Is it ever 'better' to not disclose an affair?

[JustKiddingMyself]

NC of course.

The subject title is provocative but largely sums it up. Is there ever a situation where not disclosing an affair can be justified, at all?

It's an open question but for example (and this doesn't necessarily completely describe a place I am in (though close)):

A married person and a single person have an emotional (but not physical) affair over several months. It's weak, it's wrong, and although they didn't stop before their feelings got too far, they both eventually realised it is wrong to continue on a basis of dishonesty. Both agree to stop contacting each other. The single person moves on, and the married person resolves to commit to their marriage and invest the energy and commitment that they realise (all too late) they should have thrown into their marriage in the first place.

The affair has introduced something dangerous and unstable into the marriage (which the innocent party does not know), but it has happened. If there is something that can be salvaged from the marriage, is it always 'better' for the guilty party to tell their spouse? Why would they do it - for honesty, to try and regain a bedrock for the relationship, or (sometimes) to simply avoid living with the hidden guilt? Perhaps that is the price to pay for the guilty party - to carry that burden and to not offload it?

Or, simply, if the innocent party loves their partner and is entirely happy in the marriage (though now based partly on a lie), would they actually (in every circumstance) wish to know?

That depends on how much emotional honesty there is between the couple. I don't mean by telling facts or being monogamous, lots of people can do that. I mean honest with oneself about what one really feels, and then being honest with their partner about it. Many people are out of touch with their more difficult feelings so this emotional intimacy is limited. He may sense things are different but not want to know if he hasn't probed. If you tell him it is unlikely to bring you closer, in my experience.

MN is a bit weird on this question. If the bettrayed party discovers an affair, then it's worse because they found out, rather than the wandering spouse confessing. But if it is the poster who is the one having the affairs the advice is usually not to tell, as that only makes things worse.

There is no tidy answer.

Perhaps the middle ground is to work on improving communication, even admitting to temptation (without the specifics of his close it came) and seeing what happens.

I think that if wandering spouses really saw the pain they were about to cause, there would be less infidelity, as it would break through the "affair bubble" when the primary relationship might still be salvageable. Assuming that the non-wandering spouse cannot find out is a pretty damned risky, insulting (and head-in-the-sand) approach

Hmm I would say keep quiet but don't lie if you are caught out.. Which I no doubt will get flamed for, and as I have never had an affair or had a 'proper ' partner (only when I was much younger and although seemed serious at the time, looking back it wasn't) cheat on me

I think that telling the innocent party is more an attempt by the guilty party to offload the guilt. It's not for the innocent party's benefit.
Ordinarily I'd say it's important to be honest, but not when that honesty would cause more pain.
Personally, I would suggest that in this circumstance it would be better to just commit to improving the marriage, and not blow it apart with these revelations.

I don't think the married person should tell, as its all over and they've come to their senses. Just concentrate on putting their energies into the marriage, as you said. If it ends up not working on its own terms, that will be another situation, but its a bit early to be sure about that.

Wasn't finished..
I couldn't truly tell you what I would do as I don't know

But what happens if/when the truth comes out? For the betrayed person the betrayal happened that day. If years have passed the betrayal is not just the initial infidelity but every day after has contained a lie.

For the betrayer they may have moved on from the infidelity. For them it is in the past. Each day since has moved away from the betrayal.

As a couple you arent on the same page, ever.

As someone who is dealing with the fall out of a 'full' recent affair of my H who previously had an EA a few years ago (which I didn't know about at the time) I would say confession is better - in the interests of dealing with what 'justifications' the cheating spouse had used to allow themselves to get into this other relationship. If the cheating spouse has enough self-awareness to explore and resolve those issues alone (which I doubt or it wouldn't have happened in the first place) or with a good counsellor then there is probably no need to cause pain to the betrayed spouse. If the issues remain unresolved then the cheating spouse is extremely likely to 'reoffend'.

Thank you for your replies.

discolatte But if the non-wandering partner has noticed but 'doesn't want to know', wouldn't that in itself create potential instability or further breakdown in communication/trust (almost in the 'worst' sense, in that it's something that is on their mind but they cannot broach at all)?

In a way that relates to one of meditrina's points, in that working on improving communication is intrinsically impaired by the inability of both the wandering partner to discuss a big thing on their mind, and the non-wandering partner to explore their suspicions or feelings that something is 'up'.

For example, I am in the situation of letting the other (single) person go. For all that I don't expect sympathy, it is hard to lose someone you love and emotionally I can sometimes be over the place. If my partner notices I seem down or distracted, and asks what's up, my response is 'nothing'. Because the alternative is 'I'm feeling sad because I'm letting someone I love go from my life'.

Again I don't say this because 'boo hoo me', but how can we fully work on our relationship if there are (big) things that we won't discuss? Is this just the burden and difficulty that comes from an affair, or does it irreparably harm the communication that should exist? Does owning up to everything, taking the risk of losing everything and starting from a shaky (but hopefully ultimately firmer) footing mean for a more honest and solid relationship?

I take your point on assuming the affair will never be uncovered is highly risky. One could take the viewpoint that if it means the end of the marriage either way (ie whether the affair is admitted or uncovered), then there is no additional risk from hiding it. Clearly life is not so simple, but hopefully you take my point.

Back2Two I really hope I don't put my foot in it here, but on the assumption you are with a long-term partner now and they haven't, to your knowledge, cheated on you, given where you are right now and the love you feel for each other, would you want that blown apart for the truth? If the affair was over and your partner was totally (in your eyes always) committed to you, would you want that taken away?

Sorry that's kind of confrontational, it's a genuine question and just an element of this that I feel is hard to really get a firm thought on (it's always by it's nature hypothetical).

3HotCrossBuns the 'reoffending' point is interesting (hopefully not universally applicable, but I take the point...)

On the confession as a first step to addressing any 'justifications' for wandering, I'm curious about that. If there are reasons why the marriage wasn't great, and those were partly reasons for the wander (however poor an excuse that is), how does confessing help address those? Wouldn't a confession put the innocent partner straight onto the defensive?

That's not unreasonable as a natural reaction of course, but doesn't that scupper any hope of addressing those issues? Wouldn't the innocent partner simply say 'well you had an affair, so you're the one that has to make all the effort/changes'? That in itself would create a barrier to redressing any other issues?

(noting of course the wandering partner has **ed up big time and should expect to be on the receiving end of a lot of stuff)

I'm simplifying again. Hopefully you get what I mean (again!)

I really think it depends on what led you to have the EA in the first place. Can you identify the problems you had in your marriage or in life generally?

Also, what has led you to decide to reinvest in your marriage rather than leave? How hopeful are you that things will change?

I don't think you automatically need to confess.

dreamingbohemian Ah. Well.

When I said this situation isn't completely like mine, it's because I'm not yet over the other person, nor am I yet fully convinced about reinvesting in my marriage. To be entirely frank, my DC and the 'family unit' are what has kept me with DP so far, and I'm hoping that these are the steps to bringing the marriage and family back together. I would, I suspect, have left by now if it wasn't for the 'family unit'.

(also while the other person is looking to move on, I suspect they are not yet fully over it either)

Nevertheless, I'm hoping I can get to a position as described in my OP. But I guess I'm trying to convince myself that if I can get there, I'll know what to do when I get there. Right now I'm far from convinced, but I need a direction to strike for otherwise I'll tread water till I drown.

Yes, there are things in our marriage that I don't think were working (DP was apparently entirely happy). We have started to talk about those, but tbh that brings a feeling of guilt and shame because of the methaphorical elephant I can see in the room that DP can't. Hence my comments about the barrier to communciation.

I more meant the internal reasons behind the justifications - usually a sense of entitlement, selfishness, emotional immaturity, low self-esteem, any work/life stress, childhood issues etc. One of the questions is - Why have an affair rather than communicate your feelings with your spouse? The cheater has to take full responsibility for making that choice. No marriage is ever perfect but it's never the right answer to be unfaithful.
FWIW my H was being badly bullied at work at the time of the EA, he had low level and undiagnosed depression for a while, had very low self esteem and we had a toddler and young baby at the time the EA started. H told himself I paid him little attention, wasn't interested in his problems etc - all untrue - whereas this OW was there for him, made him feel good, gave him an escape from his problems etc. It never developed into anything physical because she said no but H never dealt with the reasons why he sought solace in this way. He reoffended (but worse) a few years later when triggered by work stresses, continuing low self-esteem and worsening depression. I cannot express how much I wish he had sought decent counselling and communicated with me properly instead of sweeping it under the carpet and pretending that 'nothing happened'.

Often to make the cheater feel better about the affair they paint the marriage and/or spouse as being much worse than reality. My H did this and is only now 14 weeks after disclosure is beginning to realise that his criticism of me not being 'on the same team' as him is grossly unfair - how could I be on his team when he's busy playing with someone else (no sexual innuendo intended!!)?

What kinds of things weren't working? You say you've started to talk about them now, do you know why you didn't talk about them before?

You don't have to answer, I don't mean to interrogate you I just think the context matters.

There's a big difference between, say, feeling unloved because your partner is emotionally distant as a rule, and feeling unloved because your partner is working long hours and never around.

What is it that needs to change? If you could wave a magic wand and turn your husband into something else, what would you change?

Basically you have to think about how you would like things to be, and think about whether confessing helps get you there or not.

I know that may sound selfish but A) the EA is over and you stopped it before it went too far, B) your husband has no idea and is happy, C) you have kids and don't want to put them through tumult either. You need to be really sure that confessing will generate something positive and not just get rid of your guilt.

3HotCrossBuns if this isn't an unfairly theoretical question, do you believe that intervention/counselling/communication at the time of the first EA would have helped resolve things and potentially avoid the PA later, or just help end things sooner? I suppose in a way either outcome might have been better than the actual one.

I guess this is an argument against hiding it away, because the wanderer may always be at risk of feeling entitled (or other 'justification') again down the line. Get it all out and sort it all out now.

Yes I do believe that. H didn't necessarily have to confess to me so long as he dealt with it properly at the time rather than just sweeping it under the carpet. He is only now beginning to explore the layers of his personality, attitudes, choices etc with the help of a good counsellor, the realisation that he has made some bad choices (before he thought it was ok as no one got hurt - apart from him with the heartache bit), the effect his childhood has had on his attitudes etc. I feel like half my marriage has been a fake and its devastating.

Yes - help avoid the PA ever happening I mean.

dreamingbohemian emotional distance and some kind of power game I think. Stuff that niggled in the back of my head while we were a couple but never felt enough to confront (I'm not confrontational by nature anyway). Then with DC the whole relationship space starts to get more 'confined' iyswim and those things become more and more difficult to handle/back down from. I tried to talk, to connect with DP, to try and go to counselling. All shot down or belittled. Then hey, someone comes along that is interested in me, worried about my thoughts and feelings, makes me feel good about myself etc etc slippery slope.

Interesting you say it went too far. Yes, there was no sex but i feel like falling in love (and I mean love, not lust or infatuation - went racing through there and out the other side) feels to me like too far?

No. Don't tell, unless disclosure is unavoidable. That's just pure self-indulgence - why the hell whould your other half be made to assuage your feelings of guilt? They're not an emotional garbage bin. Have some respect for their self respect. The grief and pain to the innocent party would be indescribable.

But man up and get individual counselling ASAP. and do whatever you can to make amends for the damage you've already/are currently doing to your marriage. Admit you've emotionally 'checked out' of the relationship and and start working on it.

Sorry, you said it stopped before it went too far

lapsedpacifist did the individual counselling bit, was told repeatedly over several face to face sessions that I was justified for feeling how I did, justified for having feelings for someone else, we (DP and I) both need to work on our marriage and I need to make sure I speak up about what I want, and don't say anything about the EA.

Which at the time (ie more deeply involved in the EA) was maybe what I wanted to hear so I believed them that this was reasonable. But sounds shocking when I write it down.

Tell her.

No one gets to decide what's best for someone else. Ever. You fucked up, now you owe your spouse the choice whether to leave you or not.

Sounds to me like you are just trying to justify not telling your partner. If you don't want to tell, that's up to you, but don't try and kid yourself it's for their benefit.

The right thing to do would be to tell them and let them decide for themselves if they think the relationship is worth working on. But it's a big risk to you, so you won't do that.