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Original poster

Red Flag? Or have I spent too long on MN!

75 replies

MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:06

Have NC for this but am a regular, so a tad worried that I'm reading too much into this after reading lots of threads on this board.

So...DP is having a bit of a shitty time lately. Understandably so. He has an injury (sport) that keeps coming back, dislikes his current job (is doing an OU course soon because of it) and his nan passed away last month.

He came over last night, quite late as he had a sports thing. I'd been sleep training DS so was a bit wound up, which didn't help. Thing is, instead of just saying he had a shit day/was feeling shit or whatever, he just sat there looking blank/being dead quiet. All he said was hello really then sat down and was 'off'. After an hour I asked what was wrong. He then told me the above ^ and it was just getting to him & he wanted to zone out.

FINE. But WIBU to want him to tell me that, rather than come in, looking like thunder, later than he said he'd bloody be & not say a word to me.

What really pissed me off was when I said 'ok, well I'll leave you to it. I'm going to bed, can I have a quick kiss etc' & he said he can't do lovey dovey stuff right now, he just wants to chill out.

I probably wouldn't have minded at all if he just bloody told me then had his little moment (we all have them, so it's not like I don't understand & I know he's upset about a lot right now).

I find it hard to believe he'd have acted like that with a friend I guess, and that makes me uneasy.

I'm being a bitch, aren't I? Hmm

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 31/07/2013 19:47

but why didn't he sit and stare into space in his own house Confused

you've got yourself and dc to look after OP

nkf · 31/07/2013 19:49

Hmm. Don't know. Not a red flag, I'd say. More a miscomunication.

nkf · 31/07/2013 19:50

Actually, maybe. A wait and see sort of situation. Not an absolute red flag.

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 19:50

I think you need to chill. Panic attack over a man sitting silently and getting a child to bed? Hmm

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:50

^ that's exactly what I mean though. He has the option to, and my presence seemed to be annoying him, rather than helping. Especially the going to bed bit, which is when I lost my cool and said the bit about going about it a better way etc.

I can't handle studying for my degree, a sleep-fighting toddler and that at the end of the day, if it's not gone about in a better way.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:52

well he looked like something terrible had happened or like he was in serious pain...but he was 'ok' apparently, until I fished the reasons out of him Hmm

So yes, after an hour I was sufficiently stressed out and wanted to tell him to go home.

OP posts:
Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 19:52

so it is all about you.

I think you need to step back and get some perspective. Are you always so intolerant?

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:53

p.s said child has a mild disability that makes the getting to bed a much more stressful situation than your average toddler, so yes, I am pretty stressed after an hour of getting him to go to sleep...

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:54

^ read upthread. I did actually say I was fine with it, if he'd just say something was wrong, not act obviously off or like something awful had happened then say it was 'nothing'

OP posts:
Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 19:56

Maybe the answer is to control the whole situation more. If this man is not living with you and is a boyfriend rather than a 'partner' maybe he ought not to come over in the evenings while you are having a hard time with your son and your degree. Maybe you need to keep evening meetings to a minimum until your son is settled and this guy doesn't turn up around bedtime.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 19:58

He doesn't come over til 9ish anyway but I am considering keeping it more to weekends, as I struggle in the week (and feel bad that I can't be as 'there for him' due to everything else anyway). I know it sounds selfish but I am spread thinly at the moment and am trying to do my best by everyone.

Last night just threw me.

OP posts:
nkf · 31/07/2013 20:01

People sitting about radiating I have a problem vibes but saying, "there's nothing wrong," when you ask are deeply annoying. Or rather that situation is annoying. Better if he'd said, "Sorry. I've had a terrible day. I'm terrible company tonight. I'll go home and try and sleep it off."

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:06

^ that's what I mean. I'm glad if he feels like he can be around me when he feels that bad but that was what made me a bit Confused by it.

It felt horrible and it wasn't necessary. I wouldn't do it to him. It felt like I 'had' to ask, if that makes sense. He wasn't going to tell me of his own accord but was going to be like that the whole time.

I feel bad for him, as he's having a shitty time but that's a funny thing to do, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:08

am a bit Blush but did feel like saying 'then can you stop acting like something's terribly wrong please'!?

Because I care about him it's pretty hard to act like it's a normal evening and relax when he's being like that.

OP posts:
fabulousfoxgloves · 31/07/2013 20:10

This sounds like one of those situations where you possibly had to be there to get the uncomfortableness, and I would keep an eye on how you feel. That is not making it about you, just that your feelings are there for a reason.

He is within his rights to be quiet and wthdrawn, and not to want to discuss in detail at that time of night. He probably wanted to come see you because you are important to him, but after 9 o clock when you are stressed, he has had a bad day is not going to go well. But a simple explanation when he came in would not have gone amiss. I probably would not react well to a brooding man on my sofa either when I had spent an hour getting DS to bed.

Doing purposeful activity improves well-being, so if he does it again, point him in the direction of the dishes or some other productive task...

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:14

I don't think I was being OTT about how uncomfortable^ it was and progressively got until I said 'look, what is it'.

I get withdrawn when I'm low, like most people, but I always explain it's an off day/briefly say why if they're close etc. I thought that was just what you do?

I probably would not react well to a brooding man on my sofa either when I had spent an hour getting DS to bed - exactly.

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Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:17

It may not happen again, in that way because I did say that, in a nice way and explain that whilst I'm obviously concerned if he's upset/had a shit day I don't like he way he's gone about it...then he asked for a cuddle and seemed a bit sheepish but I'm not sure as he did say 'I just do this sometimes...'

Fine, but please say so in that case, rather than all that 'i'm ok'-but-obviously-not stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:27

It's hard to articulate but it just felt a bit 'wrong' at the time. I can't really explain why besides what I've said.

I think some space will do us good. I'm shattered so this has been niggling at me on/off all day and I don't trust myself to think clearly, which is also mostly why I've posted so I do really appreciate the replies.

OP posts:
nkf · 31/07/2013 20:30

Get some sleep. That'll do you the world of good.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:32

Will be shortly. DS just woke again so am making sure he's definitely down before I try and get a few winks.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 20:47

he doesn't come over until 9'ish when you are struggling with sleep training ???

I would find that disruptive

what is he doing until then (apart from being another person you have to consider)

I would expect him earlier, and I would expect him as a participant actually, not a sulky bystander

I think you have been too tolerant so far, and now you are realising it

he may not be ds's father, but he is your partner yes, not someone else to "wrangle" ?

why do women try to do everything ? Rope him in, fgs, it might direct his attention away from the ego that is him

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:50

He does often ask to help with the sleep training. He finishes work at 7, then has to walk home and pick up stuff if he's staying over. He has sports on this particular night so was over later than I thought he would be.

I think I might just say come over on the way home from work (so he'd be over at half 7/8) then he should stay at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:51

(It does piss me off to be honest that if we're to have any sort of evening together I end up staying up later than I'd like. I might suggest that when my course restarts in September that we just the evenings only, no overnights unless it's weekend set up? )

OP posts:
wordyBird · 31/07/2013 20:51

I won't stray into red flag territory yet. But a few warning lights are lit.

  • you had to play 20 questions with him to find out what's wrong. How hard is it to say 'it's not you , just fed up today'? Why didn't he do that?
  • as others have said, why come round if you want to be alone? I think, because he wanted to be fed up in your company. And have you play 20 questions. ?
  • why not warn you he was going to be late, or apologise lightly when he arrived. That's the polite thing to do.

-why no apology for being 'off' last night. Just a light 'sorry I was moody' is, again?.polite. So I read this as: he isn't bothered about offending you. It's interesting that he feels fine today, after making you feel uncomfortable last night.

Finally ? you were there, and you feel uneasy.

Long analysis (!). At this point, like you, I would probably want to put my friendly but assertive hat on, and make it clear that I don't find that acceptable. Because it shows a lack of care for your comfort and feelings, for no good reason.

Original poster
MadMadsMikkelsen · 31/07/2013 20:53

Thank you.

That makes me feel like much less of a bitch!

I just feel like a bit of the piss is being taken at times.

He sort of said sorry last night but the fact he seems back to normal today after being so off last night has unsettled me.

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