Really worried about friend in possible romance scam

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just heard something from a good friend that has really worried me and I would like to hear others' opinions.

A bit of background: My friend has been very lonely since her divorce in February (the marriage was, by her own admission, a disaster and only lasted a year). She has always been the sort of person who jumps into relationships.

The current situation: She has met someone on a dating site, whom she has been talking to for 3 months. He claims to be in the US army currently based abroad. She says that he must be genuine because they have spoken on webcam on Skype. However, to me that is not conclusive proof that he is legitimate. I am aware that scams involving fake US soldiers are very common.

What's really scaring me is that this man is coming to stay with my friend for a week very soon! She has never met him before! He claims to have a house nearby but 'doesn't want to be alone' so he's staying with my friend. This is after he supposedly returns from his last army placement to retire.

To me, there are a lot of red flags here. I think my friend is absolutely crazy and I am terrified for her safety - but she insists she is in love with this man and knows him well.

Any advice would be welcome please.

[shotofexpresso]

So is he asking for her to pay for his plane ride over?

[SlumberingDormouse]

He's asking for money to bail him out of jail at the airport! As if... I think the full details of the sob story are earlier in the thread.

My friend says she is 'ok' and I suppose she is in the sense that she is carrying on with her life and is at work today as usual. However, she says she doesn't feel ready to go to the police yet. That, I have to admit, bothers me. Where is her anger? The fact that she hasn't reached the angry stage yet makes me fear that she could easily be reeled back in. She has also cancelled her upcoming holiday, which I think is a bad idea.

[Caster8]

It is like sharks and they are having a feeding frenzy.

[Caster8]

www.midsummerseve.com/article/online_dating_scams_419

Scary stuff

[Squitten]

I would imagine she feels so humiliated and ashamed of how stupid she has been that she can't bring herself to admit to the full extent of it, which is what she would have to do if the police were involved.

My mother has been involved in online dating and I think she nearly got stung by a scammer. Thankfully, she told me a vague story about someone asking for money and I told her in no uncertain terms that it was a scam and if I found out she had been sending money to anyone, I would kill her. Thankfully she thought better of it.

[shotofexpresso]

Wow, ok yes I would make her aware of your worry,

Does she have LD? how is she falling for any of this?

[clam]

Have read that link, but I'm afraid I still don't understand how people can fall for this sort of thing, if they're otherwise intelligent. I'm really sorry, but I just don't.

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just found out that the amount lost is four times what I initially thought. It can only have come from a remortgage. I broke down in tears when I found out. :( My friend has a PhD and a high-flying career. The scammer's emails are so obviously scams and very poorly spelt. How the fuck did she get so sucked into this?!

[skyeskyeskye]

I am very sorry for your friend that she fell for this. A hard lesson learned sadly.

All you can do is be there for her and keep an eye on her. Does she honestly now understand that it is a scam? She is not likely to send any more money is she?

It must be very hard for her to realise that the man she fell for doesn't actually exist and she may need counselling and help to get through this.

[SlumberingDormouse]

I fear she will send more money as they are now trying the trick: 'You will lose all the money you've already paid if you don't pay the final part!' She keeps asking me to find out where emails are coming from etc, as if she still has hope. To me, this is irrelevant as IT IS ALL A SCAM.

[flatmum]

I think maybe you should get her GP involved. as others have said it is impossible to believe that an intelligent professional with a phd (I know the mental rigour involved in this) would fall for what are well publicised and obvious scams. I think she must be having a mental health crisis to have given people that can't even spell large amounts of cash. It is lovely that you are there for her, but I am thinking she must nee some professional help as well.

[skyeskyeskye]

you really need to get her to realise that this is a scam. a well known scam. please google info and give it to her to read. if she parts with any more money, she is a fool!!! I am so sorry for her, but she has got to wise up and see sense now. It must be heartbreaking for her if she has really fallen for this "man", but she needs to realise that he simply DOES NOT EXIST! She has been talking to a gang of scammers, not one lovely, in trouble, man....

Please please do all that you can to stop her parting with even more money :(

[joanofarchitrave]

Slumbering I would agree with you, she is still emotionally tied up in this and I bet she is planning ways to give them more money. It is terrifying what can happen in this situation.

I have a male relative who has been involved in one of these situations. I was very complacent about it for over a year as he has no money. It turned out that he managed to persuade all kinds of random people to give HIM money, to pass on to them. They then phoned me...

Yes, I do think people who get sucked into this have some kind of vulnerability - there ARE people who would never get involved. But more people are vulnerable in more ways than you would imagine.

I have no advice. Keep supporting her. If she brings it up, say 'it's a scam,ithurts me to hear you have been scammed' and change the subject. If you have any way to protect her financially, do it, but don't lend her money because she will probably give it to them.

[joanofarchitrave]

sorry but what the hell is her GP supposed to do?? She is an adult! She has the mental capacity to make stupid decisions.

[flatmum]

Look either she is stupid or behaving very out of character for a reasonably intelligent person as the OP asserts. if that's the case then she clearly needs some sort of counselling or intervention and correct me If I am wrong but the normal way to arrange that is through your GP. The GP is meant to do what they always do, refer someone to the appropriate professional - counsellor, psychologist or whatever.

[McBalls]

I agree, it sounds like she's having some sort of MH crisis.

Is there any chance at all the she's making this up? It just sounds so utterly ridiculous.

[SlumberingDormouse]

She's not making it up. I have seen emails, receipts, bank statements, Skype chats, telephone logs... She is not a liar. This is VERY out of character. Is there any way I could get mental health services involved without her permission?

[WafflyVersatile]

It is possible to talk to someone's GP about your concerns, if you know who their GP is. They can't discuss her with you, obviously but they can listen and note your concerns. I don't really know what they could do in this instance though, tbh.

The other option is to phone the council mental health team but again I don't know what they can do, if anything, or how fast they can do it.

Being foolish with money or love aren't really the sort of thing you can be committed for.

[WafflyVersatile]

Apart from the police managing to do something all she can really do is face up to the fact that she's racked up a big debt and she will have to work to pay it off, the same as if someone maxes out their credit cards.

[SlumberingDormouse]

Hmm, indeed. I want to make her see sense completely, but there's only so much I can do as she is a competent adult. At least she now accepts it is a scam, even if she doesn't want to believe it.

I'm so sad for her. Her ex-ex-partner left her with nothing because they weren't married and he owned all their assets. She has built herself up again from the ground. Now this has wiped out her savings in one fell swoop. It's horrible.

[WafflyVersatile]

I hope she comes to her senses before sending good money after bad.

[clam]

"Now this has wiped out her savings in one fell swoop."

Well, to be fair, "this" is actually her choosing to spend her money, albeit from a loan, in this way. Someone else might have blown a similar amount on a flash car, or gambling or cocaine. How can we legislate for that? We might not do the same ourselves, but we can't exactly report a friend to the GP or other authorities for having different priorities in life.

And this is also why I stand by my earlier point that you cannot fall in love with someone you've never met.

[flatmum]

I totally agree that you can't be in love with someone you've never met. Pheremones, smell etc are all required and have to be conpatible - that's why people talk about having chemistry. how can you have chemistry via a screen?

[Bant]

You can't have chemistry via a screen, but the mind is a strange thing. If someone says all the right things then you can create a fantasy. A projection of who you think they are, which you can become infatuated with. This is a common problem with Internet dating, you can chat for hours or days with someone you've never met, build up an attachment to them, and when you do meet you're disappointed by the reality. But if there are constant plausible reasons why you can't meet then the fantasy persists and you fall in a reasonable facsimile of love with them

[Punkatheart]

Good points, Bant. Often the more cerebral you are - the greater this kind of attraction will be...it's all words and magic, after all.

Poor woman though - she some ways she is clearly losing her mind.