Dp used prostitutes

[Snailonthewhale]

I have been with dp for 18 months. About 3 months into the relationship he admitted that he had used prostitutes before we got together. There was a 4 year gap between him splitting up with his ex wife and us getting together and he says he used hookers approx 5 times during this period. This does not include 'happy endings' he had during massages in Asia, as apparently they don't count. I suspect it was far more than 5 times.

When he told me all this I felt sick at the thought of it but as everything was perfect back then in the honeymoon period, I decided to overlook it. My own sexual past has been fairly colourful and while I've never been involved in prostitution, I have had threesomes and been quite promiscuous. He says that there is no difference between my past and his past, and that he finds mine hard to accept.

I haven't even thought about it for ages but this evening it came up in conversation again. We were talking about age gaps and he admitted tat the youngest person he had slept with was 'about' 15 years younger than him. He then admitted it was one of the times he paid for it. This brought back all the feelings I had initially about his past but even more so as it would have meant that he was using hookers that were barely out of their teens. I feel like he exploited these girls as its unlikely they were mature enough to be making rational decisions about what they were doing.

Am I being a hypocrite and overreacting? I can't seem to let go of these feelings.

Even if an individual woman was not coerced, exploited or trafficked, he took part in an activity which encourages and condones and funds those activities.

I agree with the first poster that he has told you all you need to know about his attitude to women.

Look around your city, it's full of saunas and escort agencies so whether it's repugent or not to us, lots of men pay for sex! I don't think they care about the legalities or the personal life of the prostitute - and just like them, some women do it out of choice, not because they are forced - what happens in Asia is a different matter and that would concern me but again, how many men go there for sex, it's a roaring trade centre.

It's up to you what you are willing to accept, he can't be bothered by your past and there is no comparison. A lot of men visiting prostitutes do not hate women (some may I suppose), but it's often for intimacy, companionship and yes, sexual relief. TBH, I don't know why he told you, he obviously is fine with it. You decided to accept it all those months ago so not quite sure what's changed since then, would it help you if he actually said to you that he now feels bad about it all, would that make it all ok?

I just had a quick Google. According to Thailand's health peeps, about 40% of the people in prostitution (or being sexually abused, more correctly) are children. Add to that the women who must have started as abused children and it is near as anything 100% who were or are abused children. Not such a fucking 'happy ending' now is it? He can't really plead ignorance. Even if you don't read newspaper or books, the guides are all full of information about it. Lonely Planet and Rough Guide certainly are.

Jan45 - think you are quite naive. Those women who do it out of choice are likely to have been conditioned or are in vulnerable situations.

Men do it because they think they are entitled to buy women's bodies - women are there to serve them and they don't care about their pleasure. They don't see them as human There is no intimacy in a financial transaction.

Just because many men buy sex, it does not make it acceptable or ok

I can't remember where it came from, but can anyone reference the study that suggested that about 75% of prostitutes and porn actors come from a background of child abuse, drug addiction and human trafficking.

How do you tell that the one you're using is one of the 25% who doesn't?

Also, I used to accept the idea that some men were after companionship, intimacy and sexual relief without seeing the women they were paying for those services as lesser. These days I am far less persuaded by that argument.

If your life is such that you have no companionship from anyone, maybe you need to change your life. Maybe if you're that socially inept that money you'd spend on sex would be better spent on counselling and social skills courses.

There is no such thing as intimacy in a paid transaction. Again, it would be far better to try to change yourself and your life to achieve it for real.

It's not that hard to get NSA sex, and plenty of ordinary people, fat, short, bald, spotty, disabled, people etc etc manage to have relationships or have NSA sex. If you have to pay for it maybe it's because you're not looking for it in the right way or you've got major personality shortcomings that you should work on.

If your sexual proclivities are such that most people wouldn't do it, join a fetish club for like-minded people. There is nothing out there that hasn't been done before. You're unlikely to be alone in wanting to be spanked/wear a nappy/have anal/whatever.

If you still can't find what you're looking for without paying for it, perhaps consider the possibility that no one in their right mind would willingly do that without a cash incentive. Should that not tell you something?

There are plenty of things I wouldnt do willingly without a cash incentive. Work being one of them.

I would love to be a sahm but I cant afford to be so I sell my skills for money so I can keep a roof over my head.

Its not just women who are victimised by prostitution. Plenty fo men are lured into parting with their money. sites are set up to entice men into clicking on a button and taking them to the next stage. These services are marketed and men are targetted.

I realy dont think it is as simple as man bad, woman vicitm.

Poor men being lured into buying sex no one is twisting their arms or threatening them (unlike many sex workers).

If someone feels uncomfortable about being in a relationship with a man who has slept with prostitutes, that's good enough reason to end it. Or not start it up in the first place. If you are already married and have children, there might be some reason for thinking twice. But, an 18 month relationship. Do what you feel like. It brings up bad feelings. No reason why you have to live with them.

Yes, in an industry where pimping, beating, rape, trafficking, abuse, drugs and death are a reality, won't someone think of the poor menz?!?!

I dont think they over think it or worry too much about the background of the girl. They just see it as a need they want met.

That's precisely the problem!

Anyone who thinks like that has no respect for women. They should think about the human being whose body they are using to dump cum in!

Like - why is she doing this, how old was she when she started, was she in care, was she sexually abused (a frightening % of UK prostitutes have been) has she been trafficked?

That's why police send kerb crawlers to John School, to disabuse them of the fantasy & acquaint them with the reality.

Some men go to hookers because they're lonely & inept, that's true. Some because they want to buy a level of looks that they couldn't pull without paying. But some go because they want to pay to do something 'normal' women won't - debasing and/or violent, and some because they get off on the power trip...

I may also be biased because one of the prostitutes I know through work is dead. Drug overdose. She was not a happy hooker with a heart of gold. She was a human being with a family, though.

MadAbout: can assure you I certainly am not naive, I never said it was acceptable or ok but clearly it is for some.

Some women of course will be exploited, never said otherwise but I can assure you some women do do it out of choice and are very well paid in the process.

It's a complex issue, if men buy sex it's because it's for sale, the morals behind that are another story. How do you know they don't see them as human or care about their pleasure, you've no idea about that, some might actually will and some might not even have sex, they might just be looking for close contact and companionship and visit the same escort every time. And yeah, some will just want it for the physical pleasure, it takes all kinds of people.

Neither: I agree.

So in that vein, I assume it's not ok for women to pay for sex with men either then, cos believe it or not they do!

I don't think you can compare most forms of work with the selling of your body. Not because sex is sacred or any such other BS but because very few jobs carry the level of risk to one's physical health and wellbeing in the way that prostitution does routinely and those that do tend to be highly rewarded.

And it's not about men bad women victim. Who said it was? It's about user and victim. The victim may be male for all you know.

It's also about savvy ladies CHOOSING to make a fortune out of sad lonely men - I'm not talking about a drug addict prozzie on the street corner, I'm talking high end escorts raking it in.

Is it any different to buying clothes in Pennys or other shop that uses sweatshops?

I know men who have paid for sex and they do not fit the descriptions you use to blanket describe anyone who chooses to do this.

I know men who were lonely. One in particular who said the sex was never really that good and that he didnt really have much say in what happened. That the escort pretty much controlled the whole experience down to how and when it all happened.

I understand that lots of women are not in the industry out of choice and I dont like the industry but I dont think it is fair to tar all men who get caught up in it with the same brush and say that they are anti women etc...

It's not just men who are loose with the morals, some women are too and actively choose to get involved in escorting etc, so which one is the victim there then?

There are thousands of girls right now with web cams fleecing thousands out of men, they are not being exploited, they're exploiting the men.

It's a bit like buying clothes made in sweat shops. A tiny bit. However, no one pretends that lots of the people that work there are happy because they love sewing. They have ADD so they like working 12-14 hours a day and my particular t-shirt was made by an adult, even though most of the workers are children.

I have read the 'bad date' file that the working women use to warn other women about bad Johns. You would cry your eyes out. It is horrific. Many of the descriptions of the rapist, violent, abusive Johns are different so it is a lot of Johns who are scumbags. A lot. I don't live in a big city BTW, there are a lot of horrible people who use prostitution.

Before I worked with prostitutes I thought live & let live, legalisation is the way to go etc.

But that was before I learnt that 95% of street prostitutes have serious drug or alcohol problems. That 70% are physically or sexually assaulted in any given year. That over 70% have been in care and/or suffered sexual abuse (that also applies to male prostitutes).

It's true that escorts at the higher end may make a free choice to earn money this way, but even so they have a far higher rate of drug or alcohol abuse than average, a far higher rate of eating disorders, depression & anxiety, a far higher likelihood of being physically/sexually attacked, and a higher than average mortality rate.

Prostitution, even the upper end, will never not be violent, because there are many men who want to take out their violence out on them. Nor will prostitution ever be detached from organised crime, something the Netherlands has learnt by bitter experience, and recently re-criminalised certain aspects of prostitution.

Indeed, in countries where prostitution is legalised there has been a snowballing of illegal prostitution and trafficking of women & children; and the majority of prostitution is still illegal - ie operating outwith state regulation.

This would be really hard if not impossible for most women to come to terms with. But I have heard that far more men go to prostitutes than most women think. But their wives/partners never know about it. It's a dreadful thought.

Back to the OP, if you don't like it, chuck him.

So in that vein, I assume it's not ok for women to pay for sex with men either then, cos believe it or not they do!

of course its not ok - there are a lot of very young men (including male children) selling their bodies

You owe him nothing. If his past bothers you, dump him. It sounds like your past bothers him. You could dump him for being bothered by that.