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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit fuck bollocks

77 replies

GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 10:55

Blah blah NCer, DH knows my usual name on here. Don't think he'd snoop, but still.

So me and DH have been on/off for months, since before our DS was born. Few months ago we decided to end the relationship, and I was making steps to splitting up.

Long story short, I have no access to our money (because I'm a grade A twat who decided not to take on board anything I'd ever read on here). We are both on benefits because of health problems, and because the benefits system is a mess they will not let us have 2 separate claims, so the joint claim goes into his bank account. Which I do not know passwords or PIN for. I used to have access, but he's changed accounts.

He was meant to be transferring money to my account, but hasn't.

I've been trying to get my benefits paid separately, but as we live together they wont. And of course I can't move out without any money. Fucking stupid system.

And now to make matters worse I've just found out I'm pregnant (yes I used contraception, no it obviously didn't work) and I'm torn between getting an abortion because it makes practical sense, and not because I'd hate myself.

Of course now he wants to play happy families again. Bearing in mind he was the one who ended it the last 5 times (and then begged to try again every time).

And it's not as simple as just saying no. The last pregnancy I had severe hyperemesis, I spent large chunks of it in hospital. I was physically incapable of looking after myself. I'm terrified it's going to be the same this time. I'm already very unwell, but have no idea if it's going to be limited to the first trimester or not.

I can barely sit up without being sick, and have had to take regular breaks from writing this. I am totally reliant on other people.

My family doesn't live locally, in fact I barely know anyone locally. Just DH. I suggested us splitting up and me moving back near family (one hour's drive away) but DH has told me that he'll fight for sole custody of DS if that's the case, and will use my mental health problems (depression, self harm) against me. Thing is, I know I can fight back and use his against him and win, but all it will achieve is to put DS (and now new baby) in the middle of it.

I don't know how to get away in a way that is good for me and wont mean DCs getting hurt in the middle.

OP posts:
Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 10:56

Forgot to add. We are in a top floor flat, I have mobility issues, hence why he isn't moving out. I'd be in real trouble in this flat on my own.

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 08/08/2013 10:59

I think if you live together then the benefits system will see you as a 'couple'-

especially if you are pregnant

swallowedAfly · 08/08/2013 10:59

um... ok, not giving advice here but quite clearly another baby is the last thing you need right now.

it is also clear that that decision is the first thing that needs to be made.

obviously a lot of other stuff to entangle too.

escape · 08/08/2013 11:02

Yes, agree with SAF - decide on the baby business.
You are saying you cannot really look after yourself currently.. add anther mite into the equation.
You need the clearest head possible to tackle your other issues.

Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:03

saf I know. Practically I know an abortion would fix this. I just can't do it though :(

OP posts:
Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:04

"You are saying you cannot really look after yourself currently"

Ah, I've confused this haven't I? I can look after DS (and another one) on my own as long as I'm somewhere ground floor. The reason I can't even look after myself right now is because of the sickness (which will obviously go once I'm not pregnant)

OP posts:
Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:05

I was so close to walking away. So damn close.

OP posts:
Doha · 08/08/2013 11:10

Just go. Don't let the pregnancy stop you. Move a bit closer to family and get support there.

Tiredemma · 08/08/2013 11:14

But you have no access to money either do you? (unless I'm not reading your OP correctly)

Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:16

No, not at the moment.

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 08/08/2013 11:17

This reply has been deleted

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hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2013 11:22

Speak to your family and get them to come and get you.
Move out and get yourself with loving family and friends.
That would be my first move.
Then open a bank account and go to CAB and council and get your own benefits sorted out.
You can do this.

Tiredemma · 08/08/2013 11:23

Even without a new baby thrown into the mix, this all sounds a bit shit.

No access to money, stuck on the top floor of a block of flats with mobility problems, no local family.......

let him try and get sole custody- typical threatening behaviour from wankers who want to control.

Call his bluff- leave him- what the hell have you got to lose?????

clam · 08/08/2013 11:23

Have you actually asked him for access to the bank accounts? And if so, what is his reasoning for not handing it over?

Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:23

It's not even slightly ideal. A lot of the time I wish my existing DS wasn't here to be stuck in the middle. I keep hoping to miscarry because then I wont have to choose to end it.

He does know.

He cancelled the HV from when DS was born because he didn't like them. I'm meant to be seeing a therapist from a local women's centre in 2 weeks though.

I'd just like the benefits system to not make it so hard to walk away. As it is I'm stuck in a catch 22.

OP posts:
Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:25

clam Apparently I can't be trusted with money because I was in debt when we first got together (I'd been made redundant from 2 jobs in a row) and haven't paid it off yet.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 08/08/2013 11:27

how pregnant are you now?

Original poster
GenerationTerrorist · 08/08/2013 11:30

Not sure, I only found out on Monday, and I doubt I'm more than 7 weeks. But irregular periods mean I wasn't paying too much attention to when my last one was.

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 08/08/2013 11:32

This is a very abusive relationship GT. perhaps not in a physical sense but certainly financially- and stopping the HV from visiting????????

swallowedAfly · 08/08/2013 11:33

ok so you need to make a decision now really. if you do decide not to keep this pregnancy you won't even need surgery at this stage. you can't afford to take your time over this decision or just pretend it isn't happening to avoid making a decision.

if i was you i'd go into the job centre and ask to speak to their domestic abuse expert and go through exactly what is happening due to the benefits being paid into his account and ask them what they can do.

but you have to decide about this pregnancy.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2013 11:34

I think you will have to move out in order to make a separate claim if that's what the DWP say. If you think you will go through endless angst over an abortion then don't do it. And I would ignore his threats for the time being. Could you ask your GP to be referred to somebody who could help and give advice.

Spottypurse · 08/08/2013 11:39

I agree with SwallowedAFly - you need to decide about the pregnancy first and foremost. And then get on the case about the rest of it. It sounds awful for you.

piratecat · 08/08/2013 11:40

are you both on the tenancy.

if you are living together you can't as you know claim separately.

would it be worth going to the job centre to tell them you have no access to the joint money, is it income support?

is it ESA?

paperpixel · 08/08/2013 11:43

I'm guessing your benefits should be made up of different elements, probably ESA/JSA, Child tax credits and child benefits (and perhaps housing/council tax help as well) - could you contact HMRC to get the child ben and tax credits paid into your account at least? DWP are frustrating to deal with but I've found HMRC much easier. I was able to change my bank details for child benefit online (but still in my name, probably a bit harder if you're switching from his bank to yours, not sure what kind of proof you need). But that would give you access to some cash at least.

myroomisatip · 08/08/2013 11:44

What hellsbellsmelons said.

You need to get out somehow. Please. He is very abusive. You will be fine on your own with the support of your family. I am shocked that he wont allow a HV.

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