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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex lets himself into my house, 99% sure of it.

115 replies

SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 13:16

My ex just came round to deliver his maintenance - the princely sum of £10 a week (and he always want to know what it will be spent on, as if I might lavishly blow it all on £10 worth of cocaine and diamonds...)

I saw him get out of his car - and walk straight round the back of the house, where he would have noticed the kitchen window open and the smell of our dinner cooking in the oven. So he walked back round and knocked.

We are normally out on a Saturday afternoon... The other relevant piece of information is that he has a key to the back door. I know this because I gave him a copy for emergencies when we were together, but he would use it to just let himself in anytime, so I took it back. From the amused look on his face when he handed it over, I suspected he'd had a copy made. Now I'm 99.999% sure he did.

I feel violated in a way, that he probably comes for a snoop around when we're not here. But there is no point saying anything, as he'd make such a fuss about being unfairly accused it's not worth it. I wish I could have caught him letting himself in.

Should I just get in the habit of leaving a key in the back door when we go out, to stop him getting in? Is there anything better I can do?

OP posts:
cocolepew · 03/08/2013 15:58

It wouldn't mean hours and hours of him on the phone. Don't answer it.

DontmindifIdo · 03/08/2013 16:00

ooh, homebase near us have an offer on today, worth popping in this weekend if you can (just got a blackout blind for DDs room at 50% off).

You don't have to have him on the phone for hours, just go to the CSA and hang up/screen his calls for a few weeks.

DontmindifIdo · 03/08/2013 16:01

oh and Homebase are staffed with some lovely people who'll talk you through what to do (look for an older assistant, not someone who looks like they are doiing their A levels)

Reality · 03/08/2013 16:01

Fuck that.

GO to the CSA.

He is NOT your responsibility. Your son is. And he should be paying for his son.

Although, we only get £12 a week through the CSA, and he rarely pays it so we end up getting odd lump sums throughout the year that we would never rely on.

Angry
HoikyPoiky · 03/08/2013 16:03

What type of lock is it?

If its a Yale lock you can easily and cheaply change just the cylinder part of it. It takes a few minutes and is very easy. There are lots of YouTube videos showing you how to do it.

issynoho · 03/08/2013 16:05

I'm pretty sure our local police force will come and advise on home security - worth finding out if yours will do the same, OP?

And then if you happen to have the new bolts handy and your police officer happens to be very handy and helpful, they might even help install them? Smile

wheredidiputit · 03/08/2013 16:13

do you have a local Bobby van.

Original poster
SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 16:16

Honestly, I highly doubt the CSA would make him pay anymore than he is paying, as on paper he's unemployed. Plus he would be such a constant pain in my arse over it and stress out DS, it really would be so much hassle. I've had this before. We fought over money for years. We split up when DS was five, and he grudgingly gave me about £25 a week until he was made redundant. Then no money for three years even though I knew he was earning. I don't want to get into a fight with him. He'd love the opportunity to shout on my doorstep and give his parents 10 minute updates, but it would be very draining for me.

Just knowing that he can't get into my house will make me happy!

OP posts:
Original poster
SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 16:29

Can I fit sliding bolts to a PVCU door?

OP posts:
Original poster
SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 16:31

*UPVC

OP posts:
3birthdaybunnies · 03/08/2013 16:55

I fitted new cylinder to UPVC door, it was really easy - take out lock by unscrewing screws on the handle & one on the side of the door. Take lock to locksmiths (leaving 16yr old in charge of house) they will sell you one which will fit. I can't remember how much it was now. Beteeen 20-40 I think, but probably closer to 20. I would do front and back.

zipzap · 03/08/2013 17:23

Next time you see him, ask him for the book that he borrowed back, making out as if you had legitimately lent it to him and know that he has it. DOn't make a big deal of it, but remind him that you know he makes people ask for things to be returned and doesn't spontaneously return them like nice normal humans do.

When he returns it, you will have your proof that he has been in your house.

Or does your ds ever go to his house - can he see if it is there and get it for you?

kittykarate · 03/08/2013 17:24

You don't have to change the entire lock, you can just change the lock cylinder - it is relatively simple as long as you buy the correct type of replacement.

The price varies depending on the type of cylinder from £8 upwards

www.homebase.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10151&catalogId=1500001201&langId=110&searchTerms=lock+cylinder&x=0&y=0&authToken=

And there are videos on youtube with the method

Eldestoffive · 03/08/2013 17:38

Have a few friends round and wait the embarrassment will kill him, get a nice bottle of wine with next weeks tenner!

theoriginalandbestrookie · 03/08/2013 17:41

Just keep the back key in the door at all times, that's what we do anyway.

cloudskitchen · 03/08/2013 17:59

I screwed a chain into my upvc door. took some muscle power but I managed it ;)

Joy5 · 03/08/2013 19:16

If its a pvc door it will take two minutes to change the lock, look on youtube and watch a video of it. All it needs is one screw removed on the side of the door, and the cyclindor pushes out.

Then you take it to a local locksmith and ask for a replacement cyclindor (google for your nearest one, loads cheaper then B & ).

Then put it in the hole in door, replace the screw and you've changed the locks!

I'd explain myself how to do it, but not sure of the right words, and its easier to see what to do when you can watch a video.

Done it twice to stop my ex walking in when he wanted, would love to have seen his face when he realised what i'd done. Will never occur to him i did it myself. 2nd time my 18 year old had taken his fleece off at his Dads, and the keys somehow came out of his zipped pocket! He realised late that night he'd left his keys behind, so i'd changed the locks again by 10 the next morning.

hermioneweasley · 03/08/2013 20:47

These men who don't take financial responsibility for their kids give me the RAGE! Did he think that your son who he helped create didn't need feeding or clothing all those years he wasn't paying? Does he really think that £10 covers 50% of the costs? What an utter, utter cock. I hope your DS knows what a selfish, irresponsible nob his father is.

PhallicGiraffe · 03/08/2013 22:08

A euro lock is insanely easy and cheap to change. There is no reason why you can't do It yourself.

Original poster
SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 22:16

Well, they lose out ultimately don't they. DS and I are so close, and he has no interest in his DF, he doesn't even dislike him, there's just nothing there. He never asks to see his DF and I actually lie and make out that he does want to, because without my meddling there would be zero contact between them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 22:18

I worry that I would get something wrong and end up looking at a door with no lock in it!

I've ordered sash jammers, I'll see how they work. But I am pissed off that I have to do this, that I won't be able to let myself in at the back door just because the ex is a nosey little knobber. Oh well.

OP posts:
Mips · 03/08/2013 22:37

He is breaking and entering a property, which he hasnt been given a key to. This is a criminal offence.
Can you catch him out? Do you know when he comes round? Report him to the police.
I'm also sure the police will help ypu with home security if you let them know your suspicions.

Original poster
SingingSilver · 03/08/2013 23:45

I'm so annoyed that a window was open, because otherwise I think I would have caught him.

I'm toying with the idea of a cheap spy-camera gadget, something like this www.ebay.co.uk/itm/NEW-32GB-SURVEILLANCE-SPY-PEN-HIDDEN-CAM-CAMERA-VIDEO-USB-DVR-RECORDING-UK-/360680465245

OP posts:
LibraryBook · 04/08/2013 00:24

Maybe just put one of those small chain things on the back door and put the chain on before you go out, if you don't want the expense of changing the locks. And put a small padlock on your garden gate, perhaps, so he can't get round the back easily.

£10 is a miserable contribution towards your child.

WhiteandGreen · 04/08/2013 01:31

You don't want to be in a position of putting spy cameras up in your own home. Just put a bolt on the back door.

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