Ex lets himself into my house, 99% sure of it.

[SingingSilver]

My ex just came round to deliver his maintenance - the princely sum of £10 a week (and he always want to know what it will be spent on, as if I might lavishly blow it all on £10 worth of cocaine and diamonds...)

I saw him get out of his car - and walk straight round the back of the house, where he would have noticed the kitchen window open and the smell of our dinner cooking in the oven. So he walked back round and knocked.

We are normally out on a Saturday afternoon... The other relevant piece of information is that he has a key to the back door. I know this because I gave him a copy for emergencies when we were together, but he would use it to just let himself in anytime, so I took it back. From the amused look on his face when he handed it over, I suspected he'd had a copy made. Now I'm 99.999% sure he did.

I feel violated in a way, that he probably comes for a snoop around when we're not here. But there is no point saying anything, as he'd make such a fuss about being unfairly accused it's not worth it. I wish I could have caught him letting himself in.

Should I just get in the habit of leaving a key in the back door when we go out, to stop him getting in? Is there anything better I can do?

Would something like this alarm help, OP? It's very cheap and should make enough noise to frighten him. It would work much better if you were in the house without him knowing and then called the police, though.

I think anyone accepting $10 a week to raise a kid needs to see the CSA stat

Rooners, it would depends on how much money your ex is getting. If he's working, it's a very small amount.

I agree, Lady. It doesn't matter whether he's 16 or 6, he should be paying more than that.

you cant feed a child on $10 a week

Plus isnt it right that if he is cohabiting you can go after the other spouse, or at least regard their income as shared?

Yes, self employed so not always in work but I'd say 90% of the time he is working. He used to charge £100 a day. That was 10 years ago.

He told the CSA that he earned that a week, which I don't think is true. But in those days they just took any more maintenance off your benefit anyway so it made no difference to me. Nowadays I think people get to keep the benefit and maintenance is disregarded?

I haven't mentioned it to him, it would not go down well.

who gives a fuck? bloody get yourself what you need to feed and clothe your kid

Oh she works too

Not sure about that

I just wish he would care a shit about ds. (sorry for hijack OP, will go in a minute!)

you cannot CHANGE the way he is with the kid - if you accept that you will find it more relaxing.

why he gets to pay $2 a day for the kid is beyond me

I'm fine for money really, I just use my overdraft a lot!

STOPPIT NOW OR I WILL COME AND SHAKE YOU

Costs £20 max for a new cylinder and 3 keys from B&Q. Screwdriver and ten min later, new lock in place. Easy!!

I am sure the CSA will make him pay more than £10 per week - you don't need to tell him anything, just contact them direct and let them take care of it.

I don't actually let him in, we talk on the doorstep. After we broke up he would call round on my day off when ds was at school and try to nag me into having sex with him, so I stopped letting him through the door and there's been no reason to change that.

He's a very nosey person. Example - his ex lived nearby, and everytime we went past in the car he'd half break his neck turning to stare down her street. Her house wasn't even visible from the street, it was down a side road but he'd just stare, in the hopes of seeing anything. Very irritating. He does it with friends houses too. I haven't noticed anything missing in particular - one book he kept asking to borrow doesn't seem to be around (I never lend him stuff because he has the 'official policy' that borrowers need to remember to ask for their stuff back, otherwise it's his.) It could just be misplaced though.

I used to take the piss about what the money went on, until he actually told people that I saved up his sons maintenance money to buy expensive handbags... What can you do but

I will look into getting door bolts. I have just been reading about 'lock bumping' which I wasn't aware of, so door bolts will be a good idea both ways. I assume you need an electric screwdriver. Is there a MN thread for walking incompetent DIYers through a job?!

Nooo a normal screwdriver is far far better, slower, more accurate and more control.

Start a thread when you are ready and I'll walk you through it.

oh yes, fitting a couple of locks to your back door should be easy. and of course, he can never say anything about it without admitting that he lets himself into your home!

I wonder if it's worth contacting the local council/police and seeing if there are any home security schemes. My sister had someone come round and they fitted bolts and things to her doors and advised her on security generally.

I don't think it cost her anything.

it may have been a sensor. thinking about it. but the scheme is the same.

I agree with Lady and others. I'd rather have nothing.

He gets to feel ok because in his head he is paying for his child and isn't wanker dad. I'd tell him to stick it. Or tell him to put in a bank account for the next year and DS can buy himself 6 whole driving lessons!!

I agree wrt getting a bolt on the back door and leaving it bolted when you go out (go out the front door) or changing the locks. Does he have keys to both front/back doors or only one of them (some have the same locks)? Admittedly I don't have children and have no experience of CSA but £10 a week sounds low to me (it doesn't go far, but you don't need me to tell you that). He also sounds controlling asking what you're spending it on. I agree with Chickensaladagain that if he was interested in what his ds is up to, he would ask that (i.e. asking 'been up to much recently?', not 'what have you done that you spent money on recently?').

Change the locks or put a chain or bolt on the door. Thats creepy!

Annoyingly the £10 a week does help, so it's better that than nothing - and in fairness I should also tell you that he gives me £100 in November to cover ds's birthday and Christmas.

I know it's still not great - but basically he arranges work so it would be hard for me to get anymore from him. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but he has a very large chunk of money from family that he moves around a lot, plus he owns his house, does cash in hand work.. It would be a headache for me to go after more, and he would hit the roof. He absolutely loves a drama, and it would mean hours and hours on the phone with him. Any resulting money wouldn't be worth the stress. No CSA. When I mentioned the CSA he accused me of wanting him to start taking beta blockers again (panic attacks), hence the £10 a week compromise.

I will go for door bolts, for front door and back. I think the extra little bit of security would be nice anyway Like these? www.homebase.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Browse?storeId=10151&langId=110&c_1=1%7Ccat_16849207%7CDoors+and+Door+furniture%7C14418922&c_2=2%7Ccat_14418922%7CDoor+Furniture%7C14418918&c_3=3%7Ccat_14418918%7CDoor+Bolts%2C+Latches+and+Catches%7C15523366

I did google for any home security schemes in cherwell area hecsy but haven't turned anything up. Thanks though

That's a shame.

Be careful with the door chains though, they're easy to unhook from the outside. My mum can slip hers off. It's her party piece I'd suggest you go for the proper bolts for the back and leave the chain type for the front to be used as security for when you're in the house.

Nooo, you don't want him to take beta blockers, they might stop him dropping dead!