Should he have come home?

[SpottyPony]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

Dontstepon

I think octupuspete was referring to the comment from the ow, when she said something about him not coming back as they were divorced and op was crazy.

She's as bad as him, was referring to the ow i think

I'm late to this thread but I just wanted to say, you sound utterly brilliant in the face of, frankly, a wall of shit.

You and your lovely baby are up here and

Your husband is down here.

I've been following this from the outset and just wanted to show my support. I did suspect that the OW realised that she was losing your H, hence trying to wreck his marriage. She hadn't realised you were smart enough to have worked it out already.

I sincerely hope that his return is not traumatic for you. He will of course blame his infidelity entirely on you. Not sure how he will defend his lack of love for his son.

You must keep all the screen grabs, especially where he swears on his hospitalised son's life - how much will that be worth in a custody case?

Also, why is the army not paying for your horse's repatriation? Surely the horse is only there because your husband is posted there and thus should go back with you.

Do let as many people know as much as possible before his return so that he can avoid rewriting history. As it is, his colleagues will know what he has been doing and the responsible ones will hate that their partners will worry that they might do the same.

Good luck. You sound lovely and your son is lucky to have you.

I have been following this thread but have been unable to comment as of yet. OP, I went through something very similar except EXH was US Armed Forces and no kids thank God...
You are amazing and both you and your lovely son will be just fine. He's so lucky so have such a brave mum.
Your H wasn't planning on leaving you for OW. He just wanted to play the field and have a good time while he was gone. When OW found out it was all talk and he just wanted to get into her pants she decided to get her own back. Your H is absolutely vile. Of course cheating on you and blocking you from communication is a deal breaker, but not being there for you and DS when little DS was sick was horrendous, just terrible.
OP if anyone, be it a friend or a stranger on MN offers you any type of assistance from helping ship your horse to clothing or a place to stay please except it if you need it. I'm so hoping that you find a way to keep your horse.
If you have anything valuable or important to you take it over to a trusted friend's house before Thursday. Pack up all his stuff so it'll be quicker for him to leave. Make sure you have a few friends and their DHs there too, and send DS over to a friend's house until your sure he's gone.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Yes when I heard he was coming back so soon, I immediately asked welfare if they would escort him to get his things as he has form for losing his temper and has a previous conviction against me. They will be sending someone with him who will walk in with him, let him gather his things then leave and also hand his house keys to them. They are also making him sign out of the guardroom every time he leaves camp so they know his movements and can be alerted if they think he is trying to gain access to the house. I did consider frisbeeing his possessions at him from a bedroom window upon his arrival but decided I don't want to look at his face for that long whilst I try and aim at him

I have blocked his number as his last correspondence was to call me pathetic, that it's no wonder he strayed and he hopes I can learn to deal with why I couldn't keep him happy as it must be upsetting. I am staggered by the nasty, twisted nature of these messages and I can only imagine they are giving him some comfort in justifying his terrible actions. Her number is also blocked, I feel marginally calmer just from doing that.

Dontstepon yes that's exactly how I feel when I get a new message. I get that horrible, acidic lurch in my stomach and my heart pounds for ages afterwards.

theonlysaneinthevillage You're right about telling everyone what has happened. This is what I have done with wild abandon today, especially before he gets back so he doesn't have the chance to play the woe is me card and put it on me. My friend was slightly incredulous earlier and asked me if she could see the messages as it was sounding very, very nightmareish to the point she couldn't believe it to be true. Half an hour later she had sifted through the reams of messages she was sat with a horrified expression and said it was truly awful and that she has never come across such a mean, vile person in her life. Also, news spreads verrrry quickly in Army towns. The entire estate knows and his name is becoming mud. Not my problem.

Butbutbut - even if everything he said was the gospel truth, and you are the worst wife to ever have graced this earth, he has no excuse for not seeing/asking about/coming home to his baby.
How will he explain that to his pals, I wonder?
Think you are doing amazingly well, by the way, OP. Keep strong.

It's great to see you have so much RL support.

Yes what Iggi said...
Cheating = Bad
Not visiting sick son, not calling about him, blocking you from making contact = totally unforgiveable.

I suggest that all communication between you and H is done through a 3rd party- military now then a solicitor later. You can block him from your phone. Why not?

You must look after yourself now. It's been clear all along that he is only suiting himself. You've nothing to gain by remaining in contact with him.

Xpost- you've blocked him now. Great!

I've been reading this thread with my mouth hanging open, literally. This man is just beyond any vileness that I have ever read about on here - truly. Cheating and lying are easy and common things amongst the scum of the world but to treat his own child, sick and hospitalised, with such utter contempt is really beyond anything else.

I am so glad to read that you are being supported in getting out of there with your baby. Now that he is coming home sooner rather than later, you really should take steps to protect yourself and your child. I would agree that you must have NO contact with him at ALL - keep him out of your home and blocked from all communication. He sounds like a nasty, nasty piece of work and he may well try to make this ugly for you once he realises what you are doing and that everyone knows what he has done.

Treat him like a dangerous stranger. Be careful and take care of yourself and the little one!

FWIW when my ex cheated he also said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it, blah, blah, blah. It's their way of transferring their guilt to someone else. He's the one that's pathetic, not you. Oh, and I had to laugh inwardly when I read that he's now cheated on the OW as well - that's karma, bitch! (her that's a bitch, not you, obvs).

We'll all be thinking of you on Thursday. Would it help to bag most or even all of his stuff up, so he's there for the least amount of time possible?

In my comment I was referring to the OW comment about why he didn't want to come back because she was a b** apparently, I 'm not saying the OP is bad.

Can you arrange to have your son somewhere else/with someone else at their home when H comes to collect his stuff? I would not want my child present then. I'd also make sure that all important documents and sentimental things were not around. It sounds like you are getting good support from welfare, but don't risk him being able to get his hands on anything by telling more lies to them or making threats.

that's karma, bitch!
To be fair, it does sound like his lies were believed by the OW - I don't think the OW knew she was the OW until the end! She's been horrible to text you, obviously, but at the same time, she is a victim of the STBX's bullshit, too (and if were she who posted here about finding out her so-called boyfriend was married, there would be posters . (That's not your concern, spotty, and you don't need to give her another thought - but as far as the posters calling her names - I think it's best to direct blame and anger right where it belongs!)

oops, where'd my sentence go? should say 'there'd be posters even advising her to contact the wife and fill her in'.

Oh my good god..! I logged on hoping for a more positive update spotty, can't believe its actually worse

I now the OW is neither of our concerns, but I did wonder yesterday what her motivation was in contacting you....

And I remembered what you said about him getting into a car with all his mates and wondered if she had seen him with someone else,and thereby flying into a fit of jealousy and texting u etc...

And as for sending you copies of their messages, she was trying to justify her behaviour. Well she's flipping welcome to him isn't she. Well done for blocking them both.

I share your concern about him coming home earlier than expected. And yes he's bound to turn it into being your fault. Sadly this is something that cheaters do so he's very consistent in that respect!!

Keep in touch, PM me where you're coming back to and if its the place you mentioned to me then maybe we can meet and you can have some equine therapy

Stay strong

Fucking hell
I've just read all your posts OP and I'm feeling tearful for you. So sorry. The thought of your darling son so ill and him with some Trollop is so hurtful. When you are back you will be so free and life will get so much better.

Good for you OP so sorry things have got so bad so quickly

OctopusPete8 Oh I see! Sorry I'm not sure how I misinterpreted your message, re-reading it now

Glad their numbers are blocked now Spotty.

You are an amazing women - you will get through this. Sending you all my wishes xx

Brdgrl

'She sent me pictures of them together in a club. Him kissing her, her looking at camera smugly. I said I wanted her to stop as I had been tortured enough - she retorted it was her that was upset as he had left the bar with a different woman the previous night so she was doing this as revenge to him. Never mind the fact I am his wife of 4 years.'

She may have been a victim of his lies too, but she certainly doesn't give a rats ass about the op.

Her motives were revenge and she even had the gall to imply that she is in fact the most injured party!!

If I had been in her situation, I think I would have handled it a hell of a lot differently. For a start I would be mortified for his poor wife and feel some compassion that he was treating her in such a despicable manner. But then I'm nice like that. So forgive me, but my sympathies do not lie with her.

Op, I am so glad that you are telling everyone and that the fecking idiot left you with so much evidence to back it up. I don't watch soap operas and I'm not inclined to drama, but I do love it when someone as cuntish (think that's the first time I've used that word) as your dh gets some comeuppance.

Have his stuff bagged up at the front door so he only needs to step one front inside. Tell them escorting him that he will have no need to look throughout the house as everything is there.

I'd make sure I was at a friends around the corner, he might try demanding to talk to you or see Ds. If he has an audience he might try being dotting father. chokes on drink

Dear God...I am in shock at the behaviour you've had to endure Spotty....what an utter CUNT!! Sorry, profanity helps no-one, but I'm stuck for anything else to refer to!!! I wish you and your son every strength to move forward xxx

but my sympathies do not lie with her.
Neither do mine - but neither do I think it is appropriate to slag off the OW, who presumably is also shattered by the actions of the man in this situation. He is the one responsible here, and he deserves to be the focus of the OP's anger and of the public shaming he richly deserves.

But - spottypony is the one who needs our support now - so I'm not going to say any more here about the OW.

blumming heck spotty I've only just opened this thread but have read it all the way through. Ditto to everything said in the huge number of replies. You sound absolutely lovely I really hope his / her comments don't get to you, get out of there asap and rebuild your life in a positive environment.

Its the one thing I dislike and disagree with on these boards. Who cares about the ow. She isn't here. She's not reading this.

Why defend her? I don't get it. I completely get that the dh is to blame. That he owes the DW his faithfulness and not ow, but why can the ow not be brought to task or even irrationally name called on a mostly anonymous board?

I think keeping your dignity is a noble thing in rl - but not always understandably doable. But on here i think it is very unsupportive and downright sanctimonious to expect a grieving wife in utter turmoil to think about the ow feelings.

Sorry brdgrl that isn't aimed solely or directly at you, its just musings I have had about the matter over various cheating threads.

I will say no more as well.