If you have been with your dp 15 or 20 years + what is your relationship like? Trying to work out if I'm realistic

[amotherincognito]

Just as the title says really. I'm thinking of things like do you still do romance, hug, kiss, or has it descended into something more like only a friendship?

Dh thinks the latter is normal...I'm not convinced! I know it won't be the same after 20 years as it was back when we met but just didn't expect this either!

Ah - that's lovely ThegreyLady

Been together 26 years, married for nearly 16 of those. We still hug/kiss/touch/hold hands, not really big on romantic gestures, but we've never been into that tbh. We're happy with how things are (although I'll admit I'd sometimes like DHs sex drive to be a bit more driven iykwim, but that's a quibble not a sore point) and that's what works for us.

If you and your DH have different expectations then that's going to be a problem. Can you live with the lack of affection? Do you want to? If you're not happy then something has to change.

thegreylady - how did you get your DH to 'not bother with sex now' - I wish mine thought like that .

ychromosome - enjoy that holiday !

Tabulah - think Dh is like you except sadly it does extend towards me not just friends. It's great you can be different with your dh.

To be honest it was mutual.We were both 'at it' a couple of times a day when we were first together then over the years it dwindled to a couple of times a month.Then one day I found a pack of Viagra in his bedside drawer and he confided that he was worried about impotence.I told him truthfully that I wouldn't mind at all if we never did it again-I'd still love him just as much.So we have a cuddle in bed at night and in the morning and do a fair bit of hugging and kissing at other times.he had a heart attack about 11 years ago and tells me he hasn't had an erection since [he is 77].It just isn't relevant to us now but I'm glad we had the early years :)

Married 25 years, together 31. There've been times we've hated each others' guts, caused by stress and resentment (over nightmare ILs on both sides for some of the time).

Life is easier now, dc almost grown up, and the fun and sex is returning - not in the quantity it was when we were young, but a deeper love, contentment and shared achievements have replaced the shagging-like-bunnies phase of outlet earlier years.

I was in a marriage like this and ended up leaving in the end. I developed feelings for a friend and one day the friend in question held my hand and I realised no one had done that for nearly 20 years.

It's been really really hard but living without affection is actually really weird, and not normal at all.

thegreylady: that's so lovely. :)

Married 20 years, so together 22, kids are older now and dont kill each other if left alone.

We've always kissed and cuddled every day, dont so much get the chorus of "urrgh you're gross now"" from the kids.

Sex life is picking up again now the kids are out a bit more.

Never lived in each others pockets though, always had our own interests and friends.

Married for almost 11 years, together 19. The last thing we say to each other each night is I love you. We hold hands, hug, kiss and carry on. We have 4 DC and have sex 2/3 times a week.

It's not always been easy but we're still a team.

If it's making you unhappy, then no, it's not an normal, healthy relationship.

Frequency of sex is irrelevant in general, since people have varying libidos, but if you don't have any sense of togetherness and the lack of sex isn't a mutually agreed thing, then it's a problem.

DH and I have been together for less time than you - just over a decade. Neither of us are that horny, but we enjoy a hug, a bit of a squeeze and a giggle together, even when life with the kids is very trying.

In contrast, I was feeling incredibly alienated by my ex after the same amount of time together.

The thing is although I know I'm not so keen on random touching...I'm not the same with my DP, because it's not the same relationship I have with friends.

Yes we're friend's too and yes we're not all over each other like we were when we met as teenagers, but we have no doubts that we love each other.

If you're feeling unloved and when you try to talk to him about it his reaction isn't to reassure you and try to make you feel more loved - then I'd assume that actually he isn't feeling that he loves you.

I mean, he might not be massively physical, but if he can see it matters to you and chooses to not change what he's doing - there's obviously a reason for that.