How do I tell dh I don't fancy him anymore?

[Repetitiverobot]

Well here goes...dh and I have been together for 12 years now and obviously both changed a lot over this time. We've been married 8 years and have 2 dc.
My problem at the moment is I no longer find my dh physically attractive. I'm not expecting him to be the buff 20 something he was when we met but his weight has been creeping up over the years to the point where he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I really don't want to sound like a cow but I've tried to stay in shape (for him as well as me) I'm slim, I exercise (despite working too) and I'm pretty well toned. I feel really mean, but I sit and watch him eating crisps and choc etc and it just makes me sit there and get angry inside.
I have tried a few times to broach the subject and used his parents health as a point. (Mum very overweight and dad has heart issues!) I know he's not happy with it too and does try every now and then. And does loose a bit, then just puts it on again. He can generally loose weight fairly easily which is annoying. He just says he doesn't drink, smoke so choc etc are his thing.
He's a good guy, works hard and i know has a stressful job. hes also gets quite sensitive, so I can't just say it how it's is, even in a nice way. he takes any slight negative as a big deal. But it's starting to really bother me now. He's a member of a gym and goes now and then, but he always has an excuse not to go. I hate excercise so do it once a week but am more aware of what i eat in between, unlike dh. I've suggested he goes on a weekend, and maybe 1 evening per week. I've not ever stopped him going he just doesn't want to.
I know it's sounding like I'm moaning but I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't like it either as he mentions it when putting on clothes, that his belly is big.
I'm finding I have no desire towards him sexually despite him wanting to (this causes a lot of rows about frequency etc) but I just don't find him appealing anymore. I have tried to look past it and hope that if we do it more ill get my mojo back but it's not happening.
Not to sound conceited but I'm a fairly ok looking women and do get the odd look now and then, I just wish he'd try and make an effort for me, you know??
Am I being unreasonable? How do I handle this??
On the flip side to add a bit of perspective, if I ask him for an honest opinion on how I look I get it . To the point when I was carrying weight after the kids he'd honestly tell me (if I asked) that my bum was big etc, so he will tell me but CANNOT take the same level of honesty back.

Do you know the thing that fucks me off about these conversations.

Noone ever starts them because their partner hasn't read a book for 5 years, or has no idea what's going on in the news.

It's an obsession with appearance over all else. So yes, you might see a fat person as lazy etc, I tend to find people prioritising appearance or fitness in a relationship as vain & uninteresting.

Am off to start a campaign to promote 'intellectual fitness'

Lemis I'll be your friend

"Noone ever starts them because their partner hasn't read a book for 5 years, or has no idea what's going on in the news.

It's an obsession with appearance over all else. So yes, you might see a fat person as lazy etc, I tend to find people prioritising appearance or fitness in a relationship as vain & uninteresting."

I agree that people are overly obsessed with appearance and it is boring to obsess over every kilo or detail of six pack. However a vital component of "fancying" for most people is appearance. If that changes dramatically, it is reasonable to not fancy someone. And, if someone does put on a lot of weight, it is much harder to be active and fun.

I suspect that few keen readers suddenly stop reading or lose interest in the news. On the other hand, fitness is something that can fluctuate dramatically overly people's lives.

neveronasunday - thanks

larry, im a keen reader but often get lazy about it. both my partner and I have put on weight - I still fancy him, not in the phwoooarr i need to get your trousers off now sort of way, but then who does after 20 years? We do however have a good sex life and i often catch myself thinking, ooh, he really is gorgeous.

Whenever someone points out that life is different for men and women and they each face different hurdles, they get accused of being patronising towards women. It's a typical silencing tactic and not a very good one either. But I'm happy for people to cling to the belief that people just need to eat less and move more without stopping to think about why people don't do just that. It's exactly the same mentality that says, "well why don't the poor just get better paid jobs." Fortunately, my friends and family - who come in all shapes and sizes - think more deeply than that, show some compassion, and I would far rather have them in my life than a thin person who thinks all fat people are just lazy.

I think the idea of being interesting as a person( and reading books or having other intellectual interests) is different from being overweight and therefore not being sexually attractive to your long term partner anymore.

It's what's changed that is the key to the OP's thread.

If someone who was into reading married a person who was an avid reader when they met,( and therefore they had a shared interest) but then their partner stopped reading, it would be valid to complain that they had lost some of their connection.

Both scenarios come under the ' he/ she is not the person I married any more and they don't 'do ' it for me like they used to'

No Dahlen that's twisting my point- and I assume it is my point you are posting about!

What I found patronising about your post was the way you appeared to say that women are unable to control their lives because they are busier than men, on the whole.

I don't believe this is the case and most women I know who have children work part time, they have more time on their hands than their partners who often leave the house for work at 7 am and get home at 8pm.

If you are a 'visual' person I can see how this would bother you.

If you tell him you are very likely to upset him, and he will or won't lose the weight dependant on his own choices. He might decide the weight he wishes to lose includes you.
If you love him and you want to be with him then be supportive. Self esteem can be the most important factor with weight issues, among other things.
Could you ask him to help you, say something like you have challenges the kids to a healthy living month or similar. Set up family swimming etc. give him an option to join in instead if pressure. He might be embarrassed to go on his own or doesn't want to say he is trying to lose weight in case he doesn't get results quickly enough. He may already be feeling judged, which is unlikely to help.
I think the most important thing OP is if you love him and want to help him or if this is a symptom of bigger problems. Do you just want out?

The only reason Dahlen that some people move more and eat less is because they are motivated to do so. Everyone has a choice. You can come up with however many theories you like, but the truth is they just can't be arsed to take on board their behaviour, address their emotional issues if they comfort eat, and develop some will power and self control.

Personal observation is not the same as scientific study with controls missbopeep although you can of course believe whatever you want, as can I. I just choose to base mine on research.

But this is detracting from your situation OP. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel about your DH's weight gain. Your feelings are not wrong. If you are a decent human being you will take care to express how you feel sensitively, and if your DH chooses not to take any of that on board or you cannot reignite the desire, you are free to leave knowing you behaved kindly and gave it your best shot.

"But I'm happy for people to cling to the belief that people just need to eat less and move more without stopping to think about why people don't do just that."

It is a form of addictive behaviour, which is aided and abetted by a very cynical food industry. However, it is not in the least bit analogous to asking why the poor don't get better jobs. It is ultimately in every single person's control what they put in their own mouths.

I do accept that there is a difference between, at one extreme, those who can afford personal trainers and special diets delivered and, at the other, those with no free time or money. However, the obesity epidemic is relatively recent and people, on average, both have more money and free time than when most were thin. It is not easy or trivial to be in decent shape. However it is within everyone's power to achieve and, in my opinion, a worthwhile aim as, whatever one feel about body image etc, one just feels so much better and has more energy when in reasonable shape (and I am not talking perfection here, a little overweight is fine).

The thing is if this is a deal breaker then you are probably not with the right person .When my dp and I met I was 8 stone great body blah blah with in 2 years I had had treatment for cancer and was on dialysis and needed a kidney and pumped full of steroids looking a fright! Dp never waivered in how he treated me and I still felt loved and even desired when I could manage it! True love should transcend these things really Maybe he doesn't mind thats he has changed and sees it as natural How would you feel if ill health changed you radically and he rejected you? Anything can be round the corner and I bet you would really need his support no matter how big his belly is!

Larry, that's fine - but it is just your opinion.

Now aside from the health problems of obesity (as opposed to being merely overweight), it is only your opinion that it is a worthwhile aim.

OP also thinks it is, but her DH may not.

If she feels it is because he lacks respect for her/unwilling to make an effort, then that is a totally different problem in their marriage.

Sometimes, I'm too busy to wax my legs when I should - it's not because I don't love my husband.

If it is so important to the OP, then maybe she does need to talk to him - but from a position of differing priorities, rather than attacking him for being a lazy slob with no self-control.

I agree with Noddy. If I truly loved someone I would love them and want to have sex with them no matter how much their appearance changed. If I didn't, I wouldn't.

I agree with Noddy. If I truly loved someone I would love them and want to have sex with them no matter how much their appearance changed. If I didn't, I wouldn't.

So, if you married a man with eg a 32 inch waist who you fancied the pants off and that same person, for no reason other than gluttony, put on 6/7 stone and could no longer squeeze into 42 inch trousers (with massive stomach over the top), it wouldn't bother you one jot?

Neveronasunday - I could have started a thread about intellectual fitness when I was with XH. He kept himself fit but was very vain with it, a very unattractive quality IMO. He also had no ambitions or the desire to do well at work or at anything really (other than computer games).

I was 20 when we met and didn't care about those things at the time but as I started to do better on a professional level he just stayed the same, I found it a very unattractive quality so that probably makes me sound shallow, we just had nothing in common eventually and the only things he found interesting were computer games and football.

DH has never been as slim or toned as XH but I have always found him so much more attractive and still do, I really didn't fancy XH at all. It said it all when we split up - he desperately wanted to know if I still fancied him even though I didn't love him!

I really don't think I would not love my new DH in any circumstances regardless of his weight but I really do think the reasons behind the weight gain or whatever it is are what turns people off their partners.

Dahlen you refer to research. Would you like to link to whatever research you refer to which fits with your points about over eating- it's not very clear what you are talking about tbh.

I don't recall referring to anecdotes, or research- so please enlighten.

He doesn't drink, smoke, good guy and dad works hard in a stressful job and after 12 yrs he has put on a bit of weight and likes a bit of choccy.

noddy You are missing the point and possibly haven't read all the posts?

Everyone here who has supported the OP's view, has said that unavoidable changes to appearance as a result of illness or disability are totally different to someone who 'lets themselves go' and becomes unrecognisable as the person they first met.

I don't think I am. Has she said he is unrecognisable? I missed that.

You are missing the point about changes through illness which cannot be controlled, and changes by a change of lifestyle which can be controlled.

This is a by-the -way- but there are cases ( and not saying I think this is right, but I have read about these people) where people with a disability which has changed their marriage, have allowed and even encouraged their partner to seek sex elsewhere or even another relationship.

So not everyone believes you stick together whatever.

Well you either believe the marriage vows or you don't I am not married but I think one of them is for better or worse. I am not missing the point I am giving an opinion. I know what you are saying but I don't agree with the OP There is nothing written down that he can't eat a bit of crap food and let himself go a bit. He may be ok with it for now and a stressful job can send you to the biscuit barrel! You can't own another person and dictate how they are and nor should you want to. he may be eating too much due to teh stress.

Is a way to approach this more about equality of effort? Could you say to him, look I put in time for exercise and healthy eating and I deliberately resist snacking so that I stay fit and slim. I'd like you to put in similar effort for me.
Make it a shared thing like both try the 5:2 diet for a few months? If he loses weight easily it'll probably work for him.
It sounds like what you find most unattractive its the laziness not just the fat.