Red Flag? Or have I spent too long on MN!

[MadMadsMikkelsen]

Have NC for this but am a regular, so a tad worried that I'm reading too much into this after reading lots of threads on this board.

So...DP is having a bit of a shitty time lately. Understandably so. He has an injury (sport) that keeps coming back, dislikes his current job (is doing an OU course soon because of it) and his nan passed away last month.

He came over last night, quite late as he had a sports thing. I'd been sleep training DS so was a bit wound up, which didn't help. Thing is, instead of just saying he had a shit day/was feeling shit or whatever, he just sat there looking blank/being dead quiet. All he said was hello really then sat down and was 'off'. After an hour I asked what was wrong. He then told me the above ^ and it was just getting to him & he wanted to zone out.

FINE. But WIBU to want him to tell me that, rather than come in, looking like thunder, later than he said he'd bloody be & not say a word to me.

What really pissed me off was when I said 'ok, well I'll leave you to it. I'm going to bed, can I have a quick kiss etc' & he said he can't do lovey dovey stuff right now, he just wants to chill out.

I probably wouldn't have minded at all if he just bloody told me then had his little moment (we all have them, so it's not like I don't understand & I know he's upset about a lot right now).

I find it hard to believe he'd have acted like that with a friend I guess, and that makes me uneasy.

I'm being a bitch, aren't I?

I disagree. Kids who have sleep issues need routine and a calm home. Adding in another adult who is not their parent or lives with them makes things harder- kids often play up for attention.

I'd suggest he keeps away at bedtimes until your DC is asleep, or you limit the amount of times you see him at your house on weekdays.

can you get a babysitter so you can go out?

How old is your DC and what time do you want him to go to sleep?

He's 2.

And I often say thanks but no thanks for that reason (plus he's a bit too 'wet' about re-settling him even if he doesn't think he is).

(he goes down at 7 & his dad has him one night every other weekend, so we do get a few nights a month to ourselves).

I agree, Bo

he is either a full participant, or he keeps his sulky attention-seeking self well away for the duration

no half measures tolerated

Having had kids with sleep issues I know they can play up with anyone around- grandparents, friends, etc- best to stick to 1:1 until they are settled into a routine.

^ DS has seen a fair bit of him at weekends/weekday mornings and tbf to him he asks what he should do/how he can help/be involved in making things easier in the day.

Part of it is probably because he doesn't live with us/have kids himself so he doesn't understand how hard it can be at times, especially sleep wise.

^ I just feel like withdrawing a bit and going back to him not staying during the week.

I'm so tired and I can't handle the late nights when I star studying again.

*start

Hmm he sounds like a bit of a sulker. Looking black and gloomy to make you tease it out of him gradually. Not a red flag but maybe too much hard work!
I observed this on Sunday with my daughter and her BF. He has a history of depression and when upset goes into a black mood and refuses to interact with her friends and family. He left me to carry six bags down stairs for her while he stropped in the bedroom. Very hard work and annoying and I am a bit worried having seen him close up.

Could you imagine living with DP? If your DS is being hard work and you are exhausted will he be a support or another person wanting your attention?

Hope you feel better after a sleep. You sound a good mum !

And i still feel a bit surprised as he's so good in other ways and is having a rough time himself. but he's also about 5 years older than me & I didn't expect him to behave like that. I guess it's made me re-question a lot of other things too and look at the bigger picture.

Aw thank you lemon

He's naturally bubbly actually which is what I love about him.

He's often supportive if I've had a crap day etc as am I with him but I think we'll struggle if we're maybe both having a crappy time. Not sure.

(not struggle because I don't care or have too much on or anything...struggle because he seemed to think we were playing a game of 'whose day was worst' for a while last night...once we were actually talking).

My xp used to do this I just always wished she'd tell me that she needed space rather than make me think it was me.

He did eventually tell me...and say he'd explain in the future if he was in upset etc and was coming over.

It did wind me up though at the time.

I feel a bit stupid because on paper, our evening set up sounds like a piss take considering the context but it just sort of went that way without me noticing or thinking much of it. Though it's been winding me up how late it's been getting on the weekday eve's.

Ease back on the evenings if they stress you. And go to bed.

Yes miss

(It has really helped me clear my head though).

It all sounds very me me me me me

Give the guy a break. You list all the reasons why he's been down recently and then make it all about yourself. You sound .... Needy.

So - he's had a bereavement, he has an injury and he has work problems. For ONE night only, he's on a downer, a bad mood, he's a bit 'off' ... And you're talking of red lag behaviour and other posters talk about telling him to take his shitty sulking face elsewhere.

Hmmmm. I see a red flag. You're the one in possession of it.

Where did I say that I didn't care or that I minded him being down!?

It was the pretending he wasn't but making it obvious he was that I took issue with.

I've been there for him completely this last month & haven't offloaded etc to try and give him some emotional space and let him feel comfortable to 'not be ok'. He'd been feeling really good for about 2 weeks before this.

I don't think I have an 'issue' because I don't want him coming over close to 10pm & doing that but saying 'he's fine' etc when he was clearly anything but.

It probably is a bit selfish but I haven't got room for 'games' at the end of the day.

I'm going to talk to him later but just to reiterate that I do care and want him to feel comfortable around me in whatever state but I just didn't like the way he turned up late, didn't say anything & was obviously really upset, despite saying he wasn't. (It really did seem like he was doing it to make me fish it out of him...which is the issue).

DS slept better than he has done in weeks so I feel much calmer anyway. I'm pretty sure that's made me a little harsher than I might be (I've been studying most evenings when I should've really been in bed but not got much choice there).

There are 2 ways to look at this-
maybe he didn't want to bother you by offloading. maybe that's why he said he was 'fine'.

maybe he's a guy who finds it hard to open up when he's really down?

Unless this is constant behaviour- ie not opening up and having a silent sulk, then I'd let it go.

Perhaps the real issues are you are very busy, your child doesn't sleep well, and the boyfriend drops by when what you need is some peace and quiet at the end of a day, and time just for you and your DC?

I wouldn't make such a big deal of one -off episode because it does make you sound rather intense.

But there was no mistaking that he wasn't fine. I don't think a stranger would've bought it, let alone someone who knows him.

I do think the other issues make it difficult sometimes. I think it's just made me realize that come September we're gonna need to change the weekday set up, if he does come over. I can see it going badly otherwise as his job is going to get harder then (people are leaving) & my course will be much tougher and longer hours. The weekends we have together are usually great as we're not as stressed or tired so there's no harm in just sticking to those and one or 2 weeknights instead of 3/4 weeknights is there?

He rang this morning and apologized anyway. Said he thought felt bad about being so off and not saying so/pretending otherwise. He wasn't thinking and was upset (fair enough, he really has had quite a shit summer). I'm obviously not saying anything now as I doubt it'll happen again anyway.

And like I said before...he's unusually open about emotional things, most of the time. And when he's pretended to be ok in the past, then later told me (as he was trying not to offload when he thought it was a bad time etc) I'd had no idea anything was up, which is why it seemed so odd at the time.

Seems to be sorted now anyway.