If you have been with your dp 15 or 20 years + what is your relationship like? Trying to work out if I'm realistic

[amotherincognito]

Just as the title says really. I'm thinking of things like do you still do romance, hug, kiss, or has it descended into something more like only a friendship?

Dh thinks the latter is normal...I'm not convinced! I know it won't be the same after 20 years as it was back when we met but just didn't expect this either!

We've been together 29 years next month, we had patches wondering if would last, days I wished I could legally kill the bastard, I'm sure he had those moments too, we worked hard at it. He still grabs me when I go past, hugs me in the kitchen, holds my hand and is my best friend.
He's not a really touchy feelie kind of man, kissing a lot isn't his thing. But always before he leaves for work, or I go out.
Should he pass away I wouldn't have another man, I'm happy to have had this one.

He sounds pretty awful, OP. He has basically told you clearly that he doesn't care if you're unhappy, he doesn't want to change. Your unhappiness is worth less to him than his inertia. That's not a loving man.

FWIW, we have two under fives, we've been together almost 15 years, and we love each other to bits. We have a lot less sex than we used to, although it's ramping up again now that the youngest is almost sleeping through - probably 1-2 times a week? And we try to have a romantic/sexy evening at least every second Saturday night - nice underwear, wine, chatting, bonking. And we would go out together for dinner and things more often if we had babysitting, we miss that. We work in the same street, so we do have lunch together at least once a week so we have some chatting time without the kids there.

We're very much a team - with two working parents and two small children it's a constant flow of 'I have a project to get done, can you take DD1 to ballet, and I'll pick up your shopping on the way home to save you doing it tomorrow', but very much mutual, very much anticipating each other's tasks and monitoring how burned out we are.

But honestly, it's not really whether you're being unrealistic (you're not, though). It's that you have told him that you are unhappy. Told him. And he has said "I don't care, like it or lump it". I don't know how much clearer that can be, honestly.

Together 28 years. Very much a team and he is a rock to me. Like IT I do think familiarity can breed contempt though. We do rub each other up the wrong way about 1% of the time.

Just a quick thank you for your thoughts and posts so far. Doing school holiday things today but i'll be back later. Didn't want it to seem like I wasn't reading as I am.

We have been married for 29 years and hug and kiss a lot. DH looks after himself and I find watching him getting dressed or undressed quite exciting and I just fancy him a lot - as I always have. Sex is no quite as frequent as we would like, unless we are on holiday or off work as we still have DS2 at home and both have elderly mothers who need support. In a way running the house, family, going to work makes it all like running a small business on top of the relationship itself, but we are still very affectionate and very much in love.

OP, I think the main messages coming to you in this thread are Team and connect.
If you're not getting any of that in your relationship, then it's pretty bad and you need to think about what YOU want.
Believe me, staying in a relationship like this is hard and when you get out and realise that there are men out there who will treat you differently, it really can be an eye opener.

Married for 15yrs, still very affectionate, holding hands, cuddles & a snog every day, childcare/house stuff is split equally so neither of us is taken for granted (most of the time!) Sex not as often as we would both like due to dc, few times a month, but it is still awesome and he is the best lover I have ever had. Personally I would not be happy with a relationship devoid of any affection or sex and you so so unhappy.

Take the bull by the horns and have the talk, you deserve better.

I was about to write pretty much what FlatsinDagenham has said.

Its not perfect hearts and flowers, but there is affection, warmth, respect, attraction and love there. I wanted to smother him at 5am when his snoring was stopping me sleeping, and we had words when there was a £20 phone call (international not chat line before anyone gets the wrong idea) on this months bill, but he wakes me up with a cuppa when he gets up for work so he's not all bad.

We've been married 18 years , have 2 DD still at home .
We always kiss goodnight , or when we go out and leave the other at home .
Generally have a cuddle ( or cwtch as we live in Wales !) before we go to sleep , sex still about twice a week .
I do most of the housework and chores , he does all the paperwork , bills and banking .
I don't think I would be happy with living the way you describe anotherincognito

Together 17 years, married 11.
We get on better than ever at the moment, we've had patches where we have had to work at it more, but we are both naturally very affectionate and sex has got better (though less frequent) over the years.

I think we are in a bit of a honeymoon period at the moment as we are both getting fit and therefore more toned and energetic

Oh amother, you know that this isn't right, don't you. He knows how his actions affect you and he still won't change?
You deserve so much more.

He sounds as if he has given up. To tell you he can't be forced to be part of a team when referring to the family is awful. What would happen if you suggested splitting up? His reaction will gauge how important you are to him.,

Ok, so no hugs or kisses (I used to instigate and he'd seemingly reluctantly sort of hug back but I've stopped as I felt stupid always chasing him and him never doing so), no romance and no 'I love you' even on special occasions?? Oh and no bedtime action for some years. That's not really normal is it?

Definitely not normal imo. Obviously everyone, dh and Iincluded, go through patches where we could quite cheerfully strangle each other, but we've certainly never got to that stage.

We kiss each other every morning and evening when we say goodbye and hello, as well as random times during the day. We also spend a lot of our evenings sitting chatting, either out in the garden with candles in summer or by the log fire in winter. We rarely watch tv together, though.

Amother, what is your PILs marriage like?
Just wondering what examples your DH has had to know what a marriage is like?

DH and i have been married nearly 20 years and i'd say we're definitely having more sex now than we were back then (when we were trying to build up a business). The romance is still there though the kids don't like it when we kiss

Something doesn't sound right with your relationship with your DH if he doesn't feel like he's part of the family team. That would ring alarm bells for me.

I know some marriages drift into friendship (my own parents did) but it has to be because you both want it to. Sounds like you both want different things

I don't think it's important if strangers on the internet think your situation is "normal" or not, or even common or not, it's about what each of the 2 of you as individuals want, and what you are prepared to compromise on in order to hold on to all the positive things in your situation.
Doesn't matter in a way if it's 'unique' if the 2 of you are both happy.
Doesn't matter if it's really common if either one of you isn't.
As someone said upthread, are you happy that this is how you are going to spend the next 20 - 30 years of your life? If not, what are the alternatives? Once you've answered those 2 questions then you are in a better position to decide what (if anything) to do.
I do think it's fairly 'normal' to become more 'comfortable' with each other and for the friendship side of your relationship to become stronger when you've been together a long time, and also for the 'romance' and passionate sex side to slow down. It's about how far both of you are happy with the changes.

Take a look at this www.5lovelanguages.com/ ( sorry I don't know how to link) it helped me to understand all of my family better.

Lizzy, you might be onto something there. I suspect it was very unaffectionate when they were alive, from what I've heard.

A bloke writes: 24 years, with a few ups and downs. Sex stopped for a bit, then came back. Neither of us let a day pass without saying "I love you". Housework is ignored equally. Tickles, kisses, silly jokes, fighting over the remote/latest Pratchett/last slice of pizza.

First holiday without DD in two weeks. Packing lube, gin, Viagra and Merrily Watkins 2-5.

WOO HOO!

We've been together 18 years - and I am a bit funny about touching, I don't hug my friends for example, well one once, but she's one of my closest friends and her DP had literally dropped dead that day and, she still makes jokes about having to kill people off to get a hug from me, lol.

I feel uncomfortable if I'm sat too close to friends, so that I'm accidentally touching them...and I don't do things like holding hands in public. (with my DP obviously, not just randomly)

But, I'm not like that with my DP, we cuddle up to watch tv, ok, there's not masses in the way of hugs and kisses randomly, but there's hand holding and things like tickling or a jokey bum grab or I might touch him when I'm talking to him (something I only do with him or the DC really), in bed at night one of us will have an arm round the other for a while.

Sex varies in frequency depending on what else is going on, but it's never completely off the table.

So, while I know I have funny hang ups about touching - it's absolutely still not something more like a friendship.

Together 25 years, fairly affectionate, DH would like our bedroom life to be a lot more active , we share various hobbies and interests, we are totally focussed on raising our child, supporting elderly parents -all the usual middle aged things I suppose - I wouldn't say we stay up late at night having long meaningful conversations about the state of the world as we did when we were younger, more like sitting & reading in contented silence with a glass or two of wine. So, generally, it's pretty good without being fireworks every night sort of thing.

Married 25 years in Dec together 25+-not a first marriage for either of us and a blended family of 5dc who were 13-18 at the beginning of our relationship.
We are very affectionate-hold hands,kiss,cuddle etc but don't bother with sex now.We are best friends and love being together and sharing our dc and dgc.I think we are happier than ever we love just chatting together sharing the cooking and playing the odd game of Scrabble.We go to the cinema/theatre/concerts occasionally and eat out too.We aren't great pub goers but like to entertain our friends here. If the happinss scale reached to the stars we'd be right up there-together.