Is it ever 'better' to not disclose an affair?

[JustKiddingMyself]

NC of course.

The subject title is provocative but largely sums it up. Is there ever a situation where not disclosing an affair can be justified, at all?

It's an open question but for example (and this doesn't necessarily completely describe a place I am in (though close)):

A married person and a single person have an emotional (but not physical) affair over several months. It's weak, it's wrong, and although they didn't stop before their feelings got too far, they both eventually realised it is wrong to continue on a basis of dishonesty. Both agree to stop contacting each other. The single person moves on, and the married person resolves to commit to their marriage and invest the energy and commitment that they realise (all too late) they should have thrown into their marriage in the first place.

The affair has introduced something dangerous and unstable into the marriage (which the innocent party does not know), but it has happened. If there is something that can be salvaged from the marriage, is it always 'better' for the guilty party to tell their spouse? Why would they do it - for honesty, to try and regain a bedrock for the relationship, or (sometimes) to simply avoid living with the hidden guilt? Perhaps that is the price to pay for the guilty party - to carry that burden and to not offload it?

Or, simply, if the innocent party loves their partner and is entirely happy in the marriage (though now based partly on a lie), would they actually (in every circumstance) wish to know?

Fairenuff I don't think that's entirely fair, though I can see why you'd think it. My instinct has been (on more than one occasion) to tell DP because I couldn't see how else we could move forward properly as a couple. But advice I've had in RL has been not to. I couldn't understand why, but some other posters here have articulated some genuine reasons I think.

Yes it's a risk. I think it could in all probability end our marriage. But on that basis, I would be kind of making the decision anyway (ie if I tell DP, I'm deciding to end it because I'm assuming it would end anyway). I realise I don't necessarily have the right to be the decision maker here, but upthread the response is largely that - don't tell, but work on things.

Better for whom?

Better for the one who had the affair? Probably.
Better for the marriage? Short term maybe. Long term nope.
Better for the innocent party? No. They have the right to the facts and to make their own decisions based on those facts.

Should crushes and flirting also be disclosed?

I suppose the bottom line is that it is the action, not the discovery/confession of it that has damaged the marriage. And continuing to lie/conceal continues the betrayal, puts the non-betraying spouse into the position of dupe, and leaves knowledge/power with only one partner. Those aren't great indicators for a healthy relationship.

Anything you do that you would not want your primary partner to witness and which leads to secrecy is problematic. Once you are in the habit of keeping secrets, the relationship is in trouble.

It seems your initial instinct was to tell your partner about your indiscretion but once you'd decided this was likely to end the marriage, you got cold feet and decided not to. You say RL friends have advised you against telling so are you looking for legitimate excuses on MN to help you support this advice?
You don't sound particularly remorseful and you don't seem to accept that if you do keep quiet, it will be purely for your own benefit it and not that of your partner.

Gehj I started to have doubts about telling DP when advised not to (in counselling). I think there's an irony somewhere in that not telling DP is showing them less respect than telling them (even though the latter would hurt them more).

meditrina I agree that it creates problems for the future. Let's say I say nothing, we 'fix' things (whatever that means). If there's something hidden in our relationship, if/when things ever get tricky in the future, it'll act as a wedge. Will I go to DP in the future with issues, or find solace elsewhere again? It just doesn't seem robust.

There is a good weight of posters that think I'm looking for reasons to not tell. That's not the case. The post was worded in that way, but on the basis that I didn't expect anyone to agree with it - I was expecting universal opposition. Similarly I expected my counsellor to tell me that explaining everything would be best.

Both times I have genuinely been surprised that this is not the (universal) response. I would prefer everyone to tell me that the only course of action is to explain everything, but they haven't. And honest responses are better than just hearing what I want to hear (oh the irony of writing that)

It does make sense, Back2Two.

Put another way, if one of you, years from now, were on their deathbed, could you look each other in the eyes and know this could be the point you never see each other again and still be 'happy' that their are secrets and lies between you?

That's a tough one to be content with.

What concerns me is you have posted in the 3rd person and not the first. As in, is this post about you or someone else?? (I suspect its about you), therefore, why not simply put 'I have done this/that...'. Why are you referring to your partner as 'they'?
Is it because you don't wish to acknowledge that this is about YOU. I can't believe you think not telling your partner is the right thing to do because to do so would cause them more hurt than if you kept your EA to yourself? You are scraping the barrell here looking to excuse yourself.

Relieving guilt is often considered a very selfish thing to do, so I would say no you keep it to yourself (if it is truly resolved and you now want to have the best relationship with your partner that is possible.)

Okay now I think, given your explanation of your relationship, that you should confess.

It sounds like there is quite a fundamental problem in your relationship that cannot be solved purely on your side, and I think your partner deserves to know what's happened before deciding whether or not to pour so much effort into changing the relationship.

I do think that over the course of being married for decades, it's not uncommon for people to have crushes and look for affirmation elsewhere, and sometimes it's better to just get over it and not confess. I know you say you are in love, but how can you really love someone when you can't fully share your life with them? You are not interacting in a normal way and I don't think you can fully trust your emotions in this regard. I say this from experience btw.

But in your case, it doesn't sound like someone having a fleeting crush when things are a bit low, but someone who is realising more and more that they are not happy in their relationship and there doesn't seem to be any way to improve things. That is a lot more serious, and I think you should take this EA as a sign that things cannot go on like this, and be honest with your partner about how dire things really are for you.

In your specific case, it sounds like communication is a huge problem in the relationship, and you can't fix that while withholding such important information.

I'm interested in what you say about your partner "belittling" your request for couples counselling. Was this after you realised you were in an emotional affair, or is it a reflection of pre-existing problems in the relationship? Either way, it's usual to take one's partner very seriously when they say they want to look into couples counselling. If a partner dismisses the idea out of hand, it doesn't speak well of their concern/respect for the unhappy party.

I'm wary of seeming to give you the permission you hope for, but all the same I want to raise the question of whether this may have been an appropriate 'exit affair'.

garlic, yes I am thinking the same thing

Ah, x-post with dreaming. She's right, I feel! Telling your partner ought to shock them into taking the problems seriously. You'd better be bloody careful not to even hint "You made me do it", though.

You do sound very detached from your feelings. There is no passion for your partner coming across in your posts, just a sense of grudging loyalty and responsibility.

Do you actually care if the relationship ends? I know you have said that you're not sure if the ea is ended as you might want to continue and you seem more 'involved' in the cheating relationship.

I think you should decide what you want and make that decision first. If you are going to leave your partner there is no point in telling them about the affair.

If you want to stay with your partner you should come clean and commit yourself to exploring the problems and whether you can improve the relationship together.

That's if your partner still wants you, of course.

Gehj I think I'm switching in and out of first /third person, but yes it's what I did and about me. The OP is slightly hypothetical in that isn't describes a slightly different position (probably a stronger one than I'm in) hence the third person

JustKiddingMyself,

The only terms I could think of it are like this.....years ago when my DH was unfaithful and before I had any proof I had an overwhelming gut wrenching feeling that some sort of affair was taking place. It took me many months to have hard evidence and for the truth to come spilling out in a big horrible mess. Up until that time I practically drove myself mad, I constantly asked him what was up? were we ok? Did he still love/want to be with me? etc etc I could never put my finger on what was up, but he was just different with me, sometimes loving, sometimes distant....and when I asked if he had met was seeing someone else he told me I was paranoid and insecure. Eventually I started to doubt myself and my own sanity and wonder if I really was paranoid and insecure, and for a long while (before truth was discovered) I couldn't get though the day without breaking down in tears when I was alone for even a few mins (was pregnant and hormonal).

The discovery of the truth was both liberating and very painful. Liberating because after all those months of wondering and then doubting myself and my own sanity it confirmed that I had been right all along, and that I was not going mad....though who wants be right about an affair, I didn't want to be but alas the truth told me my gut feeling was right all those months ago.

There are certainly times when I wished I had never discovered the truth, that we had never had to painfully go through details of events followed by yet more admissions of guilt. I wished most of all though that he could take it back, that it could have somehow magically not happened because I just couldn't look at him the same way anymore. I still loved him, but my heart didn't swell the same way it used to, I knew he had the capability to cause me hurt like I had never known and he had broken my trust and lost my respect. Do I wish I hadn't found out....NO I don't. All those times I just knew something was off, all those times I sat in the dark by myself wondering and doubting but never actually knowing....that was torture, and I wouldn't ever want to go through that again...ever!

So if you think your DP may have any inkling that something is off in your marriage, if he has asked you those same questions I asked my H, then he is likely in that horrible limbo land that I was in of knowing but not actually knowing for sure. It's a torturous place to be, and if that is the case then you need to talk...and not to ease your guilt, but to stop his suffering.

If you think your DP genuinely does not have any idea things are off, or any suspicions as to what has happened then I would take that as a lucky escape and use it as a wake up call to refocus yourself on your marriage. I am only saying this as knowing how painful it was for me to find out and deal with I would want to save your DP the pain, whether you can live with the guilt is another thing. However if DP suspects then please please end his torture of wondering and self doubt and tell the truth.

Hope that helps x

I have a slightly different take on this - my OH had a full on affair and told me out right (I have no idea why as he didnt seem to know what he wanted when he told me and on reflection I think he was just handing the whole sorry mess over to me to deal with). I think in life long relationships, the idea that your partner might not meet and have a connection with someone else that pulls your relationship into the spotlight, is unrealistic. The key bit is that you say you want to stay with your H. However you are not sure you can forget what you have had with this other experience and may run the risk of being resentful that its never available from H. He needs to know that you have hit a big point of re-evalutation. He probably has his own deals that hes made to stay in the marriage and he may have decided not to tell you about these. You have opened Pandoras box in a way and must now figure out how to deal with it. Do I wish my H had never told me? Impossible to say as I didnt get a chance to choose on that front. It didnt spell the end for me as I really wanted to make things work and I was also willing to consider that clearly things werent right on both sides for this to have happened.

I think you need to own your decisions - have you really decided to end it with the other person or are you 'doing the right thing' but secretly unsure that it is?

middleeastern I think "doing the right thing but secretly unsure that it is" sums it up perfectly.

Telling all, splitting up the family, being "that" person is probably the biggest anchor for me. Wanting to be with DP for the future? Not so much.

I know how harsh that sounds. If I can create stronger feelings for DP then it can maybe all work. Big if, big maybe. I know that.

You can't create stronger feelings for one person when you feel like you are in love with another.

In your mind you still want the affair.

You are just trying to convince yourself that you don't. You are not ready to break up your existing relationship. You want to have your cake and eat it.

I think if you have to talk yourself into having stronger feelings for your partner, there's not much hope really.

Maybe I'm being harsh but that's just my experience. Now with my DH, even at our worst times, I still love him fiercely. But I had long-term relationships previously where things weren't right but I stayed much longer than I should while trying to make myself feel that kind of love for the person. It never works.

I'm not sure the OP is trying to have their cake and eat it too. It looks more like trying to decide whether to be good and stick with rice cakes when you know there's yummy cake available. Sorry for the flippant analo

I'm not sure the OP is trying to have their cake and eat it too. It looks more like trying to decide whether to be good and stick with rice cakes when you know there's yummy cake available. Sorry for the flippant analogy but I think probably garlic is right about the exit affair thinking.

It really is okay to leave your marriage OP. It's a nightmare but it happens all the time and sometimes it's even for the best. My parents divorced when I was very young, they've both been remarried to other people for 30 years now.