Really worried about friend in possible romance scam

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've just heard something from a good friend that has really worried me and I would like to hear others' opinions.

A bit of background: My friend has been very lonely since her divorce in February (the marriage was, by her own admission, a disaster and only lasted a year). She has always been the sort of person who jumps into relationships.

The current situation: She has met someone on a dating site, whom she has been talking to for 3 months. He claims to be in the US army currently based abroad. She says that he must be genuine because they have spoken on webcam on Skype. However, to me that is not conclusive proof that he is legitimate. I am aware that scams involving fake US soldiers are very common.

What's really scaring me is that this man is coming to stay with my friend for a week very soon! She has never met him before! He claims to have a house nearby but 'doesn't want to be alone' so he's staying with my friend. This is after he supposedly returns from his last army placement to retire.

To me, there are a lot of red flags here. I think my friend is absolutely crazy and I am terrified for her safety - but she insists she is in love with this man and knows him well.

Any advice would be welcome please.

[comingintomyown]

Its madness

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Slumbering you're a good friend. I really feel for your friend and hope her reporting leads to something, at the very least more awareness.

[Punkatheart]

Intelligence and common sense can be two diverse things. I have a high IQ but I can be daft and trusting. Which is why, when I was thirteen - in a daydream - I took a short cut I wasn't supposed to and I was attacked by a man. It was only an attempted kiss but I did escape and later, he went to prison for some more serious crimes, including some paedophilia. Was I stupid to be trusting and skip home with a man behind me with clear intent? Perhaps. But I was a dreamer.

Henry VIII married a woman he only saw in a portrait. He wasn't exactly an underachiever. I think we all want to believe in love at times, feminist or not.

Balloon - your friend met a nutter but she could have met him in life and he could have turned into a nutter. These things happen. Arranged marriages also often work out.

[WafflyVersatile]

I don't think there has to be video for people to skype.

But also it doesn't really mean anything except he is the person in the photos from the dating site.

[zippey]

These scams prey on people who are vulnerable, so the posters who cannot believe anyone would fall for these scams don't know what they are talking about. If you are scammed It doesn't mean you are stupid.

You are a good friend OP.

[zippey]

Waffly, the person on the Skype video won't be the scammer. They will find and download a video of an unknown person chatting - you can find any number of these - and the scammer will write the chat text. Hi, this is me, can't show video for too long, army policies etc!

It's quite simple to do really.

[clam]

I presume you mean me, zippey. I'm afraid I do think it's pretty stupid to send money (and borrow it too) to someone you've never met in your life before. These scams are well-publicised, but even so, it's basic common sense.

[Spickle]

Have PM'd you.

[WafflyVersatile]

No, I'm saying1. they could have spoken on skype but without video and 2. even if he did use skype video and it was him rather than an IT trick, it doesn't make him more trustworthy.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

[Walkacrossthesand]

These stories make me reflect on how important it is for single women to strive to be ok with being single - and hence less vulnerable to the 'I'll love you if you can help me out of a financial pickle' scammers. I hope your friend is OK.

[celticclan]

I have to say I agree with Clam. Why would you send money to a stranger? Wouldn't it concern you that a stranger is prepared to ask for money?

Is it stupidity or desperation?

[zippey]

Well, people do stupod things I guess, especially if you think you're in love. Im sure you can have quite strong emotional bonds with people you have never met. We cant all operate on common sense exclusivley. Thats why I have sympathy for this lady and other vulnerable people.

It might be stupidy, deperation, gullibility, but these are things most people face at one point or another in thier lives and that these criminals look to exploit.

Also, its not just single women who should strive to be ok with being single, sinlge men should strive for this too. Men get targeted and scammed as well, possibly more so.

[Treagues]

Women often grow up learning how to please, how to give the benefit of the doubt, and how to minimise suspicion in case they come across as being 'hormonal'. How to blame themselves for having a gut instinct that isn't 100% lovely.

[WafflyVersatile]

Because they know what you want and they are convincing in persuading you they can give you it.

[SlumberingDormouse]

Another update - this is getting quite scary and I can see why my friend is worried. It turns out that she has had contact with multiple people in connection with this scam (gang members, presumably, though some are probably the same person). She actually met one of them in the UK, which I find very concerning. She has also been threatened. The police have brushed her off and said she needs to fill in an online form. I don't really want to post many more details here but if anybody wants to know more, please PM me.

I know it seems very unbelievable that an intelligent person could get sucked in like this but it has happened! My friend had a PhD and has travelled all over the world so is quite streetwise. Her only crime has been to be lonely and vulnerable, and too trusting. Sadly, there are some very skilled scammers out there (apparently some gangs even hire English tutors and psychologists!) who prey on people like this.

[Caster8]

Agree with punk.
An intelligent IQ person is not the same as having emotional intelligence. They are two different sorts of intelligence. there are other sorts too, such as creative intelligence etc.

So I would have thought that women in highpowered jobs, high salaried, and lonely, can be perfect targets for scammers.

I also sometimes wonder whether a few of them think it is a potential price worth paying, being potentially scammed, for the few hours, days or weeks that they get to be romanticaly attached.

[skyeskyeskye]

ADVICE FROM ACTION FRAUD ON HOW TO KEEP SAFE WITH ONLINE ROMANCE SCAMS.


Romance scams
Dating or romance fraud is when you think you?ve met your perfect partner online, but they aren?t who they say they are. Once they?ve gained your trust, they ask for money for a variety of emotive reasons.

You register with an internet-based dating agency or join an online dating chat room. You receive a contact from someone who shows an interest in you. They may be from overseas, or they might tell you they are in the same country as you. Gradually, you develop a long-distance relationship through emails, instant messaging, texting and phone calls. As the relationship develops, your exchanges become more intimate.

The person you have fallen for will probably send you their photograph and give you a pet name. They may also ask you for naked photos of yourself and/or ask you to perform sexual acts in front of a webcam, particularly if you are female.

The person you?ve developed a relationship with is not who they say they are. In fact, you have probably been in contact with several members of a criminal gang.

Once the fraudsters are confident that you have enough sympathy and desire for them, they will tell you about a problem they are experiencing and ask you to help out by sending money. For example:

they?ve arranged to visit you but need money to pay travel costs, visa costs etc. Or they?ve paid for a plane ticket which is then stolen
a family member or someone else they are responsible for is ill and they need money for medical treatment.
Once you send them money, the fraudsters will keep coming back with more reasons to send them money.

If you send pictures of yourself of a sexual nature, the fraudsters will threaten to send them to your family, friends and work colleagues if you don?t go along with their requests for money. If you?ve recorded any sexual acts in front of a webcam, the fraudsters will also use these to threaten you.

Are you a victim of dating fraud?

You?ve developed a relationship with someone you?ve met online via emails, text messages and phone calls.
The new love of your life looks like a supermodel in the pictures they send you.
They ask you lots of questions about yourself but don?t tell you much about themselves.
They quickly start calling you by a pet name or use endearing terms such as ?darling?.
They want to communicate with you through instant messaging and, texts, rather than through the dating website or chat room where you met.
They don?t answer basic questions about where they live and work.
They start asking you to send them money.
What should you do if you?ve been a victim of dating fraud?

Report it to Action Fraud.
Break off all contact immediately.
Report the fraudster to the website or chat room operator.
Do not send any more money.
Protect yourself against dating fraud

Trust your instincts. If you think something feels wrong, it probably is.
Guard your privacy.
Never send money or give credit card or online account details to anyone you don?t know and trust.
Communicate with people locally and not from overseas, although you should be aware that someone might tell you they are in the same country as you when they are not.
Never reply to communications from someone who you meet on a dating site or chat room and then wants continue the communication by email.

[skyeskyeskye]

I presume that you already have the following link, but there is live chat on there for help and also a form to report the crime.

If she is seriously being threatened, then she should go back to the police and insist that they take her seriously. It is all part of the scam though, in that they threaten her in order to get more money.

Hopefully she has seen sense now and will not meet anybody else or part with any more money. The person that she has fallen in love with doesn't actually exist and that is very sad for her too.


www.actionfraud.police.uk/fraud-az-romance-scams

[Mixxy]

Really? The cops want her to go back to the internet to deal with a threat she encountered on the internet? Get back on to them, ask to speak to a female police officer, reiterate thay she has MET one in RL and they have her home address. Don't take no for an answer. I believe she is perfectly safe, but still.

[Ilovefluffysheep]

The police will have asked her to do an online fraud report through action fraud. This can also be done on the phone.

This is the new way of reporting frauds - all police forces have signed up to it. Unless it is a crime in progress then and there or the victim is elderly/vulnerable then the police won't take the report. Action fraud then forward reports to the appropriate force to deal with.

Like it or not this is the reality of cutting funds/numbers of police. Not everything can be dealt with and certain types of crimes get left.

[tribpot]

All very worrying, OP. As you discovered someone else online who had been scammed by the same person/gang, is there any way of contacting her for advice?

[WafflyVersatile]

Does she at least accept it is a scam now?

[Punkatheart]

She has been threatened, met one in person and the police have fobbed her off? Astonishing - but also ridiculous because if the gang are taking such risks - it's an ideal situation for the police to set up a sting operation and catch them. I would get her to make a fuss and continue to do so. She is in deep now. What nature did the threats take? Are they written down? It must be enormously stressful for your friend....