Is it ever 'better' to not disclose an affair?

[JustKiddingMyself]

NC of course.

The subject title is provocative but largely sums it up. Is there ever a situation where not disclosing an affair can be justified, at all?

It's an open question but for example (and this doesn't necessarily completely describe a place I am in (though close)):

A married person and a single person have an emotional (but not physical) affair over several months. It's weak, it's wrong, and although they didn't stop before their feelings got too far, they both eventually realised it is wrong to continue on a basis of dishonesty. Both agree to stop contacting each other. The single person moves on, and the married person resolves to commit to their marriage and invest the energy and commitment that they realise (all too late) they should have thrown into their marriage in the first place.

The affair has introduced something dangerous and unstable into the marriage (which the innocent party does not know), but it has happened. If there is something that can be salvaged from the marriage, is it always 'better' for the guilty party to tell their spouse? Why would they do it - for honesty, to try and regain a bedrock for the relationship, or (sometimes) to simply avoid living with the hidden guilt? Perhaps that is the price to pay for the guilty party - to carry that burden and to not offload it?

Or, simply, if the innocent party loves their partner and is entirely happy in the marriage (though now based partly on a lie), would they actually (in every circumstance) wish to know?

Maybe it's more about sitting on the fence.

Wanting the security of a long term relationship, being comfortable with the routines and the set up, not quite brave enough to go it alone and take a chance which might go horribly wrong.

And yet, at the same time, wanting the excitement of a new relationship with possibilities, lack of responsibilities and the freedom to explore these new feelings with a clear conscience.

OP it sounds as if you have already checked out emotionally. Someone upthread explained in detail how they felt when they knew in their gut that something was wrong. It drove her mad trying to equate those feelings with the denial from her partner.

You yourself said that when your partner asks what's wrong, you say 'nothing'. Which is a lie. And they know you are lying and can't figure out why, or at least why you won't talk about it. So you are already treating them badly as a result of this affair.

The only way to resolve this is to either commit 100% to your existing relationship or to leave it and take your chances.

Of course, you do have a third choice which would be to be on your own for a bit to decide what you want.

I think having to live with the guilt is the price you pay for the betrayal.

I think if you want to make it work long term, then you probably do have to tell him and both of you dig deep to deal with the fall out. If you think that isn't even an option then I reckon the relationship is probably dead anyway. In which case you could not tell him, limp along for a few years and then leave.

Not meant to sound harsh, but that is one quite probable outcome.

dreamingbohemian your post was pretty gut wrenching, I think because deep down I think it's the only avenue that is true to how I feel.

I care enough about DP to not want to hurt them, and each day at a time it's less hurt to pretend than to admit. But eventually all those days will add up.

Yes Fairenuff I think there is some fence sitting. I need to stop that. So it'll be scary for me to bring this crashing down. Well, tough on me.

Sorry about the wrenching! Okay, not to be self-indulgent, but let me tell you my story and maybe it will help a little.

About 15 years ago, I was living with my boyfriend and basically engaged (he wanted to get married but was waiting for me to be 'ready'). I had always felt there was something a bit off in our relationship but he was such a great guy on paper and I attributed my feelings to my own emotional flaws. In hindsight I can see he was actually not such a great guy (will spare you the details).

About two years in I had a brief affair with a work colleague. No excuse and it was a terrible thing to do. My boyfriend did find out, but decided we should stay together. So all the problems we had were never addressed because I felt so guilty -- I was the bad guy and he was the nice guy willing to overlook my sins. So nothing changed.

I spent the next two years knowing deep down that I should leave but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I found myself starting to think a certain way about a friend, and I realised there was no hope, and we broke up. I only wish I had done so two years earlier and saved us a lot of time.

It all worked out for the best, he went on to marry a nice girl, and eventually I found my now DH, who is the absolute love of my life and my best friend.

So perhaps I am projecting, but I feel like you are a bit like me after my affair, where you can't bear to end things but you know things aren't right and probably never will be, so you just limp along. All I'm saying is that two years can go by like that, in this state. And it's just prolonging the inevitable.

So, that's why I think you should tell him. Either he will end it right away, which may be best for both of you. Or it will open up a whole new box of possibilities like counseling and really working on things, which could transform your relationship. And then you wouldn't have to convince yourself to have feelings for your partner, because they would naturally come back due to things being better.

Oh god, sorry this is so long!

Sorry, catching up.

garlicagain the belittling my request was about two years before the EA started. Not sure exactly what an 'exit affair' is, but guessing that is means you almost use it as a sign that you want to leave - ie if I have something like an affair and then disclose it, the marriage must end?

dreamingbohemian If I was in the position you were (ie no DC, not married), yes I would have left by now. Even the marriage tbh is just paper and money (ie dividing assets).

But with DC involved...I know you can't stay together just for them, but I do feel like to have to exhaust every possibility before you do split. I think the DC raise the bar for the break-up high jump. Does that make sense?

When people are in long-term relationships that undermine their confidence, they can come to feel this is the best they can hope for (especially as their partner is often telling them so.) One would wish that, instead of feeling trapped like this, everyone could find the right support to make a unilateral decision to set themselves free. We don't live in an ideal world, though, and that support can often take the shape of an affair partner - who, of course, is not unbiased. These 'exit' affairs can provide confidence, hope for a better future, and even serve the very basic function of reminding the cheater what love feels like.

Most 'exit' affairs don't last particularly long after the split. Some last a lifetime. Quite often, the previously-attached partner realises what the affair meant to them, ends the second relationship and becomes properly single at last.

It's all a bit messy, but sometimes not as messy as it looks from the outside.

Thanks garlic, that sounds pretty familiar.

Although I have said (and tbh feel) that I love my affair partner, part of me knows I can't know that for sure unless we had a proper relationship. And maybe in the end we wouldn't work together. So the point is really more that I can feel like this about someone that isn't my DP, which must show something is seriously wrong.

And the hurt I feel now that the other person is trying to move on (as I have told them I can't leave while there might be something left to salvage in the marriage) might actually be the fear that if this window closes, I might not have another 'catalyst' to wake myself up to the state of my marriage again

(for the record this is the first time this has ever happened or even been close to happening. Have been with DP for 15 years)

I agree DC raise the bar for splitting up, but if you're at the point where they are really the only reason you're staying then I don't see how much hope there is tbh.

For me, the 'needing to exhaust all possibilities' scenario would be something like you do still love your partner but you've grown apart or have becoming really incompatible, and if you were single you would reluctantly leave but because of the kids you make an extra effort to find a way to improve things.

It sounds like you don't even love your DP anymore. And that's fine, it happens. But you have to be realistic about what that means for the concept of exhausting all possibilities.

The person who has been unfaithful should never unload their guilt onto the partner. As they say, ignorance is bliss why spoil that? If the injuring party feels guilt then that is the price they must pay. Suck it up and move on; unless she wants to end the marrage, then tell the spouse destroy the relationship and move on.

Isn't it quite simple, you tell the other party what you are thinking and feeling otherwise you have a dark gulf of secrecy between you.

What's the point of not saying? If you want a shared life to work it needs to be a shared life. I really don't understand why honesty seems so hard for so many people?

I think apprenticemum and daytoday have summed up perfectly the dichotomy of responses for the original thread question.

"But with DC involved...I know you can't stay together just for them, but I do feel like to have to exhaust every possibility before you do split. I think the DC raise the bar for the break-up high jump. Does that make sense?"

There is another option when you have exhauseted others. Co-parenting. You agree amicably to split because things aren't working and then either agree to bring up your DC together 50/50 whilst living separately or increasingly separate your lives whilst living together(maybe you will have to buy a new place that will allow this set-up). Obviously the second scenario will not work if your DH is adamant he doesn't want to split but if you come to a mutual agreement it can be done.

I know of a couple of examples in real life. (Plus Duke and Duchess of York!) It might unravel later if either of you meet someone else but it will give you more time to decide what to do.

Is the onus on you to exhaust even more possibilities, though? When you told your partner We Need To Talk and said you felt counselling would be good, your partner dismissed your concerns and 'belittled' your suggestion of counselling. This was a partner who wasn't remotely interested in possibilities; who closed down your legitimate options. In my opinion, this was a massive crime against your dignity and certainly not an act of love.

So you found yourself exploring a non-legitimate option. I am worried by your idea that your (ex) affair partner may have been your one and only shot at freedom. It's not like that, OP, your life is YOUR life, no-one else's - except, partially, your children's - and you make it for yourself. It's flexible, almost infinitely adaptable. You do not have to ricochet between two intimate partners.

But, yes, as this day reaches its close I feel it's better that you tell your co-parent the relationship's over. They may well, now, be ready to engage in counselling and I'd recommend that. It can help enormously with negotiating a break-up.

Then see how things go with your other (ex) partner.

garlic, nomnew coparenting is definitely something I've been thinking about lately. If nothing else I know we both love our DC immensely and would give them all our energies.

DP has agreed to counselling within the last week (after talks got very serious). Can't get an appointment with anyone till a week Friday, and it's hard to keep going until then (and I might be placing too much hope on that first session). But I'm determined to so we can give it a try. This does take us full circle though to the original point about hiding or disclosing an EA...

Do you think so? I can't hear anything in what you say that takes us back there. Only if you are determined to grit your teeth and stick it out.

I would hide the EA at the moment. Wait until the first counselling session and see how you feel after that. If you decide to make things work, revealing the EA will probably cause damage that might be difficult to repair and loss of basic trust etc. If you decide to split it may make the split less amicable and things difficult for your DC in the future (as there may be more of an atmosphere between you).

However, if you do decide you want to split and your DH won't accept it or if he demands a reason/explanation, it may force your hand to disclose.

I do agree that you shouldn't reveal in order to offload any guilt though.

Actually I do agree with Nomnew that there is no point in telling if you decide to split and no rush on anything

Tbh if it were me, going for counselling with my dh, to try and resolve any issues in our relationship, honesty would be of paramount importance.

What is the point of counselling if you are hiding such an important piece of information from your partner. It just makes it a farce.

I'm approaching it (counselling and talking about the EA) on the basis that I won't avoid the question if it's asked of me, but also in the expectation that the counsellor is unlikely to ask that sort of question (and would at most take the conversation somewhere close and perhaps let us volunteer anything). We'll see what happens.

Thanks all for your opinions and advice so far, and support too. Didn't expect any of that given the circumstances, but I need to stop underestimating the sage heads on MN

If you don't tell your partner, you may survive but you will never ever breach the gulf between you. The deceit will lie always between you and undermine any intimacy you might grasp.

If you do tell your partner you may split and perhaps find the relationship you need in the future. Or you don't split and find the relationship you want with him.

By not saying what you are experiencing you are only cheating yourself. Truth isn't a burden.

I won't avoid the question if it's asked of me, but also in the expectation that the counsellor is unlikely to ask that sort of question

And what will that achieve? That's the daftest suggestion I've heard.

What if your wife asks if you've ever cheated on her - you will be completely unprepared and will have to either blurt it all out or outright lie to her face.

What about when she said, what's wrong and you said, nothing. Is that what you're going to do if the counsellor asks what's wrong. Lie again?

You haven't thought this through sensibly. You don't want to make a decision because you don't want to take responsibility for the outcome.

Sorry, some posters are responding as if you are male and some female, as you haven't made this clear, but you get what I mean, it works both ways.

I know someone who told his best friend that his (bf) wife was having an affair. The affair was long since over and the person the wife had had the affair with was no longer around. I said that I didn't see the point in telling him about it but he thought otherwise. It destroyed the bf's marriage and mental health. He lost his job and was in a difficult place for a number of years.

It would have been better if the wife had told her dh but the friend didn't give her the option (ie he didn't tell her that he knew).

It's the deceit that hurts the most. The longer the deceit goes on, the longer the injured party feels that they have been living a lie.