Really worried about friend in possible romance scam

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just heard something from a good friend that has really worried me and I would like to hear others' opinions.

A bit of background: My friend has been very lonely since her divorce in February (the marriage was, by her own admission, a disaster and only lasted a year). She has always been the sort of person who jumps into relationships.

The current situation: She has met someone on a dating site, whom she has been talking to for 3 months. He claims to be in the US army currently based abroad. She says that he must be genuine because they have spoken on webcam on Skype. However, to me that is not conclusive proof that he is legitimate. I am aware that scams involving fake US soldiers are very common.

What's really scaring me is that this man is coming to stay with my friend for a week very soon! She has never met him before! He claims to have a house nearby but 'doesn't want to be alone' so he's staying with my friend. This is after he supposedly returns from his last army placement to retire.

To me, there are a lot of red flags here. I think my friend is absolutely crazy and I am terrified for her safety - but she insists she is in love with this man and knows him well.

Any advice would be welcome please.

[Mixxy]

Great sleuthing OP. Youre a good friend. Now if you can
resist screaming "I told you so" tomorrow, you'll be a saint.

[SlumberingDormouse]

I hope I'm not right but I know that there can't be any other explanation for what I've found. I imagine my friend will be pretty upset and will need my support, but hopefully it'll make her wiser in the future! Will update.

[cozietoesie]

Yes, Slumbering. Be so, so careful - you'll be destroying a dream and trust that she has.

By the way, if you want, you can contact MNHQ via the 'Report' function on your original post, and ask them to move it to the more private part of the Talk site - where people can still read it but it can't be google searched. Your call on that.

If your friend is OK after all this, get him reported via previous links and without alerting him. Maybe something can be done.

[SlumberingDormouse]

When it has died down a bit I may suggest to my friend that she reports it. He must be quite a sophisticated scammer to have convinced her, as she is a huge fan of good spelling and grammar and intelligent, cultured men! Therefore he might be in the US or the UK and not Nigeria, as they often are. It's very chilling.

[cozietoesie]

Try - if you can do it without distressing her - to persuade he to put the report in while hr might still go online with her and be expecting some return. He's clearly in this for a lot and if he can be stopped, there might be a lot of other women who will be helped.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

I hope she can keep him chatting online whilst reporting him?

Well done you.

[tribpot]

God, I really hope he doesn't show up tomorrow. I can imagine that he might and be highly plausible in person as well. It might be worth an email to [email protected] (as suggested in Kernowgal's link) to seek advice. Obviously they will advise not to go to the airport, nor to confront him with your evidence. I'm sure he'll have a sob story about a woman scorned who has been defaming him on scam sites.

At the end of this article are the details of where to report him.

[BrianButterfield]

You're a good friend for looking out for her. We have Chat/Take a Break magazines in the staff room at work and these stories feature with heartbreaking regularity. These are not stupid women but they just want to believe so badly.

[cloudskitchen]

What a nightmare and what a good friend you are. why is she still planning to meet him at airport when you have shown her proof? I hope she has a change of heart after sleeping on it though I'm sure he won't show. Surely not

[ImperialBlether]

Go with her to the airport. Take a photo of him when he's not looking. Go back to her house with them. Why shouldn't she have someone there with her for safety?

[skyeskyeskye]

Well done OP on the detective work. I was going to mention Take A Break too. I've read stories about Army men who need money etc.

I had a fb friend request just this morning from an American army guy. Deleted it obviously!

Look after your friend, keep her safe and font let her part with any money.

The american army guy scam is well known and ahould be avoided at all costs.

[Punkatheart]

It won't get that far, Imperial. Scammers don't want to be that visible. A problem will occur with his journey and that's how he will extract money.

My mother was really reluctant to believe that it was a scam. But I googled his picture and found him on several places, under different names. A picture of a genuine army officer was used fraudulently. Saddest thing was that he looked a bit like my dad, which stirred her heart strings more...

[SlumberingDormouse]

Well, he didn't turn up. And my friend now admits she has sent him money - not this time as she realised what was going on, but in the past. She won't admit how much which is understandable. She's now scared because he has her home address. It just makes me so angry and sad for her. Thankfully she has agreed to report it to the police and online, so thanks to anyone who has provided links above - they'll be very helpful.

[cozietoesie]

Sad - but to be expected.

Tell her not to worry that he has her physical address. He'll already be dealing with his other/next internet marks. Getting her at home isn't what this is all about.

If she wanted to (and it might make her feel a tad better) she could set up a new email (moving contacts across at her convenience) and a new online profile name if she's minded to keep on using that online dating site. (I don't use OD so anyone else who knows about it could advise on how easy that latter is.)

But that's really just for her convenience so that she doesn't get any spam resulting from all this.

[cozietoesie]

PS - warn her that this may not be the last she hears of him. He could very well contact her this afternoon/evening with some spurious story purporting to explain his non-appearance and trying to get more cash out of her. But if she's going to contact the fraud boys (and I'd get her to do that today for the above reason) they'll advise her on how to handle it. Helping to get him caught - or at least prevented from harming more of his current 'list' - might be the best thing for her right now.

Oh - and remind her that no-one is going to treat her like some kind of daft fool. The people that try to stop these guys are well aware of just how professional they are and what the circumstances are likely to be.

All the best to her in the future.

[SlumberingDormouse]

My friend has now received an email purporting to be from customs in Ghana claiming that the man has been arrested at the airport for carrying an illegal firearm! No doubt a request for money to help him out of this situation is not far behind.

Thankfully my friend now sees that this is totally ludicrous and that there is no way she would hear from customs using a Yahoo email address in a country that has no flights from Iraq! She says she is feeling like a right fool but seems to be holding up well. I'm really glad the scales have fallen from her eyes and she can now report it.

[Punkatheart]

Tell her she is NOT a fool - but a kind, trusting person who has been taken advantage of by people who are more cynical.

Yes - don't worry about them having her address. It's easy enough to find anyone's address and there will be many many more women they are playing. She can report it but alas, there is not much more that can be done.

Wishing her better luck with a lovely man and give her a hug and a cup of tea from me.

xx

[cozietoesie]

Oh yes. They think she's sucked in now so they'll keep on trying for a short while. This is why it would be so good for her to report it now if she's up to it. Most of the time, the fraud boys (US, UK and international) find out so late that there's nothing they can do - but with a 'live one', it's just possible for instance that their techies might at least be able to track other women that they're currently fastened on to who haven't been as lucky as your friend in finding out.

I'm so glad she seems to be holding up - and has you there to support her, especially in the medium to longer term. Watch out for her to crash a bit a week or so after this has all finished. It must have been a series of hammer blows to her.

[SarahBumBarer]

If it was me I would start playing him right now. responding, promising money etc but coming up with increasing ludicrous reasons why the transfer has failed etc etc - time he is wasting with me is time he is not scamming someone else. Want to send me the email address of Ghana customs - I can pretend to be her solicitor friend that she has asked to help in whatever way is required

Seriously - I hope your friend is ok and that this experience does not make her cynical but perhaps just a little more cautious.

[cozietoesie]

Slumbering

Without wishing to go OTT and raise your friend's paranoia levels, I'd gently suggest to her that she (sometime pretty soon) scan her computer for nasties - if she ever got private emails from him and eg opened pictures or so on. It's not unknown for these gangs to be multi-enterprise.

[ImperialBlether]

Oooh yes, do that, Sarah!

I'm laughing at the Yahoo email address for Customs in Ghana. Of course they knew her email address, didn't they?

cozietoesie, that's a good idea - this is a live case so investigators might be able to do more with it, rather than waiting until it's an historical case.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP :( Just wanted to say how sorry I feel for your friend. These low lifes really are the scum of the earth aren't they?

I hope she's ok in time. No need for her to feel embarrassed. These people do this for a living and they are really good.

WEll done on helping her see the light

[BalloonSlayer]

Oh another friend of mine had an "American" internet boyfriend who worked for Amnesty International and had gone to Africa on a diplomatic mission.

He ended up "being held by corrupt police" and needed money blah blah blah. She only didn't send him any because she was completely skint. I asked her what country he was in and she said "Africa." I had to point out that Africa is a continent, not a country.

This one had sent her photos of himself that were very staged, lying next to pieces of art etc. Most peculiar.

[Ilovefluffysheep]

So sorry this has happened to your friend. I work in the fraud department (am a DC) and this is so common you wouldn't believe. It is amazing how many articulate, ingelligent women are taken in by this, it really can happen to anyone. Sadly some of the amounts of money we hear about that are paid are amazing, so I really hope your friend hasn't lost too much.

Perhaps the "best" one we had was a request for funds as they were in hospital and their treatment was going to be removed unless they could pay for it. This request was sent complete with photo shopped picture as "evidence". Unfortunately the victim we were dealing with really didn't want to believe it was a scam despite us (the police) telling her it was.

These people really prey on lonely women and go about flattering them so that they very quickly become trusting of them and calling them their boyfriend/partner/even finance despite the fact they have never met them. They basically tell them what they want to hear.

Makes me sick, and because they are generally all out in Nigeria there is nothing we can do about it. Glad your friend has got someone like you around.

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just visited my friend and I feel quite sick with what I've found out. She told me that she took out a loan to pay this guy. She wouldn't tell me how much it was for, but she has a good salary and savings so I'm worried it's for an awful lot of money.

I also remembered that she remortgaged her house a month ago. I really, really hope it's unrelated to all of this, but I have a horrible feeling it's connected.

She showed me some of his messages too. His English is not wonderful but much better than most of the west African scammers. He has been very clever. This makes me wonder whether he (or perhaps an accomplice?) is in the UK or the US. I feel quite sick just thinking about it, to be honest.

My friend is very upset but she is gathering evidence now for reporting, and waiting to see whether he contacts her again. Thanks for all the nice messages on here.