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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to stop arguing?

46 replies

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 11:01

Every month me and DP argue and he goes to sleep at his mums for a few days. We have 2 nice weeks, then a week of me feeling irrationally upset and crying about things like him being half hour later at work and then a few days of arguing and then him leaving for a few days before we're back happy again.

It is grinding me down, it's exhausting being angry and stressed so regularly. We've been together off and on for years and have 2 dc 7 and 6 but now I feel I'm loosing him and that he's had enough of this pointless drama.

How can I stop pushing him away all the time when things get good, that is if he sticks around to get back good this time.

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Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 11:15

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Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 11:21

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orangeandemons · 28/07/2013 11:25

What a baby.. Going to sleep at his mums. This is just silly.

Tell him, that he needs to face out the next argument as this is what communicating in a relationship is about, and what effect does he think it has on your dc?

Sounds like a pattern that HE needs to break. I'd tell him next time he goes to his mums he can stay there. At least you know where you are. This sounds a very immature carry on to me

Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 12:42

He does communicate.... To tell me how right he is and how wrong I am.

He left Tuesday apparently it was me who kicked him out because he packed his bags and I said go on bye, came back last night after text arguments all day (how ridiculous) and then this morning said I've killed the love again and because I said I hope he gets struck by lightning I'm the most evil person ever.

I was really quite happy Tuesday to call it a day, but he doesn't let go, until today I think he's not coming back now and I feel really awful actually.

Dc have been staying at my mums because of child care and work so they came back last night and know nothing of this argument. Other times they just think he's working.

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LineRunner · 28/07/2013 12:49

I would first get some help for either your PMT or addiction to drama if that's what's going on, for yourself, so you enjoy life a lot more.

It's exhausting and you need to find out what your stressors are and deal with them.

And yes, the going to sleep at his mum's when he has children is a bit pathetic. Do you often feel like you another child to look after? That would push my buttons, for sure.

Squitten · 28/07/2013 12:52

Well you have more patience that me! I'd have told him to stay at his bloody mother's house a LONG time ago.

This constant rowing and leaving/coming back must be confusing as hell for your children and not a good model of relationships for them to be learning.

YOU must decide whether you are going to draw a line under this nonsense and put a stop to such childishness or continue to live like this. But if you give him the ultimatum, you must follow it though.

newlifeforme · 28/07/2013 12:54

High conflict does lead to resentment and I think it damages relationships.My H and I are in a similar cycle and its so destructive.There are a few underlying issues for us..major stresses and we communicate poorly.I also suffer from severe PMS and this is a which I have to take responsibility for.

Someone on MN recommended Non violent communication book but you can also see clips on YouTube.I've been trying to practice the techniques and it has helped.

If you have said hurtful comments, and wishing he was struck my lightening is hurtful, then I think apologising is the first step.My H can't bear conflict and will leave the room, I find this frustrating but have accepted he has a need to go somewhere to cool down.We now agree timeouts.

What do you generally argue about? Is there a common theme or an issue that you can't resolve?

LEMisdisappointed · 28/07/2013 13:00

Every month??? hmmmm - my spidey senses are tingling.

Him going to his mums? how old is he?? Whats wrong with her? she needs to tell him to man the fuck up and not indulge his tantrums

Peachyjustpeachy · 28/07/2013 13:09

Tell him the next time he goes its for good. Thanks change the locks.
Tell his mother the same thing since she is enabling his behaviour.

Then at the first hint of an disagreement say...I'm sorry you feel like that.

Just acknowledge his feelings. Don't agree with him, just ell him you don't feel the same.

For instance...shall we watch the children play in the pool?
No they make too much noise and too much mess.
I'm sorry you feel like that because, I like the sound of kids having fun, and it's only water. You wait there then, and we'll go and have some fun.

See not engaging in an argument butdoing what you want. Give it a try

Peachyjustpeachy · 28/07/2013 13:12

The most successful couples aren't perfect, they are just tolerant of their differences.

Noone has to be right or wrong unless the answer is what colour is this letter, and even then, that's not really important and not worth splitting up over!

allaflutter · 28/07/2013 13:35

it's clearly PMT - I'm like this too when i have a partner and it caused problems., you say yourself you are being irrational. Sadly, I haven't found a cure.

WafflyVersatile · 28/07/2013 16:30

Well I wouldn't want to be around all that pointless drama either.

If it was your husband kicking up a fuss about you being half an hour late home from work posters would be saying LTB. That you shouldn't have to put up with that sort of behaviour. He shouldn't have to either.

Have you seen your GP?

Maybe there is something your DP could read that would give him better coping skills when you are like this. Or maybe you should just let him stay with his mum a couple of days a month by arrangement.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/07/2013 16:44

What kinds if things do you argue about? Sounds like you're both stuck in an unhealthy pattern rather than being able to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

If it happens on a pattern, choose the good week and sit down and discuss this properly. It's going ti have to happen for you to move forwards and it really will be a make or break operation, but you can't continue like you are.

Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 17:20

Its the third week of my pill packet when I cry about anyhing and everything he does irritates me. The dr has changed my pill but it's not made a huge amount of difference I think it could just be me. I will make another appointment though see if anything else can even me out.

We argue about things that I feel he is thoughtless for, for example this last time kicked off because all week he was doing something to his car and not home till after ten more like eleven. He had said he was going to be a hour but was two and a half hours even though he knew dinner was going to be a hour. Then I said I'm not cooking separate meals again, dinners at 6 whether your here or not so the next day he brought in food for him and the kids but not for me.

Few other niggles, he has another dd and although she is really really lovely the way he treats her to the rest isn't fair IMHO. For example ds asked for cake when he saw dp eating some, he said no and then turned around and gave the piece ds asked for to his dd. Even when I said that was unfair and cruel he didn't say sorry he started justifying it and then shouted the piece left was ds, and stormed out when I said well what about our dd.

Sounds really petty all these little things that I make into massive issues, he said this morning it doesn't matter now as his dd is never coming over again anyway and he's getting his own place when he next gets paid.

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WafflyVersatile · 28/07/2013 17:23

Why do these things only bother you some of the time?

Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 17:34

I think it's just this destructive cycle we are in, once we've made up I don't feel took for granted but after a couple of weeks he slips and all I think is prick prick prick you don't really love me.

I would assume if it was just pms I would be like it with everyone...

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WafflyVersatile · 28/07/2013 17:52

Maybe you would be good candidates for counselling?

It's hard to tell on the end of the internet how much is your perception changing from one week to the next or him being a twat or him avoiding you when you're being hormonal and this just winding you up more. Or loads of other stuff.

Counselling might help you both unpick what is going on.

Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 18:20

I have had counselling before and found it really helpful,

He won't ever apologise ever, we have really bad communication and I have two weeks every month of wondering what the hell were doing together. Yes he does try and yes there is lots of good but right now I'm really angry that I'm upset again.

What's the point of being with someone when it's miserable? When we're not together I miss him though. But he comes back and I run myself ragged baking his favourite cakes, cooking cleaning and being so nice while working and I can't keep up giving 100% when I don't feel he gives the same. I just end up being bitter and shrewish and resentful.

Arghh sorry for the rambling just writing it all down and getting it out is really helping me.

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TheSilverySoothsayer · 28/07/2013 18:27

You are people-pleasing, with your running yourself ragged doing stuff.

Does he do any of the cooking cleaning etc?

Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 18:35

He does cook on the weekend or if I say I don't want to I'm the week and he does tidy up but not to the full extent I would. So he takes the rubbish out but doesn't put a black bag back in the bin.

He makes the beds every morning and does a general tidy up after me and the kids have left the house before he goes to work but sees it as I'm home by 2 and it's my house so it's for me to do. So he does help but wouldn't think to polish or clean the bathroom sink unless it was filthy.

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arequipa · 28/07/2013 19:01

He sounds quite reasonable/average to me, but gets fed up with the arguing so absents himself because he can. I can understand how furious this makes you as you are stuck there with childcare and domestic responsibility and cannot just walk away. I think maybe you are depressed because of your role in the household with hormonal changes triggering off this underlying discontentment. I think you feel guilty after each incident and try to over-compensate by being domestic goddess for a while, suppressing your increasing frustration in this role.
Next time you are reconciled, can you spend time talking it over and both together try to work out what happens? Without blaming each other or blaming yourself? Can you do this together with a therapist?

ruthie2468 · 28/07/2013 19:11

He sounds juvenile and manipulative. His DD is never coming over again because you dared to question his behaviour? He is getting his own place because you argue? Probably the stress of being the perfect wife exhausts you to the point where you snap.

ruthie2468 · 28/07/2013 19:12

And I agree with the other posters: call his bluff and tell him not to come back next time.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/07/2013 19:15

Hmm, I don't know. I think the PMT issue is clouding things here. From the extra info you've posted he does sound like he's being a bit of a dick. I mean, who tells a child no you can't have any cake and then gives the very same slice he was asking about to another child right in front of them? And bringing home food for himself and DC but not enough for you is just a mean spirited thing to do especially if you have cooked for everyone.

I don't mean to say that the pmt is a non issue or he's some kind of monster, but if you posted what you said in your last two posts as an OP you'd have been told to LTB by now.

It makes me wonder actually what makes the good 2 weeks good - does he save up his dickish behaviour for your period week or do you just smooth over it/let it go the rest of the time?

Original poster

DragonsAreReal · 28/07/2013 19:37

I'm not furious when he's not here I feel happy mostly and then after the usual 3 days when he comes back I have realised I missed him.

He also says really hurtful things just to be spiteful really. I've been doing driving lessons and he's always said he's going to buy me a car when I pass, even talking about ones he has saw that he wants to get for me. A few days before he left this time dd said she had seen a car that he could get me and he said he's not getting me a car no more as he doesn't want me to drive around my next boyfriend in it.

How ridiculous to be upset about a silly comment when I know next week he'l be on about a yaris again. Just really makes me feel unwanted and dispensable.

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