Really worried about friend in possible romance scam

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just heard something from a good friend that has really worried me and I would like to hear others' opinions.

A bit of background: My friend has been very lonely since her divorce in February (the marriage was, by her own admission, a disaster and only lasted a year). She has always been the sort of person who jumps into relationships.

The current situation: She has met someone on a dating site, whom she has been talking to for 3 months. He claims to be in the US army currently based abroad. She says that he must be genuine because they have spoken on webcam on Skype. However, to me that is not conclusive proof that he is legitimate. I am aware that scams involving fake US soldiers are very common.

What's really scaring me is that this man is coming to stay with my friend for a week very soon! She has never met him before! He claims to have a house nearby but 'doesn't want to be alone' so he's staying with my friend. This is after he supposedly returns from his last army placement to retire.

To me, there are a lot of red flags here. I think my friend is absolutely crazy and I am terrified for her safety - but she insists she is in love with this man and knows him well.

Any advice would be welcome please.

[ToTheTeeth]

Now now Clam you're being very judgemental. But someone will come along in a minute and tell you that her friend fell for one of these, but is really good at crosswords and stuff, so you can put your judgey pants away.

[WafflyVersatile]

Lots of people grow feelings for people they meet online. They are not automatically scammers or fantacists. Scams didn't start with the internet either, it's just one tool.

And the reason scams are so successful is because the scammers are good at it and know the right ways to manipulate normal human emotions.

These particular ones play on people's loneliness or wish to enjoy the frisson that comes with clicking with someone, the perfectly normal desire to be loved, cared for, feel appreciated etc etc. Other scams work on other human emotions like charity, politeness, fear of making a scene etc.

No, I haven't been scammed by one of these fantasy military lotharios, before anyone asks!

[clam]

Well I don't know what "feelings" they're growing, but it's not 'love.'

[WafflyVersatile]

hoik away.

There are plenty of people in relationships who would describe their feelings as love then found out the person they've been living with wasn't actually the person they thought they knew at all. Lots of people in real life make shit up and hide stuff. It's not just an internet thing. Lots of people make close bonds with people on the internet, sometimes never meeting them or not meeting them for a long time. providing they are being honest with each other then that bond is just as valid as any other.

Lonely hearts scams have been around long before the internet.

[comingintomyown]

Yes ok BUT how does it not seem incongruous when your new internet love wants hard cash ? Sorry but how are these people "so clever" and able to "push buttons" ?

[WafflyVersatile]

Ask them, or ask their victims. They do manage to do it so they are obviously clever enough.

[Caster8]

tbh, I dont really get it either. I would be careful about lending money to relatives. Lending money to a person I have never even met. Forget it.
Lending them large sums of £10,000 plus. You have got to be kidding me.

[clam]

God, if my husband said he needed 10K I'd get a detective on it!

[comingintomyown]

[WafflyVersatile]

My guess is by the time they ask for money their victims are already invested in the 'relationship' and the money is to protect that. The scammer has made them feel happy and appreciated and hopeful for the future, possibly for the first time in a while. Who doesn't like feeling happy and appreciated and hopeful for the future? Wait! Like all good romantic novels there is an obstacle. Oh no! It's ok. All that stands between them and their happy future is 1k, 10k etc. This is also maybe a chance to help this person who has brought these things to you.

[comingintomyown]

I spose but

1. I am careful with money
   

1. I would say Oh no darling how will you get that 1k,10k etc but maybe that links to 1

[WafflyVersatile]

Me too.

I wish I'd taken a bit more of a leap of faith in my last relationship. things might have turned out a lot better if I wasn't scared to risk a bit of money or giving up my job to relocate. I'm sure some people don't get that I didn't.

People in people are not all the same shocker!

[tigerdriverII]

Good grief, your poor friend (literally so now, by the sound of it). I really do feel for her.

For those who are judging, think on this:

• people invest in virtual friendships all the time. Just look at all the high fiving that goes on on here, not in a romantic sense
  

• think of some of the really shocking troll threads on here over the years. People invest emotionally, often in a soap opera way, but also often because of supposed shared experiences etc. it's very seductive
  

• the media is full of happy tales of Internet dating. In fact, you'd think that no one met in the traditional ways any more. So if you're lonely and vulnerable, of course you'll think "me too". And (guessing here) perhaps it feels safer and more in control to "get to know someone" online.
  

• to quote scottishmummy: we're all just words on a screen. But lots of people don't see it that way.
  

Rant over. I hope this thread has warned anyone who is being lulled into a scam.

[SlumberingDormouse]

FWIW, I don't really 'get' it either (I am cynical to a fault), but that doesn't stop me understanding how it works, and having a great deal of sympathy for my friend. People often don't realise how enticing these things can be until they get in over their heads.

[WafflyVersatile]

But we're not all just words on a screen. That's the thing. Every word is typed by a real person even the trolls are real people.

[Dfg15]

omg, are some women really this desperate. Why, why, why would anyone take out a loan to send money to someone they have never met!! my mind is boggling!

[Bant]

These things aren't just a voice out of the blue saying 'hi, can you lend me some money?' They take weeks, months even, building up a relationship. It's someone charming, attractive, funny, sweet. They email, e-chat, talk on the phone, on skype. And there is a small problem with something. They're not poor, they have money, there's just a problem with the legalities of something.

So it starts off small, a little bit of help, like a charitable donation for someone you care about, a small loan, then it grows over time until they're financially invested in getting the money back from someone they trust, but they can only get it back if they lend just a bit more..

Victims aren't stupid. They may be a bit desperate possibly, but they're just hopeful more than anything. And as has been said, these people know how to manipulate someone

[Dfg15]

I can understand a small amount of money, that might be already in a bank account, savings whatever. But to actually take out a loan.. Sorry but the victims ARE stupid. I've been in a situation like this, did online dating for a while, got talking to a guy, his picture was gorgeous. But as soon as he started asking for money alarm bells started ringing all over the place and I stopped all contact.

[WafflyVersatile]

Everyone has their weakness, vulnerabilities. You have yours and theirs makes them susceptible to these scammers.

[QuinionsRainbow]

I can understand using the internet to facilitate the process of meeting people, but I fail to see how anyone can say that they "love" someone that they have never met in person. Or am I old-fashioned and missing the point!

[glastocat]

All these scams are a numbers game though. It's easy to say, oh I wouldn't send money ( I know I wouldn't, as someone else said I wouldn't even give my husband 10k) but these scammers target so many people, even if only one in a hundred falls for it they are quids in. It's like the old story about the guy who asks every woman he meets to sleep with him, if one in a hundred or thousand says yes, it's a win for him!

[Caster8]

"A small loan"
Do people give out "small loans" a lot in everyday life?
Perhaps they do. I think most would if they could and if the cause was genuine, to children even when older.
But friends even? I would want to know details first.

Seems like there must be people used to giving out "small loans". But I take glastos point that it is a bit of a numbers game.

[zippey]

People fall for scams all the time. Have you seen the ones on Facebook et al saying FB will donate $1 every time a picture is forwwarded, or that you'll get bad luck if you dont forward messages on... these are all part of the same picture.

Its an expensive lesson for your friend but at least its done now before it got any further. I wonder what would have happened if you had not been there.

These people will be nigh impossible to trace, but their threats are hollow. They just want more money and this is the last throw of their lucrative dice.

[cloudskitchen]

slumberingdormouse I just wondered how your friend is today after processing the information etc? X