Shit fuck bollocks

[GenerationTerrorist]

Blah blah NCer, DH knows my usual name on here. Don't think he'd snoop, but still.

So me and DH have been on/off for months, since before our DS was born. Few months ago we decided to end the relationship, and I was making steps to splitting up.

Long story short, I have no access to our money (because I'm a grade A twat who decided not to take on board anything I'd ever read on here). We are both on benefits because of health problems, and because the benefits system is a mess they will not let us have 2 separate claims, so the joint claim goes into his bank account. Which I do not know passwords or PIN for. I used to have access, but he's changed accounts.

He was meant to be transferring money to my account, but hasn't.

I've been trying to get my benefits paid separately, but as we live together they wont. And of course I can't move out without any money. Fucking stupid system.

And now to make matters worse I've just found out I'm pregnant (yes I used contraception, no it obviously didn't work) and I'm torn between getting an abortion because it makes practical sense, and not because I'd hate myself.

Of course now he wants to play happy families again. Bearing in mind he was the one who ended it the last 5 times (and then begged to try again every time).

And it's not as simple as just saying no. The last pregnancy I had severe hyperemesis, I spent large chunks of it in hospital. I was physically incapable of looking after myself. I'm terrified it's going to be the same this time. I'm already very unwell, but have no idea if it's going to be limited to the first trimester or not.

I can barely sit up without being sick, and have had to take regular breaks from writing this. I am totally reliant on other people.

My family doesn't live locally, in fact I barely know anyone locally. Just DH. I suggested us splitting up and me moving back near family (one hour's drive away) but DH has told me that he'll fight for sole custody of DS if that's the case, and will use my mental health problems (depression, self harm) against me. Thing is, I know I can fight back and use his against him and win, but all it will achieve is to put DS (and now new baby) in the middle of it.

I don't know how to get away in a way that is good for me and wont mean DCs getting hurt in the middle.

You won't get separate benefits unless you leave, pregnant or not.

So leave. You will get help and DS won't have to be in the middle of all this. I know he's threatened you but he's clearly talking out of his arse. I've had depression more than once, been admitted to hospital with it and used to self harm and no one took DS away from me despite all that. I'd seek advice but it sounds like an empty threat thrown at you by a pathetic man.

(and obviously by staying DS is in the middle, because this is an abusive relationship and he's exposed to it).

tbh i'm shocked that refusing a health visitor doesn't flag you up for a visit from SS.

Thank you everyone. I'm just so worried about DS being caught in the crossfire.

Have just been on the phone to my aunt, we've agreed that this can't go on, and I've been assured that family will rally around to help. She's calling my dad now.

saf It did. SS were involved, especially as I was doing badly after my mum died.

and what did they do/how did things end with them? is there someone who you can call there for further support or just signed off from them?

i know this doesn't help you but i do hope anyone reading in an even vaguely similar situation takes heed of the importance of not becoming financially fucked by allowing someone else control over everything.

I am not saying you need to claim separately btw, just that the child tax credits can still be under a joint claim but paid into your account rather than your dh's. (Actually, strictly speaking, DWP/HMRC do allow separate claims if you're separated and living together but it is better and easier to be living apart, because it can open you up to allegations of fraud.)

Report changes for child benefit (can be done online) and child tax credit (on phone).

Agree - you need to look at moving out ASAP and think about the baby business

swallowed - why on earth would refusing a health visitir visit flag you for a visit by social services . I refused visits by mine after she consistently did not turn up - without letting me know beforehand or even contacting me after to discuss/ apologise. No one batted an eyelid. My GP refused visits too on the basis that she knew what she was doing and the HV's time was better spent with people who wanted/needed the service.

It is not a compulsory service.

GT - If you've had a SS referral (obviously for other reasons in addition to not seeing the HV), do you still have a SS contact you can speak to for help

when the hv can probably clearly see that the relationship is dodgy, the woman is trapped in a top floor flat with mobility probs and it is the man refusing to let her come it would - and did - flag a response.

It's got to be in conjunction with other concerns - I would not like someone to read this thread and think that, in isolation, not seeing a HV leads to an automatic referral to SS as it doesn't

no, if it is clearly the woman's choice and there are no other concerns it wouldn't. by the sounds of this situation though i doubt it would be possible to make a hv think all was fine and dandy and the refusal would be another red flag.

God op, being harsh here , but take the help from your aunt and dad and stop letting things be done to you. You've got yourself pregnant in a crappy relationship: the benefits system obviously sees you as a couple til you leave, so leave. In six months time you will be so much better off emotionally. With family on board you could probably look at working and never be in this mess again.

Agree swallowed. OP - sorry if I detailed your thread there a bit.

However, I do think it would be worth contacting your SS contact (if you still have one)

saf I read on here so many times not to be financially dependent, and thought it wouldn't happen to me. I was so wrong.

SS signed us off, I could probably find a contact number for them, shall have a look.

Dad called, I'm telling DH tonight that we aren't working and I want to separate, if he takes it calmly we'll get things rolling. If he doesn't then dad and my brother will come get me. I hope he takes it calmly, but I'm not holding my breath.

rightsofwomen.org

they should give free advice

I think you'd be very unfair to bring a baby into this mess. Sorry but I do.

why risk it then? why not just have your dad and brother come pick you up and tell him when they're there?

Get your brother and dad to come to the house whilst you tell him. Don't tell him with no support if you're scared he'll be violent.

even if you don't think he will be physically violent why put yourself through abuse, shouting or god knows what unnecessarily. if you really mean it that it's over then i don't see why you don't just go rather than have a discussion. if on the other hand you're hoping he'll say the magic words and all will be well....

Actually move in with your parents, not just move near them. You may well need every bit of their help that they are able to give you.

I despair. really.

at your own utter lack of empathy and compassion? me too.

I agree with Gobbolin and Swallowed - don't tell him on your own. Do you even need to tell him - just go with your dad and your brother.