Shit fuck bollocks

[GenerationTerrorist]

Blah blah NCer, DH knows my usual name on here. Don't think he'd snoop, but still.

So me and DH have been on/off for months, since before our DS was born. Few months ago we decided to end the relationship, and I was making steps to splitting up.

Long story short, I have no access to our money (because I'm a grade A twat who decided not to take on board anything I'd ever read on here). We are both on benefits because of health problems, and because the benefits system is a mess they will not let us have 2 separate claims, so the joint claim goes into his bank account. Which I do not know passwords or PIN for. I used to have access, but he's changed accounts.

He was meant to be transferring money to my account, but hasn't.

I've been trying to get my benefits paid separately, but as we live together they wont. And of course I can't move out without any money. Fucking stupid system.

And now to make matters worse I've just found out I'm pregnant (yes I used contraception, no it obviously didn't work) and I'm torn between getting an abortion because it makes practical sense, and not because I'd hate myself.

Of course now he wants to play happy families again. Bearing in mind he was the one who ended it the last 5 times (and then begged to try again every time).

And it's not as simple as just saying no. The last pregnancy I had severe hyperemesis, I spent large chunks of it in hospital. I was physically incapable of looking after myself. I'm terrified it's going to be the same this time. I'm already very unwell, but have no idea if it's going to be limited to the first trimester or not.

I can barely sit up without being sick, and have had to take regular breaks from writing this. I am totally reliant on other people.

My family doesn't live locally, in fact I barely know anyone locally. Just DH. I suggested us splitting up and me moving back near family (one hour's drive away) but DH has told me that he'll fight for sole custody of DS if that's the case, and will use my mental health problems (depression, self harm) against me. Thing is, I know I can fight back and use his against him and win, but all it will achieve is to put DS (and now new baby) in the middle of it.

I don't know how to get away in a way that is good for me and wont mean DCs getting hurt in the middle.

OP, just get your dad to come and pick you up now flower. Pack a bag and leave. You can then ring dipshit tonight and tell him you've already finished this relationship. You don't need to ask his permission to leave you know Then you can get the ball rolling on sorting yourself out x

"You are saying you cannot really look after yourself currently"

Ah, I've confused this haven't I? I can look after DS (and another one) on my own as long as I'm somewhere ground floor. The reason I can't even look after myself right now is because of the sickness (which will obviously go once I'm not pregnant)

OP - I wasn't clear, apols. Your response was what I meant, yes.

Because he has my son with him. :( I don't wan to go to dad's without him.

He just called and did his whole sighing, "I'm not very happy with you" thing. So I told him it wasn't working. His response "so I look after you and after DS and get nothing in return?" then slammed down the phone.

Actually I have plenty of compassion and empathy. In spades. But I also believe in taking responsibility for yourself, and not relying on / expecting the state to fund you, despite that fact that you are still living with your partner (and are pregnant by him - hard to argue you are not together when you are 7 weeks pregnant ? ) and bringing more children you cant afford (or actually look after by the sounds of it) into a crappy abusive relationship.

lemon Which bit of on/off relationship flummoxed you darling? Or contraception failure? Would you prefer I was given an abortion against my will?

well she is trying to get out of the relationship and when the babies are older may well support herself properly but cant just now until she gets away from the asshole and is asking for support to get away not for naughty naught benefit claimant chants. She is trying to get out of it hence posting here. op wait until he brings the ds back and act all nicey until you relatives come and collect you > this could be over this evening this could be the last day of this shitty life for you. everything can only get better if you leave him. and even if you have the new baby they are not small forever you still have a future keep the baby or not. don't let anyone discourage you from leaving and getting a better future.

Look, for full infos sake.

I have limited mobility which makes stairs an issue, but which doesn't stop me feeding/clothing/caring for my DC(s). Hence the top floor flat being an issue.

I am waiting on treatment which is slow in coming. Not my fault. It's taken this long to find a doctor who actually does more than shrug and tell me to live with it. So hopefully I will not be stuck this way for the rest of my life, I plan not to be. I'm also putting energy into skills that I can use to earn a living safely from home. I'm hardly sat here enjoying being on benefits, it sucks, I hate it. I miss earning. And I'm sure that must surprise you that I actually used to be a "hard working taxpayer" until my health went downhill.

Now lose the judgey pants before they throttle you. Because only luck separates you from a life of benefits.

Thank you timid

I hope so. Worried he's going to refuse to bring DS back now though.

just call him and tell him any old stuff he wants to hear, like I don't want to leave I just felt a bit down please come back and we will have a nice evening and once he comes back with ds leave it a little half hour and let your relatives knock at the door and out you go.

really he cannot keep ds away too long he eventually has to come back and if telling him a load of nonsense about how much you want and need him and lets talk for a bit will make him come back quicker its worth a shot. If I felt as desperate as you I would even act fine all evening and once he is asleep get family to get you in middle of the night.

its not impossible, its just feels like it, I wish you luck and will check this thread later. Men like this just get worse as they get older.

On the money front, seek advice immediately.
Contact the social and outline your situation, so that they are aware even if they won't act.
Contact citizen a advice and the SS, anybody that you can make aware that you are being financially abused by this man.

Just had MIL on the phone, DH has obviously told her to call. Luckily she knows what he's like, and can see what I've been dealing with, but I doubt he'll listen to her either.

What

She is trying to get out of it Lemon & that attitude has never been and will never be useful to those trying to leave an abusive relationship. Oh and not every unwanted pregnancy is because of irresponsibility. Contraception fails and abortions are not something you should undergo if you really don't want to, as it's much harder to deal with if you didn't actually want one (but did it because of timing/pressure etc).

Hope you find a way to get to your family with DS asap op

Is he bringing ds back op ? What did MIL actually say?

She didn't say whether DS would be coming back, mostly she said "mm" and "yes, I see what you mean" and "oh". Which I took to mean she agreed with me but that he was in the background.

She's also been stuck on the sharp end of DH's temper, and seen for herself his need to be martyr. So she knows. Don't envy her now. He was obviously expecting her to call me up and change my mind.

Excellent news, OP, that you have decided to leave this abusive man.

Agree with TimidLivid that if you're at all worried he won't bring DS back, it's worth pretending it's all fine: "You're right; you do a lot for us and I do appreciate it; I just felt sick and took it out on you." Or whatever, till you've got your DS safely with you.

It's not nice behaviour in normal life, but best to play your cards close to your chest when dealing with a man like this.

Oh yes, absolutely, tell him what CharlotteCollinsismovingon has suggested to get your DS back, and then you can put your plan in to action. And please do not feel guilty about "lying" - after every thing he has put you through? Yeah right, as if he deserves "nice" behaviour. Just consider it part of your escape plan OP x

I would never judge a woman who was perfectly set up to have a baby yet couldn't face going through with it, and it's just as wrong to judge someone who is in the opposite situation.

Congrats OP

I hope it all goes well and everything settles down soon.

On the subject of an abortion and what you said about hoping to miscarry so you don't have to make a decision.

This is hard to admit, but for years I hoped my (EA) H would die so that I would be free without having to make a decision I thought I'd be condemned for. I recognised that I was in a situation I couldn't handle, but it is only recently I've realised that walking away is a choice I can make. I'm suddenly so thankful that divorce exists! Which may make me sound loony.

You do have a choice, too. Neither option looks great. But it is your choice.

just ignore twatface on the thread and get the hell away from twatface in your life any way you have to. yes, yes to lying, cajoling, whatever it takes to get your ds back tonight and out of there with you and your family.

Could you give the baby up for adoption?

Can you use the time while he is gone to get all your important documents and clothes together. When someone comes to get you you are all ready to leave. Think carefully about your choices.

First off, although difficult, of course you can claim separately, so off to the CAB with on that one.

Secondly, see if you can get either him out or somewhere for you and the children to go, perhaps a refuge?

Thirdly, once that is done, only speak to him about access to the children, if he tried to talk to you about anything else, put the phone down or walk away.

How's it going today OP?
Any progress or update.
I hope you got your son back.
Let us know how you are getting on.