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Original poster

Red Flag? Or have I spent too long on MN!

75 replies

MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:06

Have NC for this but am a regular, so a tad worried that I'm reading too much into this after reading lots of threads on this board.

So...DP is having a bit of a shitty time lately. Understandably so. He has an injury (sport) that keeps coming back, dislikes his current job (is doing an OU course soon because of it) and his nan passed away last month.

He came over last night, quite late as he had a sports thing. I'd been sleep training DS so was a bit wound up, which didn't help. Thing is, instead of just saying he had a shit day/was feeling shit or whatever, he just sat there looking blank/being dead quiet. All he said was hello really then sat down and was 'off'. After an hour I asked what was wrong. He then told me the above ^ and it was just getting to him & he wanted to zone out.

FINE. But WIBU to want him to tell me that, rather than come in, looking like thunder, later than he said he'd bloody be & not say a word to me.

What really pissed me off was when I said 'ok, well I'll leave you to it. I'm going to bed, can I have a quick kiss etc' & he said he can't do lovey dovey stuff right now, he just wants to chill out.

I probably wouldn't have minded at all if he just bloody told me then had his little moment (we all have them, so it's not like I don't understand & I know he's upset about a lot right now).

I find it hard to believe he'd have acted like that with a friend I guess, and that makes me uneasy.

I'm being a bitch, aren't I? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:09

(this really surprised me as he's quite emotionally intelligent usually & I didn't really expect him to go about it in such an immature way...without meaning to sound harsh. I'm probably being a bit selfish as I've not slept well due to DS, hence the sleep training).

OP posts:
lordleofric · 31/07/2013 19:10

Does he have his own place? Why did he come over if he wanted to "chill out"?

Mixxy · 31/07/2013 19:10

Yes. Maybe you both had a bad day and you might have liked a chance to vent. He's not up to it right now. Give him a week or two and see how he is.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:12

(He's gone back to being normal/everything's ok today, which is just weirding me out as he was so cold last night. It's made me feel a bit uneasy. I'm going to speak to him and explain that I have no problem with it as long as he just explains that that's what's going on...)

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Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:14

He lives elsewhere...which is why I was a bit Hmm

If I've had that bad a day I make use of the fact we don't live together and tell him I need a night to myself.

or usually just have a cry on him

I don't invite him over then mope silently for an hour...

I've taken a raincheck tonight as I'm knackered from DS and can't handle a repeat.

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solarbright · 31/07/2013 19:16

If he doesn't live with you, then I'd be a bit Hmm that he chose to come over if he wanted to be alone and quiet. But unless he's like this a lot, then he had a bad day. If it's a one off, and he wakes up next day saying, thanks for being so understanding - then I wouldn't worry. But if he keeps it up, I'd be wary. Once is impolite but understandable, over & over is manipulative and immature.

ToffeeWhirl · 31/07/2013 19:17

Sounds like he just needed your company, without any demands being made on him. He didn't want to be on his own.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:20

It just seemed a bit melodramatic though. I had to ask what was wrong, he wasn't going to tell me. (I kept casually saying 'you ok' then eventually said 'what's wrong, you're really off' and he told me ).

I do really care about him & he knows it but I just found it a bit strange.

I don't know...

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sarahseashell · 31/07/2013 19:21

how long have you been together OP?

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:25

He's only had 1/2 days in the last 10 months where he's said he's had such a shit day that he needs to just unwind at home then come over IYSWIM? So it's the first time he's done it.

I guess I'm just worried it isn't a one off, as he also said 'it just happens to him sometimes'. That's fine, but say so. It just seemed like an immature way to go about it?

I've been depressed before & I still managed not to do that to people...It just felt a bit manipulative, if that makes sense?

But maybe I was imagining it/over tired?

I feel bad because he is sad.

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Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:27

10months.

A very selfish part of me though 'oh god, are you going to go about it like that everytime you're feeling low'?

He previously used to say he was having an off day & wanted some quiet...and I accepted that no problem. It's that weird way of going about it that I'm unsure of.

I sound heartless but i really do care about him. I just don't want to be blind about anything either.

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Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:29

(When I say depressed I mean sever, hospitalized etc, so I'm not talking out of my arse, though I know everyone's different & deals with it differently).

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AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 19:34

Well, I am a consummate Red Flag Spotter but I am only seeing a yellow one here

he felt comfortable enough to come over even though he felt like shit

perhaps he just wanted to be with you and feel like shit , but yes, he should have been upfront about that

tallwivglasses · 31/07/2013 19:34

Sorry, I think it is a red flag and you're right to be wary. It wouldn't have killed him to give you a quick kiss and say sorry for being such a grump. He was down and he wanted to bring you down as well. Make it clear to him that if it becomes a habit he can stay away.

meditrina · 31/07/2013 19:34

Have you spoken to him today? Has he had anything to say about why he was like that?

If this is the first time he's done this, then you're right to note it and to explain to him that you didn't like it (and specifically why). An off time once in a blue moon is part of the normal ups and downs (particularly if you talk about it afterwards with the aim of finding better ways of dealing with such moments in future). But if it proves to be the start of a pattern, then yes it's better spotted early. A lot depends on his normal ways of dealing with difficulty and his attitude today. And your making it clear what your limits are.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:34

I mostly posted because it hasn't stopped niggling at me all day & I can't work out why.

Maybe it's just the tiredness & the fact he's never been like that before...

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AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 19:35

repeated yellow flags do, of course, convert to a red one

perhaps time will tell ?

make it clear to him

level3at6months · 31/07/2013 19:37

Doesn't sound like a red flag to me. He chose to come over and be miserable rather than stay away and be miserable - isn't that a positive thing?

sarahseashell · 31/07/2013 19:38

I don't think you sound heartless at all.

I'd be thinking Hmm why's he come over to do that. I think your responses/thoughts are sound and the part of you that's telling yourself it's selfish to think that/you're imagining it and so on is the part you should ignore IYSWIM.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:39

^ that's what I thought. A peck before bed. And it obviously was bringing us both down as he continued to sit there looking pained even when I turned the TV off and wanted the light on Hmm

So I found myself just sort of sitting there like Confused

It made it feel personal if that makes sense, even though it wasn't?

He seemed sort of sorry after, we cuddled before bed and he seems ok today.

I'm also wary of how sensitive I am to others and how it can affect my ability not to have a relapse (though I've been ok for about 3 years now).

I needed the second opinion really to be able to talk to him about it without feeling like IBU.

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Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:41

I have no qualms about saying it's not the right way to go about it.

I said exactly that last night, then we cuddled, as he seemed to think 'shit, she's not having it' if that makes sense Hmm

He knew I was stressed about DS's sleeping and in the midst of re training him and surely it's obvious that it looks like you're giving someone the cold shoulder if you don't say anything and sit there looking like a slapped arse?

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sarahseashell · 31/07/2013 19:41

sounds like you're more concerned about the way he communicated (or rather didn't communicate) rather than that he was low? but also if you've been very depressed in the past it's natural to question how it will affect you if you have a partner prone to depression IMO

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 19:41

many men are useless at saying they feel low, or saying how they feel about anything.
They aren't as gushy as women.

He wanted company but didn't want to talk about it all.

That's fair enough.

sometimes when people are really down they just want to sit and stare into space.

I wouldn't take it personally or make it all about you- he's the one who is unhappy.

maybe in a day or 2 you could mention it- kindly- and say you felt shut out and might he understand how it's 'good to talk' about stuff?

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:45

^ I'm not trying to make it about me though. That's what I'm worried about accidently doing.

And he normally tells me he's upset/had a shit day and often asks for a cuddle! Or to just chill.

He said nothing, besides hello and seemed to purposefully look at just the TV or the wall on that side.

I'll try not to be too self centred about it anyway.

I'm just concerned as the atmosphere was horrible for that whole hour and after the stress of DSs bedtime I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

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Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:46

I am concerned that he's low by the way.

And am happy to sit in silence with him if that's what helps but I had no idea what was going on last night. It was just weird.

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