand how bitter you must feel, because I definately would have lt that bitter. I was sterilised during my 4th c-section.

Oh, I also had all my children bw the ages of 35 and 40. Just how it happened, would have been nice earlier, but infertility and my daughter's stillbirth stopped that. I am not bothered by being 40 and having a child. And I also think our children's generation will probably have kids earlier because we had them later. Just like I had my kids later because my mum had them earlier!

Apologies,OP, I didn't intend to accuse ..... just extrapolated from " Hes an adult and he knows what hes doing and if I fell pg then tough! "

treehouselover:

I totally understand what your saying and I suspect DH knows this too, If he says no (as he has) then there is still fall out. I did say to dh that nothing has changed for him, for me my future/family/plans has, I have regrets now a sadness I have to live with and I am angry with dh and he reacts to that in a negative way. So its had its impact and that will always be there.

Im sorry you also didn't get a chance to have a second child, and your in a bad place with your relationship, hugs.

I can't help feeling that your DH is leaving a door open... He says he doesn't want a child but is happy to continue using a risky method of contraception. That sounds to me like he doesn't want to TTC officially but is happy to "see what happens" or "let nature take its course". Do you think that may be true? (Or is he really very stupid??!)

If so, I would stop pushing for a 100% decision for a while. Stop worrying about your 35th birthday. Another few months really won't make much difference to your fertility. Make it clear you're still keen and have the discussion again later this year.

I would write him a letter putting down all your thoughts and say that you will not mention it for a set time, say 3 months. In the meantime keep busy. As I said before, after I did this, my very reluctant DP came to me one morning out of the blue and said yes. I was 38.
He left 2 weeks ago and he did claim when he left, I bullied him into another child. But that's not how it happened. Good luck x x

Thanks LL

I do think the whole withdrawal method / wait and see attitude is very cruel (albeit probably unintentionally). What he's saying and what he's doing don't match, and my P was the same. It is only natural to clutch at any small hope and read too much into it.

My P would coo over newborns and say how much he missed the baby years, and I would grab onto that and think he was going to change his mind. As I say, in my head I don't blame him for not wanting more. He'd done his time (single parent and main carer for his 3 from when the youngest was 3yo) but I do think he could have been straighter with me.

You were asking how to get over it and move on. I had a rough couple of years where it was constantly on my mind and I struggled. I do think I'm mostly over it now though. It's a grieving process. Not on the scale of losing a loved one obviously but it just gets easier with time and you will start to focus on what's good in your life (ds).

Did you say upthread you were looking at a part time job? Something else to focus on and maybe other hobbies / activities would be good.