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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Angry!!!!! Confused!!!!

17 replies

merrimug · 06/08/2013 15:20

Ok. Long story short. Been with OH for a year. I'm 43 with 2 boys aged 12 and 9, he is 45 no kids never been married. He has had LTR's.
He hasn't met kids yet as neither of us feel ready as my boys took the split from their dad very hard. OH has own property no mortgage and had just decided he's off to America for a year, coming back every few months to buy and sell classic cars. I'm fine with this and the other thing is he has asked if I will rent his house from him whilst he is in USA.
The only thing is is he seems to be a tad commitment phobic. Oh and doesn't listen. Lol
Also he gets shirty when I ring and if he doesn't answer or return the call I get very insecure and need to know why. (My insecurity is my downfall). For example I rang him last night and he didn't answer but messaged me to say he was with a friend. So up until 1pm today is heard nothing so rang him and left voicemail. He then rang back really grumpy and told me I shouldn't ask questions and should stop being silly and acting like a child. Then said what did I want. Just blatant. I felt really angry as this has happens a few times. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 06/08/2013 15:24

He isn't committed to you and it's a good job that your ds's haven't been introduced to him.

He sounds quite twattish and you're not over reacting at all.

Swing his hook over to the States and forget about him.

You're not renting off him are you?

HeySoulSister · 06/08/2013 15:25

no I don't think you are. its not really a relationship though is it?

Jan45 · 06/08/2013 15:27

Sorry but it sounds to me like he is defo not looking for anything long term and it's coming out in his spitefulness to you, no need. Stop ringing him, that would help! What kind of things are you asking him, he maybe feels like you are checking up on him, it sounds like it. Sorry not sure what else to say to this.

It sounds like quite a casual relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2013 15:28

This is no relationship at all is it?. Is this really worth continuing?

What on earth do you get from this exactly?. He sounds like yet another selfish and self absorbed man who sees you as someone who will do for now. Its all on his terms and now he wants you to rent his house from him. He probably sees you as a right mug and certainly does not respect you at all.

You think he is commitment phobic, I would argue that he is completely commitment phobic and that is the reason why at 45 he has had a series of long term relationships. All the other women have got fed up with him.

Am only glad he has not met your children. I would not be wanting them to meet him either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2013 15:29

I would be looking at my own self carefully here and working out exactly what you have learnt about relationships to date. It may be that you will and need to completely reassess your whole approach to relationships otherwise you leave yourself exposed to more low lifes and users like this particular individual.

Original poster

merrimug · 06/08/2013 15:46

Hi, no, not renting as of yet. Really true in what you say though. But I'm hanging on and I don't know why? I'm a strong person but he seems to have got under my skin. I'm pissed off with myself as deep down I know it's not right. Grrr! xxxx (hmm)

OP posts:

Original poster

merrimug · 06/08/2013 15:47

OP posts:

Original poster

merrimug · 06/08/2013 15:50

Thanks for being honest. It's appreciated. I need to break it off. Gathering strength as I type! :)

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2013 15:51

You probably are hanging on in there thinking that with time and your love, he will change for the better. Wrong on all counts there I am sorry to say, such men do not change. He has remained unmarried at 45 because he wants to. He sees you as someone who will do for now.

Why are your sights so low relationship wise?. You do not have to be this svenglai's muse you know. I would also read up on codependency and see if any of that fits as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2013 15:52

Break it off with this person and take time out to love your own self for a change. Learn from this experience, do not repeat it!!.

Somethingyesterday · 06/08/2013 15:57

OP you described him as your OH at the top of the thread. Is that what you meant to write? Are you actually married?

If not, to be blunt, it sounds as if he just wanted a reliable tenant for his property while he's travelling and carrying in with his single life.

Jan45 · 06/08/2013 16:00

Have to disagree that if you are not married by 45 it means you are commitment phobic, I'm in my forties and never been married, I'm on my 3rd relationship of 11 years, previous two were 13 and 10, does that make me a commitment phobic? I don't think so.

I think he's unsure of a future with you two and your constant checking up on him is not helping, have you actually said you want more commitment? He's off to America for a year and you are fine with this - so what is it exactly you want from him?

Original poster

merrimug · 06/08/2013 16:04

Not OH. BF. if that? Lol
I AM hanging there hoping it will improve. Re the codependency thing, I'm about to start counselling to see why I have no self esteem. Was with ds's dad for 13 years and he never said he loved me. Hmmm. Don't get me wrong I'm intelligent and have good friends/family and if a girlfriend told me this I'd urge her to leave. :( xxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

merrimug · 06/08/2013 16:07

I want to be with him but he has previously said he doesn't want to be on love. He said he's not looking to date anyone else but sees commitment as marriage/engagement. We have fun and he is very very tactile which is new to me as ex was not at all tactile. He is generous and can be very caring, but there is a side I'm not sure of. Xxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

merrimug · 06/08/2013 16:13

Attila The Meercat! I've just dipped a toe into codependency on google. It described me. Sunday he was hungover so who drove up to his and cooked breakfast? Oh. That'll be me. I sort out loads of stuff and help him in any way I can! As I want his approval. He is def a narcissist. I knew that ages ago. It doesn't look good does it? :/

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 06/08/2013 16:23

It's all very well not to want commitment or marriage or whatever if your partner is perfectly happy with that arrangement. The OP isn't and neither would most people. Fair enough while he is in the UK if the relationship suits you both. But who is it suiting when he goes to the USA for a year. I don't think you should rent his house as a favour to him unless it would massively suit you to do so. And then what happens after his year away. Would you stay.

Jan45 · 06/08/2013 16:58

It's only been a year!

Tbh OP, I can see his irritation with your constant dependancy on him, ie, phoning him again if you don't hear by a certain time. I think you need to stop that and find other things to occupy your mind with. If living in his home means it suits you, ie, cheap rent, handy for work/schools etc then go for it.

12 months is really not an awful long time, why not wait and see, everything will probably change anyway when he goes the USA - will you get a couple of holidays then? What I mean is, chill a bit, try and enjoy what comes, if, after say another 12 months you feel he is stalling then maybe you do need to move on.

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