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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When does jealousy become a MH issue?

145 replies

opalescent · 27/07/2013 10:28

So much has happened, but I don't have the energy to give a full overview, but here are the bare bones.
Dp suffers with extreme jealousy, and I have a feeling that it has been a feature of his previous relationships too. He particularly obsesses over the past (as in, my previous partners etc.), and gets into terrible vile moods on a regular basis, where he makes the house environment unbearable. Generally these moods will culminate in a huge row, where I tell him how untenable this is, threaten to leave, and he becomes remorseful, we make up, and things return to (an uneasy) normality.
His jealousy creeps into all aspects of our life, and when I think about it, I have modified my life in so many ways to fit around it. I'm frightened of the future, and feel stifled.
I don't know who I am anymore, I feel full of self doubt.
Aside for this issue, we are incredibly close and intimate. He is a committed and supportive partner, and a lovely dad to our baby.
He's had counselling. It helped at the time, then wore off.
He can be nasty and verbally abusive when he's in the grip of an 'episode'.
I've lost all my confidence.
We are so financially entwined :(
I don't know what to do, but would appreciate your thoughts...

OP posts:
themidwife · 30/07/2013 15:19

What I would suggest is for you to stop modifying your behaviour. Interact with other men & women in a completely normal way & do what you want. It won't take long for him to reveal his true self again & you will have the strength to end it for good.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/07/2013 15:53

I'm sorry opal. It is a lot for you to take in. You sound like you have your mind made up but you are at a loss as to what to do next. I don't know what the practical issues are. Could you rent a place for yourself and the baby? You have said you have real life support - can you take your things and stay with someone while you find a place or he moves out?

Apileofballyhoo · 30/07/2013 16:08

I realise you are grieving for what could of been, or what you thought was, and you had hopes that things would work out. You are trying to deal with a new reality now and that can be painful.

Secretswitch · 30/07/2013 16:45

Opalescent , everything can be done in small steps. Make a plan about how you would like things to proceed. Break it down into chunks. Who will leave the home in event of a breakup? How are your bills paid?
I would also make some safety plans. The breaking up period can be a most dangerous time for someone leaving an abusive relationship. The abusive partner sometimes becomes unhinged about their perceived loss of control. Abuser's may react in a more extreme way.
Keep your mobile ( if you have one) well within reach. Perhaps put 999 on speed dial. Think of ways you would be able to exit your home if the need arose. Perhaps pack a small bag for your and your baby.
Sending hugs your way..

lookingfoxy · 30/07/2013 18:11

Hi i've not read the thread but I could have been your dp a few years ago.
I am mostly 'cured' as such, but it took 6 months cognitive behavioral therapy through the nhs. I had chronically low self esteem which I suspect is the issue here.
My dp told me not so long ago that some woman had offered him a blow job when he was in the pub (not unsurprising here) and we had a good laugh about it. If that had been 'before' then I would have had a meltdown.

pictish · 30/07/2013 18:18

Keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine, and that we can fix things 'together'.

Well you can't, becaue this is not a mutual problem...it is his alone, and no one can fix it but him.
He is chucking 'together' in there to make it sound all coupley and loving, but what it really means is that he will expect YOU to modify YOUR behaviour in order to indulge his delusions.

THIS IS NOT A MUTUAL PROBLEM!!!

Original poster
opalescent · 30/07/2013 18:49

Lookingfoxy can you tell me a bit more about that? What triggered you off? How badly did you treat your dh? Did you have 'episodes' like dp? How did you reconcile your behaviour in your own mind? Would be curious to get an insight..

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 30/07/2013 19:24

lookingfoxy, did you recognise that the problem was in your head and not with your partner and that it was you who needed "curing"? Because I think that is the crux of the matter. Opalescent's dh suggesting that they work on it together suggests to me that he thinks she's partially to blame. Which she isn't.

pictish · 30/07/2013 19:28

Or even more disturbingly, he thinks she ought to take on the responsibility of helping to fix him. So when he aint fixed...guess whose fault it becomes?

Apileofballyhoo · 30/07/2013 19:59

What made you decide to seek help, foxy?

Original poster
opalescent · 30/07/2013 20:07

He is keeping a respectful distance at the moment, things are awkward and polite. I spoke to his mum & sister today, they know some of the story, but I felt like now would be a good time to give them my pov in case things do get more difficult. They were very understanding. I told him last night that things have reached a point where I actually feel scared of him at times, and I think that has thrown him a bit.

OP posts:
pictish · 30/07/2013 20:11

He knew you were scared of him already. It didn't 'throw him' - he pretended to be shocked so it would look like he never intended to intimidate you, when you both knew fine well he did.
This is just papering over cracks and is ultimaely futile and a waste of time.

pictish · 30/07/2013 20:11

Tactics tactics tactics.

isshoes · 30/07/2013 20:24

I am the OP's sister and don't want to hijack the thread, but I do want firstly reassure you all who are very kindly advising her and worrying about her that she does have RL support from people who love her. I do also want to say though that as I have told her, breaking up with someone is a process, not an action. I hope that makes sense.

chipmonkey · 30/07/2013 20:27

Very true, isshoes.

Original poster
opalescent · 30/07/2013 20:52
Smile
OP posts:
pictish · 30/07/2013 20:57

It really is. Part of the process is seeing the wood for the trees.

idlefolly · 30/07/2013 22:15

I can second isshoes' comment (I'm OP's best friend). She most certainly does have a strong, close network of people around her who love her and want to see her happy again. I'm just thankful that she confides in us as this situation would be even more dangerous and suffocating if she didn't. Although the outcome seems inevitable, isshoes is right, it can take time to build up the courage and come to terms with making such a leap, but when she does, rest assured that she will not be dealing with it alone. x

chipmonkey · 30/07/2013 22:21

opalescent, you are very lucky. A lot of controlling, jealous men isolate a woman from friends and family. I can see these ladies won't let that happen to you!

Apileofballyhoo · 30/07/2013 23:52

Hi idle and issues

Smile wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Opal, I am so glad you have these two. Very few people are all good or all bad and it's hard to see what is tolerable/temporary/mental health/abuse. Of course it is difficult to see the wood from the trees. Maybe your DP can get help if he seeks it and maybe he can change, and maybe you could learn to trust him again and have a normal loving relationship. But he would have to do an awful lot of work for that to happen and he might not be able to. You cannot allow yourself to be destroyed while he does nothing to help himself. He has to want to change. It sounds to me like you are emotionally withdrawing - it's self preservation and completely natural. It's healthy for you.

lookingfoxy · 31/07/2013 00:39

Hi op, I did have rational times where I knew I had a serious problem and to be honest if my ex had chained himself to my side it still wouldn't have helped. It's like a little monster inside your mind that you can't contol even though you know it's ridiculous.
I could have made a living as a private detective I snooped so much. I done the accusations the name calling the tears the shouting, everything irrational, it's an exhausting and miserable way to live.
I posted on mumsnet under a different name to this about my dps suspect behavior, fully expecting to be justified and told I was right. Instead I was told unanimously that I was basically bonkers and to get a grip. That's what prompted me to get help, I finally seen how absolutely crazy I had become.

lookingfoxy · 31/07/2013 00:44

He's surprisingly not my ex for this reason!
Would it help if you showed him this thread when he's being ok?
Oh and it really won't matter what you say or do, that little monster is all consuming.

Original poster
opalescent · 31/07/2013 07:14

Yes, chip monkey, I am very lucky with regards to my friends and family than goodnessSmile

OP posts:
HoopersGinger · 31/07/2013 09:48

Hi Opal just another reader here to say I know the type. Everything you say describes my partner and you describe it so well when you say he has episodes where he has no empathy and seems to think you deserve to suffer for your past. I too thought my partner may suffer from BPD.

shotofexpresso · 31/07/2013 11:19

I thinks its interesting that someone is on here with the same problem,

good on you for getting help.
Grin