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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp used prostitutes

52 replies

Snailonthewhale · 01/08/2013 00:17

I have been with dp for 18 months. About 3 months into the relationship he admitted that he had used prostitutes before we got together. There was a 4 year gap between him splitting up with his ex wife and us getting together and he says he used hookers approx 5 times during this period. This does not include 'happy endings' he had during massages in Asia, as apparently they don't count. I suspect it was far more than 5 times.

When he told me all this I felt sick at the thought of it but as everything was perfect back then in the honeymoon period, I decided to overlook it. My own sexual past has been fairly colourful and while I've never been involved in prostitution, I have had threesomes and been quite promiscuous. He says that there is no difference between my past and his past, and that he finds mine hard to accept.

I haven't even thought about it for ages but this evening it came up in conversation again. We were talking about age gaps and he admitted tat the youngest person he had slept with was 'about' 15 years younger than him. He then admitted it was one of the times he paid for it. This brought back all the feelings I had initially about his past but even more so as it would have meant that he was using hookers that were barely out of their teens. I feel like he exploited these girls as its unlikely they were mature enough to be making rational decisions about what they were doing.

Am I being a hypocrite and overreacting? I can't seem to let go of these feelings.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 01/08/2013 00:28

He's telling you very clearly what his attitude is to women. Please listen to him.

minkembernard · 01/08/2013 00:47

no. i don't think you are being hypocritical. did he consider why these girls were in prostitution? or if they had been trafficked?

presumably whatever you did in your colourful past all parties consented freely. so it cannot be compared. blatant double standard on his part.

i would be wary of his attitude to women and by extension to you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2013 00:50

It is an absolute deal breaker for me. I will quote my NN's DH, "Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things."

Threesomes, lots of sex, whatever, everyone's freely consenting, who cares. Prostitution, absolutely not. BTW, it's even worse in Asia where the vast majority of women start in prostitution as sexually abused children. No choice whatsoever in their case.

Snailonthewhale · 01/08/2013 00:52

No I don't think any of those issues crossed his mind, I think he just saw pretty young girls on the Internet and decided he could and would pay for their services.

Yes that's exactly right, I have never felt exploited or entered into a situation I wasn't comfortable with, and all my sexual relationships have been consensual and respectful even if they haven't always been meaningful.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2013 00:55

I just think that there is a very basic difference between shagging someone who does want to shag you and shagging someone who has to be paid to want to. I just don't understand how a normal person shags someone who they know doesn't want to. At least wanking is sex with someone you hopefully love.

Snailonthewhale · 01/08/2013 00:59

Yes I agree, I can't imagine how much pleasure can come from shagging someone who is only in it for the money. The confusing thing is that he is a good looking, charming, educated man with no shortage of female admirers so I just don't understand why he did it.

OP posts:
Snailonthewhale · 01/08/2013 00:59

Repeatedly!

OP posts:
BadLad · 01/08/2013 05:18

The confusing thing is that he is a good looking, charming, educated man with no shortage of female admirers so I just don't understand why he did it.

A common reason is fantasies that are too embarrassing to tell a partner / wife / girlfriend.

MadMadsMikkelsen · 01/08/2013 06:09

Oh gross...

He used women as sexual objects and yet has issue with your past.

Laaaavely Hmm

MadMadsMikkelsen · 01/08/2013 06:10

(plus there's a good chance that he's used someone very young/possibly underage or part of sex trafficking if he's used them in Asia)

nkf · 01/08/2013 06:18

Deciding to overlook it meant hiding your feelings about it. How long can you do that for? And do you want to?

OhTinky · 01/08/2013 06:31

He's chosen to tell you or has convinced himself this girl was about 15 years younger, so possibly late teens. But he doesn't know for certain, and I can't imagine he would have had much conversation with her. She could definitely have been younger...

Cabrinha · 01/08/2013 07:33

Horrid man.
Leaving aside his use of prostitutes for a minute, his attitude to your past is breathtaking.
He either really is uncomfortable with it - in which case he can fuck off - or he's telling you he is deliberately to cover for his behaviour - double fuck off.

I'll declare a personal interest: I'm 4 months into divorcing my STBXH for prostitute use. I can't respect someone who does that. And I simply wouldn't trust that your partner wouldn't do it whilst you're together (as my arsehole of an ex did). If you can commodify sex in that way, I think it's not leap at all to see it as not cheating. I'd say that's an even bigger risk, given that even when he tells you about prostitution, he's seeking to exclude "happy endings". Some abused woman trying to feed her family with his spunk on her hands - yeah, happy. Sure SHE is. If he can exclude that, he's compartmentalising it, commodifying it - you wait, he'll cheat on you (if he hasn't already) and separate it.

But honestly, the biggest issue for me is him complaining about your past, either hypocritical or manipulative, probably both.

I also wonder about STI testing... Given he knew how high risk he is, did he bother, before exposing you?

AnyFucker · 01/08/2013 07:35

You have hitched your wagon to a misogynist prick.

Unbuckle yourself, and move on.

Dahlen · 01/08/2013 07:56

This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Prostitution in this country is bad enough, but travelling abroad to Asia and basically raping vulnerable abused women (because that is what he's done) is quite another. To then have the brass neck to criticise you for your past is Shock.

If you stay in this situation I can almost guarantee you that your past will become a stick he uses to beat you with, all the while explaining his (and probably future infidelity) away with "men have needs" and other such sexist rubbish.

Please get out now and also get a full STD screen. I'm sorry.

Snailonthewhale · 01/08/2013 08:14

I did get std tested not long after we got together. Turns out we both had chlamydia but to be fair we had both had unprotected sex previously so thEre is no way of telling who it originated from. He swears he always used condoms when using hookers but even if that's true he had unprotected sex with people who weren't charging him so there is no way of knowing.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 01/08/2013 08:15

First of its highly unlikely those women were trafficked abused etc.
I suspect the reason he has a problem with your past if he is jealous you had much more fun than him and he resorted to paying for sex.

Whether deal breaker or not, up to you, but if its creeping you out then do what YOU want.

arsenaltilidie · 01/08/2013 08:16

Agree with others, he will never get over your past and will used it against you.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2013 08:17

Please could you stop using the term "hookers" so casually

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/08/2013 08:29

First of its highly unlikely those women were trafficked abused etc.

What makes you say that?

Even in the UK, prostitutes are prone to having come from a vulnerable background, started young, having been conditioned to use sex to make a living - it is far worse in Asia Sad

Sex trafficking is a huge problem Sad

Op - men who think its ok to buy women's bodies do not like women.

How can you have sex with him knowing that he is willing to buy children's bodies to satisfy his sexual needs? Urgh.

Please have another set of STD tests - you do not know if he has used prositutes again since meeting you (once a punter always a punter etc).

Snailonthewhale · 01/08/2013 08:50

Anyfucker, I don't mean to use the term casually but I am on my ipad and prostitutes is a longer word to type :)

I agree that there are few women who are in prostitution because they really like their bodies being used by people they would not have sex with otherwise. Even the ones who are not really young are most likely doing it because they feel like they have no option.

One of my good friends was a protitute between the ages of 19-20, working in a massage parlour. She is now 33 and it still haunts her because various people know that she did it and every time she has got a boyfriend she has been terrified of them finding out. The only time she didn't have that issue was when she was in a relationship for three years with a man who used prostitutes himself (even when they were together). She claimed not to have an issue with it because she had been on the other side of it, sleeping with men who had partners or wives and she says she understood the mentality of men who did it, and she knew it meant nothing. It really upset me that she thought she was worth so little as to put up with that.

OP posts:
StiffyByng · 01/08/2013 09:36

Many men sleep with prostitutes for power, not sex. The same reason that rapists have. They don't need to respect their sexual partner or give her any pleasure. It's a very troubling urge.

Whether or not someone is comfortable with the idea of threesomes etc is their business, although it seems a bit rich given his own activities to have issues. But if he does, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you.

And a good friend of mine has just split up with her partner. He confessed to her at the start of her relationship that he'd used prostitutes in the past, but all that was over. Guess what? It wasn't.

Neitheronethingortheother · 01/08/2013 10:13

Some men sleep with prostitutes because they are lonley and want sexual contact with a woman. They may not want the emotional involvement or may be hurting after a failed relationship so want sex without the emotion. I dont think they over think it or worry too much about the background of the girl. They just see it as a need they want met.

I dont agree with prostitution for a number of reasons but I also dont think that all men who pay for sex are women hating misogynists.

If you can trust him and know he wouldnt cheat on you with a prostitute or anyone else then who are you to judge him for his past. If you had been a prostitute for whatever reason you would still be entitled to a loving trusting relationship with someone and so why can't he.

Dahlen · 01/08/2013 10:15

I dont think they over think it or worry too much about the background of the girl. They just see it as a need they want met.

You see, as soon as you start seeing another human being purely in terms of a device that you can use to fulfil your own needs, you cross a line in my book.

Twinklestein · 01/08/2013 10:20

If he genuinely thinks sleeping with a prostitute is equivalent to a consensual threesome then he has no idea whatsoever.

He badly needs some John school.

If he just wanted casual sex, there are adult forums for that.