Should he have come home?

[SpottyPony]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

What a twat! How on earth can he justify not paying any money towards his son!
Ignore the women on facebook, they are probably friends of the 1st OW and are trying to goad you into a slanging match. If you give them any response it will be like a red rag to a bull, although i appreciate it must be eating you up inside. Please feel free to post on here as to what you would like to say to them, it might release the pressure IYSWIM.

If you have to be that when prick comes to get his crap can you make sure your baby isn't?

Oh Spotty, I am quite sickened by your husband's behaviour and your current plight... terribly sad about your horse, too, being more than a little horse-mad and quite soppy/sentimental about the two horses in my life.

I am glad you seem to be making sure your lovely furry/feathered friends are going to be OK.

But most of all I am seething at this toe-rag who has put you and your lovely baby in this situation. You are being incredibly strong. Supportive hugs coming your way from Paris xxx

Hi Spottypony,
I posted right at the start of your thread, and just wanted to let you know that you're doing brilliantly.
This will all get so very much better for you very soon, and you have your beautiful son - it is all entirely your STBXH's loss.
Do try not to engage when he starts blaming you, you know it's just him trying to cover for unbelievably shitty behaviour; and you know he'll probably try several different ways from anger/weedling/begging once he gets back and finds out that it not secret anymore.
I wish you all the best; and your little boy is too young to be affected by this, he will simply grow up always knowing that he has a wonderful mum.

spotty, re: the "other other women", have you dug into their FB profiles? Like, when they were first created, etc? I know also that it's possible to find a fake profile by a lot of ways, including doing an image search (how this works I don't know).

In other words, whilst I agree it's possible that these are friends of "first OW", it's also very possible that it's your Twunt making things up himself, or getting [prob-male] friends to do it.

Things like this contribute to "unreasonable behaviour" - which isn't as easy/fast as adultery for divorce grounds (so definitely stick with that if you can), but may help a lot in terms of access and other considerations. It's definitely harrassment, by the way.

May we enquire Twunt's rank? for the time being - doubt he'll stay that long

Agree: you're doing wonderfully, all things considered! Hurry home, and hope you're reunited with Horsey.

"technically you are still employed by the Army and they will need to find you a role to return to in the UK"

Not necessarily. Are you employed by the MoD on UK or local terms? I'm presuming it's local, as you haven't mentioned needing to locate near a likely posting or you on return.

what do they strongly urge you to do if your fuckwit of a soldier refuses to pay??

I agree with approaching his family with the problem that he is not supporting his family. See if they step up.

Spotty
I am in the West Midlands - just outside Brum, so if you fancy a meet up for a coffee or anything when you get home just let me know.

Good luck with everything and stay strong

"what do they strongly urge you to do if your fuckwit of a soldier refuses to pay??"

There isn't much any employer of a STBX can get them to do if they are going to be obstructive fuckwits. OP needs to get a lawyer and a temporary agreement on maintenance. It might help if IL's outrage can translate into as much encouragement/pressure as needed to get him to man up and meet his obligations.

Oh spotty What a shit!!!

You do sound amazingly strong. There is never an excuse for behaviour like his so ignore all this blatant blame-shifting.

xx

I must say I'm impressed how quickly the armed forces seem to have acted in getting you moved. How come they believe your account over and above his though?

I don't have useful exerience to offer only support and prayers. I wouldn't spare the il's any of the sordid details of hi s behaviour. Especially the financial abuse you have suffered (no access to funds whilst he is away is financial abuse). Irrespective of behaviour nin the relationship (fwiw there is no excuse for his behaviour and you are not responsible) to not want to come home to see his son in this circumstance defie s logic and all sensible feeling of a caring parent.

Oops I missed the question mark at the end.

So technically you are still employed by the Army and they will need to find you a role to return to in the UK at the end of your maternity period (assuming your salary would cover childcare) ?

If I read OP's earlier posts rightly, it looks as if the separation and the move to the refuge are plans that have been underway for some time (since the RMP involvement in the DV incident?)

What Pglit said.

Chin up SpottyPony, you are doing brilliantly.

What a terrible way to treat someone. Your new life will be amazing...you won't look back.

He sounds incredibly manipulative. It definitely sounds like he's up to something with the Facebook messages and texts from new woman.

Good grief it just gets worse and worse with this guy. But you! You are doing amazingly. Every time something happens, you deal with it in the smartest, calmest way. I am really impressed with how you have all departure arrangements made and have ensured that he will have an escort the whole time he's in your home -- really well done. Keep going, don't forget to give yourself some down time. Want us to recommend you some good movies for before bed? That can be a hard time and you might need some distraction

I do wonder if you should lean on your inlaws as they seem more supportive than your own family!

I think you should also lean on welfare to move faster grrrrr.

Hello all, sorry for the delay in responding, I've not been well and have felt very ill and feverish over the last 24 hours so haven't been capable of much. Not had a cold/bug in over 2 years so assuming it's down to stress.

Yet another woman came forward last night and messaged me although I'd changed back to my maiden name and told me all about my husband (including details that would only be known if you knew him intimately IYSWIM ). Just saved it to my phone, laptop etc and then didn't look at it again. It still gave me that sickening, chilling jolt as I read it but I just tried to carry on with everything afterwards as normal as there's only so much I can take. The last rabbit is being collected today then all the pets are gone, the horse has been sorted and is being loaned by a good friend until she is posted to the UK in a year's time and we will see from there if I am in a position to take her back. Lots of items being sold and I have the removals assessor coming out next Wednesday to provide me with packing boxes and to see how much stuff will need to be loaded onto the lorry.

I messaged H about his return and about his possessions being left in the hallway ready for him to just load into his car and leave again. This angered him and he said that wasn't going to happen and I'm a stupid cow for "flouncing off and walking out on a marriage without even trying". Obviously this was a red rag to a bull and in my emotional state I retaliated, saying I had all evidence of the many women he's cheated on me with and proving it too. He said it is all an elaborate set up as he has shunned the OW after a one night stand and she is now getting her friends to message me and pretend to be yet more women he has slept with. He said the WhatsApp messages from him to her that she took pictures of and sent to me aren't from him, it is one of her friends posing as him and sending them to her. Even though there are dates and times on the messages and he is sending her pictures of himself to her from that number. Yeah...that's really going to be from someone else isn't it! I honestly can't get over the levels he is going to to try and claim it isn't true. I asked him to drop the act and be honest as it was starting to sound very far fetched and was just making things worse. He claimed it was all my fault he'd had a one night stand as I'm uncaring and unloving and she chased after him and he thought I didn't love him so he might as well do it. Pathetic. Even if it was a one night stand, it's still wrong. But - he wouldn't come home for DS. Blocked my number. Slept around with several women. Denied everything. Is now blaming me. His behaviour is beyond forgiveness.

For the first time yesterday, I dared myself to get excited about mine and DS's future. It will be hard, stressful and deeply upsetting and I know I am going to face many obstacles before we are settled but we will get there. I am free of this emotional burden of constant stress worrying whether he is cheating, if he is going to come home drunk and trash the house/be abusive, getting up in the night for DS whilst he pretends to be asleep. I would love to start a career in caring or nursing, this is something I'm going to actively pursue now I'm not stuck following him around in his various postings whilst he goes about cheating without a care.

Some have mentioned that it's very fast for welfare to get us out and back to the UK - where domestic violence is involved and the soldier has been adulterous, we are moved as priority. If a marriage has failed, usually there is a 3 month "cooling off" period where the soldier returns to the block in camp, I remain in the house and then after 3 months we are evicted to return to civilian life. However in these circumstances it is urgent that we flee from this and they have fast tracked everything so we can just go. He will be in charge of handing the house back after we leave etc, all we have to do is get removals to take our things, get on our flight and go.

He is awful. But you know that.

I just wanted to wish you the best for the future. Your strength means your ds will grow up with the best kind of rolemodel possible.

Morning Spotty I hope you get the chance to look after yourself and your cold starts feeling better.

Go girl!! - start getting excited about YOUR NEW LIFE. Every obstacle you over come will make you stronger and you can look back and be proud of yourself that you did it.

I believe him, in that this was an affair with one woman who is reeking revenge. There may be other women but the I suspect all the messages are just connected to the first woman. She has probably found you again through one her first message to you or previously knowing who is on your friends list and finding you that way - what a complete bitch, but revenge is a dish best served cold.

Words cannot convey what an absolute twat your H is. He may try to blame you for his infidelity (fcking arse) but how he's going to justify to you and anyone else who is listening to his pathetic bleatings, why he didn't return home when his sick DS was in hospital is going to be a lot harder for him.

Some things in your future may feel hard sometimes and strange but it will also be exciting and new with new possibilities and new opportunities.

Good luck and stay strong lovely lady.

I think forum is right. this is revenge from the OW. However, I would also agree that there have been others.. Just not these particular ones!!

However, just the one is enough and the refusal to speak to you after Ds's illness is shocking. his whole reaction to what has happened is telling in its selfishness and total lack of real love.

Look forward to that moment when these burdens will be lifted from your shoulders. here will be a time when this is better, sounds like you are beginning to see it out there xx

Tell him you're not interested any more in what he does or thinks, or any of the seedy details of his life. You are leaving because you no longer wish to be married to him because of who and what he has shown himself to be. End.

Exit with dignity.

Sitting in my car at the garage waiting for it to be looked at and catching up. It doesn't matter what the truth is now really. He's a cheat and a liar.

I do think some of these supposed ow, aren't and it's revenge as well but it doesn't matter. You are well shot of him.

He keeps changing his tune. Keep your dignity. Clams message is perfect. Send it and do not message him anymore. If you have to, keep it factual only. No feelings. Business like and if he gets personal, do not respond.