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Relationships

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Original poster

is it ok to snoop on husbands texts

33 replies

mpi · 03/08/2013 08:20

my husband has, for various reasons which i understand, has 3 phones, but only uses ones. recently my daughter lost her phone and i asked my husband if she could borrow the oldest of the 2 phones he no longer used. His initial reply was that he did not know where it was, which seemed normal and feasible. so i looked for it and could not find it in the house, although i found the charger. about 1 day later he brought it home from work and said that he had forgotten that he had left it in the car as an emergency telephone. now at this point i thought that seemed odd, since one of us always has a phone with us when in the car in case of emergency...but i didnt consider why this had been said to me. After giving it my daughter to use my husband then kept asking me if everything was okay, that he thought i seemed distant...none of this was true...but combined with the phone appearing and his overdue worrying about me , it made me wonder if the 2 were connected. I accessed the bills on line for the phone and found that he had been texting, during work hour,s a number that i know is not in his or our friendship group, sometimes up to 6 to 7 times a day.
I want to ask him about this, but feel that he would think that i was distrustful and that it would annoy him. however my instincts keep reminding me that something is not adding up.
Shall i try to recover any deleted text messages and see for myself ..or should i ask him who the number is.
ps i have rang the number on several occassions and it just goes to answermachine

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 03/08/2013 08:22

Ask him. Don't do any more detective work, just ask.

GetStuffezd · 03/08/2013 08:23

Agree. Ask him.

MelanieCheeks · 03/08/2013 08:24

Would you normally look at the phone bills? just as a matter of house-keeping/ keeping on top of finances? Could you say "i was checking all the phone bills and there's a number I don't recognise - do you know it?"

Original poster

mpi · 03/08/2013 08:32

i would not normally look at his phone bill.....so admitting that i had seems like i was snooping...which i was

OP posts:

joblot · 03/08/2013 08:46

I don't mind my phone etc being looked at. Secrecy suggests secrets. Have a look and if its innocent great , if not then you've discovered something you need to know that he wouldn't have freely told you. I'm not sure why asking is seen as useful- cheaters never hold their hands up and tell all. So look at the phone if your gut is suggesting a problem, thats my advice

LoveBeingItsABoy · 03/08/2013 09:06

So you tell the truth, you said some weird things so I looked and this is what I found.

Distrustinggirlnow · 03/08/2013 10:49

Unfortunately if you ask him, and if there is something amiss he will deny everything and delete the messages. So sadly if you want to know you will have to try and recover some messages. Are the texts recent ..?

If you can see some of the messages and they're to a work colleague about a golf tournament or something then you just don't say anything, but if they're the, "was lovely to see you again, night night you", type then that's completely different and u will have to ask him.

You must have your evidence first though, sorry, as he will deny, delete then minimise.

Follow your gut feeling, it's rarely wrong! Whatever the texts are, it doesn't spell the end necessarily. But you cannot live with the uncertainty. You need to know the truth around the texts or you will make up a story in your head that's probably far worse than the truth

Bogeyface · 03/08/2013 13:09

The big flag for me is the fact that he is saying you are distant. He is looking for evidence that you have found out his secret.

Sorry, but this doesnt look good.

Have you tried texting the number something along the lines of "Hey, tried to call you, everything ok?"

newbiefrugalgal · 03/08/2013 13:23

Investigate.
I discovered an affair by a random look on a phone, not snooping just bored sitting waiting and his phone was there. I knew the password so he should have known better.
I didn't get denials thank goodness as I know that happens way to much on here. Deny deny deny

Squitten · 03/08/2013 13:31

Whilst I would like to think you should just ask him straight out, he would obviously deny any wrong doing and then you've lost your evidence. If there is any way you can recover the messages first, then I would do it.

LoveBeingItsABoy · 03/08/2013 14:27

He's already deleted anything otherwise he wouldn't have handed the phone over

Seenenoughtoknow · 03/08/2013 14:39

People are always very quick to throw in the 'privacy' card, but I tend to think that if you are hiding stuff (phones/texts/emails etc), it's because you have stuff to hide.

If he is texting another woman, he will have told her he is giving the phone to your daughter so not to answer if anyone rings. Phone the number from a kiosk, or a friends mobile. Or type the number on google, if it's a business number it should come up.

I think it's all a bit suspicious and you now have every right to do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of this. Your instincts are working, and this is whole situation has been discovered innocently, but needs uncovering properly with work. These things happen for a reason.

Supertrooper88 · 03/08/2013 14:41

Before chatting to him i would check for txts and also make a note of the number
I would also be tempted to call the number using 141 to see who answers

MissStrawberry · 03/08/2013 14:45

He is definitely guilty as why else would he randomly start asking if all is okay.

Mosman · 03/08/2013 15:11

Of you think something is up it usually is, I wish I'd trusted my instincts.
Get one if those recovery program's for the computer and if it in.

Missbopeep · 03/08/2013 15:19

Why not call the number and ask 'Is that Jane?' and if they say 'No it's Sue,' then you say Oh I'm sorry your no. is in my DHs phone and he asked me to call Jane- I must have misdialled.'

Might put the wind up her and him.

Mosman · 03/08/2013 15:42

She's tried calling it just goes to answering machine.

Missbopeep · 03/08/2013 15:44

Has she withheld the number when she dials?
Has she called from another number and not withheld it?

She could leave a message and say she was checking the bill and this number kept coming up so she wondered if it was an error and she was about to call the phone company.

Gruntfuttocks · 03/08/2013 15:49

Where's the third phone? Can you look at that one? If he has been up to no good on the other phone, presumably he's switched to the other one now.
Keep digging.

Original poster

mpi · 04/08/2013 15:30

it has been good to receive all the messages which suggest that i am not being paranoid and that this does send alarm bells ringing.....i will try to get a programme to recover deleted messages.....i keep trying number and no answer, tried from different phones and withholding number, which is odd that it is never answered...however i noticed from the bills that he never rang the number only texted.
however, i think he senses that i am worried about something...and he has made such massive efforts to show me and tell me how much he loves to me....i wonder if he has got really worried about me discovering something and that in itself may make him realise what he has put at risk

OP posts:

ilovebowie · 04/08/2013 16:31

Hi OP, this sounds really suspic to me. Have you tried googling the number or also entering it in the search box on Facebook.

You might find the owner of the phone.

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I've had experience of snooping and finding something I didn't like too.

Distrustinggirlnow · 05/08/2013 07:35

Morning OP. hope you're ok. I'm just having a and thought of you.....

Have you tried adding the number to your contacts then adding your phone contacts to facebook. There's an option on FB to do this, can't remember how exactly but if you look you'll see it. All of your contacts who are not FB friends come up in a list. The number may appear along with a nice little pic....

However, I think that it may be her (if it is ow) second phone too which is why you get no answer as its either finished or she knows they may have been compromised.

Does he have a work phone..? Can you check any of the other bills online, sorry if this has already been suggested!

Moxiegirl · 05/08/2013 08:14

Add the no. to what's app if you have it?

Missbopeep · 05/08/2013 08:39

It's possible it's an old phone and not used anymore.

OR they have been really on the ball and set up some kind of 'code' to announce when it's him calling-ie- he lets it ring for 3 rings, she doesn't answer, he hangs up, then rings again.

(Friend of mine used to have this arrangement for a while when she was avoiding calls from her DP!)

Supertrooper88 · 05/08/2013 09:58

This may sound a bit OTT but I would be tempted to try the phone at different times. Can you tell from the bill what days/times the txts were sent?? It may well be that if (big if) you H was using the phone to message an OW then he would do so when he is free to do so - maybe on his way to from work, during the week as opposed to weekends or in the night evenetc. Can you see any pattern?

It could also be someone elses 2nd mobile - so maybe its only used in the week etc as well.

The only other thing I can suggest is file this nugget of info - keep a note of the number and just get on with life but perhaps just be a little more vigilant. Something has made you wonder now - so you could notice other things you didnt before.

Or you could step it up a notch and think realistically - could he have time to see someone else? If so when would this be? Then check out his behaviour, timings maybe even car mileage and cash withdrawals etc around these days and times. Search his car, shed, belongings - find anything suspicious???

Its not healthy to srrongly suspect and go snooping long term though but only you know how much your instincts are screaming out something is wrong. I do think its suspcious though.

I would love to say confront but the problem with that is once you lay your cards on the table - anything crap going on will become tougher to ever proove. I have NEVER read a single relationship thread on here where anyone has asked the partner about suspicious behaviour they have just replied straight out "yeah I am seeing someone" - the game of deceit goes on longer and longer with more and more lies. I have a friend who confronted her H over suspscious calls/texts. He blagged his way out of it. Odd random teeny tiny events all explained away over the following 8 years until a few months ago she was diagnosed with a nasty STD (she had never been unfaithful). 6 weeks after her diagnosis and several spats and "evidence" laid on the table before the shit finally admitted he had been having an affair (3 over 8 or 9 years it actually seems).

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