How do I tell dh I don't fancy him anymore?

[Repetitiverobot]

Well here goes...dh and I have been together for 12 years now and obviously both changed a lot over this time. We've been married 8 years and have 2 dc.
My problem at the moment is I no longer find my dh physically attractive. I'm not expecting him to be the buff 20 something he was when we met but his weight has been creeping up over the years to the point where he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I really don't want to sound like a cow but I've tried to stay in shape (for him as well as me) I'm slim, I exercise (despite working too) and I'm pretty well toned. I feel really mean, but I sit and watch him eating crisps and choc etc and it just makes me sit there and get angry inside.
I have tried a few times to broach the subject and used his parents health as a point. (Mum very overweight and dad has heart issues!) I know he's not happy with it too and does try every now and then. And does loose a bit, then just puts it on again. He can generally loose weight fairly easily which is annoying. He just says he doesn't drink, smoke so choc etc are his thing.
He's a good guy, works hard and i know has a stressful job. hes also gets quite sensitive, so I can't just say it how it's is, even in a nice way. he takes any slight negative as a big deal. But it's starting to really bother me now. He's a member of a gym and goes now and then, but he always has an excuse not to go. I hate excercise so do it once a week but am more aware of what i eat in between, unlike dh. I've suggested he goes on a weekend, and maybe 1 evening per week. I've not ever stopped him going he just doesn't want to.
I know it's sounding like I'm moaning but I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't like it either as he mentions it when putting on clothes, that his belly is big.
I'm finding I have no desire towards him sexually despite him wanting to (this causes a lot of rows about frequency etc) but I just don't find him appealing anymore. I have tried to look past it and hope that if we do it more ill get my mojo back but it's not happening.
Not to sound conceited but I'm a fairly ok looking women and do get the odd look now and then, I just wish he'd try and make an effort for me, you know??
Am I being unreasonable? How do I handle this??
On the flip side to add a bit of perspective, if I ask him for an honest opinion on how I look I get it . To the point when I was carrying weight after the kids he'd honestly tell me (if I asked) that my bum was big etc, so he will tell me but CANNOT take the same level of honesty back.

Just to second the other thoughts who think this absolutely points out the double standards on mn. God if a man had written this he would be flamed to hell and back by now.

For what its worth op, I think if you have tried everything else, then being blunt with him might just work. Or make him feel even shittier than he already is. Its a tricky one. But I dont think you are shallow for feeling the way you feel. I think i would probably feel the same myself.

I don't think it IS that much of a double standard TBH. In most cases a woman's body has changed as a direct consequence of having children. Even if she loses any pregnancy weight she may still have a changed shape and stretch-marks.

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

You can still love your dh but not be attracted to him physically. I have sex with my dh even though i dont find him attractive, but i do it because i love him and i know he needs it. You cannot help it if you find a fat belly and a self indulgent glutonous type lifestyle unattractive.

My dh comes home from work and opens the choc biscuits to chow a few down even as i am plating up, cos he cannot even wait that long and save his appetite for a lovely meal which i have cooked for him.

mind you we are not having any sex this last 5 or 6 weeks because of other issues more serious than his weight gain, but i have another thread going on that one.

I think its the same for a man or a woman regardless of the number of children they have. That is still no excuse for being lazy and putting on excess weight imo. There is no double standard to me.

It's a bit daft to blame women being busy with children as a reason for women not taking care of their bodies or having time to exercise. Everyone, just everyone, can find 30 mins 5 x a week to do some exercise if they want to- even a quick walk round the block once the kids are in bed.

And no one forces food down anyone's throats- men or women!

Missbopeep - in a healthy relationship I'd agree with you 100%. You only have to look around you to see far too many relationships where mum quite literally does not have any child-free time to go for a walk sans DC, let alone attend a gym or do anything with enough regularity for it to make a difference. Even though dad is off having his boys' own nights, playing on his Xbox, off with the golfing buddies, etc. Of course, the solution there is probably to lose the deadweight DH and amusingly you often see women who have done just that lose physical weight afterwards as well.

I agree that if you want to exercise, you will make time for it against other leisure activities. But if the choice is exercise regularly v making DCs packed lunches/other task, it's less simple. I know loads of parents (mainly mums) who quite literally don't finish doing stuff until 10pm at night. OK, I suppose they could go for a run then, but they're not superwoman, and if they're up at 6am the next day... and sometimes that can be the case even if the DH is a good sort who does his fair share. People working full time with long commutes can often be in this situation.

Food is a separate matter and much more complicated. If it really was as simple as eat less, don't you think more people would do that? The relationship people have with food is very complicated. It is lazy thinking to say it's just greed.

I've never had a weight problem and have run for years. Part of it is discipline, but another part is the fact that I don't sleep much and I've been a single parent for years. If I had a live-in partner and needed 8 hours sleep a night, something would have to give.

i love my husband but i doubt i'd fancy him if he put on a lot of weight

similarly, since he likes skinny women, i doubt he'd fancy me if i put on a lot of weight

really surprising reading all the comments above which say differently.

I agree with others who say it's the behaviours he's displaying (laziness, lack of self-control, lack of consideration for you) that may be putting you off rather than his physical appearance.

If he went on a diet and started exercising would you find him more attractive, even before he looked significantly different (like one of the previous posters)?

Just to second the other thoughts who think this absolutely points out the double standards on mn. God if a man had written this he would be flamed to hell and back by now

I am bookmarking this thread to quote from for the next "DH said I was too fat, the bastard" thread, with luck I can even get the same posters saying the complete opposite then

Op, please don't feel shallow, I could have written your post. My husband is exactly the same. I have been brave enough to mention it several times over the years, but although he initially reacted well, and lost weight, he always piles it back on. I actually have no idea what to do anymore......I fear that I will soon stop caring, and our relationship will be beyond saving. Sorry not be more positive, just wanted you to know you are not alone

Has anyone got the emotional intelligence to work out what makes someone overeat or not exercise? Sadly it seems not.

Well I can guarantee I will not be one of those posters, I absolutely disagree with nasty comments etc about someones weight but being worried about someones health or feeling something that is out of your control is totally different.

My DH was struggling with depression which led to the overeating and lack of exercise, he felt worse as a result. It is pretty common I would imagine.

I had a very odd dream the other night where I dreamt my DP had turned into a 20st slob. Told him about it the next morning and he's asked me if I'd still love him, I said yes I would, I just wouldn't fancy him much. Just like he wouldn't fancy me much if I'd put on 4st.

There's more to a person than looks, yes, but to 'give up' or not face the root of the problem shows a lack of care and a degree of complacency / lack of respect for the other. These are issues within the control of a person. Complacency is the biggest killer of relationships. We've written it into our vows that we will never take one another for granted.

OP, you're not shallow - I would find it hard to live in a sexless marriage, and if I didn't fancy my DP, that's what it would essentially be due to a lack of respect for him.

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

THIS. And in a lot of cases their partners are unwilling to do their fair share of the childcare so that they can get out and excersise.

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

Hmmm... & being the main breadwinner, as even in 2013, the majority of male partners are, slaving away all day at work provide for the family, coming home too exhausted to exercise is different? SAHM mothers & women combining part time work with childcare have very active lives. There's no reason why they can't lose weight.

If you eat less & move around more you will lose weight. That applies as much to women as it does to men. The claim that somehow mothers are different is balls.

So, if you would consider a man who dumps his wife for being fat, a bastard, then the same is true of women.

However I don't think this is the case here, his weight is just the icing on the cake.

You can't help how you feel.

However, I would be gutted if my partner said these things about me.

I've put on weight since having children, so has my husband.

We both have less time, more stress etc which has caused it to creep on.

You may have felt it important to keep in shape but he hasn't. Why is that? Is it really that important?

Talk to him about other areas of his life and whether he has lost motivation, enthusiasm etc.

DH & I have both been encouraged to get fitter so we can keep up with the kids (bike rides etc).

Are there things you can do as a family/couple rather than packing him off to the gym?

Twinkle more and more women/mothers are working full time. Because they cant afford not to.
Not all mums work part time. You are talking in stereotypes. My mum worked full time in the 80s 90s and 2000s

Darkesteyes - you're talking in stereotypes of mothers who can't lose weight!

I intentionally omitted mothers working full time, because exactly the same argument is to be made for their being too exhausted at the end of a working day to exercise, as I made for fathers.

That argument applies to men and women.

But there's still no reason not to be able to lose weight. If a woman is working that hard she's doing a lot of physical activity, and really, if she wants to lose weight she needs to eat less.

I didnt say mothers cant lose weight i said this which was a copy and paste from dahlen

DarkesteyesMon 05-Aug-13 22:02:56

Furthermore, women remain overwhelmingly the ones with primary responsibility for the children, meaning that very often they have less opportunity than their male partners to take up activities that can actively help them to keep their weight down.

You can keep your weight down even if you are with your children 100% of the time by eating healthy, small portions, walking everywhere, and doing lots of active activities with your children.

In the evening there are dvds, wii fit etc type activities that you can do without leaving the house, if you are not overweight you will have the energy to look after children, work full time and exercise. That is why its so important you have so much energy as the more exercise you do, the better a person feels and looks.

Women and men are biologically different. Women have evolved to carry a higher body fat percentage and to store weight because it infers an evolutionary advantage when it come to reproduction. That only counts for a few pounds though, not several excess stone. But men and women are not the same physically.

Neither is their cultural existence the same. Study after study after study keeps on revealing that women still perform 80% of domestic chores and childcare despite the fact that more and more of them are not only working full time but are actually the main breadwinners. There are too many relationships in which full-time-working dad gets to stop off at the gym on the way to work because mum will do the school run, goes off golfing on the weekend, while mum takes the DC to ballet, etc. We might live in 2013 but it's not yet the age of equality. That might be un PC to say, but it's a fact. Possibly an excuse, granted, because if that were me I'd ditch the DH who took me for granted in that way before I ditched my running schedule, but is that a realistic or even a desirable outcome?

Furthermore, the playing field is not even. It is culturally more acceptable for men to gain weight than it is for women. Men are in no way judged on their appearance and sexual desirability as women are. Again, this is something that is changing, but it still affects women far more than it does men.

I'm being a bit naughty on this thread and playing devil's advocate TBH. In my first post, I said quite clearly that I understand the OP. Fitness and health are important to me and I can't imagine having a relationship with someone who was a couch-potato stuffing their face full of chocolate any evening. However, just because the OP has every right to feel as she does and indeed to leave because of it if she wants to, does NOT make a man leaving his wife because she gained 2 stone while pregnant and is left with all the childcare and can't get to the gym to lose it the same as a woman leaving a man who has simply given up on making the effort for his wife. It just doesn't.

I shall continue to stick up for the men here (very unlike me) & ask what his lifestyle has been like in the past.

All through our 20s, DH ate what he liked, we went to the pub several times a week, he smoked and didn't do a scrap of exercise. However we lived in London so I suppose we did walk a fair bit.

We moved out of the city, used out car much more, DH gave up smoking and we replaced going out to theatre & dinner with cooking & movies on sofa.

DH gained about 2 stone.

Now I'm very pleased he have up smoking.

My point is, DH didn't 'give up' or 'stop making an effort', his life changed & his metabolism didn't keep up. If I suddenly demanded he joined a gym & took up football I'd be asking him to be someone he's not. And might not like the person he became.

He did realise he had put on weight, has recently lost quite a bit and started going out on his bike/for a quick run.

However he needed to get their on his own and I would never dreamt of telling him he wasn't good enough.

Dahlen
I'd say that instead of your posts being sympathetic and empathetic towards women you are in fact being patronising.

You imply that women are unable to assert themselves within a relationship in order to find time to look after their health. Or, that as single parents they can't find the time.

This is rubbish really as a 'theory' because although it might account for why women don't exercise it comes down to each woman to sort herself and her life out.

It's all about work-life balance ( and work can include childcare.) It's also about discipline and motivation.

As someone else said, the fact is that most childcare is done by women and most women work part time.

There's no excuse for stuffing your face and not being able to fit in a half hour walk, or some sort of exercise ( even doing exercise to a DVD or skipping in the garden!) IF you really want to.

I don't agree with this-
Furthermore, the playing field is not even. It is culturally more acceptable for men to gain weight than it is for women. Men are in no way judged on their appearance and sexual desirability as women are

Not in my book, it isn't.
A fat man to me equals one who is lazy, can't be bothered to look after himself, and who is not attractive to me in any way.

And I'd say the same about a woman!

Missbopeep - maybe that explains why my "friend" doesn't like me