Really worried about friend in possible romance scam

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just heard something from a good friend that has really worried me and I would like to hear others' opinions.

A bit of background: My friend has been very lonely since her divorce in February (the marriage was, by her own admission, a disaster and only lasted a year). She has always been the sort of person who jumps into relationships.

The current situation: She has met someone on a dating site, whom she has been talking to for 3 months. He claims to be in the US army currently based abroad. She says that he must be genuine because they have spoken on webcam on Skype. However, to me that is not conclusive proof that he is legitimate. I am aware that scams involving fake US soldiers are very common.

What's really scaring me is that this man is coming to stay with my friend for a week very soon! She has never met him before! He claims to have a house nearby but 'doesn't want to be alone' so he's staying with my friend. This is after he supposedly returns from his last army placement to retire.

To me, there are a lot of red flags here. I think my friend is absolutely crazy and I am terrified for her safety - but she insists she is in love with this man and knows him well.

Any advice would be welcome please.

[greeneyed]

This is so awful, your poor friend. Hopefully by posting you have highlighted this to other online daters

[SlumberingDormouse]

I hope so. I really feel that there should be more information about it on dating and social networking sites, as these scams can be extremely insidious. People think 'it would never happen to me' and once they believe they've fallen in love, are very easily manipulated by the scammer. It never crossed my friend's mind that this guy might not be genuine. It's rarely as simple as receiving an obvious scam email. I have some friends who are tech geniuses and know the online scamming world very well, so I'm asking them for advice right now.

[tribpot]

How dreadful, SlumberingDormouse. I assumed given the length of time involved she wouldn't be in too deep.

She must report him now, not wait for further contact. The fraud investigators are much better placed to catch this guy now.

[cozietoesie]

Oh Lord - I also hoped that she might not be in too deep. She really must report him directly. If she doesn't get the UK guys jumping, I'd try the US Army references as well - with the reputation of their soldiers being dragged in the dust, I wouldn't be surprised if they have a special section of MPs dedicated to this.

I agree with you about the responsibility of networking and OD sites in this and related matters. Perhaps other people know of any initatives in this regard?

[cozietoesie]

PS - the so called good English is not unexpected. They have scripts nd dealing with people over the internet makes them easier to use.

[comingintomyown]

Jeez what a world we live in...

I must be quite old gimmerish but how do you fall in love online ? In love enough to part with money ?

Your friend is beyond lucky to have you OP and I hope this is something that can be pursued to help give her some closure/justice

[ToTheTeeth]

How blunt have you been with your friend that she is being an idiot? I do think this is one of those situations where you have to be very blunt and very clear. Treat her like she's simple minded, because that's what she is being.

[ToTheTeeth]

I'd stopped reading. I see she's now seen sense. Or rather, had sense forced upon her. I hope this is a massive wake up call for her.

[cozietoesie]

ToTheTeeth

I'm not sure from what you say that you understand the nature of vulnerability or the nature of the internet - and a few other things besides. It is only too desperately easy to get sucked in to these things.

[ToTheTeeth]

I understand the nature of the internet why is why I don't understand people who get sucked into these things-. But you're right, I don't understand the nature of vulnerability stupidity. I have very little patience for such people, which means I don't surround myself by them and my viscious cycle of blissful ignorance continues!

[skyeskyeskye]

Without wanting to sound mean, it does take a very gullible or vulnerable person to fall for these scams. I would never part with money to a man I'd never met. For every one they reel in, there will be others that don't get involved.

Most people I know would not give money to a stranger in another country.

I am so sorry for your friend, that she fell for this scam. She's not the first and she won't be the last. I really hope that she's not sent too much money. I have heard of women selling their homes to send money to their "boyfriends" , whom they never actually meet due to various excuses all of which require more money. Some of them have happily given away hundreds of thousands of pounds.

[tribpot]

Con artists have always existed. Now that the friend has realised the extent of her gullibility I don't think it would help for the OP to go round and point out she's an idiot.

She does need help protecting herself better if she wants to have an online life in the future, which the OP is doing (although this type of scam is not technical, it's psychological).

[BMW6]

I am just astounded that these scams are so well publicised that anyone with half a brain cell is still falling for it!!

I know people can be very sad, lonely and vulnerable, but even so.......

[SlumberingDormouse]

I think it's technical and psychological. My friend was well and truly psychologically hooked, but she's not that computer savvy and wouldn't think to Google or Tineye somebody - as I would most definitely do. She's also very vulnerable emotionally, which is what makes me so angry. So intelligent people definitely DO fall for these scams, which I think is a point that needs to be made - otherwise some people may think it could never, ever happen to them.

[Punkatheart]

I think people need to have a bit of empathy and understanding. My own mother was falling for it - although it had not got to the point of money - because she was widowed and conversations with her 'man' made her happy. My mother looked after my very ill father for a long time - her life had been hell. Some joy was so welcome. I luckily extracted her from it but she is not stupid and it is insulting to say that. People in real life can fall in love and fall for idiots, abusers and thieves. That makes them gullible, but not stupid.

Also saying that you cannot bear people who fall for scams and do not have them near you - what a daft thing to say! Personally I have friends around me with empathy, who don't judge!

Poor lady - she must feel foolish enough without people gloating.

Of course you can fall in love via the Internet. People used to write letters and fall in love. What's the difference?

[Punkatheart]

Panorama is highlighting dodgy online dating now....

[ImperialBlether]

OP, did they speak on the phone or was it just email?

[ToTheTeeth]

Of course you can fall in love via the Internet. People used to write letters and fall in love. What's the difference?

Very dangerous. It's nice people going around saying things like this that make people like your mother so easy to exploit by those with an agenda.

[clam]

I just don't understand how otherwise intelligent people can fall for this sort of thing. I can tell you quite categorically that I would NEVER do so. I mean, come on! Borrow money to send to someone you've never met in your life? Really?
And no, you can't fall in love with an online persona. Or someone you've only ever exchanged letters with.

[SlumberingDormouse]

She says they spoke on Skype, and I have now verified this (she showed me some Skype messages). Apparently it is possible to steal videos from elsewhere and make them look as though they're coming from a scammer's Skype. It's all very strange, and again points to an unusually highly sophisticated scammer.

[Punkatheart]

I am not saying it is advisable, TotheTeeth - but I am saying that it happens, that it can happen. I have to meet people in the flesh. To recognise it is not the same as validating it.

Gosh this gang went to a lot of trouble - probably upped their game when they got funds.

[Bant]

The people who do this are well trained, talented, and have been taught how to push exactly the right buttons, spot vulnerabilities and exploit them.

Saying that people who fall for it must be stupid is like saying anyone who l

[Bant]

Whoops

The people who do this are well trained, talented, and have been taught how to push exactly the right buttons, spot vulnerabilities and exploit them.

Saying that people who fall for it must be stupid is like saying anyone who loves an abuser is stupid, or you must be a fool to have your identity stolen.

Communicating with someone online can be incredibly intense, and people will take advantage of it. Good people want to believe the best of others, believe they know them, and genuinely believe they're helping someone in trouble. Those of us who are more cynical can see it, but those who are less cynical shouldn't be mocked or blamed

[Punkatheart]

Oh dear - premature typing release, Bant. Happens to everyone!

But well said.

[BalloonSlayer]

Of course you can fall in love via the Internet. People used to write letters and fall in love. What's the difference?

Very dangerous. It's nice people going around saying things like this that make people like your mother so easy to exploit by those with an agenda.

I have a friend - who is so clever she runs rings around you, intellectually AND emotionally; she has my poor brain limping along trying to keep up - whom I met when she was an expat living in England with her two DDs.

She had come here to marry a guy she had never met in person. This was BEFORE the internet. I think they may have been introduced by a friend, I can't remember, but the bulk of their courtship was conducted via phone and letter. She came to the UK to marry him, thought ooh er! when she met him, but married him anyway because that's what she'd some here for, and lo and behold he turned out to be a nutter.

I can't believe that someone so intelligent, so savvy, such a feminist, with so much experience and cynicism regarding emotional crap, and with two DDs she was committed to protecting, could have been so stupid.

But there you go.

She is back in her home country now, her DDs grown up and unscathed, happily single and pursuing her [far above me] intellectual artistic pursuits,

Mystery to me.