Should he have come home?

[SpottyPony]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

Bloody hell Spotty I just saw your thread and read through it all. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The course of action you are taking is spot on imo. He is an utter loser and you will be so much better on your own with your precious ds.

I would actually unblock both the numbers, let them keep texting. They are hanging themselves quite nicely and it will do you no harm to have as much recorded as possible so that you have plenty of proof of what an arse he is if you ever need it.

What an utter utter bastard.

Hi OP, I'm glad that you are telling people and are getting some RL support.

Totally agree about blocking the OW phone, she's now provided you with all the ammunition you need,and you don't need to take her abuse.

Maybe still maintain lines of communications open with STBXH, so that he can't claim that you are stopping him contacting about DS. Maybe getting a cheap mobile that you use day to day and also keep the "dickhead phone" that you only switch on once a day to check messages and forget the rest of the time. That way he can't say you are cutting him out but you also don't have your heart in your mouth every time the phone rings or beeps.

Hi all. Thank you once again for your messages of support and your good advice, I am reading it all and implementing them into how I deal with things and it is much appreciated.

Unfortunately, in this ongoing saga that is my now waking nightmare life I have had 2 more messages from 2 different women, as recently as last night. They have found me on Facebook and both informed me that H has been sleeping with them, taken them out, bought them things and treated them like princesses. One said that his divorce papers to me were "ready to be signed" and that was all he needed to do in order to be rid of me completely. She signed her message off with "sucks to be you, by the way hope your baby is better I hear off your husband he's ill".

If I didn't have DS, I honestly can't say what I would do right now. I wole up this morning having been able to have slept a bit and was taking pictures of garden furniture and other items I am selling to raise funds, when this hit me and I am straight back to square one. Sitting on floor crying til my face is red and sore. A friend has popped round and she helped with DS who is now napping.

On a good note, BIL and FIL both called last night and expressed disgust at H and said they were ashamed of him. They said they want DS to remain in their lives and would come and visit us when we arrive at the refuge centre and offered to help in any way.

OMG - it gets worse and worse!! :(

I'm so glad you have the support of your in-laws. Did you tell them about it? would it be possible for you to move closer to the in-laws (as opposed to your family who seem to not want to care or be bothered by this whole situation?)??

big hugs and brave steps forward. xx

I am a bit suspect of why all these women are seeking you out on FB and messaging you all of a sudden. How did the first OW guess your mobile number unless your DH told her?

I suspect he is putting them up to this just now. Is there any way you could change your FB settings to private to stop any more messages -yes l think there will be more--or even cancel your account and set up a new one just giving access to people that you want to be ble to view.

At least your DC will have some contact with his DFs side of the family l just hope they mean what they say and your DH doesn't try to spin this around and put the blame t your door.

Stay strong Spotty and let friends help as much as they can

I'm with Doha, where are all these women coming from?

and where have they been all this time?

glad his family are supporting you OP, I would just chuck his stuff out tbh.

I'm still wondering why the first woman rang you a few weeks ago asking for him by name and then texts you referring to him as 'Dave'. I agree that it sounds as if he is behind these sudden FB messages - trying to make you feel worse :( Please don't let him get to you. You and your DS deserve so much more.

Well if he's trying to prove himself to be an utter cunt that you're well shot of, he's certainly succeeding.

Make sure you keep screen grabs of the messages and the senders in case they/he take themselves off facebook and they disappear.

and... I think if it were me I would just post the screengrabs onto my own facebook to make them public but maybe that's just playing into his hands?

I suspect the timing means that either he's putting them up to it. Or the first OW to be in contact has stirred the shit spectacularly and she has provoked it.

When is H returning to do his exit admin?

I hope your friends continue to keep an eye out for you until your move; it's Ok to lean on them hard as this works through.

I agree with Doha, The fact that all these women seem to be very nasty towards you and have appeared at the same time reeks of collusion to me. Open a new account and tell the people that you wish contact from where it is. Your current facebook page can then be used to prove you are being harrassed if needed.
I'm glad that your ILs have been in touch and are supportive. Having them on side will be a great asset when your ex starts mud slinging/playing the victim.
You sound really lovely, dignified and strong. Keep it up, don't let the bastard bring you down.

Agree with the last few posters - there is no way that several women have spontaneously decided to seek you out and reveal themselves like this now. It's a set-up. Either by your DH or by the 'first' OW.

Definitely change your facebook settings! And yes yes to keeping screengrabs, texts, everything.

I would block him from phone calls too, and send an email telling him that all contact should be made through email at the present time. That's still providing a way for him to contact you (so you can't be accused of blocking access to the child), but gives you a record of everything he says as well as being less emotionally loaded for you.

OP you're really being put through it sending you lots of hugs ((()))

What a coincidence that 2 more women have found you and come out of the woodwork just the same time as the OW did? I suspect that the 'new OW' are probably down to the OW and it's probably her and her friends idea of 'fun' - silly bitches.

Appalling story hope SpottyPony gets the support she deserves. I'll save my pity for the OP and DS and hope once they're away she can rebuild a new life.

On a side note how refreshing when STBX's family actually step up and condemn their family member and offer support.

I am taking pictures of everything, the messages,their profiles (as much as I can see of them) and saving them onto an old phone and also onto my laptop. I believe what has happened is one of two things - either OW is angry that he has been caught with yet more women and decided to get nasty and is putting her friends up to messaging me as well to make things even worse or he has made such an almighty mess of sleeping with as many people as he can that they're all trying to pull one over on him and stir it as much as they can. Either way, none of them care for my feelings. I hate them all, including him. My life is in tatters and all they can think of is one-upmanship and getting one over on him. No one cares that me and DS are going into a refuge in 2 weeks and that he was sleeping with them when he was in hospital.

The thing that makes me feel even worse is they look (and are, from what I've seen on their profiles) much younger than me. I am 25, and two of them are just 17 years old. I am not meaning to be stereotypical against teenagers and I know some can be very mature for their age but this might explain why they appear to be being swept off their feet by him.

*Sorry they are 19 years old not 17, typo on my phone. That would be even worse!

Spot on spotty!

In the end, they are irrelevant to your future (other than providing you with the evidence you will need) and very very sad girls. I hope that one day, they'll grow up and think differently about what they have done and feel shame.
Two weeks is such a long time to wait

Ohhhhhhhhh sweetheart you are still a young woman with your whole life ahead of you and the opportunity of having a wonderful life with a wonderful man who will love, cherish and deserve you. This is a new chapter in your life, although you may not see it that way now or in the near future don't think of it as the end its YOUR fresh, new, exciting beginning.

Keep in mind these are silly little immature girls who are keyboard warriors. She sounds like a fatal attraction bunny boiler - stupid little bitches. They are out to reek their revenge on him - hell have no fury etc but they are using you to seek that revenge. I could knock their heads off them on your behalf. Remember he wrecked everything when he didn't return home to you when DS was in hospital. Use their messages to fuel your determination to make a new fresh start and show him up for the twat he is x

Spotty. Your story is horrendous, I can't imagine how hard recent weeks have been. I wish I was in a position to offer you some practical support but I can't think of anything that would be of use at present. I'm v glad that you have strong RL support and your husband's behaviour will not only lead to his public vilification but that his family are also supporting you.
I would say that where your BIL and FIL are concerned, I would make it very clear to them that a continuing relationship with you and your DS is UTTERLY conditional on there being no attempts to reconcile you with your H and putting you both in harms way. Make sure they know of the DV history and that you will press charges all the way if there is any attempt at a repeat. Presumably a public conviction will result in your H's discharge from the army?

Your immediate financial situation is what concerns me most. You sound like you are inherently a strong woman and will be well shot of him. I can't believe that the military will allow you to effectively leave Germany destitute. Where are you getting maternity leave from? The German state - did you work locally? Can you tell your H's CO that your H is refusing to give you any money to live off and is financially abusing you on top of everything else? He should be turning up to collect his things on Thursday with a wodge of cash in an envelope the tosser

The refuge centre we will be living at costs £47 a week, and the soldier of the affected family is "strongly urged" to pay this. H however has flatly refused and said it is me that isn't putting any effort into the relationship and it's my fault he's cheated so he isn't funding me "running away from my problems" (this was all said before I blocked his number as I was finding it too distressing to read) my financial situation concerns me greatly. I will still be receiving SMP until the end of November (I had to leave earlier than I would have liked due to SPD and blood pressure problems which resulted in fainting a lot) and I am going to get my benefits processed as quickly as I can, I will still receive the SMP as I worked for the Army as a civilian (audio typist) so it is transferable once I get to the UK.

I know people have said I should just delete Facebook (RL friends have suggested the same) or to block people messaging me) but I am having to keep it open for now as I am using it to sell as much furniture, DS's newborn clothes, toys etc to get as much cash behind me as possible. I have changed my name back to my maiden name so the other women can't find me as easily and if I do receive more, I will simply be taking pictures of them and not responding although it goes against every fibre of my being as I want to vent and tell them how much they've hurt me

Your Inlaws have offered you help and support could you not explain that H is refusing you money and any access to it and tell them your worries for you and DS? Even if they are not in a position to help you financially they may be able to put pressure on H to do the right thing by you financially.

Now is not the time to be too proud to say you can't cope financially or emotionally - reach out to everyone who has offered help and support. They want to help you and will probably be grateful they can help you in any way they can

Hi Spotty. He is a cock of the highest order isn't he?

So technically you are still employed by the Army and they will need to find you a role to return to in the UK at the end of your maternity period (assuming your salary would cover childcare).

Still - as one poster pointed out, the fact that he is in the military makes it very easy to collect his child maintenance payments. I hope it gets processed quickly for your sake and you can put him behind you.