If you have been with your dp 15 or 20 years + what is your relationship like? Trying to work out if I'm realistic

[amotherincognito]

Just as the title says really. I'm thinking of things like do you still do romance, hug, kiss, or has it descended into something more like only a friendship?

Dh thinks the latter is normal...I'm not convinced! I know it won't be the same after 20 years as it was back when we met but just didn't expect this either!

Married 22 years. We are lovers and friends. We laugh and joke together but we also hug and kiss and love. I am very lucky to have him.

I've been with my DH for 15ish years. Soulmates yes, lovers yes (although less often...kids and work take their toll so weekly), romance...never. If he started getting romantic now I would think he was having an affair!

Def more than friends with benefits.

Ok, so no hugs or kisses (I used to instigate and he'd seemingly reluctantly sort of hug back but I've stopped as I felt stupid always chasing him and him never doing so), no romance and no 'I love you' even on special occasions?? Oh and no bedtime action for some years. That's not really normal is it?

Been with dh for 20 years but yes things have changed - how could they not?

We have two small kids so sex is infrequent (I've put on a lot of weight too which doesn't help). Still tactile and love him more than life itself. Share lots of things together - talk alot and spend child free time together.

It works for us.

Together 18 years and married for 13.

Romance has never been a big part of our relationship (dh just doesn't 'get' it) although I probably tried more in the early days before I realised there really wasn't any point

We do hug and kiss. We hold hands. We try and go out together a couple of times a month (just us).

I think we are still more than 'just' friends.

That doesn't sound right no. We tell each other we love each other daily.

Yes to hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggles.
Also yes to wanting to throttle him at times .
All very normal IMO

No its not normal.
I got to the point where I felt humiliated when he would compliment other women on their appearance but never me.
Agree familiarity breeds contempt and he is taking you for granted, part of the furniture, etc.

Together 20 years. We are very affectionate with each other. Definitely not just 'friendship'. Lots of hugs, silly prodding and tweaking, handholding in public, foot rubs etc. I couldn't put up with a 'brother and sister' type relationship - have seen it happen often to long established couples. We don't have kids, which helps I think. Less stressful.

Cross posted. It doesn't sound great tbh.

We have dry spells in the bedroom but have never stopped telling each other we love each other or stopped the affection.

Although I do agree with the wanting to bury him under the patio/stab him with the bread knife/throttle him sentiments

Thismouse, are you still with him? I know what you mean about the compliments although mine doesn't overtly give them to other women really either.
I'm sure he looks though. I'm invisible to him

amotherincognito - every marriage is different and as long as both partners are happy with the status quo, that's fine. But you're not, are you.

My parents were married for 30 years before my mother died unexpectedly. Even as an adult I remember them holding hands when they went for a work, greeting each other with a hug and a kiss when one of them came in, etc. My grandparents were similar. As a result of growing up with that modelled in two relationships, I wouldn't settle for anything less, and if you're not happy with treated like an old mate, I don't think you should either.

I don't know what he's like generally. Does he pull his weight around the house? Does he help out with the DC? Is he a kind, generous person to others and to you as well? Or are you the sort of wife who is expected to be part domestic appliance, part convenient sexual partner when the mood takes him. Think long and hard about how you answer that. Context is everything. He could be a good man who loves you and has simply become complacent, or he could be a selfish dick who in no way deserves you. Only you can work that one out.

If he's a good man and you're sure he loves you, I think you have to spell it out and say, "actually DH, no it's NOT normal. There are plenty of couples out there with longer standing relationships than ours and they still show each other affection and romance. Right now I'm feeling miserable and neglected and unless you are prepared to do something about that, I will only be able to conclude that you don't actually care about me and react accordingly". But I'd come prepared with some solutions for him - date nights, a hobby you can pursue together, etc.

Er, no. Got to the stage where I was fed up of being ignored whilst he chatted to other women on facebook. Every time they changed their profile pics he was all "Wow, amazing, you look hot, wolf whistles to you" blah, blah, blah.
Just thought, enough!

Oh gosh I can see why he became an ex-dp. That's awful. I hope your life is better now.

Wise words and questions Dahlen. He is not overtly selfish or horrible. He doesn't value physical affection, isn't interested in me sexually.

He is a good dad. Doesn't do much household stuff because he has the far more full on job.

Twice recently he has got drunk though and has been quite horrible. Nothing aggressive but talking to me like he just doesn't like me very much and e.g. saying I am just like my parents when my parents are very weird and he knows I don't like them/ get on with them etc.

I've tried discussing much of this, we went to counselling but he didn't like it (more like I don't think he liked that he was being asked to compromise) so he didn't want to go back.

He doesn't want to change and is happy the way he is. So I have to like it or lump it. He also thinks lots of marriages are like this after this long and that I have unrealistic expectations (what a hug more than once a year!?) Not sure he is delighted by our marriage either as he thinks I'm off hand and grumpy to him. But to me it's because I feel totally unloved and quite resentful. Sick of lying in bed feeling there is a huge barrier between us.

Even if I've been ill (even once rushed to hospital!) there are no hugs or kisses or any signs of love, there's no caring or on special occasions. I don't think he's literally even touched me for weeks/ months .

Another classic was a while ago I was asking him to do something with the dc and he said he couldn't and to stop nagging him. So I said I wasn't nagging but I thought we were a team as parents. He said 'you can't force me to be part of a team if I don't want to be' . So even the parenting thing is on his terms.

Total lack of affection and sex is not normal, no.

Occasional dry spells, yes (especially with small DC around). Wanting to LTB sometimes, yes. Sometimes it's excrutiatingly difficult to carry on if I'm honest - we have issues that I won't go into here.

But we have been together 21 years and the other evening DH in a somewhat inebriated state was waxing lyrical to me about how wonderful we are together and how much he loves me and fancies me etc etc. And he shows me he loves me all the time - not with grand romantic gestures, but with generosity, practical stuff, and squeezing my bum every time we pass each other in the kitchen. And we laugh together a lot. That's particularly important, I think.

Your DH must realise that other couples don't just give up being affectionate after x number of years - he is just trying to avoid talking about the issues.

Relationship counselling?

'you can't force me to be part of a team if I don't want to be'

So he doesn't really see himself as one of the family. Yet you refer to him as 'a good dad'?

Oh. It's your life and you have to decide what's the lesser of two evils - living like this or throwing it all way. I know I couldn't live like that though.

I am a flawed human being. I have a list of faults as long as my arm. I still deserve to be loved and cherished by the person I am in a relationship with, or, quite frankly, they can fuck off and give me the chance to be treated like that by someone who does care. I am capable of loving someone despite their faults. I expect no less in return (barring abuse and other obvious biggies).

Wanting some affection - a hug after a hard day FGS - is NOT too much to ask for. I'd have said it's a basic necessity in a relationship - otherwise why bother having one?

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me as though he treats you like a convenience and has deliberately tried to hurt you. Long-term marrieds can do that sometimes, but in the context of an otherwise loving relationship where affection and support are mutual, it's ok. In the context of a relationship with physical affection is non-existent, far less so.

I'm sorry. I don't want to stoke an angry fire in you. This is an initial post and you're at the very first stage of thinking about this, but I think you have a lot of thinking to do.

Whatever you decide though, remember that you ARE worth a hug, kiss and "I love you" from the person you married and who promised to love you til death do us part.

I think the crucial thing to ask yourself is ' do I want this for another god knows how many years?'

It sounds soul destroying. And you can change this path you know... He's not going to change is he?

Yes to the pinching your bottom when he walks past. If your DH can't even bring himself to do that occasionally then there's something wrong.
All relationships go through a slow period, where sex is a bit hit and miss, but you still "see" each other in there somewhere.
If it gets to the stage where you are just part of the furniture and everyone else out there is more interesting (as my Dh pointed out to me) then it's time to move on.

Together 15y, married nearly 13. Sex is moderately frequent - a handful of times a month - and has got better and better tbh. We have two dc and busy jobs and lives and need to actively take time to hug, talk etc., and each of us struggles moderately seriously with aspects of the other's behaviour at times (I just had a big, albeit calm rant at him this evening, as it happens), but we can still talk and connect.

You sound very unhappy and it really doesn't sound as if he were doing much to improve the situation I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and try and make it clear what he stands to lose.

"sometimes because I want to strangle him."

Yup, that resonates here!

Yes, things change over time. Yes, friendship is deeply important. But absence of affectionate touch? No, wouldn't be happy with that. Even if actual sex goes through periods of feast and famine, I think you still need physical connection.

OP your situation sounds very similar to mine.
In our house it is very infrequent sex & almost no other physical touching/kissing with the exception of the occasional perfunctory kiss hello/goodbye.
We don't really talk either but he is currently the sole wage earner, he is a good father to DC & we simply could not afford to live apart & so I feel I made this choice & now just have to stick with it.
Occasionally he surprises me by doing something which shows (in his own way) that he does care- normally something practical like chopping wood & lighting the fire for me!!
I (clearly) have no advice but wanted to say you are not alone.

For us OP its a mixture of both. Sometimes we are very close, lovers, and soulmates. Other times we are just mum and Dad or business partners and our relationship is put on the back boiler for a while.
We have had good times and bad, and on a couple of occasions even bloody hated one another and worked through it.
On the whole we are still good friends and we look out for each other, we aren't romantic but never have been really, only very occasionally.
Neither of us would change our lives together, and your thread is quite good timing as we had this conversation a few days ago.