How do I tell dh I don't fancy him anymore?

[Repetitiverobot]

Well here goes...dh and I have been together for 12 years now and obviously both changed a lot over this time. We've been married 8 years and have 2 dc.
My problem at the moment is I no longer find my dh physically attractive. I'm not expecting him to be the buff 20 something he was when we met but his weight has been creeping up over the years to the point where he just doesn't do it for me anymore.
I really don't want to sound like a cow but I've tried to stay in shape (for him as well as me) I'm slim, I exercise (despite working too) and I'm pretty well toned. I feel really mean, but I sit and watch him eating crisps and choc etc and it just makes me sit there and get angry inside.
I have tried a few times to broach the subject and used his parents health as a point. (Mum very overweight and dad has heart issues!) I know he's not happy with it too and does try every now and then. And does loose a bit, then just puts it on again. He can generally loose weight fairly easily which is annoying. He just says he doesn't drink, smoke so choc etc are his thing.
He's a good guy, works hard and i know has a stressful job. hes also gets quite sensitive, so I can't just say it how it's is, even in a nice way. he takes any slight negative as a big deal. But it's starting to really bother me now. He's a member of a gym and goes now and then, but he always has an excuse not to go. I hate excercise so do it once a week but am more aware of what i eat in between, unlike dh. I've suggested he goes on a weekend, and maybe 1 evening per week. I've not ever stopped him going he just doesn't want to.
I know it's sounding like I'm moaning but I don't know what to do. I know he doesn't like it either as he mentions it when putting on clothes, that his belly is big.
I'm finding I have no desire towards him sexually despite him wanting to (this causes a lot of rows about frequency etc) but I just don't find him appealing anymore. I have tried to look past it and hope that if we do it more ill get my mojo back but it's not happening.
Not to sound conceited but I'm a fairly ok looking women and do get the odd look now and then, I just wish he'd try and make an effort for me, you know??
Am I being unreasonable? How do I handle this??
On the flip side to add a bit of perspective, if I ask him for an honest opinion on how I look I get it . To the point when I was carrying weight after the kids he'd honestly tell me (if I asked) that my bum was big etc, so he will tell me but CANNOT take the same level of honesty back.

I believe sexual attraction comes from things other than just physical appearance. For me, sexual attraction is not fixed on one particular thing - it's a mixture of things about the person you're with.

My DP has changed since we met and so have I. It's not a problem. Maybe we're in the minority though - as I said, each to their own. But I do believe that love/attraction is built on stronger stuff than appearance.

What I coud understand, is if the OP said her partners laziness is turning her off. Not fatness.

MissBoPeep,

I tend to agree with you. I think that being overly demanding about a stone or a stone and a half is wrong but, on the other hand, if someone completely changes from the person that you married and shows no inclination to do something about it, it is a different story.

I do think weight is something one can take responsibility for and, if anything, it is easier for a man than for a woman, as one of the problems for women is if they eat socially with their husband and eat the same amount, in general it will be the woman who ends up with a weight problem. A man has to actively "try" to put on weight by snacking etc.

I think the approach is to try to help someone to deal with their problem in a kind way by helping them join a gym, maybe go for long walks together, cook healthily etc.

Can you use the DC?

If they make comments about his weight, is it less personal.
Can you mention to him that he is setting a bad life example for them.
Can you do some family exercise-in-disguise: walking, biking, kick-about.

I think the whole issue should be turned around- the questions should be asked of HIM! WHY has he allowed himself to become a fat slob? Does he not feel any responsibility at all to keep himself in shape and be an attractive person to be with instead of a lazy TV-watching sloth? What exactly is HE offering and bringing to the relationship? Bugger all from what's been posted here

I await with eager anticipation this argument being brought out the next time some woman posts about her DH/DP saying she is too chubby. The bunfight would be marvellous to behold.

Oddly enough, I don't think it will be

purist - sorry, are you really suggesting trying to bring the kids into this and get them to say things to their dad? I don't think that is on at all.

Janey - you're so right.

Branleuse

op i think the poster who mentioned the fat personality was spot on.

its more about being bothered with stuff. he sounds tired and without direction. i would have a big chat about your lives. x

Agree with MssBopeep - the op LOVES her dh, she just isnt attracted to him, and it is hard to have sex with someone you are not physically attracted to.

*Lazyjaney" it's a reasonable 'devil's advocate' point to ask (I wouldn't have dared )

Ultimately you want to be with someone for your own reasons. Some people see physical appearance as super-important, others not at all, and others inbetween. Same with lots of attributes (ambition, romanticism, etc)

As long as the OP is honest with herself, she can make decisions she can live with for the rest of her life. If you foresee a life wasted with the person you're with, for whatever reason, then change things. Either about them, or you, or who "them" is.

Then the OPs 'love' is very different to my 'love'.

What if he had an accident that caused physical scarring? How would that be different in terms of being physically attractive enough?

Is it the fatness or the laziness that the OP finds unattractive?

If it's solely down to appearance, this is not painting a very good picture of the OP/subscribers to this POV.

DH put on quite a bit of weight. I still fancied him. However, I did fancy less his lack of confidence, his moaning about his weight while not doing anything about it and his eating too much. It is not shallow to find deliberately harming yourself unattractive. I don't think the op is talking about appearances here - the appearance is the consequence of the change in personality. So its not the same as an accident or aging.

I feel v. lucky that DH took control of the situation himself and turned it around because he wanted to be healthy for the kids and he wanted to feel confident again.

Just be encouraging, loving and supportive, I guess and hopefully, he'll want to do it for himself.

I think his personality is fat too. That could be more key to OP's tears really. He's sitting on the sofa declaring x, y and z boring whilst making no plans himself and eating pringles and watching tv. So it's not JUST the extra pounds. There's a sort of fatness permeating him now at this stage.

This.^^

I split from my husband a couple of years ago, for many reasons. Not his weight, though tbh, both of us had put it on, he was always going to turn into his dad, you could see that even when he was slim, and me, well, if stress caused me to lose weight I'd be a supermodel but I always had the opposite. Not to mention two more pregnancies. I told him that I didn't fancy him anymore but that was probably more a symptom. In the last couple of years I've lost two stone, not slim by any means, but slimmer. We get on really well still and people ask me why we don't get back together. And I considered it, I could do a whole whole lot worse. Except for this. The fat personality.

I struggle with being social, yet it does me no good to not be social, so I force myself and have built up a social network. He on the other hand, has his rut and he likes it. Looking back, this personality imbalance was probably a major root of our disconnection and eventual split.

I think you have to look at whether it is actually just his belly or his entire mindset that's bothering you. If he lost the weight but continued with the fat personality, would it be enough?

My DH has put on a lot of weight since we first met. Then, he was slim, now he is obese. Had he been obese when we met, I wouldn't have fancied him and would never have gone out with him; does that make me shallow?

Now, I love him and he is the father of my children but he is obese and that is not attractive. His stomach means sex is not satisfying and if he's on top, I can barely breathe. I also find it lazy and disrespectful to me that I have had three children and weight the same as when we met (9 stone, size 12) and he just eats and says he has no will power; like it's his will power that's to blame, not him.

If you are shallow, OP, then I guess I am too. Are our DHs being unfair to us, though?

I don't think it is shallow TBH as you really can't help how you feel or what you may or may not find attractive.

My DH is probably 1.5 stone heavier than when we met, his belly is where most of the weight sits so makes him look more overweight than he is, if he goes to half a stone/stone heavier than he is now the weight goes on his face and if I am honest he does not look like my DH anymore (he was 2.5 stone heavier but has recently lost a stone).

I didn't stop fancying him but started to feel like I make an effort to keep fit and eat well etc but he didn't care, I think it affected him a lot as we had less sex and he was very down on himself. Now he has lost a stone he looks much better and is happier, I fancy him more (even though I never stopped completely) but it does worry me if he becomes obese how I will feel.

My XH was fit and toned all the way through our marriage but by the end I did not fancy him at all, he was a horrible person and just him breathing turned me off! I can't imagine ever feeling that way about DH but in a situation as described by Redlocks I wonder how I would feel.

Thisis I really think you have hit the nail on the head there, when DH is out running even before he lost any pounds I found I was more attracted to the 'get up and go' version of him. I found the unhappy, less confident man less attractive I guess, I just hadn't really thought of it in that way. I am the sort of person to just get on with things so I guess I couldn't really see what was going on.

Redlocks If you are shallow, OP, then I guess I am too.Are our DHs being unfair to us, though?

Yes they are.

Upnotdown- I are avoiding reading posts carefully- or can't you understand what is written?

Because in all of my posts I have been very careful to exclude things such as natural ageing ( which doesn't have to include weight gain and being unfit) as well as injury through disability.

That's totally different because it's outside of someone's control.

Can't you just 'get' that? It seems not.

Are You avoiding reading posts carefully....

Oh my god these last few post resonate so strongly with me, esp the comment about finding your dh more attractive when he started running, even before he lost weight because it was the get up and go factor kicking in.

I look at my dh sitting on the sofa on a beautiful summers eveing, munching crisps and chocolate bars, or going out and having 9 pints and looking paunchy and red eyed the next day, and i find that who self indulgent lazy sloth like inactivity and glutton such an incredible turn off.

Guess i am a shallow person too then.

gluttony i mean

The thing is- it's totally selfish ( of the men) Not only from a health point of view ( diabetes and coronary hello), but shows a total lack of regard for their wives' feelings.

Maybe I'm in a minority but I try hard to stay in shape and take a lot of care of my appearance. I do it for me- that's how I am and was before I was married- but at the same time I'd feel I was letting my DH down if I turned into a fat, unfit and unattractive woman.

He'd still love me, but I am sure if he was totally honest there would be conflicting emotions - loving me on the one hand, but disappointed that I'd changed drastically from the person he was first attracted to - and would quite likely not be attracted to if we were meeting for the first time.

MissBoPeep - maybe I'm not making my point very clearly - I understand just fine.

My point is, if you can't control the fact that the attractiveness of your partner comes from their physical appearance, how do you then discriminate between age, weight, hair loss etc.

I don't need an answer or an insulting response, I was just trying to understand how this mindset works. But it doesn't matter - it's about the OP, who appears to have the majority behind her. It's my outlook that seems to be strange - not a big deal.

yes, Irishchic, I know what you mean. My x was not overweight before I left him, good genes that's all, but sitting on the sofa watching sport (always watching) with the remote control in one hand, the tv guide circled, beers lined up in the fridge..... snacks in front of him, I used to go out running and he'd sigh because the children would get in the way of the tv and that made him grumpy. I cooked healthy dinners but they weren't filling enough. I made salmon with a cherry tomato salsa, and he stuffed the lot into a white hot dog roll and wandered off wth it to the sofa. If he'd even pretended to enjoy what was on the plate and then waited to see if he was so hungry he needed a white roll twenty minutes after eating, that would have been slightly less unattractive! Anyway, he's put on a bit since I left him.

I know someone whose DH said this to her recently. She was devastated. I think her DH is an utter dick. If he loves her then surely that is made up of more than just appearances. OP, do you actually love your DH? Does not fancying him right now ruin your love for him? What about in 20 or 30 or 40 years when you will both look totally different? Will you fancy him when he's grey and wrinkly? You sound very shallow to me.

Upnotdown you are still missing the point.

I think most people have made it crystal clear that some things such as age, hair loss etc are outside of a person's control. We accept natural ageing.

The other point you are missing is that attraction is usually a mixture of personality and appearance. And by appearance I don't mean classically good looks, or whatever.

You are taking a very black and white and simplistic view - seems you think me and other people are saying if someone ages or changes in some way, then that's it.

But that is not what anyone is saying- its more about the person adopting a lifestyle which is selfish, harmful to their health, and changes who they are- and weight is one factor.

People are attracted to whatever they're attracted to. Let's face it, if we wanted sex with people based on what they were like on the inside, all the extremely attractive but horrible people out there wouldn't be the ones getting more sex than the lovely but unattractive ones, and yet...

Fortunately, there is enough variation in people's individual likes and dislikes that most of us are attractive to someone, and often a someone who we are attracted to in return, which is great. But for most people sexual attraction is based largely on physical appearance and that's what separates a sexual relationship from a friendship.

I don't think anyone should be ashamed of saying what they find attractive and what they don't find attractive. It's how you say it and how you treat people that matter.

If my DP became overweight to the extent where I found him sexually unattractive (so more than a couple of stone then), I would first worry about him. Like me, he takes physical fitness very seriously and he wouldn't be the person I knew and fell in love with to suddenly adopt such a different lifestyle. I would want to rule out any underlying reason, either medical or psychological. Having done that, I would encourage him to take more control of his fitness and health - maintaining a sensible weight tends to come as a natural side-effect. If that still failed and I found myself stuck with a couch potato, I would call it off - all those things that defined our relationship would be non-existent if he was a couch-potato. If he had a reason for the change, that would be different, but if there is no reason then he would basically have made a choice that this was the lifestyle he wanted - a different one to the one we originally agreed on. That's no different from any other relationship-changing decision, such as one person suddenly deciding they want children when the original agreement was that neither did.

At no point would I be as crass or spiteful enough to say "I don't fancy you anymore because your fat". Becoming overweight is the symptom rather than the cause of what went wrong.